i have nothing to lose
 

i feel i have nothing to lose by spilling my guts to you all, because it seems to me that most of you either think i'm crazy or stupid or you don't respect me, etc. then again, some of you are really nice and give good advice...anyway, i posted this on another website, because i felt like i might get trashed here by posting it, but you guys know a lot about my life already and i guess i have nothing to lose by posting this here so here goes:

my life sucks. maybe i'm whining...i mean, my family is healthy, i have a job and a place to live and i don't have a terminal illness or anything, but still, i feel that my life sucks. i am a 27 year old female. i have not one person in the world i can call a friend, except for my husband, and we are having problems. i smoke too much, i really hate my job (waitressing) and i'm afraid to get another job because i have to call out sick two days every month when i get my period because i get such bad cramps, i can't leave my bed and heating pad...and i'm afraid another job woudn't be so tolerant of that! so i feel i'm stuck in this job i hate, dealing with some pretty nasty people, and that is basically my entire life. go to the job i hate, eat sleep, feel bad about my realtionship. i have so many food allergies and intolerances that i can't go out to eat. i live on potatoes, fish and apples. if i stray from that basic diet, i get upset stomach, headaches, etc..i used to go to all different doctors, and they found gluten intolerance and low blood pressure, but none of them were any help. i gave up trying to ever eat like a normal person again. i used to have long blonde hair and i felt so pretty. then i dyed it black, thinking it would look exotic, but it was so unhealthy i had to cut it all off and now i have this stupid,ugly short black hair, so i'm not happy with my appearance, either. i was happy when i used to go to the gym 6 days a week. i felt really good, but since i started waitressing three and a half years ago, i can't work out because i get low blood sugar attacks at work and my muscles feel too weak to carry the trays and i just don't feel i have the energy to do both! so i sacrificed my workouts for this stupid job i hate. i also dropped out of college when i started because i felt so overwhelmed by the damn job and the stress, and i felt that i needed to simplify my life and reduce my stress load, so no more school and studying- gotta pay the rent and the credit card bills! so this job makes it hard for me to work out or go to school, but i fel stuck in it because of my stupid period and the fact that i either need to call out sick two days, or work three weks and take a week off. where else am i going to work that will tolerate that? especially from a new employee? so, my life sucks because of 1) job i hate and i feel stuck in
2) marital problems
3) no friends or social support
4) no goals for the future, no idea of what to do with myself
5) severe menstrual cramps that interfere with my life
6) major cigarette addiction
7) financial problems like credit card debt, and living week to week with no savings and no end in sight
8) unhappy with appearance and nothing i can do except wait over a year until my hair grows
9)can't excercise, even though i want to, because it interferes with work
10) can't eat like normal people. sick of explaining it to people, can't go out to eat.

i feel hopeless and depressed. i used to have goals. now i can't even think of anything i want to do...and when i do get an idea, like "i would be a great accountant, i should go to school for it" all i see are LIMITATIONS! how would i pay for it? i could never handle work and school, that's why i dropped out the first time, if i studied and worked, i would have no time for my husband or myself, what if i did become an accountant? do they want me working for them if i'm calling out sick twice a month?
i'm like this with everything. my life feels controlled by limitations from my JOB and my period and i hate it. i can't see a way out. my husband doesn't make enough money for me to not have to work. i make more than him. i just had to get all this out of my system, i feel so hopeless and miserable. at least maybe i can make someone else feel better about their own life.

Stacey,

I am not going to tell you that you had better be thankful for everything you have, blah blah blah. I'll bet you hear that on a regular basis.

It sounds as though you feel isolated and depressed. I get that way, too sometimes. It's really hard to come up with a solution to your problems when you are focused so heavily on how badly they make you feel. But, I think it might be worthwhile to immerse yourself in something that makes you happy, whatever that is. Maybe you like to paint. Get yourself some colors you like and just paint for an afternoon. Whatever makes you happy, you should do for yourself. You mentioned you like cooking for your husband. Think about something YOU want to eat...maybe try cooking in a cuisine completely foreign to you. You can learn alot about cooking that way. Do something to improve yourself...not necessarily college, if you don't have the time or energy for that. Maybe take a martial arts class, or learn how to knit. There are lots of things you have occupy yourself with that can be rewarding, if you let yourself basque in those little accomplishments. Do something for yourself and have the courage to feel good about yourself in whatever you are doing.

case

Stacey, I could have written a lot of what you wrote. I really feel like I'm on a treadmill now--I'm not sure there's much point to a lot of what I'm doing. (Except for posting on the Cellar, which is an obvious benefit to society.) I never go anywhere and have little social life. I admit that this is partly due to my own kind of introverted personality, but it's also due to the pressures of work and family commitments. And as for my wife & I going out together... don't get me started on the difficulty of finding babysitters. Let's just say I didn't get rejected by this many 15-year-old girls when I was in high school!!

