A rough couple of years
 

I've always had peaks and dips, but it seems to be on a downward trajectory. I don't know if it's just getting older, or the accumulation of trauma I've been through, but my peaks aren't high enough to be a productive member of society, and my dips are bordering on sabotage. I've been thinking about what I would need to pull me out of this mindset, but in the meantime I don't have enough resilience to weather the challenges. So I'm to the point of just sitting and staring at the wall.

I don't open my mail or pay my bills, I'm late to work every day, I don't have a running car, I've only got a few people I can talk to, and my time to have a good relationship with my children is slipping through my fingers. I'm certain, with good reason, that everyone I know is disappointed in me at best, or outright adversarial at worst.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk!

Well then, it sucks to be you.

Have you considered reinventing yourself? It's a technique.

If that doesn't appeal, I'll turn you over to lumberjim for guided remedial action.

BTW, what does your health care provider have to say about this?

Oh Flint, that's a horrible place to be. Do you have a diagnosis/receive any treatment/counselling for your mental health? Even if you are not interested in medication or counseling, you might be able to get FMLA to protect your job while you try to get into a better place (although they do usually require you be be undergoing some kind of treatment program for that, I think). Not ideal, but maybe a starting point. Go see someone next time you have a strong moment. Do it. There will be a way out. We're here for you and are not disappointed in you. And want to help.

Yes, listen to tw. His suggestion is favorably considered by others.

You have characterized yourself this way; that is all your invention; and you can characterize yourself in other ways over time. LJ will be around after the game to explain.

Anyway, it's not the case. Human beings are enormously resilient.

You have a responsibility to take care of yourself. It's not an easy responsibility to see. Your situation is dire, as is all of ours too. It will continue to deteriorate, until the point at which you will suffer harder. This just leads to more shame and resentment and trouble. The only answer is to take care of yourself. You have nothing better to do and nothing more important.

Wise thoughts.

Be kind to yourself. However you do it you're going to have to assert your authority over your own mind and by extension your life. I'd start with my GP. You matter to me man, get some help.

I only know cos I have been there

I'm here with everyone else cheering you on. I don't know what healthcare options are open to you in the States but as Monster says, take a day when you are feeling stronger to take steps to access the help you can. Do you have a close friend who can help you with this?
As UT says nothing is more important than taking care of yourself. If doing it for yourself is not motivation enough, do it for your children. They DO care, and WILL appreciate your efforts.

recognizing the issue is a good start. you should still have my cell number, use it if you want to talk it through.



Sounds like you've got the fukkits. Forgive yourself first. You have been acting according to your current level of consciousness. Sounds like you're spending psychological time in the past, cultivating regret. quit that. It's ok to recognize it, feel it for some time, but then you have to let it die. Sounds trite, but just don't think about it as much. Apologize to those you can, if you can... if you've done something that warrants is.. I think you may find that they are not actually disappointed in you. Maybe by your actions... but you're a good dude at heart.



Increasing your inner awareness is step one of fixing your actions. And aint nothing wrong with staring at a wall. It's what's going on between your ears. Where...or WHEN... are you when you stare at it?



I feel like I always give the same advice, and sound like a nutter harping on a religion....BUT.. I'll risk that if it helps you some.






watch more of his videos as they come up. Dude is soothing, and makes lots of sense. Sahdguru is another good one.



You'll be OK. because you ARE already ok, you just have to see it.

"...if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track."

That is part of the quote from Terry Bozzio you chose for The Cellar.
That is simple advice, as well as free and effective.

I am not disappointed in you, because you did the hard thing which was speaking up. You are stronger than you want to give yourself credit for.

Are you still in the Portland area? Or did you come back to Texas?

I know so many people that have it, it is a serious problem at about our age

Im so sorry buddy,ill say a prayer that things get better for you :)

<raises hand> I sure have. The key phrase for me is when I have "What's the point?" constantly running through my head -- about everything.

It's something to get through... Can definitely be hard, though :yelsick:

This guy is a nut, but he speaks wisdom.

That was fucking great

Man, get the fuck outta my head. I've sat on the edge of the bed staring at the closet door knob way too many hours. I'm sure it amounts to years now.

I wouldn't recommend it.:headshake

Everything you do is meaningful - every decision is important

Ruling out the drugs, booze, and French Foreign Legion route kind of dumps the responsibility back in your lap. It's even harder when you don't have someone to nag you or give you a slap upside the head. You may try something that doesn't pan out but don't give up, keep trying, you're worth saving.

Thank you all for your responses, it means a great deal to me and I appreciate you taking the time.

It's not easy for me to express my internal states verbally, so writing it out helps. I apologize for the delay in responding, I was thinking that any response would be inadequate to the value of what's been posted here.

I'm working on shifting my internal state/attitude towards a more effective mental routine, and working through what I think my hang-ups are is something I feel like I need to go through. I do understand that this is what talk therapy is for, and I have had a counselor in recent years and it did help. Right now I'm in a rural area with woefully inadequate mental health resources, and I have reached out in various avenues and have come up short of actually getting any help.

And I absolutely DO have the ƒuck-its. I've pushed myself beyond my comfort zone for about 15 years, put everything into stability and longevity, but haven't reaped those rewards. Just recently, I was down to getting gas with handfuls of quarters and eating frozen burritos while having one of the only good white-collar jobs in the entire county. Honestly, it's bullshit.

What if I just get drunk and play video games and take viagra and have orgies every night, is that what I should have been doing this whole time? What if I push my drumming skills to the limit and become so in-demand that I'm working every night? Well goddammit I'm doing all those things and it all sucks. All I really wanted was a two-car garage in a good school district, and I did all the work and I achieved those things, but it's all gone and I'm more of a loser than I was to begin with.


...


THERE NOW i GOT THAT OUT OF THE WAY AND i CAN POST ON THE CELLAR AGAIN

High low middle

All averages out to middle

There is no grade given, no right life.

You're being you. How could you not?

Wonder what will happen next.

The story isn't over, you are writing more of the story every day. This is the part of the story where the hero figures out that success wasn't all it was cracked up to be (we kind of knew that, there was foreshadowing) and there's something more hidden that he has to discover in the darkness.

Do you have a general goal or something you have your sights set on?

Any response, Flint, shows us you’re still here and encourages us to encourage you.
As UT says, can you identify an immediate goal? I am sorry that the mental health provision is poor where you are. Is there other online support you can access besides us? Hang in there, buddy, we’re on your side.


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Sometimes a simple goal like getting to work on time (easier said than done) is a giant leap forward.
Always keep in mind there is no answer, no magic solution, it's always one step at a time.