Fucking Hell
 

I thought the fact that she was posting here meant that it was going to be ok :( I'm 4 hours away, but i can't go on Thursday at that time. It's exactly the same time as my boys' school team swim meet and I'm the coach.

fucking hell. fuck.

Maybe we should have a virtual wake here at the cellar.

I'm awake and drinking when i should be asleep and not. does that count? :cry: I won't drink too much, though. I want to, but if nothing else, I owe Bri that

fucking fucking shit

I'm also awake and drinking and I shouldn't be but FUCKING HELL

Having my own wake in my own way

Crying is allowed

bollockigshittingmotherfuckingcuntinghell. It must have been an accident. She was so very sad but loved her boys so much

I can't be there Thursday either. Job/classes won't permit. I can't miss even ONE more clinic through June 30 or I will get the boot from the Accreditation Council for Graduate Medical Education.

Shit shit shit.

At what point is it not worth it? I voted in favor of family/relationships many years ago and found myself fucked over.

It's always lose/lose.

If we get a snow day i can make it -assuming the roads are clear enough. otherwise I will be there in spirit. omg.

I keep reviewing, in my mind, recent posts of hers that I now look at as 'indicators' (I know Monday morning quarterback psychologist) some stick out in my mind as being particularly significant, but speculating on the hows takes me down awful roads.

I know she was sad and I hope it was an accident.

Trill gave everyone of you..ALL of you plenty of notice. Take the responsibilty for IGNORING it.

wow.

I include myself.

I suppose we all hoped that she would survive the recent hell she was suffering

Im sorry for my harsh words. My story could so easily have ended like hers.

Um...no?

I take that personally. I know that people think i should have done more, being so close. But my story could have ended this way too. I don't have the ability to swoop in and help, like some friends can do. I tried to get her to call me for lunch, and days pass ans
D i'm so caught up in keeping myself going.

I am wracked with guilt so if we want to blame the cellar for inaction blame me.

We all deal differntly. But we're all hurting. I am sorry.

Don't try and carry the weight of this honey. It's too heavy and it isn't your burden to shoulder.

I failed in my attempt and lived to see some measure of happiness later on. I will never try again, because I have finally learned that all things change..especially the feeling of hopelessness that causes such misery. Infi, as you struggle, remember this.

And, Im sorry that my post is causing you pain..just know that I share it even though
Bri never counted me as one of her friends. I, more than you, saw what was happening.

No.

You are not to blame, and neither is the Cellar. This sucks and is horrible, but blame doesn't enter in to it.

Reread her posts and learn. You may someday see the same signs in someone close to you. Had someone seen mine and acted, I may never had tried in the first place.

Bullshit. IF you "saw" things and didn't act, thats on YOU.
Don't think that just because you apparently saw things that everyone else did. What makes you think I, or MOST others here would recognize the signs... whatever.

Your, yes specifically you Pico, shitty attitude is why I haven't been around here much as of late. And to trot this BS out almost immediately after we find out? WTF?

As for rereading her posts, I actually did some of that last night. Still nothing I don't see and hear on an almost daily basis from others who complain about life without contemplating offing themselves...which we don't know about anyway. It could have been an aneurism or an accident or or or... not that if fucking matters. Grrrrrrrr.
Way to fucking really shit on those here hurting the most. What a selfish thoughtless bitch you are. I'm O.U.T. out of this thread.

We did our part Pico. We provided an environment full of friends. When her laptop died, xoB bought her another so that she could stay with us. When she was in pain, people called her and spoke with her at length.

We are not mind-readers: we can't interpret secret signals over the Internet.

We are not psychologists: we can't provide the kind of clinical support she needed.

We were all that we needed to be: friends.

Classic, you are right.

UT, so are you.

Im out of step and no one needs to put me on ignore because I will stop posting on the Cellar.

IM....My posting was not in the least bit directed at you.

I feel awful at Claudettes passing and will bear a lingering guilt that I didnt not know her better to help her, if she, indeed, did do this to herself.

