I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore!!!
 

I've had it. I am done, done, done with this crazy ass "relationship" with this married man. I know, I know. What did I expect? What did I think was going to happen? But you know what? I loved him. I really, truly, honestly loved him but I can't take this nuttiness any longer. Since I'm putting my enitre life in a blender and pushing "frappe", I might as well throw him out with the rest. He's been a good friend, and a more than willing sex partner but the fact of the matter is this: HE'S MARRIED AND HAS BEEN FOR THIRTY YEARS! I don't think he's leaving her. He even said as much. A professor, a man very concerned with apperances, he's not leaving his blue-blooded wife for a mess like me and I can finally be OK with that. It doesn't mean I am unloveable. It doesn't mean I'll never have another relationship. It doesn't mean I lose (again.) But, oh, I'm afraid that it really does mean those things. It's just that he was the kindest man I had ever met and I had never experienced that sort of unconditional love and regard from anyone, let alone a man. I thought he was brilliant. He IS brilliant. He is accepting and good and has always thought of me...but I can't anymore. It's like so much in my life. It's not real.

He let me fall in love with him--he encouraged it--and THEN told me he was married! I think his ego likes me. He can't really love me, can he? What IS this? If I survive any of this shit it'll be a miracle.

I hate this.

I am NOT ok with it.

if he has an ongoing relationship with you and has willingly helped it grow, then he probably does love you...but he doesn't respect you in the least.

i thought you ditched him some time ago. oh well, better late than never. he is not providing you with unconditional love - unless of course he'd be willing to have you for dinner with the wife. what he is giving is a piece of his body, a lot of attention that his frigid wife probably doesn't miss, the hope that there might be more in the future, and the fear that if you walk away you will actually be missing something better. what tangible benefit is he providing? sex. an occassional shoulder to cry on.

move on. you can do better. after you get yourself straightened out and start developing your self respect...

In some societies it would be perfectly acceptable for you to be the "other" woman. You would officially be the mistress or second wife would have status, security and still be able to be in love (both of you). Maybe it's not him. It's where you are.

Crass but better to have love and lost......

If it helps I always fall in love with the wrong woman. Done it too many times, hurt myself.. But I'm not as good learner so I contiue to fall....

It's going to be a bumpy road ahead and don't do the rebound thing.

I'm sorry. Now's a good time to take extra special care of yourself. It's all about YOU. Don't do anything unless it makes you happy. Make happiness a priority in your life. And you WILL survive!

Relax. Pamper yourself. Have a bubble bath. Get one of those Chicken Soup for the Soul books and tear it to shreds. If you have a barbecue grill, throw the shreds in and burn it. (Safety first!!)

Fasinating the difference in the sexes. Bubble bath?
Most of my close friends (male) would go to the bar or seek out some close friends get completely sh1t faced and have a good cry.
I've seen a few grown men reduced to wimpering wet rags.

given the person and their current situation... something less chemical based is a good start. mellowness. a time for reflection. a few dozen hours in the cellar. all will be well.

I thought you were DETOXING , dude seemes pretty toxic to me ,,, ditch him and MOVE ON , MOVE UP , Get past this tough time in your life ,,,



If he is as smart as you say , and cared for you as much as you seem to think he dose , don't you think he wouls have steered you in a different path ????


Just my thoughts .

:highfive: to zippyt for that thoroughly insightful post.

At first I thought "What a shitty time for this to be happening too!", but then I realized that the timing is probably why this is happening now. You are thinking more clearly and now you are doing what will be best for you in the long run. You know it's the best thing, but I know it's also the toughest thing, at the toughest time. Good luck, hang in there, and keep us posted on how you're doing....

You've really hit upon something important here. (1) Mid-life Crisis men often want to prove they "still have it", (2) he may have unintentionally fallen in love with you in the process.

Don't beat yourself up over it. But, DO move on. He may posture indifference or he may beg you to come back. Whatever happens, move on.

When you are ready, I'm sure there are other men out there that will appreciate your qualities.

