Uckity Uck Uck Uck!
 

I ran into an old pal o' mine (we were nursing school buddies 18 years ago) yesterday and I friended her on FB and NOW I'm regretting it.

How does one quietly, incognito-like unfriend someone?


any of you spy experts know?

You just unfriend them. They only discover this if they go looking for you. Why do you care whether they know?

I just feel silly. I asked to 'friend' her and now, after consideration, I don't want to know any more about her. My own doing. I cut off our friendship for a reason; then 18 years pass, we meet (she accosted me) and I decide "Oh! we can be friends again!" and then I think better of it - she really threw me under the bus long time ago and I don't want to re-live any of it or be subjected to her Princessy-ness. maybe she's too close for comfort for me.
she's only four years younger than I but has 2 boys ages 4 and 6 whereas my own are 21 and 22. I've seen her FB pages and it's all Mommy-ness when it isn't Princessy-ness and, as you can imagine, I feel bad about not being SuperBadAssMom whereas she certainly IS SuperBadAssMom judging by her FB pics, etc. elaborate bd parties for four year olds, "the" house etc . jealous I am. A jealous, jealous bitch. but she DID hurt me way before I became such a rag.

:(

oh, yes. And she is, and always has been, best buds with the likes of women who get diamonds for every occasion. As does she. The bitterness in me runs deep, it does. Oh, I'm a hateful crone. What to do? What to do?

Even when we were 18 years younger (her being 26) she treated her own birthday like it was a national holiday. Her first ex hubby gave her a Doonie (SP?) purse, then all the rage and v. expensive, and she was PISSED as there was no surprise party and "he didn't really put much thought into the present; he just bought something," ugh.

Click the button, and move on...

Examine her FB for the inevitable evidence that things didn't go exactly as planned.

Doesn't sound like such a dream life.

Attachment 40988

Attachment 40989

Click the button.

I need to do that to my sister-in-law. I couldn't stand her before she got brain-damaged but Facebook came about afterwards and I thought what harm can she do?

If you're worried about her noticing you've disappeared from her list and don't want her to bug you about it later, you can just block all activity from her feed/comments/updates/app/etc. That way, you're still in her friends list but you don't have to see anything.

Her first ex hubby. :lol: Right, a lovely princessy life. Hopefully he got wise.

Because, seriously, how do these women get away with it? I've read about women who somehow make sure their hubbies know that every anniversary had better be something amazingly better than the last - that there'd better be cruise tickets under the tree, and high-end baubles, and and and ... :confused: how do they get away with it?

I couldn't do that if you gave me lessons and made me write exams. Am I a failure? I must've been standing behind the door when the princess gene was passed out ...

Well maybe you just don't see yourself as a one-man-whore on a constant quest to renegotiate your contract in your favour.

But why do men love these women? I've listened to a man proudly talk about what a princess - no, a queen, a real queen - his wife was, how demanding and capricious she was, and how he loved, loved, loved her. She made him miserable and he loved her. (She also took a lover and broke his heart, and now he despises women.)

And when a woman is generous and loving toward a man, he stops being loving and behaves as badly as he knows how.

I don't understand. Maybe men and women are supposed to make each other miserable. It's always the one who doesn't love, or who loves less, who has control in a relationship. The whole dynamic seems doomed to failure. Or maybe I'm just Aspie, 'cause I just don't get it.

A quote to that effect got a fair bit of air-time here a few years back.

first of all, all kinds of men love all kinds of women, and I don't think I can understand all the dynamics. some of them work, some don't some start working and then stop working, etc, etc. Some people *prefer* a power imbalance. Whatevah.

HOWever.

This:I used to believe it. I don't believe it now. I think my previous belief, my previous understanding was flawed. What is controlled? The other person? The relationship? I don't think either of those things are possible--no, they're possible, but only with the complicity of the other partner.

As the "controller", I can only control my partner with her collusion. As the "controlled", same thing. And I believe it's just as voluntary to be in a relationship that is "controlled". I no longer believe that the one who loves less "has control".

I now focus on controlling myself, and that's a fucking handful from day to day.

...

I don't really know where this is coming from ortho, I know you've been through a metric fuckton of crap, but I will tell you that this is not universally true. Twil is more generous and loving toward me than I've ever known, and I am moved toward better behavior, including (somewhat incredulous) gratitude, frequently affirmed and reaffirmed. Don't despair.

Just block her. Or go ahead and un-friend her.

Alternatively, why not just have some fun with her? Tell her what a sanctimonious bitch she is, or make snarky comments, or just flat-out lie to her about how your life turned out. It could be very therapeutic.

I have one like that too. Source of some deep pain when I was 14 or so - long complicated story that changed my life dramatically for years thereafter. I got a request from a mutual friend, and she (kind of a pollyanna) kinda shmushed us back together - this girl requested me and I accepted to please the pollyanna. As a result I am constantly reminded of how much we have in common and why we were BFF's in the first place . . . but OTOH, of why I couldn't stand her. It's like eighth grade all over again. I need to take my own advice!

In her case it's not financial bragging but intellectual "I'm smarter than you and always knew it" bragging. Which is how it began all those years ago, too. Weirder still, our lives turned out very similar - it's not like she got a Ph.D and left me behind uneducated in the dust. There are many, many kinds of envy.

It's been my own experience and observation - but maybe my 'n = 1' study is skewed. But I'm glad to hear it's not universally true. What you describe is what I would've taken to be the norm, the expected - that when two people are loving and generous toward each other it inspires an increase of the same behaviors, not a sea change into something out of a horror movie. Or at least into a sad drama.

So, I won't despair. Maybe, when it works between two people, it's easy and there isn't the need for careful game-playing and renegotiating? That would be nice. Because as Zen said, I don't see myself that way.

This is possible. But it's not easy.

It is possible. It is not easy, but other things you love are not easy, like being a parent. Still worth it.