Originally Posted by lookout123

My wife just became an urban legend

Mrs Lookout just called me to tell me what our lovely son just did. She stopped at the bank on her way to his babysitter's house. They go to this same bank nearly everyday to drop off my wife's business deposits. Everybody there knows her and my son, in fact, most of them are her clients.

While she was at the counter for her transaction my son, who is 4 was doing what all bored 4 years will do - being antsy, sitting down, crawling on the floor. He was being relatively harmless and my wife was preoccupied so she didn't notice him lift up the edge of her skirt and look underneath. here would be a good time to point out that my wife generally goes commando - a fact that apparently didn't escape Little Lookout's notice today.

LL: (loudly) are you wearing undies?

Mrs: *swatting him away* Yes, stop it!

LL: (louder) Mom you aren't wearing UNDIES!

Mrs: *swatting him again* OK, be quiet.

LL: (Very loudly) Mom, why aren't you wearing any undies? I can see where you pee!!! does dad know you aren't wearing undies?

The Clerk: did you forget something today Mrs Lookout?

The rest of the Tellers and Clients in Bank:

Mrs: Let's go Little Lookout.
__________________
Random Cellarite Fact: TW once challenged a dead woman to a staring contest. The corpse nearly won, until TW's famous humor made her laugh.

Now with 95% less cellar access, thanks NetNanny - you bitch.

Originally Posted by Undertoad

Yeah, this is why I don't work for other people. I wouldn't put up with this bullshit under any circumstances.
Similarly, you should be banned from using the telephone, or other means of communication.

This is a serious misunderstanding of how society operates in 2005. I would encourage you to leave your current employer, as they are not cluetrained, and will inevitably fail. But this will take long enough that you can still manage to get money out of them. I give them 10 years.

Markets are conversations.

The Internet treats censorship as a network failure, and routes around it.

Originally Posted by mrnoodle

It's no fair. You guys on the left get movie stars on your side, we get forum posters WITH ALL CAPS NAMES who quote Hitler in their sig file and claim descendancy from Caligula.
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"Your 'reality,' sir, is lies and balderdash, and I am happy to say I have no grasp of it whatsoever." -- Baron Munchausen

Originally Posted by Undertoad

"I don't know that I can support immediate withdrawl, but we need some leadership and clear ideas." The problem with that catchphrase is that it doesn't fit on a sign.

I have seen pictures of anti-protestors. I think it would be funny, some day, to go to a protest and be the one demanding the middle position.

"Staggered withdrawl from Iraq on the basis of Iraqi troop promotion NOW!"

"Careful public review of all no-bid contracts NOW!"

What do we want? An emphasis on reasonable metrics to govern spending on future programs!
When do we want it? After a careful study of how to practically apply such a thing!

Originally Posted by limey

Like a kitten?

Originally Posted by Hobbs

*coughLeavenwoth.prisoncough*

Originally Posted by dar512

You're right. It wasn't funny --

to those who didn't understand it.

Originally Posted by slang

Ahhhh, yes....that's much better. Read quite enough of that assbag.

Originally Posted by BigV

What are the minimum ingredients to make something funny? dar512 identifies an important one. :lol:
Ziiing!
From here.

Originally Posted by dar512

It wasn't intended to hurt, LJ. I'm not that kind of guy. Plus I think you're alright and I wouldn't want to hurt your feelings.

Besides, I think the HOF is for funny or memorable posts. Not necessarily the ones that draw the most blood.

Originally Posted by bigw00dy

Failure

go to google
type in failure
hit "im feeling lucky"
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I bring nothing to the table

Originally Posted by Happy Monkey

No, "theory" is the scientific term for "strongly supported by evidence". There is no word that suggests more certainty than "theory". (If you're curious, the scientific term "law" refers to a theory that can be expressed mathematically. The concept behind the mathematical expression is still "only" a theory.)
Right. The scientific one should be taught in science class, and the theological one(s) should be taught in religious institutions, or comparative religion classes, since there are so many of them.