Ooops. Sorry. OK big hug and an afternoon at an exotic spa

Now you're talkin. Pampering. She can enjoy a whirlpool. She can get a pedicure with colorful toenail polish, and perhaps get her eyelashes tinted. What fun!

I don't exactly feel qualified to reply to this thread - relationship conniseur that I clearly am not - but when has that ever stopped me?

Brianna I have noticed an increasing clarity in your posts recently, and it seems quite clear that you are undergoing a slight recourse, or change of direction. Before I thought you were just a bit silly, but you have revealed several hidden layers that are actually quite brilliant - self-awareness, honesty and realism.

From one who has got herself into an equally unproductive circular mess, I cannot say 'you should have thought of that'. It's amazing the things we let ourselves believe, particularly with regard to love.

So it appears the much dreaded CHANGE has arrived. It's actually quite fun - you realise you are still the self you once liked so many years ago, when you promised yourself 'I will never let a man get in my way!'

It doesn't matter that you've made a mistake, because you can learn from it. Use the experience for something productive. Some people write plays. Others put all their energy into not doing the same thing next time.

You mention he is unconcerned with appearance, and accepts you for who you are. I think you are the one who has difficulty accepting you for who you are. So when a man comes along who loves you 'unconditionally', you are amazed, and link this unconditional acceptance to that particular person, thinking 'no one else will ever love me like that'.

That's not true.

So, if you enjoy his company for what it is, carry on as you are. If you will always, truthfully want more, you know what you need to do.

Obviously not. I don't doubt you were infatuated. It's possible you lusted for him. But if you loved him you would not have tried seducing him out of his marriage vows. When you love people you want- and pursue what's best for them even at the expense of your desires or safety. If as you claim you were unaware he was married, you didn't see a ring, and the tanless line around his finger went unnotice how long? Then it could have been love. If it was, and you discovered he was married the loving thing to do would have been immediately terminating your relationship. Did you do that?

I hope you find actual love.

This is soooo easily turned around.

Reminds me of the Doctor in "Grey's Anatomy" having the unprofessional affair with an intern that reports to him. He says to her "If I were a better man, I'd back off and let you go."

You have to take into account that this guy is a professor. It's possible that he is more intelligent and is using manipulation, so don't blame yourself.

Brianna, Stacey's got a good point about the professor. I was a faculty member at a high powered department for ten years. Academic politics are extremely vicious given the peer review basis of advancement. Grandstanding, back stabbing, and manipulation are natural to these guys.

Then, this guy has enough insecurities to have Mid Life Crisis. Come on, tell me the guy drives a Toyota MR-2, that would make it picture perfect.

Also, watch out for feeling like your life is a mess. It may feel that way compared to the professor who seemingly has it all together. But, something isn't quite right if he's violating his marriage vows.

I like the fact that you are taking charge of your life now. You go girl !

Wow--I never expected so many responses. And thanks. Just to clarify a little: HE really seduced ME. And no, no wedding ring or tell-tale "little ring-shaped tan line." But that is rationalizing--when I found out he WAS married I should have broken it off right then and there, but I didn't. And staceyv, I have thought exactly that--this guy is brilliant and I am in awe of him--he could get me to do anything he wished and I do sort of feel like a lot of this was orchestrated by him. He KNOWS I am in awe of him-I've never met anyone like him. He does painfully care about appearances--his wife is the typical beautiful and neurotic professor's wife, his two kids won scholarships to Wellesley and the eldest just graduated Harvard. He lives in the snobbiest suburb there is and wears herringbone jackets to teach. I know this sounds so cliche but it's all true! He went to Berkeley and Oxford and has had two Fellowships--was a Fulbright, etc. etc. He's living a dream-life.

Oh, and he drives a Honda Accord! He's a bit past true "middle age"--he's nearly 62 and I am 41. I feel desperate when I think about not talking with him, etc...really desperate.

Wow, when you do spring cleaning, you go to town :) Ditto to everything encouraging and thoughtful already posted that was said better than I could. Starting over with a totally clean slate may seem a little intimidating, but we're all here to help in any way we can. I wish you the best of luck and trust that in the end everything will have worked itself out for the better.

