Brain Dead
 

Milton Berle once said there are only 960 jokes in the world, but there are a million variations. Here is one.
A man came out of an airport, got a taxi and asked the driver where he can get screwed for $5. They went to a row of brownstone's in town. Go up to the door at the top of the stairs and she will tell you what to do said the cabby. Man knocks on the door and woman inside says what do you want? Man says I want to get screwed for $5. Slip the bill under the door she says. So he is waiting and waiting and knocks on the door again. Voice inside says what do you want? Man says I want to get screwed for $5!! Voice said, what again?!

tarheel

the old joke


A traveller who is a huge fan of seafood arrives in Boston for the first time. He leaves the airport and hails a cab. After he gets in, he excitedly says to the cabbie, "Hey, I'm new in town. Can you tell me a good place to go to get scrod?" The cabbie replies, "Pal, I've got to congratulate you. I've heard that question a lot over the years, but that's the first time I've ever heard it in the pluperfect subjunctive."


eta some nutkin has posted this joke before

Man sits down in a restaurant.

Waitress asks "What'll you have?"
Man says "I'll have a burger, a HAMburger. Not too big. Not too small. ...In the groove.

Waitress asks "Anything to go with that?"
Man says "I'll have some fries, some FRENCH-fries. Not too long. Not too short. ...In the groove.

Waitress asks "Anything to drink?"
Man says "I'll have a shake, a CHOCOLATE shake. Not to thick. Not too thin. ...In the groove.

Waitress says "Let me see if I got this:

You want a burger, a hamburger, not too big, not too small, in the groove. You want fries, French-fries, not too long, not too short, in the groove. And you want a shake, a chocolate shake, not too thick, not too thin, in the groove. ...

Well kiss my PETOOTIE. Not on the left cheek. Not on the right cheek. In the groove."

A brunette was walking along a river. She sees a blonde on the other side of the river and yells how do I get on the other side? The blonde yells back, you are on the other side.

tarheel

Sex crime

A 90 year old man was charged with assault with a dead weapon. He was acquitted because the evidence wouldn't stand up in court

An old man ran up to a priest and told him that after taking Viagra he had an erection for 3 hrs. Priest said why are you telling me? You are Jewish. Old man said tell you? I am telling everybody.

tarheel

An old man goes into the pharmacy and walks up to the counter kinda embarrassed. He asks the pharmacist, in a very low voice, "Do you have Viagra?" The pharmacist replies "Yes sir, we carry Viagra, do you have your prescription?"

The old man says "No, I don't have a prescription." He looks around furtively, and adds "Do you think I could get over the counter?"

The pharmacist looks at him and says "Oh, I don't know, if ya took three or four of them ya might."

[emoji2]

tarheel

A young maiden is cleaning up outside after the Viking party. She hears a voice. I'M THOR ! Oh mighty thunder god I have always wanted to meet you, she says. The booming voice said, I'm not that Thor stupid I'm so sore I can hardly piss.

tarheel

Clean up, Isle 3

................ha................ha..............

tarheel

...after a wild bout of viking sex the young maiden moans, "Oh Thor!"

He replies, "You think you're thor, my dick'th about to fall off."

A priest and a rabbi were entering a lifeboat on the sinking cruise ship. The priest said, what about the children?
Screw the children, says the rabbi.
The priest said, do you think we have time?

tarheel

Awful Tasteless Joke Warning
 

Two pedophiles were sitting on a park bench when an eight year old girl walks by.

"Did you see the body on her?" says one of the pedos.

The other replied "Yeah, she must've really been something back in her day."



I told you it was awful.

A mortician cut the pecker off of every male cadaver that he handled. He put the peckers in a five gallon glass jar of formaldehyde. When the jar was full, he went to a taxidermist. Told the man he wanted him to make something with this five gallon jar of pickled peckers. So a few weeks later the mortician comes back and the man puts a wallet on the counter. What? This is all you could make?! The taxidermist said, you don't understand. All you have to do is rub it a few times and it turns into a suitcase.

tarheel

Lol. Love that one.

Priest and a rabbi on a park bench. 10 yr old boy walks past. Priest says, 'God forgive me, I want to fuck him.' Rabbi says, 'out of what? '

Me too, stealin' that for yuks.

What does a Jewish pedophile say?


Buy some candy, little girl?

A father decided to treat his family and cook some deer meat. Little Sally and little Johnny sat down to eat. Sally asked daddy what kind of meat is this? Daddy said this is what mommy calls daddy. Johnny yells spit it out Sally you're eating an a$$hole!!

tarheel

Little Johnny goes to a house and knocks on the door. Lady opens the door and Johnny says can Stevie come out and play baseball. Lady says you know Stevie was born without arms or legs. Johnny said yeah I know, but we want to use him for third base.

tarheel

We're all going to hell in a handcart.

But, at least we'll be laughing.

A man went to a surgeon for a pecker transplant. The doctor brought a sample. The man said no , I have one that size. So doctor brought one 6". No still to short. Brought one 9" long. Nope, longer. Doctor brought one 15" long. The man said, thats it. By the way doc do you have one in white?

tarheel

From "Pissing In The Snow and Other Ozark Folktales":

Old Tom and Young Jack were walking home one night after the squaredance, and they came to the bridge that crossed the creek near their shared home. The running water and the cool night air worked their magic, and before they could get across the bridge, they both had to piss.

Young Jack was a big old country boy, hung like a mule, and when they both started to piss, Jack just laid his tool across the rail on the bridge. Old Tom, not having good eyesight due to his age, thought Jack's cock was a snake on the rail. Old Tom hollered "SNAKE!!" and whomped Jack's tallywhacker with his walking stick. Jack grabbed his pecker and hollered "Bust him again, Tom, the sumbitch just bit me!"