School sounds like a good idea. Yes, it's hard... but I think you have to try, or you'll be kcikign yourself forever. Maybe you can talk to someone else who's been through it? I dunno. I've also thought about another degree, though in my case it's far from clear what degree that would be and what benefit it would be to me.

And I'm certainly not going to weigh in on "female problems." But you might read this.... it may not be news to you...

http://archive.salon.com/mwt/feature...11/25/periods/

because i am a heavy smoker, it's kind of risky for me to take birth control, plus i used to be on it when i was a teenager and i had blackouts and heart palpitations from it. i stay away from any forms of synthetic hormones now. my body is hypersensitive or something, i can't even take pain relievers...advil used to work so well for me, but now it gives me nausea and dizziness and shakiness, and aspirin makes the pain worse. tylenol just doesn't work for cramps. interesting idea, though. thanks.

I get wretched cramps (even on BC) and nothing works for the pain except Aleve.

School sounds like a good idea. Yes, it's hard... but I think you have to try, or you'll be kcikign yourself forever.

School turned out to be my solution for overcoming the depression I was in -- it is challenging, keeps you busy, sets goals for you, and leaves you feeling that you've accomplished something after you've gotten through a class or even a small project. Finding time for school, however, is another stressing factor. When I was unable to attend classes, I picked up a hobby that got me doing something: photography. Keeping the mind busy is important to good mental health and I've found that a hobby cures depression really well. We are, after all, just monkies with OCD.


5) severe menstrual cramps that interfere with my life

This subject made my list of why my life is miserable, too, but it read "women with severe menstrual cramps interfere with my life".

*duck*

I can't begin to address all that but I can make a suggestion or two that you can try if you are game.

At your job, be sure to smile and greet people and act like you enjoy serving them. Some folks will still act like jerks to you but I promise the jerk count will decrease and some folk will actually smile back and be nice back. If you are a bitchy waitress (not saying you are but IF you are) then bitchy customers are a certainty. I was a waiter for five years so I know the drill.

Secondly, find some time to help the less fortunate. Volunteer somewhere - old folks home, battered women's shelter, soup line, whatever. In my experience, it is very hard to feel depressed when helping others.

It sounds like you don't feel in control of your life. Not something that can be dealt with in the Cellar but if you want true peace you must find a way to regain control of your life and not feel like a victim. If you aren't running your life then who is?

Report back with some progress - that's an order.

This is very good advice,

Take just one class, either once a week for three hours, or three times a week for an hour.

You seem intelligent, you can definitely manage one class.

The interaction with other students and the teacher will make you feel a part of something. You will also feel you are progressing in life.

Stace, you really need to develop some goal to be working toward. So many folks give up on the idea that life can be meaningful, it'd be a shame for you to join them. Find a goal that appeals to you and take some small steps toward it. You've got to force yourself to believe that you control your destiny. Poor decisions you've made in the past don't change that. good luck g

Stace,

The good news is that your story is not at its end, and while you feel out of control of your situation, it's only you who will write the rest of your story.

The truth, I believe, is simpler than you or anyone else thinks it is.

You have come to think of your situation as bad, and you have found all the bad in it. But you know, it's still up to you to find the good in it.

You have found all the bad in it, and concentrated on that. What comes of it? Well now you have experienced the worst possible feeling; you have dug into the bad of every part of your life, and at the end of it, you still have a life and you still care and you still want to improve your lot.

*Success*. Many people get to that point and never care again, and live lives of terrible desperation and experience no joy. They choose not to care. You care. Ergo you have one component of what you need.

You *feel* stuck in your current job, but you aren't really, and you know that. You're a little scared to test the waters and try to find an employer who will allow you your time. What is the downside of testing those waters? None. You only feel stuck; you are not actually stuck.

You can't exercise because your job requires you to life heavy trays and walk around with them? This is a "duh" moment Stace... you don't really need exercise if your job is exercising you!! We desk sitters need exercise, not you. So: *success* - you have found a job where you move around and lift things, and you can spend your spare time writing music instead.

Hair growing part: this is the really cool thing, and I swear it's totally true: guys LOVE variation. We love it when you women look different all the time. And as a woman you have the glorious luxury of trying out different looks all the time; and while you grow it out you can try all kinds of things, until you get the style that fits your cut that month, and suddenly a new look and *success* who wants to be the same all the time anyway?