You'll make it, Bri. I think you're posting here (about all of these life-changes) because you know you will too. :)

You still headed for that IOP sometime soon? That would seem to be an easy way to keep yourself busy so you can avoid this jerk for awhile. ;)

Don't worry about the professor. He's already boffing two or more of his students.

Bri, I don't have anything new to add to the excellent posts made by others, but I am glad to see you examining your life and making some very wise decisions like this. Good job.

i think you've got some excellent responses that are much more appropriate and helpful than what i wrote, or could hope to write - so ignore my posts, cull from the others what you can.

and ignore BLB's - he is obviously in judgemental fuckstick mode.

Our Puritanical, patriarchal, monogamous society makes things like this rather unpleasant. While it may be as cut and dried as manipulation, asserting the late-in-life manhood reinforcement, or simply tapping a chick 20 years your junior, it is far more likely that it is much more complex than this.

The simple fact of the matter is that it *is* possible to love more than one person, complete with the physical intimacy that goes along with deep relationships. However, we are societally conditioned against the concept of polyamory, and so we have to ascribe sinister motivation or something more shallow than love as the reason for the relationship.

It boils down to what one values. Professor Guy values his current status quo vis a vis the job, the wife, the prestige and the opinion of his peers. In a perfect world, those things wouldn't be at risk.

However, allowing that the Prof is "brilliant", then he was fully aware of all of these things as being the prevailing societal and real-world winds when he first unzipped Bri's knickers, and so it is reasonably safe to assume that she was always going to be the other woman. Since he *is* brilliant, then it necessarily follows that he wasn't honest if he didn't let Bri know that there would never be more than boffing and incidental socialization. If she *did* know that, then she has no complaint coming. But, if Rocket Boy led her along, misrepresenting his intentions to keep the nookie supply going, Bri has been wronged.

Whatever the case, Bri has the right to grieve the loss of a relationship that gave her something she wanted or needed. But I have to agree with the general opinion, here...I think breaking it off is just a sign of Bri's mental faculties coming back online, and seeing that her emotions weren't doing a very good job of driving the bus.

Here's to the fine job of avoiding another terrible bus crash, Bri.

I thought he was going to marry me. He swept me off my feet and THEN the "Weeeeell, you know, I am married..." line came up. No, I DIDN'T know you were married, but by that time I was sooooooo completely gone on him I couldn't stop myself. To be brutally honest-when I look at this relationship I see me stroking a very large ego and him helping me with school in return. He is very, very kind but he is also very, very into his "world" of adoring undergrads (yes, wolf, he probably IS boffing one or two students), Fulbright dinners, vaca's to Europe and his gang of fab/brilliant friends. Do I sound jealous? He always lets me know when one or more of his students has a crush on him (this past year one even had a valentine all set up in his office for him--card, balloon, etc. :vomit: He's always going somewhere really cool or interesting, supporting the arts community and rubbing elbows with some people I would like to know.

Do I sound bitter? :) I am. A little. But he does help me. He is helping me go back to the local University, going over my transcripts, giving me pointers on stuff...is this a fair trade? I'm asking because I honestly don't know.

I know this all may sound really obvious and stupid, but this is really where I am right now. On Monday, who knows? I go before the judge and I may be in bright orange for a while.

Thank you, all, for listening and offering some very good advice--I bought my copy of Chicken Soup to rip and burn just this morning! ;) That'll feel good!

I'm so disjointed and this post is all over the place but it'll get better. I promise.

Bri, you are a strong, strong woman. Kudos for being so raw and honest with yourself! You know what you need to do with this man, though. I know you do. It is going to be hard. It may take several tries. It might not. It will be a bitter fight with your own will.

