I'm getting old
 

This is really just a bit of a rant I guess.

Since having Max a couple of months ago, I've started to be more aware of my own mortality. I've always known that I'm getting older, but having had Aden and Mav when I was much younger, it just never really occured to me like it does now. By the time Max is 21, I'll be 57. That's how old my Mum was when she died. Thoughts like, what if I get cancer and die young too, or what if I get hit by a truck tomorrow? I feel like I don't take my life for granted anymore like I did before. I'm not exactly afraid of dying. I'm worried about the people I'll leave behind when I do.

I don't know if these types of thoughts are normal. I guess they must be more or less, because the life insurance industry does pretty well from these types of morbid thoughts. It's just scary thinking about not being around anymore; particularly when I don't really have a strong faith at all and no clear idea about what will happen to me after I die (besides becoming worm food of course). It's funny that it's never really bothered me before, but I think it's got a lot to do with my birthday coming up and noticing more lines on my face and that my skin just doesn't seem young anymore. It's not a vanity thing. It's an old thing. It's not about my appearance, it's about what my appearance means if that makes any sense.

Has anyone else gone through this process? If so, did you end up not having these types of thoughts anymore, or are you obsessing about them like I am?

Please tell me it will pass.

Being a few years ahead of you I can say that you are not alone...
I worry about my children and if I have done enough for them, taught them all I could and basically prepared them to take on the world on their own. I worry about my pets and my family...
Its not so much about getting old and dying, its more thinking about things like Have I done all I can for those I love?
Have I contributed to society in some positive way?
What type of legacy will I leave, if any?
My faith gives me some comfort, but there is still doubt.

I rarely give it much thought. I am only reminded of it when younger people around me die. Old people are supose to die, eventually. I see a fair amount of death in my work, sometimes a few times a month. The one thing I remind my kids, my family, and my friends is that you rarely plan for it and it can come at any time by any means and often suddenly. Then it is over. And it can happen to any of us. I guess I am around it so much I just take it for granted that it is inevitable. I am not bothered by it.

I think those types of thoughts are very normal... I actually feel much relieved now that my kids are older, because I know that they'll be alright now no matter what happens to me.

It will pass, as other worries will come to take the place of it. Also as other joys and sadnesses .. and heck, just life comes along and you think of this less and less.

A dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep, and there comes a time when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist. ~Stewart Alsop

Old persons are sometimes as unwilling to die as tired-out children are to say good night and go to bed. ~Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu

On a large enough time line, the survival rate for everyone will drop to zero.

I routinely obsess about what will happen to my kids if I die unexpectedly. I think it's a normal maternal instinct. I think it lessens as the kids get older and you begin to feel more secure that they will be able to fend for themselves in the world.

Stuff I used to do is harder now. And it always takes me by surprise.

Like, I had to move some furniture recently. I'm small, so I'm not going to pretend it was ever *easy* to move, say, a 5' tall chest of drawers across the room. But now it's a major ordeal.

I am currently painting my mom's condo so we can sell it. I did the bathrooms yesterday and it darn near killed me (slight exaggeration, OK). I'm only able to function today thanks to a huge dose of Tylenol. Come on, painting a room? That's easy! :(

I guess this is more a function of being out of shape than getting old, but it seems like the two just go together.

I still look in the mirror and for a split-second wonder who the hell that is.

Mortality does bother me, of course; but people die at any age, unexpectedly. a 20 year old can get cancer, a 35 year old can have a heart attack. My dad lived to 64, my mom was 74, and my grandma that always seemed to be in such poor health was 93. It seems kind of arbitrary.