No friends - aside from the ones in this thread. *success*

Every day, there will be a moment of joy that you can find. If you think differently, every customer will not be a potential asshole, but a potential moment of happiness. When you find the good and treasure it, it will do you good in the long run.

Look at how your experience with assholes affected you. You took it seriously, and it hurt you. It hurt you much longer and harder than it did during the time when you had to deal with the assholes. It stayed with you for days, and during those days it put a dark cloud over your head.

And now you are concentrating on the cloud!

You have the power to not let that happen; all you need to do is to treasure the good moments, and let the bad moments roll off your back.

my goal is to go to a doctor and see if i can fix my cramp issues. then i want a different job. problem is, i only have experience as a waitress, veterinary technician and receptionist. receptionist is the only position i'd be willing to take, and i feel like i'd be trading in this stupid job i hate for a job where i have to work twice as much to make the same amount of money and i don't necessarily like. you know what i'd really love? to be a housewife like in the forties and fifties. just cook, clean, do laundry,( play my guitar, go to the gym), iron, budget household expenses, have sex, maybe take a few classes, some karate classes maybe, have a band on the side, maybe have a kid or two and have lots of time to do mommy stuff.....i just want to domestic things that do not involve working with the general public! and i don't care about having a lot of money, as long as the bills are paid and i have cigarettes...and i am waaaay too afraid to quit those.

undertoad, thanks for your uplifting post. you have a unique way of looking at things differently and making the problems seem a little bit smaller. i guess the friend thing isn't an issue for me if i can come here and get advice like that.

You know, I might get hollered at for this, but you might want to consider finding a church to join. I say this not because I think Jesus will help you find your way to happiness. In fact, I do not think that at all. However, a church (particularly one of the less militant variety) offers you several things: -1)a social group outside of your home -2) counseling for all sorts of mental problems (that didn't sound nice, but I'm referring to smoking in this case) -3) some sort of structure to your life.
I have no idea whether or not this will help you. But, churches were (and are for a lot of people) a center of the community and for the most part there are lots of people willing to help there.
Good luck.

headsplice, the church thing was a nice idea, but i'm not sure if i even believe in god, or the bible was written by some form of early goverment to make people behave...i honestly don't know. i can't say i don't believe there's a god either, i just don't know, and i am not interested in joining a church or being religious. i make my own rules. i have morals and i know right from wrong, and i think a lot of those religious people are too judgemental and scared. and i just don't believe in turning the other cheek. i believe in hitting back..sorry.
i was in school when i started waitressing, and it was too much for me to handle. that's even before i was married and had to think about someone else. if i work, that's the ONLY thing i do that day. after work, i don't have the energy to go out. and before work, i have to rest so i can have the energy to get through my shift. nothing gets done on work days. and days off are for cleaning, shopping, doing whatever needs to get done. when i added school to that equation, i was completely overwhelmed and stressed out.
O.C, did you fix your allergies? make them even a little better? if so, tell me how!

stacyv:

Perhaps you should try counseling. I feel a lot of what you feel, a lot of the time. Counseling helps, because you're talking to a person who is neutral, and can see things from outside. Sometimes we're so close we can't see the forest for the trees. We feel like we're in a rut we can't get out of, and feel as if there are no possibilities open to us, and we get even more depressed. It feeds on itself, and things get worse because we can't see a way to climb out of it on our own.

You also mentioned feeling depressed. I have a problem with depression myself, and I've found that Zoloft helps to level me out well. If you have clinical depression, getting something to help with that first may help you feel better and consequently to see a way through things more clearly, without the cloud of depression coloring your views.

When you're depressed, everything sucks. You're so busy feeling miserable, that you can't see the good in anything because it seems like EVERYTHING'S going wrong, and usually all at once. If you see a counselor and find that you ARE clinically depressed, you may be able to get medication for it. Once you level out, and are more able to feel okay about things, and not automatically see the bad side, it may be easier to address everything else. Without the influence of the depression, things often seem more hopeful.

Good luck to you.:)

Sidhe

Ummm dude, you worked in corporate IT *how* many years??

Stacy, see if there is a Unitarian Church in your area. Its the only church I have ever enjoyed going to. They are a liberal church that has a belief of "you believe in what you want". While I currently don't attend any type of church my mom still goes to a local Unitarian Church. Here in Salt Lake City there are a lot of strict Mormons and my moms Unitarian church is lead by a pastor who is now a man but used to be a woman (went through gender reassignment). Hows that for an accepting religion?
When my mom and I moved back to Utah from CA she (and me) had no friends. She started going to the Unitarian Church (we had previously gone to that church about 10 earlier when we lived in Utah before) as a way to make friends. She now has a little group of woman she goes sees movies with and attends parties and GTG with. It might be worth checking out just once to see how you like it.

what's that some kind of math homework? someone will figure out your weight if you make it a challenge like that.

oh...stacy, i know i said id leave this alone, so i'll go minimalistic.



chin up! chest out! breathe!