Originally Posted by Kitsune

Music Industry - Everyone is a potential Criminal
To all of you that agued that DMCA wouldn't result in anything harmful coming out of the entertainment industry, well, it is now well known that newer Sony BMG audio CDs drop a little present on your Windows box. The importance of this? It is already being exploited, is being used by other spyware to further compromise your system, and is even disrupting World of Warcraft.

Besides, the moment you drop the money down on the counter for the CD, you're agreeing to some really bizarre legal agreement.

Shit, Sony, why you gotta be so nasty?

Originally Posted by Beestie

Note to Wolf: secure the laptop before going on smoke break.

Originally Posted by Elsopde

Of course, I *am* kidding. My point is that, if we're going to start suing each other, let's make sure everyone gets to play.

Fair is fair. If we're going to have government santioned Christianity, then we're gonna need to have some Evolution taught in churches. Otherwise, let's keep them separate. I'm not going to pretend that it isn't going to be painful from time to time to do so, but if we include one religion (yes, I know, Christianity is the only *right* one, but humor me) in our governmental processes, we're going to disenfranchise *all* the others, or at the very least, make them into second class religions in the eyes of the State.

Either all religions are equal and we are a Republic, or one religion is officially better, and we are a Theocracy.

I know which one I want to live in.

Originally Posted by wolf

Originally Posted by busterb

1st ya have to boil the shit out of them.

Originally Posted by glatt

I like UT's. It's cool.

Doesn't remind me of goatse at all. I don't know why the rest of you keep mentioning it.

Originally Posted by wolf

Today, I signed a commitment warrant for a woman who wrote that her son had "tryed to cute my throuathe."

I finally figured it out, and her son really was crazy, but the whole idea of her being barely able to express herself in written English was more frightening than her son's behavior.

Originally Posted by richlevy

Well, another explanation would be that the woman was 300 years old. In the 1700's there were almost no dictionaries and words legitimately had different spellings.

Originally Posted by wolf

I honestly don't think this lady was having a purfuit of happineff moment.

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But…….

Now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter ….with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!

And talk of about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to steal it from your brother or bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options!

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked!
Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!
And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! ... Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up .. we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire. imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980.
:lol:

Originally Posted by barefoot serpent

... or she'll just have her foot put down...


oops, I mean put her foot down.

Originally Posted by Happy Monkey

Don, Darren, and Dennis... Dead. Damn.

Originally Posted by Elspode

This is a Monday IOTD - and grainy days and Mondays always get me down.

Originally Posted by President Dwight D. Eisenhower

II

We now stand ten years past the midpoint of a century that has witnessed four major wars among great nations. Three of these involved our own country. Despite these holocausts America is today the strongest, the most influential and most productive nation in the world. Understandably proud of this pre-eminence, we yet realize that America's leadership and prestige depend, not merely upon our unmatched material progress, riches and military strength, but on how we use our power in the interests of world peace and human betterment.

...

V

Another factor in maintaining balance involves the element of time. As we peer into society's future, we-you and I, and our government-must avoid the impulse to live only for today, plundering, for our own ease and convenience, the precious resources of tomorrow. We cannot mortgage the material assets of our grandchildren without risking the loss also of their political and spiritual heritage. We want democracy to survive for all generations to come, not to become the insolvent phantom of tomorrow.

...

VI

Down the long lane of the history yet to be written America knows that this world of ours, ever growing smaller, must avoid becoming a community of dreadful fear and hate, and be, instead, a proud confederation of mutual trust and respect.

Such a confederation must be one of equals. The weakest must come to the conference table with the same confidence as do we, protected as we are by our moral, economic, and military strength. That table, though scarred by many past frustrations, cannot be abandoned for the certain agony of the battlefield.

Originally Posted by BigV

Griff brought to my attention this speech made by Dwight D Eisenhower, his Farewell Speech. I can only give credit to Griff, since I can't find Ike's member profile. But Ike's wise words deserve preservation. No, memorization. Read the thread for yourself. You'll agree.

Cherry picking follows...

Originally Posted by Griff

"TW is not a Marxist. You are not a Libertarian. Elvis is still dead. Life goes on."

Richlevy makes my eyes water.

Originally Posted by Beestie

I put myself on ignore once. Then the phone rang. It was Steven Wright. He told me to knock it off.