The first goal you should set for yourself is to cut it off completely. think of him as "bad for you". The relationship is like cancer. Think of it as ridding yourself of something that is hurting you. You will feel the loss, the pain of not seeing his face or feeling his presence. You will be sad or even regretful at times. But the longer you have contact with him and even the smallest evidence of hope, the longer you prolong your grief and the realization that this man is not the one you should be with. Don't kid yourself and try to think you are sticking with him because you "need" him or that he "needs" you. Don't think the friendship within it, however benign it may have seemed, is a good reason to keep contact with him. There are others out there who would be your friends without the control and manipulation that he seems to extert (whether knowingly or not). It may feel like you will never experience love like with him again, but that isn't true. All of the negative feelings you tell yourself are like chains keeping you from enjoying your life, so try like hell to break loose of them and reinforce yourself with some pampering of yourself....tell yourself you love YOU and how brilliant YOU are and how much YOU deserve to be loved (not used or taken advantage of). You may not believe it is true, but if you bombard yourself with those positive thoughts for long enough, you may eventually believe them, just as you believe the constant barrage of negative stuff you have implied to yourself for so long. Know that you are tough and beautiful and intelligent. You don't need acknowledgement from others to know that. That is part of who you are, and nobody can compromise that. Don't allow this man to hurt you. Grieve his loss and the loss of an ideal that was not worth your pain. You can grieve the loss of the part of you that allowed the situation to be what it was. The grief won't last forever. When you start healing, every day will feel heavy and scary, but don't give in to your fear. Keep pushing through life as if it were the most important thing in the world for you to do (it is!) Eventually each day gets a little easier. The urges to be with him or think of him or read letters he wrote, etc will lessen gradually. Eventually you will have few of those moments wrapped by other, stronger moments where your clarity is your refuge. Hold to the stronger moments, like the one that inspired you to post this thread. One day, you will realize how strong you have become and how much happier you feel. Maybe you will have met someone who makes you happy and loves you for YOU by then. Maybe not, but at least you have YOU who loves you.

I know I am not "qualified" in anyway to give you advice about all this. All I have are my own experiences. I wish you the best of luck, Bri and as always, we are all here to help if you need us.

I'm out of here for the weekend. Good luck on Monday, Brianna. I'll be thinking about you. Be strong.

Bri, Good Luck on Monday. I'll be thinking of you.

Should the worst happen, what flavor cake would you like your file baked in?

Hey Bri, just wanted to jump on the bandwagon. We're the same age and I think its a time of reflection for those of us willing to do it. Its the right time to remove the stuff (or people) from our lives that are hurting us. You've got enough life experience to see stuff clearly and you're young enough to still make major changes. Its probably a good time for list making. What do you really want out of life? What do you value? What is good right now? That sort of thing. Many blessings, you're already moving in the right direction. g

Again, thank you all. What wonderful people you all are. (sorry--getting maudlin)

Oh, for the file cake---how about chocolate chip cake with chocolate chip frosting?

:yum:

Brianna--

I spent 20 days in Jail last year. See the pic of me getting locked up, below. ;) Yes, Jail really sucks. And while you're in there, it feels like forever. But, I survived. Now, looking back, it doesn't seem like that long after all.

I really hope you don't get locked up. But, if you do, it won't be the end of the world.

The worst part of it was the Corrections Officers harrassing us all the time. They would push our buttons just to try and piss us off. And if you talked back the wrong way, they would "roll you up" - put you in solitary confinement. I was a good girl and just took their abuse. It's all part of the punishment.

If you go, NEVER ask someone "What did you do?" - Ask "What are you in here for?"

The other weird thing, that you won't get, is that some people tell me that I remind them of Martha Stewart in that I'm the only millionaire ex-prisoner that they know. Argh!!!

The main thing is that Jail is over. If I hurt someone (or myself, Wolf) because of my DUI, that would be with me the rest of my life.

Be well.

Gwen, you look a little like Bette Midler in that pic. Music vid or what?

No Doubt: It's My Life
Shoot Day: 10/10/11/03

Winner (2004)
VMA Best Pop Video
VMA Best Group Video
'MVPA's Best Rock Video of the Year'
'MVPA's Director of the Year'

Partial video here: https://artsy.net/artist/david-lachapelle

The storyline is that I kill off three husbands, have a trial, and get sent to the gas chamber. Quite fun.

I always liked that song, it never occured to me that invloved a triple homicide. I remember the 80's version. talktalk I think it was.