I second the (christian) church notion, of course. But all of the ideas have been good. I quit the nicotine thing cold turkey last monday. To say I miss it is an understatement. But the battle to keep quit has been almost refreshing, in a way. I too had been suffering from depression, but I'm almost positive mine was chemically based. I've never been the healthiest person in the world, but in the last few weeks/months I've eliminated lots and lots of bad stuff from my bloodstream.

Now I can't sleep, because I stress over not having nicotine. But aside from that, I feel pretty good. I smell better, my sense of smell is better, I can taste things. You know, all the stuff people say happens when you give up tobacco.

Re: i have nothing to lose
 

Like I said to you before, at least you *can* work. Try finding a job with a disability...it ain't easy.

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2) marital problems

Well, I can't relate to that, but you did say that you and he will be going to counseling, so that's a start.

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3) no friends or social support

You can change this. Have you *tried* to get out and meet people? Maybe join a club or a group in your town. All of my friends are "back home" in Baltimore, and there's only one that I keep in contact with on a regular, and that's just ok, because all she does is complain about how bad HER life is! (yikes)

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4) no goals for the future, no idea of what to do with myself

It's good to have goals. Try to make a list of things that you now want to accomplish, like getting to therapy, to heal yourself, to change bad habits and embrace better ones, and so on. Don't think of school just yet, just try to get through each day, and don't pressure yourself to do to much too soon. School will always be there.

I technically don't have any goals either, except, I guess, to try to maintain what little good health I have left. Years ago, I wanted to be a great photographer. However, I don't think that will happen anytime soon, because I can't stand for long periods of time anymore, and now that my kidneys are done, I have too many low blood pressure days that leave me weak. The hardest thing is to give up that dream, because it was photography that got me out of a 2 years depression back in the early 90's.

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5) severe menstrual cramps that interfere with my life

You should really see a doctor about that. It could be something serious.

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6) major cigarette addiction

What have you tried in the past to quit?

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7) financial problems like credit card debt, and living week to week with no savings and no end in sight

You may want to look into credit consolidation (like CCCS). I've been with them for about 4 years, and believe me, it made a difference in paying down my debt.

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8) unhappy with appearance and nothing i can do except wait over a year until my hair grows

I used to have flawless, thick hair, smooth skin, clear skin on face (no breakouts, acne, etc.), well taken care of nails...in other words, I used to be fierce (at least, so I thought so..lol). End Stage Renal Disease and Type 2 Diabetes ruined all of that (oh, and my dialysis put 40 extra pounds on me). Skin, scalp, and nails...painfully dry. Seems like no matter what I do, everything just...dries out. It's pitiful. Face: suddenly, I got a mild case of acne, and I've tried various things to get rid of it. Eventually, I'll have to see a dermatologist. Oh, and did I mention about the catheter sticking out of my belly? Talk about "image" problems. It's not so bad now, but when I first got it, it was not a good time for me. And then there's the pot belly that one acquires by carrying around 4 pounds (that's right!) of dialysis fluid in one's belly all day long. Clothes tend to not fit as well as they once did, and that's no fun either.

So, your hair will be fine. :rolleyes: Sorry, but if hair growing back is the only problem you have with appearance, then consider yourself lucky.

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9)can't excercise, even though i want to, because it interferes with work

You know what I did when I could't exercise? I did low impact movement at home. You know why I couldn't exercise? I had plenty of time, for sure. I just had this little problem with my parathyroid hormone. When the levels are too high, it can cause extreme pain in the muscles and joints. Ask Sycamore: I spent all of last summer in major pain. But as soon as I got mobile, things started to change. My point: if you are able to move, then you can exercise. If you want, I can post a link to a site that has been helpful to me and to many others in my situation, when we couldn't leave the home to exercise. And even though things have gotten much better in the last several months, I still have problems walking for long periods of time, so it's a bummer to be out and have to constantly sit down to rest.

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10) can't eat like normal people. sick of explaining it to people, can't go out to eat.

