Dear Family
 

I love that you all agree with me that marriage/domestic partnership should be a choice between two consenting individuals, no matter how well/poorly society perceives them to go together. And I do appreciate your help with the laundry. However, if one sock is small and navy (that's a shade of blue), and the other is long and black, they are not a pair. They do not go together. And however much we may want to help them be together, they are not both going to fit on the feet of the same person.

Dear Mom,

I want you to meet my new significant other, Sven. He's a colorblind amputee, and it hurts him deeply that you don't consider him a "person."

Dear Family,

I hate you.


Never leave me.

Love,
your Border Collie

Dear Border Collie,


Sit.

Stay.


Signed, The Management.

Dear Mum

I know you think you are offering me a big treat by suggesting that you go through my room while I am in Glasgow and shred out of date papers and clean my bedroom. But didn't my reaction last year give you a clue that this was really not my ideal Christmas present?

I admire that despite your desire for order, you hold off until you know I am away for a night, but I genuinely feel violated at the idea.

I will go through my paperwork and shred what is necessary before 19 December.
But your suggestion that you're worried I might forget something otherwise (ie a bill or a debt) is nonsensical. If I have "forgotten" one in the past, destroying the evidence would have helped, not hindered the process.

I love you and I know you love me.
And Merry Christmas and all that jazz.
I won't thank you when I come back, because I don't want you poking about in there. But I won't sulk about it either.

x

Dear progeny,

I'm delighted to welcome Sven to the family. I do apologise for not forseeing the event of you meeting a one-armed colorblind amputee who also had the misfortune to have one foot shrunk by a witch doctor as he sought solace for his loss in the jungles of darkest Peru. Or did he used to buy his socks in threes? In which case I would check what he's doing with the small one before you say "I do".

Dear Mom,

I'm not sure what you want from me. You told me no socks before marriage. Now you're saying socks is OK as long as it's a matched set? Seems a bit racist, and you've always been so open-minded.

And guess what else, Mom? My dress socks are teh ghey! They keep yelling "We're HERE, we're SHEER, get used to it!"

Dear Family Back There,

Repeat after me, .... Switzerland... SWitzerland.
not Sweden and most definitely not Swaziland.
Go on.. say it now.

Love,
the ex.pat

p.s.. Eastern time plus six hours, NOT minus six hours. ( i.e. don't phone us again at 3:00 a.m. )

Dear ex.pat,

Quit trying to control us!

We'll call you when we damned well please!

After all, YOU'RE the one who ran away to Swaziland!!

Yours,
F.B.T.

Swaziland? Isn't that where they grow snozzberries?

Some people live way out in the Switzer-sticks

Twisted Switzer

now class... pay attention...
.
.
http://www.distancefromto.net/distan...d/to/Swaziland

http://www.distancefromto.net/distan...to/Switzerland

http://www.distance-calculator.co.uk...-to-geneva.htm

Dear children,

No, we are not there yet. We will never be "there". We will always be here. That is a necessary truth.

Love,

WhyIamnotaparent.

Deer Family,

It's open season again. If the party's over, at least I went stag. Remember what I taught you ... stay out of headlights.

Your Buck.


ETA:
Heaven forbid! :eek:
;)

you orphaned my post! And stole my joke. I was funnier :p:

Deer Family,

Doe you know how much I worry about you? This new trend with you kids, the bright orange vests...what are you thinking? I'm so afraid I'll hoof to come identify you in the back of some rusty pick-up truck.

By the way, did you watch Rudolph last night? Now there's a deer with some gumption. You should aspire to be like him. Sure, he had a red nose, and lived with Santa, and was a REINdeer...but there's no reason you can't do any of those things.

Love,

Aunt Ler and Uncle Buck

D'oh Family,

I'm feeling very marge-inal about you all and our homer. You make me want to bart. I think I'mma lisa new condo in Florida.

:lol:

And I don't want to hear no mo about it!

Dear Thor,

If the pants won't stay up so you have use tie triple knots in the decorative string to keep them on while the sparkly button sags out forming a second waistband big enough for a cat, and if they're kinda coming past your toes, and if they have all sorts of pockets you haven't seen before that don't seem to open properly...... they're Hebe's.