NO JAIL! Unless I screw up. Treatment in lieu of conviction. Havta be on best behavior. Could last 5 years....ugh. WAaaaaaaay better than jail time, though. Thanks for the tip, though, Gwennie. Never know when I'll need to use them!!

stupid library computer has sticking keys....but I'm FREE!!!!! :) :) :) :) :)

Good.

Came in late on this one. I can't express strongly enough how quickly and completely you need to terminate this relationship. I was the "other man" for 2 years, fell in love, we were going to be together forever, blah blah blah. All the soulmate garbage. Not only was she married (and pretending to me that she was separated but living in the same house because of some immigration thing -- she's German), she was saying all the love stuff to me and simultaneously boffing yet another guy, who she eventually ended up with. Before dumping him and going back to her husband.

Some people just obliterate everyone in their path. Avoid them and you will be happier. It took me 5 years (so far) to recover from the emotional consequences of my choice to fall for that girl.

Congratulations, Bri! Now, start fresh and take care of you.

Yours is a big project and I wish you well. Youve been around long enough now to get some perspective and clarity. Time to cut through the crap and peg what really, really matters and cement the change.

Professor, no matter how kind, brilliant and sincere, doesnt love you unconditionally, there are conditions all over it. Dont measure yourself against that. Get on your own. Solid. You're worth the effort. Things are looking up and I'm rooting for you, too.

Storylines for Videos are often independent of the song details. Director David LaChapelle's idea was that I would kill off the guys in my band, feeding the usual band breakup speculation. talktalk didn't have that in mind when they wrote it.

:rattat: :band:

Ra!

And, you're welcome, but you won't need jail advice, if you stay on the path before you. Don't fret over the 5 years; any treatment starts intense and tapers off in commitment time to allow for regular balanced life.

Progress, Not Perfection.

hahhaha

Glad to hear it Bri. Probation only sucks when you don't comply with the terms.

I know a lot of decent probation officers. Hope you get one. (Decent means hardassed but fair.)

damn mrnoodle.. are you sure we're not related? anyway Brianna.. good luck with everything, jail sucks.. but then again in retrospect I would have rather done the 6 months with work release that the 2 years probation.. either way they some how treat you as sub-human for breaking the law.. even when it was a law you didn't know was a problem (not my case.. but.. I know a guy who knows a guy :) )..

and ditch the fucker! regardless of what you may pr may not think of yourself, you deserve better than that (speaking from the other guy perspective.. been there, done that decided to go the high road.. for the most part)

I am in COMPLETE AGONY over not talking with this man--he called me on sunday but I wasn't home...he's supposed to call me today. I'm DYING for him to call me. I am a complete ass. Why is this soooo hard? Why do I love him sooooo much? He's too old for me, really (it's strange, but he doesn't seem old, but when we are together it really is noticable) and he is MARRIED. How obvious am I? I HATE THIS AND I DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO GET OVER IT. :(

mrnoodle--HOW did you finally get over the German chick? Were you freaking out about it, etc, etc??????

There are a LOT of things I hate about my life right now.

Great.

Just so long as you hate them enough to want to change them.

Do you love those aspects enough to let them go?

Hate is a strong attachment. You are going to eventually have to stop hating these things/people. Accept the role they played in your life. Acknowlege that there was good and bad in them. Let them go. Move on.

How very eloquent.

I think the japanese term for this state of mind is Kaizen.

Oh man. There aren't words for the amount of screwed up I felt. Combine the betrayal and the sudden end of something that you have built your entire existence around, and you just kind of flake out for awhile. Spent the first evening crying like a girl in my dark bedroom. Woke up at 2 a.m. and drove up and down the interstate until 6 a.m. Semi-stalked her by driving to the factory across the street from hers and staring at her car in the parking lot for an hour (I think I thought I was going to see her actually performing oral sex on random men in the back seat). Went home and did normal Christmas things for a day or two. The evening of the company Christmas party, drove up to the mountains to kill myself. Thought about my family awhile, unloaded the gun and went home.

Week 2: deadened, less intense version of week one. Lots of sitting in front of the computer monitor watching solitaire but not actually playing it. Lots of praying for my death, her death, my salvation, her salvation, etc. etc. ad nauseum.