Can't...or won't? When the doctors told me that I HAD (repeat: HAD) to change my diet, I was like, "Oh boy, now Syc and I can't go out to eat ever again". After some time had passed and I got used to the new diet, I found that that's not true at all. What I try to do is to focus not on what I can't eat, but on what I CAN eat (which isn't much). Try being on a low sodium, low fat, low carb, low sugar, low phosphorus diet. :( Truthfully, it sucks. And I have to watch my fluids as well. Too much can build up in the body, and cause edema in my legs.

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i feel so hopeless and miserable. at least maybe i can make someone else feel better about their own life.

Nope, sorry, but parts of my life still sucks (except for Sycamore, of course!), but I hope that what *I* posted makes you feel better about yours. At least you are not facing parathyroid surgery and a future kidney (and possible) pancreas transplant.

Stacey, I truly understand that you feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders right about now. But, the things that you are stressing over are workable...my situation is permanent. Even if I were to get a transplant, I'd still have to worry about the side effects of the anti-rejection drugs, one of which is cancer (not to mention worrying about rejection, and having to go back on dialysis).

Basically, you need to get proactive in making changes in your life. Take control of your life: see doctors about your health (trust me, finding out things now can and will save you more stress later in life), join groups OUTSIDE of the internet, go to counseling, find a hobby.

Good luck.

LadySycamore's right--severe menstrual cramps could be a sign of something worse, like endometriosis. You should get that checked out to make sure it isn't something serious.

And as far as smoking, I smoke, and I intend to keep on smoking. It's one of the few pleasures in my life, and damn it all to hell, EVERYTHING will kill you eventually. Everything you enjoy turns out to be bad for you; I'm not a fast-food person, so I figure I'll keep my cigarettes. It can't be any worse for me than a big mac ;)

staceyv, you do have the ability to un-suck your life, unless you are entirely too comfortable complaining about the level of suck that you revel in it. Be aware of such tendencies, and do something about it.

This is where a therapist comes in handy.

Also, everybody is definitely right ... go see a medical doctor about the cramps. You shouldn't be sidelined every month as a consequence of your period (so says the bitch who never had a cramp in her life).

thank you, guys. your advice has been taken to heart. after ladysycamore's post, i feel i should probably stop whining...anyways, thanks.

Having seen lots of lengthy posts probably filled with serious suggestions, and having read none of them, I feel compelled to contribute a meaningless attempt at humor:

Stacy,

You have nothing to lose but loss itself.


If that sounded deep, it was entirely on accident.

Re: Re: i have nothing to lose
 

Originally posted by ladysycamore I hereby appoint Lady Sycamore the First Lady of Deconstruction. You want answers? You want the TRUTH? Step right up.

and undertoad, your advice was so perfect about my hair AND my "potential asshole" customers...i went to work last night and my first table had a little boy who was about 10 yrs old and he looked at me and said "you have pretty black hair". i couldn't believe it!!! (then again, i also waited on a table of loser, 23 yr old stoned guys that left me $5 on an $82 bill, but i guess you can't have it all)

Even ten-year-olds know... Stacey's mom has got it going on... and so does Stacey.

Cool hair makes a person 10% prettier/more handsome. A cool smile makes a person 100% prettier/more handsome.

I was gonna go all syrupy sweet and suggest that, every day, you write back to us what was the most joyful thing you experienced all day. Some days a big thing, like good news. Some days a little thing, like the warmth of sun that shone in on you.

Even when you don't notice them, those things are there, and it is a very good thing indeed to actually notice them.

People who are depressed and who come out of depression, whether by themself or through drugs or therapy, often say that the colors of the world are brighter to them. I'll go all syrupy sweet and point out what we all know - that those are the same colors, just a different mind taking them in. Maybe it would help to take in those colors just for the sake of it. Notice the beauty, notice the joy.

And allowing myself these kinds of tender thoughts, and writing them here, are part of me noticing the joy as well.

ok, tony. you been hanging out in the hallmark store again?

NO!


he knows i'm just pulling his chain.

It was a very touching sentiment, and i very nearly cried when i read it, so I felt that i should wave my whale penis around a bit. UT is probably the one guy that you can count on to give you his honest thoughts without consideration for how that may make him appear. I admire that. I aspire to that. Yet, as you can se, I'm farrrrr from it. My comment was meant only as a way of saying that I feel what he's saying without going syrupy my ownself.


I think toad is intuitive enough to know that, but by all means, if I have offended, well......I'll go and boil my bottom.

It's all good!

I'm glad that UT's cool w/ it, because let's face it, boiling bottom smells like...well....ass.

[quote]Originally posted by headsplice
I'm glad that UT's cool w/ it, because let's face it, boiling bottom smells like...well....ass. [/QUOTE

thanks for the visual!