Funny/Embarrassing things they say
 

My four year old cousin came to my grandads funeral recently. We'd just finished singing a hymn and in the quiet pause he shouts out 'Mummy I dont like that one can we sing twinkle twinkle'

She was so embarressed but it was really nice because on a day which was sad his little comment made us all smile!

We went to a concert a couple weeks back. A friend of the family was playing. After we were home my 6yo son told me that this friend, who had a baby about 6 months back, looked different from the last time he saw her. Feeling somewhat nervous about where this was going, I calmly asked, "Oh yeah? Why do you say that?"

"Well her hair looks different, like she got it cut or something."

"Oh, well, people change their hairstyles sometimes. Especially women. It's no big deal."

"And besides that her boobies look a lot fatter."

You're raising your boy well.

Thank you, that certainly seems to be the consensus.

Haha.. great pic Steve! :)

My recently turned five-year old and I were walking into a store. Just outside the door was an employee who was enjoying a smoke on his break.

As a side note, my son asks questions by placing a question mark at the end of a statement.

So, just about the time we passed by the man, my son loudly asks:

"Daddy, people who smoke are stupid?"

Good thing I didn't take him to a biker bar at three am. :)

Ouch.

My 6-year-old stepdaughter has gotten into Pokemon quite a bit, and takes every opportunity to share all her knowledge with anyone who will listen. She was detailing the battle system to her great aunt at a family gathering...

"See, here's an attack called a headbutt. That's where you smash poop in their face."

The hubby took the boy-child to the supermarket one day when the boyee was about four years old. . . he was in a shooting phase, he would run around with his fingers loaded and cocked, ready for any likely target. So, on the way to the store there's a constant stream of gunfire going on from the back seat, to which the hubby asks, "What are you shooting at?" and the boy announces, "The red cars, I'm gonna get all the red ones!" So after another few minutes, it starts wearing thin on the hubby's nerves, "Why don't you pick another kind of target?"

Ahh, peace at last!

Just a couple more shots fired, and they're at the supermarket. Once they get out of the car, the boy's off again: "bangbangbang!", just as a dark-skinned guy walks out from between two black cars, "I'm shooting the BLACK ones now, Dad!"

:sweat:

It's soooo easy to underestimate their creative ability to take your perfectly good parenteing plan and mess. it. up. :smack:

funny tho...

I got two-

1)- kinda funny & embarrassing-->My wife has a friend who's husband absolutely can't stop uttering "Fuckin damn" when he gets really riled up. The two kids seemed to let it go right over their heads (3-1/2 and 5 yrs old) until one day last summer she had them at the park, with them surrounded by other kids and her surrounded by mothers, the youngest falls or something and right in front of everyone he goes "FUCKin Damn". She was so humiliated she left. I guess the looks she got from the other mothers were pretty heinous.

2--> Definitely embarrassing--> About 25 years ago, when my buddy and I were about 10, his cousin comes to visit him in Halifax from a very small town in a neighbouring province, where there just didn't happen to be ANYBODY with any color skin except white. They are walking down a very busy street in Halifax, and a black guy is strolling down the other side of the street (only 2 lanes, so maybe 25 feet away). The little cousin was only 8 and didn't realize how evil this next sentence was, so in complete innocence, in front of everyone, he turns to my buddy and says "look, Ted, there goes a Ni**er!" I guess the black guy was literally speechless, and lucky for my friend, he was able to hustle his little cousin away before things got really ugly. Needless to say he wasn't too happy with his uncle and aunt...

On a lighter note- when my daughter was about 1-1/2, we were walking through the local Sears. I am carrying her because we are both looking for Mommy over the tops of the clothing racks, and just as this (gorgeous, BTW) 45-year-old woman walks by, my daughter rips one. And a LOUD one. So guess who looked like the 33-year-old pig standing there farting in Sears? Yah, ME.

This morning my 2 yr old daughter was intently watching my husband shave using white shaving cream. She said he was shaving the snow off of his face. I said in my best mommy tone, "yes, it looks like snow, but he's actually using --sha-ving--cream-- "(emphasizing the new vocabulary words like all the books say...) She looked me straight in the eye and said in her best matter of fact, you don't know WHAT your talking about mom voice, head cocked and bobbing, "No, he's shaving SNOW off". You had to hear it to appreciate it, but what really made me laugh, inside anyway, was how soon I am going to be getting the 'you don't know what you're talking about' tone from her on a regular basis. *sigh*.

I have a 3 year old son, a 3 year old step-son and a 6 year old step-daughter. Both of the boys have been going through the talk-about-pee-and-poop-nonstop phase and they are both fascinated with their own winkies.

We went on a road trip recently where we made several potty stops at small town gas stations. One of such stops was particularly funny: We all go into the gas station and my bf takes the boys to the potty, while my step-daughter goes to the girls' room. my step son and son are the first ones out and they have to go *everywhere* together when they are around each other. They are walking around the store chanting about how they went poop and pee and my step son suddenly chants "I eat weenie!" (I think this happened because they heard the oscar mayer weiner song somewhere along the way.) Then my bf is paying for gas and various child pacifying candies and my step-son suddenly decides to whip his winkie right out of his pants in front of everyone in the store. The only thing I could think to say was "Put that back!"