Finally rejoined the real world soon after, but carried a chip on my shoulder towards women that lasted for a few years. Deliberately made girls think I liked them so that I could fuck em and never call again. Thought that my hatred would somehow transfer by osmosis across the feminine gender into what's-her-name's head and she would implode from the sheer force of it. Figured I would show the entire female race that they weren't ever going to mess with *me* again. LOL contracted genital warts.

At some point I made the conscious decision to stop acting like a hateful, self-loathing asshat. When I did, things got better. I realized that the whole damn world didn't revolve around me and all the slights I felt I had received from the universe. Wrote a letter of apology to the woman's husband for my role in the destruction of his world, then threw it out so as not to make my therapy his problem.

I can't tell you how important it is to beat back the wholly retarded notion that you *need* to talk to him. Or that you will *die* from the loneliness. Or that the two of you have some kind of fucking "connection" that supercedes all other facets of your life. It's a lie. The pain is real, but stoking the fire by constantly rolling around in your misery like a dog on a dead skunk will only extend its duration. The constantly recurring spasms of "OMG but I looooooove him" (and the accompanying shame and self-hatred) will become less frequent and less severe if you do not submit to them.

Never ever ever ever ever under any circumstances answer a phone call from this man. He will not answer any of the questions that plague you, and you will not get the peace you think you will. Never open any correspondence from him. The envelope doesn't contain your answer, just a continuation of your misery. Weather the storm, be strong, and absolutely banish the man and his influence from your inner being. There will be breaches in the wall from time to time, but you have the power to shore them up and make them twice as strong in an instant just by willing it.

Don't do anything to hurt yourself. I'm not talking about suicide, but about unhealthy life choices. Stay sober, stay vigilant, and you will come out of this hell better off.

Go to church. Try it with an open mind. If you decide not to, let it be your decision, and not that of the people who will ridicule you for it.

Bri, the hardest thing to get over is a heart that's been given to another then crushed. to this day i still remember the day that my (ex)wife told me she was leaving with my newly adopted son. talk about agony. i lived it for at least 2 years before i could even try to convey a new relationship, well a serious one at that, as well as a MOUND full of other life experiences that were thrown my way. in short(sort of): May of 2002: fail test for flight instructor b/c of nerves, dad diagnoses himself with an abdominal anuerism, gets a double bypass first, i get arrested for dwi; reduced to reckless driving(later), then the anuerism is taken care of on dad, wife leaves one month after son's adoption is finalized, face forclosure on my house, almost loose my job b/c of pressures in my private life. 09/03 divorce finalized. still trippin' on my ex wife not being there with my son. jan/04 son gets REALLY sick; had to hospitalize for a time. in that time i became close to my ex and wanted to try and get back together. mind you this was 2 years after separation/divorce. i could go on but my point is, it could be worse. and as far as the ex goes, as hard as it was, i have finally let go and have moved on to dating someone who is just as pretty on the outside as she is on the inside. and guess what. i wasn't looking for her when she came along. keep your chin up and be strong!

you can live through anything. just put your mind to it.

Bri
The way I dealt with a broken heart was to say to myself "this is the most painful thing that had ever happened to me, but I WILL get over it" over, and over, and over and over, and over again ...
Wishing you the strength which I know you have.

Please remove head from ass.
Is that how the cello feels about Yo Yo Ma? Oh yeah, usually with an errection. Hmm...maybe not....sometimes as an adoring fan that feeds his ego. Rinse and repeat. Of course he loves you, he loves all his adoring fans. Geeves, pass out some 8x10s. For some that might be a dream life. Comparing conquests with "the boys" at "the club"? Sure you do...of course he's helping you off in another direction. The last thing he wants is a psycho-bitch boiling his bunny.

All together now...Bruce is a rotten bastard, he's saying what I was thinking.

I'd bet money Bri was thinking it too...way in the back...barely hear it if she sang his praises loud enough.