I'm not sure stoping posting is the way to go, that sounds a like martyrdom to me. I would suggest, as we all should, is think before we type. If you did see signs, and looking back I *might* have seen some now.... Then you eaither do something or don't. But DON"T assume the entire community knew she was going to remove herself from this world ( if this is what happened, as we have no details yet). As people all greive differently, you upset a lot of people by a string of posts, that honestly ended up being about your attempt to leave this world, and not about Claudette. Her *KIDS* posted from her account, to let us know. That means, her *LOVED ONES* may read these posts. What a huge slap in the face to them, and her freinds. If it was suicide, that was her deciding she had no other option. We can look back and say all kind of things, but honestly, whether it was mental illness, or a slew of other things, one thing is clear. She is gone, the community that respected her, and her family that loved her are hurting.

I hardly get involved, but from someone that had dealt with depression before to pick on someone who has passed infuriates me. Would you want others to talk about you this way, if you had suceeded years ago?

Emotions are fraught and this sort of thing hits everyone's buttons.

Pico, don't stop posting. That's silly. You belong here as much as we all do.

As to spotting signs and acting or not. I think a lot of us did spot signs. That she was in distress and that she was at risk of harming herself in some way, whether by design or accident. But we've also been down that road with her before. There was no reason to think this time it would actually end this way. Nonetheless, some of us did try to reach out and support her in the ways we could. And I do believe we were a help to her at times.

This is a terrible and tragic thing. Let's not fall out and add to the misery. Nor should anybody be casting blame, or accepting it.

Pico no matter what happened you may not control the world, you only live in it.

Whatever happened to Trilby has nothing to do with any of us here. She came here for support and she got it. She was a gentle soul and it was all too much for her. :(

Hindsight
Hindsight
Hindsight

Woulda
Coulda
Shoulda

Not the sort of stuff endorsed by Claudette. Practiced? Sure, but she knew it lead nowhere.

The problem with an online community is that we can't give each other hugs. When someone dies, the survivors are supposed to comfort one another and hug.

*hugs*

It's all too easy to let guilt settle in after something like this. i know I've been going through stuff I said, or didn't say. Adding to the pressure of the new pup for instance. But it's misplaced. It's natural, in the circumstances but it doesn't help anybody.

*hugs*

*hugs*
Needed that.

:grouphug:

Could anyone have prevented it? I doubt so. She made her decision based upon what she was feeling at that moment. She knew we all loved her & cared. Sometimes it is not enough. That being said, sometimes a few kind words do make the difference. I was very close one night and a simple comment Dana made changed my outcome.

All I can say is Trilby, I loved you. I hope you are in a happier place. I was blessed to have known you

I was in the car yesterday and had some peace and quiet to actually absorb Trils passing and I was surprised to feel angry at her. I was thinking about her life and how she beat cancer, and then just threw it away and I felt angry. I guess in a way I still do, but I do understand depression. Many others here do also. It can get it's hooks in and skew your whole view of the world and yourself.

Mostly I just feel sorry and sad that she let it get the better of her in the end.

RIP Claudette. We were not close, but I admired your courage through your challenges. I just wish you could have found a bit more. :(

The first emotion I felt after reading Sarge's email to inform me of Claudette's passing was shock. The second was guilt. I won't get into why so but it took me almost the whole day to let go of it. I still feel bad but the sadness from the last two weeks have worn me down. I'm tired. We should just accept sadness and let go of all other emotions.

Has someone determined that this was due to anything other than an accident or "natural causes"?

I must respectfully disagree.

I admit that there is much that is scary, sad, and downright evil in the world.

But there is also much that is good and kind and fun.

...and this place being all three.

No.:headshake

OK :blush:

Yes :blush:

Eh... if Jax says ok. :p:

From what I can discern, it was accidental

How do you know, Sarge? Just asking.

As I posted in the other Trilby/Brianna thread, all my alarm bells when off when she posted about drinking and taking tranquilizers and going to bed. VERY bad combo. I knew two other alcoholics who died that way - one of whom I felt terribly guilty about to this day. I went on a "12 Step" call to him with another alcoholic. We literally spent hours with that man, and he seemed OK when we finally left. He apparently over-dosed soon after our departure.