On the way back home yesterday, out in the middle of nowhere, suddenly my son had to go potty. And when he finally tells me he has to go, it's the last minute. There wasn't anyway he was going to hold it till the next town. So, he had to water the ditch. He hadn't done this before. He asked my bf if he could show me how to do it, so I could help him with it. I told him, "sweety, I don't have a winkie." He said "Yes you do, Mom. You have a winkie, too." I kept trying to explain how boys have winkies and girls don't, but he was insistent that girls have winkies too. It just struck me as funny.

My son is really into astronomy right now...he loves going out and looking at the stars and looking at pictures of planets in books. He told me he wanted to go to Saturn (pronounced Sa-tur-in in his words.) I told him he could do that someday, that he could be an astronaught. He asked me when and I said when you become an adult and get big like your daddy. I also mentioned how he might someday get married and have kids, too, if he wants to. He asked me "Can I marry my girlfriend?" I told him "yes, someday you might marry your girlfriend." I remembered his dad had told me that he had told him that someone from teen-titans was his girlfriend, so I asked him "Isn't Starscream your girlfriend?" Then he said in an annoyed tone "Mom! Starscream is a *transformer*! He's not a marrier."
Apparently I got the name wrong.

We had a few of those transformers here too... none of them was a marrier either

A little older, a little more confused

Is this a telling tale on you ?????

My daughter likes to 'help' me get dressed in the morning, and is especially facinated with my bra. She knows that 'bests' go in there, and that she has NIP-ples, but not 'bests' yet. I told her when she was older, she will have breasts and get to wear a bra. Every once in awhile, if I am wearing a V-neck shirt, she'll whip it open and check to make sure everybody is where they belong :D She then will tell me she'll get to wear a bra later, when she's bigger. So far this hasn't happened in public, but I know I am asking for a major embarassment. Or, worse, a choice comment about a woman with very large breasts in a too small shirt sometime when were out and about (mine are little guys).

My neice is a little mimic- you can't say anything without it coming back to haunt you later- but sometimes she gets the words a little mixed up...
Ok, so when we want to shut her up (she's a drama queen and will go on and on if you let her) we say "Rachel, you're so rediculous." She seems to find this amusing, and it usually works. We were all at my brother-in-law's birthday party a couple weeks ago, and he's teasing her to no end, and she's giggling away, when she says as loud as she can "Daddy, you're so dickless!!!!"

When I was a small child (probably around age 5) I used to grab candy off the shelves at the store and my mom would say "put it back or I'll beat you..." (She never beat me, btw) Once we ran into a friend of hers and while they were talking I got really bored and restless, and started being obnoxious. I picked up some cans off the shelf and dropped them on the floor. My mom picked them up, swatted me on the behind, and continued talking to her friend. When I picked it up again, she gave me the look that said I was supposed to put it down OR ELSE. I screamed "Mommy don't beat me!!!! I'll put it back!!" What an evil child I was....she must have been so embarrased.

The art critic
 

A 10-year-old art critic disposes of the Brandywine River Museum:

"It had a lousy gift shop. There was nothing but books and postcards."

That's my daughter . . . . .

2 year old Inch3 has been chasing the cats, Ernie and Loretta around.
"Ernie, where going? Where going, Ernie?"
"Loretta, wanna read a story?" Waving green eggs and ham wildly at her.

In his sleep a few weeks ago he said:
"BIG HUGE DOWAS" (Boobs)

He is on a weaning program which invloves deflecting his nursing entreaties with:
"The Dowas are resting now, you can nurse at such and such a time."

The other day he walks up to our friend who dropped by for coffee and said somewhat seriously: "The dowas are resting" He thought Inch said "the pajamas are resting"

I was one time babysitting my little cousin for my Aunt, and I had to take her to Sunday School. When I went to pick her up, My grandmother interduced me to this new family who had just started going to the church. My little cousin hasn't had much interaction with any colored people, other then white. So she goes up to the little girl, licks her finger and goes to rub her face. Kind of like a mother does to a child when they have food or dirt around there mouth. And turns around to me and say's 'wow Ashley, She's really dirty' I was so embaressed. I was almost in tears I felt so bad.

My first husband and I split up when I was pregnant with my second child. She never knew her dad at all because we ended up living thousands of miles apart after she was born. She used to ask *any* man that I had a conversation with "are you my dad?"
Once in the grocery store there was an elderly gentleman in line in front of me, and since he only had a few items he let me go ahead of him. My daughter asked him if he was her dad, and he said "no honey, but I sure wish I was."

I could have just died.

Today:

"Did you hear me fart? It was a happy fart."

I think he is too young to know about unhappy farts.

When the incher falls and whacks himself, my wife is prompting him to rub the afflicted area and say really loudly: OOGA BOOGA. I think this is a little lame. As a lapsed Catholic, I have been coaching him to say: Holy mother of god.