OK Baby, it's all uphill from here....but at least you're not going lower. And there's not one son-of-a-bitch reading this that hasn't done something just as stupid. Some more than once. :o
You know, I think maybe this cad (that's society talk for motherfucker), may well be the cause or at least the catyst for many/most of your other problems. How can you form a decent relationship with anyone while you're at dickheads beck 'n call? How big a sigh of relief did he breath on Sunday when you weren't home? If he called at all.

Me, being the rotten bastard (see above) would write him a letter.... on an attorneys letterhead......rock his world..heh heh heh. Have to be careful about wording though, nothing that could be construed as blackmail.
You'll live...it'll hurt for a long time....but we love ya. :grouphug:

I was certain that there was a smilie of a guy with his head up his ass--but no.

Well, of course you are right, bruce. Now I'm getting the feeling he wants us to be "friends". We've been emailing and seems very stiff and weirdly polite-at least to ME it seems that way, but I've a real genius for projecting my feelings on to others. If I think I'm overdrawn at the bank and call the bankline to get my balance I imagine the pre-recorded voice on the phone sounds angry at me!! Um...can I get a lobotomy somewhere? And soon?
I have to keep telling myself that my emotions won't kill me. I have heard of people dying from broken hearts, though.

no, I promise you won't die of that.. it's a long story that I don't feel like typing right now, suffice to say I moved across the country for my 'love' only to be dumped upon arrival.. (by love I mean betrothed) well... I stil carry the scars (and the tattoo :) ) but here's the thing, from everything in my life that has been f*cked up, things do get better, you just need to weather the storm, It'll ride itself out... and yeah, as the others said DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE ANSWER THAT PHONE CALL ( I hope the all caps made it clear :) ) you'll be fine, just keep swimming.

Wow, reading these broken heart stories has me thinking back 24 years to the time of the break-up with my last ex-girlfriend. My last girlfriend has been my wife for 23 years. :)

My ex-girlfriend was a smart tough feminazi. I grew up a lot that year, but most of it was painful. It ended when she came home and said she spent the afternoon "sleeping" with another guy. So, I packed my stuff and moved back to my place.

The first couple of weeks after that I was in agony and I was worthless; couldn't work much. Still had pain for months, but it faded over time. Until I met my future wife and all was well again.

Brianna, your time and mileage may vary, but things will get better for you too. There are better guys out there than the lying professor. It's his job to help you with university things. It's immoral to take advantage of someone in a vulnerable position.

My ex-girlfriend was from Philadelphia and was a big Flyers fan. Sorry folks, but to this day, I root against Philadelphia teams; living in Pittsburgh just added to that.

Brianna, Don't beat yourself up about this stuff. Something I heard at AA meetings:

When you stop drinking and using, you feel better.
You feel pain better.
You feel joy better.
You feel resentment better.
You feel life better because you are not numbing it anymore.

If you are going to do IOP, then you'll be working the 12 Steps. It's worth dragging youself thru the first three steps to get to Step 4. This is where you can list your resentments and begin to deal with them. Beyond that, well, One Day at a Time.

If you are not religious, try to find a AA sponsor that's willing to let you define your higher power AS YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR HIGHER POWER. For an agnostic such as me, I used the fellowship or as some put it GOD is the Group Of Drunks. I led a weekly AA meeting called Freethinkers, a format used in several locations around here. It attracted folks that didn't subscribe to the classical christian God; we didn't believe God was an old man standing on a cloud. We eliminated the Lord's Prayer at the meeting's end. The meeting attendence tripled after the change to Freethinkers was made.

You may not have a lot of flexibilty with the IOP structure. But, the recovery thing is easier if you can ignore the differences and focus on the similarities.

Okay. That's a bit freaky. Are you now trying to prove that you are actually two different people, or what?

The advice is good. But same post time on two reasonably long posts?

I'll say it for you, babe:

"BASTARD! You useless, lying, using, slimy SONOFABITCH! I hate you and I hope you die a slow, painful harrowing death alone, unmissed, and unmourned!

Later, dood..."

Yeah, it sucks. I hope things start going better for you, sweetie. I know how bad it can hurt, and sometimes it seems it will never stop--you either wish you could hate them or forget you ever knew them. I don't know what to say that will make it better, but my thoughts are with you...

Sidhe