You can only do so much. If a person is determined to die - and poor Trilby must have been. She was very intelligent plus she was an RN for heaven's sake. She knew very well the dangers of drinking and taking tranquilizers at the same time.

No one here should feel guilty. Many if not most of us didn't know how to contact her IRL, and the Internet, even the Cellar has its limits. Trilby posted many times about her drinking, depression, etc. How could anyone know that her last posts were actually going to be her last?

The last pm I ever sent her was filled with concern, and I begged her to call another alcoholic - me (or anyone else) - and talk through what was going on with her. She never called and she never answered my pm.

Poor Trilby! I can understand her suffering at least somewhat. I hope she is in a better place. At least she is in peace at long last.

PS Why is this thread in "Nothingland"? No offense to Monster, but Trilby was SOMETHING! She will be remembered and missed probably for as long as there's a Cellar.

Until and unless her sons decide to state what happened, speculating on what happened is, in my own opinion, improper.

I would be inclined, until further evidence proves otherwise, to consider "death by misadventure" - a death due to unintentional accident without any violation of law or criminal negligence.

As stated, my opinion, nothing more.

Because it was a selfish threadabout how I felt, not a thread of condolence and not necessarily something for her boys to read, so I put it where they probably wouldn't find it and titled it appropriately. In hindsight, one of my better moves.

Agreed. It kind of irked me that many assumed she'd done it intentionally.

I wish she'd have told me she gave up the puppy, that would have freaked me.:(

hmmm... I see your point. It just seems so sad for her to end up in "Nothingland." Maybe I'm just too hung up on semantics.

Sam, she's all over, under, and through the Cellar fabric, so why not here too. It's not disrespect, it's inclusion. ;)

I say accidental because she had counseled me closely about mixing but also admitted to doing the same.

I am trying so fucking hard not to go trolling through all her old posts. The cellar fabric just got a great big old burl mark.

I just heard tonight. I posted my condolences on the Trilby thread (still used to Brianna), but it's really beginning to upset me. Which is odd, because although I liked Brianna, we never had much one-on-one correspondence. Maybe it's her age, or circumstances, or the timing with deaths in my family but this is hitting me harder than I expect.

I mentioned the news to my wife, and she just informed me her aunt is dying of cancer.

This is shaping up to be one f****d up month. It's times like these I wish I did drink.

It is part of the warp and woof of life that people in our community, people we like or love die. Burl marks are a part of the deal. Us Cellar Dwellers will live better with the burl marks than without.

amen joe, amen!!!

SPIDERMAN!!!! I hope someone is looking after Spiderman :apaw:

Someone posted on her guestbook at Routsong that she is taking care of her kitty.

:(

I was talking to a cow orker about taking off for the funeral. Apparently I am not the only one who has spoken about how we are never allowed to take time off so everyone has all this vacation time and end up using sick time.

What I'll probably do, if I'm still employed, is go to the funeral home after work. I'd like to be there for the service, though.

I'll see how my meeting this afternoon goes.

Just fuck. I can't concentrate on anything.

Thanks for pointing that out.
http://routsong.com/_mgxroot/page_10780.php?id=1186660

:( Rest in Peace Bri.

I posted this on her guestbook, and I thought I'd repsot here for those who didn't see the guest book.

I think Bri would have liked this poem.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
Mary Frye (1932)

I love that poem. Haven't seen it in ages.

Very touching poem, Foot. Nice.

You know, it just hit me that Trilby/Bri was my Secret Santa this year. She sent me such cute, thoughtful things. That Elvis refridgerator magnet is going to be on every fridge I have where ever I may go. (S)HE lives!

Following your footfootfootsteps I repost here my contribution to here memorial at Routsong:

Do not cry because it's over,
Smile because it happened.

-- Dr Seuss.

I'll trade my tears for smiles any day.