Originally Posted by Griff

Since government is really just an artifact of tribal society, promoting fear of the other is governments most important job.

Originally Posted by Carouselle

I see, thanks. I thought it was probably a very dumb question, but figured staying ignorant was even dumber.

Originally Posted by BigV

The real war is here at home. Where our Constitution is attacked and our civil liberties are the casualties. Where the co-equal branches of government are besieged and the citizens are prisoners, suspects, subjects of investigation. All under the color of authority. "Dissent is unpatriotic" you scream. Come a little closer, ok? FUCK YOU.

Hey, really, I'm not talking to you to persuade you. I have long since concluded that your mind, which may or may not be open, is so firmly sealed up your butt that nothing can get in. Fine. You're more useful as a negative example anyway.

Originally Posted by lumberjim

...
this quietude comes from within as much as without. as sight is half the seer and half the seen, so is contentment half the environment, and half the perceiver of the environ. wallow in joy as we've seen you wallow in misery, take this good, taste it, smell it, feel it. remember to remember it when it is needful.
...

Originally Posted by Jacquelita

Without my kids, I would never know what it means to completely put someone else's well being before mine - without reservation. My children have given me an amazing amount of joy just watching them grow into sentient beings who actually have their own voice, their own ideas and opinions.

Its inexplicable to those who don't have kids. This is why I become annoyed at childless people who think their pets are their children. For the most part, animals will love whoever is feeding them. Pets are great - and wonderful companions - but children are work. You put your entire self into them, and many times on a daily basis get headaches and heartaches in return. The truth is however, that the headaches and heartaches pale in comparison to the fulfillment - the shear joy that comes to you through your children.

Despite the day to day turmoil we face as parents, having children enables us to know something greater than ourselves, and as a result our lives are expanded in ways we cannot even begin to fathom. And it never stops. Give up my life? No way - I have a much richer and more fulfilled life because of my children.

Originally Posted by rkzenrage

It is more important to be polite to those closest to you, those easiest to take for granted, than anyone else.

Originally Posted by Urbane Guerrilla

If your thinking's actually good enough, you need not bolster it with abusive language. Nor need you indulge in hysterics.

Originally Posted by Beestie

Just for fun, do you know that "No ignorance at all." is a grammatically incorrect sentence fragment?

Just for fun, do you know that mushmouthed is not a word? Let me help you out here. In those instances when you have a thought so sophisticated and so subtle that none of the over 100,000 words in the dictionary are adequate enough to express it, you can take two words from the dictionary and hyphenate them to create a new word. Hence, the solecism in your post can be transformed into a grammatically correct word more befitting the complex and sophisticated mind that gave birth to it by putting a dash between mush and mouthed to create (drum roll, please).... mush-mouthed. Out of curiosity, did you mean to use that word at all? I hesitate to ask since I'm certain you wouldn't use an adjective (however solecistic) meant to describe speech to describe the written word.

Just for fun, do you know that it is also grammatically incorrect to use the adjective 'imbecilic' to modify the phrase 'to the point?' I think you meant to say "...imbecilic about the point...." but don't want to give you the benefit of the doubt since you rarely extend that courtesy to others.

Just for fun, do you know that it is grammatically incorrect to use a pronoun without an antecedent in the same sentence? I didn't think so because anyone who knew that wouldn't begin a sentence with a pronoun like you did in your second sentence (recall that the first meaningless phrase followed by a period does not have the required syntactical elements to elevate it to sentence status).

Just for fun, do you know that you have a grammatically incorrect comma splice in your second sentence?

Just for fun, do you realize that making a plethora of grammar errors in a three-sentence post not only make your high horse look more like a jackass but also make you look like a moron? You might know how to spell irony but it's pretty clear that the concept embedded in the word is sailing right over your oversized head.

I'll take Zippy's spelling over the worthless ideas your pitiful grammar stumbles over itself to convey any day.

Are we having fun yet?
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The future is getting smaller every day.

Originally Posted by Happy Monkey

Gah! I just accidentally discovered "CTRL-ALT-ARROW KEY" on Windows XP Professional!