Ha! :lol: I'd say you should have let him go to school like that, but I bet it wouldn't make him pay any closer attention to it.

Dear Husband,

No those navy trousers do not match your black suit jacket, particularly when you're going to parliament house today to talk to politicians about fisheries and environmental issues and want to make a professional impression.

What's that you say? You're not going to wear a belt on your trousers? You think that's ok? Oh, you can't find a belt?

Here's one! Now just bend over while I thrash you with it before you put it on!

Your loving wife,

Ali.
xxx

Hebe would've killed him and me and anyone else in the near vicinity....

Hector rocks that exact look too -blue track jacket with black track pants (elasticated, no belt required thankfully).....and adds brown shorts underneath so he can strip down and be manly and still clash in the sub-zero temperatures...... I don't know why all his pants are blue, all his jackets are black and all his shorts are brown (plaid) -I think the fashion gremlins must live in his closet.

Dear Ali,

Thank you for your concern. Please note that I am a scientist and we are meant to look like nerds. The government chaps won't listen to me unless I am dressed like a dweeb.
I apologise, but I had to take the belt off and leave it in the office. Because of the matching trousers, it was necessary for me to get some egg yolk on my shirt.

On behalf of

Dr Dazza

Dear Dr Dazza,

Do you also have leather elbow patches?

Brianna.

Yes. So does my jacket.

Dear Dr Dazza,

You're getting a bit old for the absent minded professor look.

Respectfully,

Your wife!

Dear Wife,

who are you again? Here, hold my plate while I go chat up offer guidance to that amazing bit of post-grad tottie....

Dear Husband,

She's only talking to you so you'll consider her masters proposal.

Sorry. (not really)

and they are masters...... no proposal required.

Dear monster,

I know that the masters degrees Dazza supervises require approval. His masters students are all research masters.

Informatively,

Ali.

masters about fish , so Master baiters ??

haha...something like that zippy.

dear Ali,

oh, were you talking about degrees?

monster

Dear Teenage Daughter,

This weekend up north really won't kill you, honest. We rearranged everything so you don't have to miss school on Friday, your father is driving you up there later and he hates driving, I'm getting a ride earlier so we do't have to take two cars -and I hate being driven -and 5 hours as a passenger may kill me... OK, maybe there will be a little hockey involved, but there will be internet so for you it'll pretty much be the same as at home but in a more beautiful setting with no chores. SO WHY IN THE HELL ARE YOU SO GODDAMN GRUMPY?

love

Geriatric Bitch from Hell

Here's a big clue. :D

They get better. Honest.

Yeah, Aden's girlfriends Mum and I were talking last night and she was saying she's at her wits end because Makira is always either crying or grumpy or just plain difficult, except when Aden's around. I feel sorry for her, but really, M is just a girl doing what teenage girls do. It's no big surprise surely? lol

*Smugly happy to only have boys*

Dear cellar,

Don't you think this should have been named the passive-aggressive sarcasm thread?

Aunt Flo

Zen, you live on the wrong side of the street to be having a visit from Aunt Flo. :D

Dear Dr. Z,

No. This is more fun.

Dr. M

;)

To be honest this is pretty much the first irrational teenage grump moment we've had and she's nearly 14. I think she's more stressed that tomorrow is the first day of the new trimester and she has to find new rooms/meet new teachers etc. but she'd rather blame the wibblies on something else.

She's all happy now though, because she got her stuff together and she arranged her birthday party. Which makes me want to grump.... ;)

oh and she hasn't been in the pool in more than a week and has way too much oooooomph

I see I've been having a bit of vicarious flirting.

Niiiiiice!

I'm too old and exhausted by life to flirt IRL so it's nice to find a fake-virtual version of myself having a back-and-forth with a man.

:crone:

Dear Sister,

During the holidays it would be nice to have a conversation with you that does not include you being defense at every comment anyone else makes whether its about you, to you, or not anything to do with you. We would recommend midol or hormone replacement but not sure that covers "bitchy". At least its not a written symptom on the label.

