Well that's that
 

J announced that she's moving out. She's tired of being mad at me all the time. We're too different, she says, and she doesn't want to ask me to change because that's not fair.

We are lucky in that we never actually got married. Perhaps there was an inkling in us that it wasn't really exactly right. But that's not it.

I'm done with relationships for a while. Ah, you know, maybe four-five months until I get my shit together. Although maybe I shouldn't get my shit together because when we started it appeared that I had my shit together and that fake front appearance is attractive. Until they find the truth is you don't have your shit together and then they can just be mad at you all the time.

This is horrible, but I feel like at least I have some experience at it.

Sorry to hear that, UT.

That'll teach you to try and get your shit together.

I am taking the approach of "No, my shit isn't together and that's how I plan to keep things, unless I change my mind, in which case you are still not invited to comment on, nor police my behavior in any way."

Then they can be mad at me or not, but then I am not misleading them anymore.

Her: "You never exercise."
Me: "And...? Your point is...?"

Her: "Are you having a third beer?"
Me: "Of course. I have to have a third beer before I can have a fourth beer. You can't just skip a beer. Duh."

Sorry dude.

I'm sorry, UT. No matter what/why/how, it's lousy to go through.
Take care.

I'm sorry UT. Big hugs to you. We love you shit-an'all <3

Aw, man. Sorry this is happening to you. There's no one in the world who has their shit together, I think.

What Clodfobble said. NOBODY has their shit together and if they say they do they are lying. Personally, I can have it together for brief moments in time but a butterfly wing flapping in Brazil can eff it up for me.

The good news is that there can be great peace in loving yourself and cultivating your own garden (so to speak).

Be good to yourself. You're all you've got.

Oh my god UT.
I am so sorry.

Bet it hurts like hell.

Here's to feeling less shitty every week that passes.
Or every month.
Or every year, depending how fucked up you are on a scale of one to ten.
I didn't include decades as I'm sure you're not as fucked up as me.

Thoughts with you.

I'm sorry UT. Nobody has their shit together. Some just fake it better than others.

Well, shit. Sorry you're going through it Tony. *hugs*

Well fuck. :(
I know you're hurting, I'm sure J is too. It's double bad when you care about each other, but can't be together without making more hurt.

WTAS...... Nobody has their shit together. Except maybe the anal retentives, and then it's together in a bad place.......

How long were you together?

F3 -the beer comment ...perfect.

8 years

Wow. That means I have known you for 9.

Sorry, ute. 3 months, and 30 lbs from now, you will start to be exited about life again. Not that that helps now. Sorry to you too, Jaq. I hope you two will stay friendly.



•spoken in to my phone

Just got the news, Toad. So sorry to hear, both for you and for J. I will be sending the appropriate juju your way for you to land as solidly on your feet as I did when Selene and I ended things. Peace and hugs, man.

Well, shit, Toad. Sorry to hear it.

Maybe something good will eventually come of this.

:comfort:

...

I read all this. I read all the posts following too. I re-read this one a couple more times. I'm still... I'm still a bit stunned. Not because I'm surprised this happened or because I saw it coming or anything like that, I'm stunned because I expect things to work well, and when they don't, there's a stop, and a period of re-evaluation. Obviously, I didn't see anything like this coming.

But that ignorance extends far enough to for me to know that I don't know enough to be "happy" or "sad" or excited or relieved or concerned or what... I just don't know. I, too, have some experience at it and my experience included all those reactions and more. Especially the horrible part, UT. I'm really sorry, brother.

tl;dr --> I'm sorry to hear this sad news.

Bummer UT. I'm sorry for both of you. It's never easy, no matter who makes the call. :(

*I* have no grounds to know enough to be "happy" or "sad" or excited or relieved or concerned or what.

On one hand I'm devastated, but having been through it, I'm also sturdier and I know that the emotional roller coaster will stop soon enough.

BUT WHAT THE FUCK! HOW AM I GONNA DEAL WITH THIS!

Even now on day one, I feel like I personally will be better off and especially once I realize that she was coming around to the idea that I'm just some sort of fuckup.

Because I'm not. I am a little on the surface, but deep down I'm solid. I have plenty going for me. I think she just didn't relate enough to me and me to her in some fashion.

