Are you a "Fridge" Dwellar?
 

Maybe that explains your fat ass?

It does, it does.
Although you'd think the shivering would take off a few pounds...?

I'd like to live in the fridge these days. It's bloody hot here.

I don't fit though. I did try...but it didn't work. :(

You would definately be cool if you are a frig dweller. Or you could be a freezer dweller, wait is it snowing up North still?

Do bears shit in the woods?

Snow bears do. I don't know about the Chicago Bears. I think they have locker rooms.