Flouncing out of Mom's house as the injured party every year is getting old and boring. May we recommend 10,000 IU of Vit D some fish oil and maybe a happy pill?
KTHXBAI

Dear Family,

Thanks for sticking beside me when everyone else had given up. Thanks for always loving me, quirks and all. Thanks for making me laugh and even for making me cry. Thanks for being steadfast, sure, and strong. Thanks for believing in me when I least believe in myself. Thank you for 'micro-malts' and 'casting asparagus' and 'passing the butter bill', and requesting not 'one more peep.' (PEEP!) Thanks for opening the window and throwing up the hash. Thanks for bicycles and sleds and just enough freedom to find my own troubles. Thanks for making me learn to get out of my own troubles, and stepping in when I couldn't, or didn't know how. Thanks for being so hard on me when I tried to lie out of something, and teaching me integrity. Thanks for making me know that I can get knocked down but I won't stay down for long. Because I'm one of YOU. And one of US never stays down for long. Thanks for unconditional love.

Love,

Me

Dear Rich Cousin by Marriage,

Thank you for showing us all how to handle money. Yes we have gone back into restaurants to leave the tip you were "taking care of". You see we care what people think of us. I know it is shallow but that is what I am. When you joined MiL's kindle club my less than generous heart saw what would happen, but MiL is generous beyond her means. Now you want to add another device for your hubby so that he can benefit from her apparent willingness to buy school textbooks and pleasure reading for people whose income in the last decade easily outstrips her lifetimes employment. Now you're offended, but I thought we were not supposed to care what people think of us where money is involved? Please help me understand when we care what people think and when we don't.

without generosity,
Griff

Dear family,

thanks for a lovely weekend.

:) xxx

Dear beest....

the good news is I put an end to the vibration problem in the Focus and we no longer need to worry about getting all five of us and all our hockey gear in it.....

Whats that? Aden has a girlfriend? When did that happen? He cant be just getting girlfriends without us knowing about it?

Oh I didnt have a Dear Family entry....

Ummm....

Dear Siblings,

For the gazillionth time, I am not the spoiled brat of the family even though I am the youngest. Mum and Dad were never home when I was growing up, I worked after school out in the orchard so earnt my own money to buy aaaaalllll the things you think were handed to me, you wouldnt know this because by the time I was 7 you had all left home.

Can we please not have this conversation at Christmas this year? It makes me pissie, Mum tells me to bite my tongue and then I get really competitive during the family cricket test after Christmas Lunch and last year one of you copped a tennis ball in the eye.

Love Always,
Bitchy Little Brat

If you'd been here for the last 5 months you'd have known about it. ;)

She's really lovely. Her family are a bunch of control freaks though, so they don't get to see each other outside school much. We'll have to see how they go over the holidays. They've been seeing each other for over 6 months now.

Dear students,

With a 12:00 hand in, 11:55 is not an appropriate time to email me and tell me you've a problem.

That is all.

Nice usertitle ;)

Come and play cricket?

Dear Ducks,

Letting drunken Uncle Johnno swing the cricket bat while tipsy cousin Dave-o fields at silly point is a Bad Idea.

Love,

Your mum.

fucking stupid point you mean?

Dear student,

It is not my fault your aid was terminated at our school due to your lack of satisfactory academic progress. Also, I'm not your slave, serf, bondservent, vassal, chattel, or dog.

I'm happy to assist your new school by zeroing out future disbursements. All you need is to ask. Out of 25,000 students, I forgot to read your mind and realize your plans had changed since the origination was made.

Therefore, leaving a nasty message that anything we've done is unacceptable is, well, unacceptable. I will fulfill your request, but I sure as hell am not calling your bitchy underachieving ass back, due to the reasons stated in the first paragraph.

This will all be noted in your file, should you have any questions when you lose your aid at your new school (a Clown College, no doubt) and you decide to appeal due to our insufficient hand-holding as you bitched your way through your free money here.

Thank you, and have a blessed day.

Dear Financial Aid Officer,

Gimme what I want and give it to me now. Why? 'Cause I want it! Me me me me mememememe!

Disrespectfully,
Spoiled stupid (and probably ugly) ingrate