(wait the anger is rising a little)

I fucking hate John Mayer now. You know that it's the same goddamn chords and changes, that people have already worked out for 30 years - and he's completely 100% derivative, there's absolutely nothing original to the guy. Actually, no, I'll go further, frankly the entire genre of white guy singer-songwriter is totally fucked out. I would like to never hear another white guy singer-songwriter again. Plus John Mayer may be a douche in real life. I don't know for sure, but it seems like a lot of people think he's a douche.

And you know what -- if you don't "get" the music that I listen to, that's on you. It's some of the greatest music ever written, if you would learn to really listen and pay attention to more than lyrics for a few minutes.

(pant pant pant)

Regarding Footer's comment: Oh you don't like me having beer #3? That's fine, I know you don't like people when they drink. I realize your ex drank, and treated you horribly, and even though I'm not like that at all, I'll just wait until you go to sleep to have #3 and #4. Oh, it's not okay even when you're unconscious? Really? Now we're in a whole weird area and I'm not sure who needs fixin'.

(pant pant pant i'm better now) (maybe I should have said that stuff to her 3 months ago or something)

(it's okay if you, dwellar, enjoy the music of john mayer. we are not engaged)

Sorry to hear J is self-banned from UT.

You know, I never got the whole, 'my ex drank so you shouldn't out of consideration for me'.

If I were to apply those rules to my husband, it'd be, 'my ex cheated on me, so you can't talk to women out of consideration for me.'

Sure if you were a lousy drunk it'd be different, but if you're just having a few drinks and not turning into some kind of raging dickhead, then it's not the same.

Or,

I'm already drunk with your beauty, these are just chasers.

That's a long time to get over. Sorry.

Wow UT, sorry this is your shit to deal with now. I hope you are able to make the best of it. Concentrating on just you could be a really good thing for you.

The drinking thing...it gets me upset now and then too. He knows it because I voice it - I dont like him drunkish, and he gets there starting at the fourth beer. But, I have never givien it a second thought that it would make me leave him, because all in all, he does try to control it.

If however his boys dont get their acts together, I may go live with my Mom for a while...:cool:.

That sucks, UT. I agree with Clod... nobody has their shit together. Not even if they think they do... perhaps, ESPECIALLY if they think they do.

But you know, when a relationship is new, it's good sometimes, because your not-together shit works together in some way.





but goddammit this woman gained 100 pounds during our time together and i was nothing but supportive about whatever decisions she made about it. somehow she still got mad at me and needed me to change. i don't know what a relationship is any more. it's not showing love. whatever that is.

When someone 'needs you to change', they aren't loving YOU - they just have an image of their ideal partner in mind. Not talking about someone encouraging you to stretch, reach for what YOU really want for yourself - just about the myriad tormentors who try to fit their partners into a Procrustean bed that fits their fantasy.

Sorry you got burned showing love. It's never wrong to do; but it can backfire when offered to the wrong person. Sorry.

I used to be a big proponent for the 'you shouldn't try to change the person you love' crew, but there are things about my husband that he should change if he wants to be part of a family that works together, or maybe he should have picked a different wife, or none at all even.

That being said, we all evolve in different ways. Most people are not static in their attitude to life and how they think about things. Most of us are open to change if we can see that it's for our own benefit. I know that in his heart my husband knows he should do some things differently, and he's trying, but it doesn't mean we still don't have conflict over some things. I think I have changed during the course of our relationship, and he has too. We both have a long way to go before we're perfect, but we're trying.

I think it's when you decide you can't be bothered trying anymore that the end comes into sight.

Your relationship with J lasted longer than BOTH my marriages together.

You're not a fucked up, shit-not-together person.

To dig up a really old but really true cliche: whenever I'm pointing the finger of blame at someone, I've got three fingers pointing back at me. I LOVE to externalize my problems on to other people. Food for thought.

Another cliche, it's probably more about her than you.

Some people -when they realise they are unhappy with themselves/their lives- go for the jugular as a quick answer -get rid of everything and all will get better.

Maybe she realised you noticed the 100lb. Probably easier to get rid of you than that.... Maybe you don't care about the 100lb, but if she did (deep inside), doesn't matter what you thought.....

Sounds like it's high time you scratched the seven year itch.

Sorry, bro. You know, you'll work through this, and keep on bein' you.

Damn Tony. Hopin it gets a little better for you every day.
At least now you've got no excuse to miss bowling with Jim & I.

Well, crap.

:comfort:

:(

I'm so sorry to read this.

WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

word.

AND!


Let's go to Victory Brewing again sometime. Not only will I not judge you for having a 3rd beer, I'll chug you for who buys the 4th!

someone find that post Tony made where he was playing Bass in his old band, and there were some chicks hitting on him.

Sorry to hear this, Tony
I agree with Bri and Monster. It could very well be externalized self-loathing. I've been there. On both ends.

She never wanted to go anywhere. She was actually apologetic about her weight. A few times we would run into people I knew and she was always like, oh god oh god I'm sorry people had to see you with me. And I was like, J, christ, don't ever say that. Shit happens.

But when I suggested she was unhappy with herself she would deny it

This never actually happened to my knowledge.

oh. maybe that was some other UT I know.

or maybe we talked about it in chat.

or maybe I'm seeing the FUTURE!

Chicks hit on the skinny guitarist, not the fat bassist, it's just a fact of life.

eta no there was that one time when this lovely dark gal shook her ass directly at me, but it wasn't hitting on me, she immediately left after that, but I took it as her way of saying that I was bringing some serious funk which for a bassist is even better than actually getting hit on.

Thats what I was thinking of.

And she was hitting on you...and girls like the thick string.



•spoken in to my phone

"feels good after it stops hurtin"

I hope that will be your future [hugs]

Very sad. Sorry, UT.

But here's the thing - after all that time of being a part of something else, you need time to be yourself again. It sucks not having your partner there to chat with, bounce ideas off of, or just sit in silence, but you're clearly healthy in the head or you wouldn't be in mourning at the moment.

So, PLEASE don't try to fill the temporary void with anything else but yourself for at least six months, longer if possible. When my ex and I broke up after 11 years, I was just... broken, for want of a better word. I felt like one of my lungs had stopped working, or something.

But I learned to breathe again. And in that learning process, I discovered that I was actually a better, happier, healthier person on my own. I realized that I was what fulfilled me, and that whatever came along in the form of another person/relationship would be the icing on the cake that was me.

BE THE CAKE! :hug:

be the cake! I like it.

UT, could it get better living apart, or is this final, no more "us"?

So sorry to hear this, UT. I know it hurts.

I hope time is your friend and that you end up in even better shape than when the relationship began. I think that power lies with you...big hugs!!

That is great Glinda, I appreciate it!

Spexx I dunno. I doubt it. She has been pretty miserable and difficult for the second half of our relationship.

Part of my love for her was that she was someone who would not ask me to change. It turned out that was just a ground rule she accepted.

And so she would be mad at me all the time and miserable and not really say why, just hint around it. This was a much worse approach for both of us.

Goddammit I let her miserable kids live here and help wreck the place without giving anything back. Clarity is setting in.

Sorry, man.

Clarity IS setting in and more will come. More will be revealed. And I love the 'be the cake' thing, too.

I KNEW I was going to die of heartbreak when T. left me nearly twenty years ago. We have a son together and thus I knew what he was up to in his life. I would NOT have wanted to become what T. became; what he is now. I am very thankful that I am no longer with him but for the first, oh, eight years I thought I was going to die.

*hugs* More clarity. More cake.

MORE CAKE! YAY!

Break ups suck. Sorry you have to go thru this, UT. Ftankly, it sounds like she didn't have all HER shit together, so why should she be down on you?

I'm very sorry UT.

"But here's the good part: the next woman I hook up with is going to downright adore me, worship me, respect me, praise me and love me, because you people tell me I deserve it, and I believe you, and I'm never ever ever going to make this mistake again. Look forward to that story when I write in in 2009." -- Undertoad, 10/11/2003, previous divorce thread


Well she did, for a while.

You can still be proud of the fact you did great things for both your ex-roommates. The first, getting her out of her shell to bloom. For J, helping her keep it together through a very trying time with her kids, plus helping the kids get their shit in one sock. You gave as good, or better, than you got.

Also, 8 years is hardly a failed relationship. Just one that has run its course. Sometimes that's how long they last.

Very sorry to hear that. Not knowing anything about the situation I'll leave off of any platitudes.

platitudes: Platypuses with attitudes

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-y5m9G8nNL3...uses)+(10).jpg

Ah, platypii. One of God's little jokes.

The look like they were put together by first year engineering students don't they, poor buggars.

Im sorry, UT!

He is a douche!!

I was always willing to hit on you, but you were attached n all....you know....Im an easy bit of fluff........

Truely though, I am sorry you are going through this. We love you shit n all.