Is this wrong? (Apart from the obvious; mom and dad are not on the same page)

OMG, that made me laugh out loud F3!!

A few days ago I stopped to pick up a gift after work, with Rugrat in tow. Leaving the parking lot, there was a stop sign, but no cars around so I just ignored it and turned the corner... Out of the backseat I hear "Hey! You didn't stop the car at that red sign back there!!" She totally caught me off guard and I burst out laughing. Hard to explain to a 3 year old that yes, it was naughty I didn't stop etc.

I thought after telling the story to a few friends and family members that that would be the end if it, but oh no. This morning I was in line with Rugrat at Panera Bread getting goodies to bring to work. The line was long, and we ended up chatting with the lady in front of us. During a lull in the conversation, Rugrat said to her, "Momma didn't stop at the stop sign, but it was a 'steak. It's OK to make 'steaks sometimes" Even the couple behind us got a giggle out of that.

I could have died.

It is always ok to make steaks.

OK complicated and poorly articulated tale. I was making a strange stream of consciousness point about gay marriage (gumint recognition there of) I was trying to say that the state needs to treat everyone the same. This was referenced by Santorums nonsense about marrying critters. Anyway the discussion slid into education and drifted into educating animals. To which little Griff says, "If we start teaching monkeys, they'll rob banks." :lol:

From my son (6).

"Umm... Dad, can you come here? There's something wack on the computer."

It makes sense in a zen sort of way. Kids are able to make these vast leaps of logic which are not bound by the constraints of duality that language imposes.

The rest of us have to smoke dope.

Ditto on the steaks.

Another one from the inch3:
HE was driving with SWMBO and someone cut her off, she tromped on the brakes and shouted "Jesus!" Silence in the back seat.

Two weeks later, I am driving while inch3 is nodding in and out of sleep in back. Someone cuts me off and I tromp on the brakes, behind me I hear the inch3 stir from sleep and slur "Jesus!"

(note: we often drive in westchester, ny. land of asshole me first drivers)

I should have spelled it 'stakes, she meant mis-stakes

Well, when it comes to camping with vampires, stakes get my vote every time.

Oh were to start
My daughter told a random woman at the laundromat
that she saw my wife and I having "Relations"
See my daughter is not in anyway shy she will talk to any one
I often let her until the person seems annoyed
so she walks up to this lady and they start talking
then out of nowhere I hear her say
"I saw mom and dad naked"
"Oh yeah " responds the smirking woman
"Yeah" says my daughter "They were hugging and kissing it was nice"
Ok so at this point I'm thinking yeah it was nice
the other side of my brain (That being the part not located in my penis)
says how am i going to diffuse this
so I rush over trying to say "would you like to fold some laundry honey"
anything to get her away from this lady as by now I'm very embaressed
much to my dismay she says "I like to kiss naked it makes me happy"
great so now i look like a pedophile
I try a "Hey your DORA underware need to be put in the basket "
ofcourse "I don't want underwear dad SHE" pointing at this poor poor woman
"doesn't wear underwear dad"
it was all i could do to not laugh my ass off
then as if she knew when to save dad and baby (which is usally how it works with moms) mom walks in to pick us and the laundry
young one runs to see mommy
dad gives embarassed smile to the very kind lady
and walks away back to his folding of the laundry
and wondering if there is a better way to get the skid marks out of his shorts

Almost busted tonight.

A few weeks ago I was mentioning to my neighbor that SWMBO and I have a difference of opinion about the privet hedge that I planted unwittingly a couple of years ago. I had ordered something else and got these which were mislabelled.

I hate this hedge and intend to plant bush cherries there next spring.

SWMBO is not down with any part of this plan. In front of the inchling I told my friend that I would just swap the bush cherries for the privets when SWMBO was away for the weekend or something. If she noticed, I'd just tell her that I had pruned the privets and that's why they looked like two year whips.

Tonight at dinner inch3 says:
"We should dig the pribbits. In the springtime."

Blank look from me.

Mom: "Yeah, and maybe we can go in a boat in the springtime."

I know eventually she'll come around to the bush cherries, I just don't want to wait until that happens to plant them, they take a few years to bear.

this topic is great....laughed and imagined those things happening in a coupple years... :p

Inexplicably, and apropos of nothing I could perceive,

Inch3: "I don't need a bandaid, I'm going on a picnic"

daddy went for a root canal -I told princess of the ryche that daddy's tooth had an owie - of course the response was "daddy's tooth needs a band aid"

princess has had a hard time getting up in the a.m. lately - crying - this morning - "momma - I don't want to cry anymore."
she also asks for Oingo Boingo, Chili Peppers, Green Day, and My-sturbed (Disturbed) in the truck on the way to day care in the mornings. (She's two.)

Oingo Boingo?? I thought I was the only one out there that still loves Oingo Boingo!! Danny Elfman is awesome!
I think that's one of the many reasons I love The Nightmare Before Christmas. Whenever Jack is singing, it's actually Danny.

Any Tim Burton movie graces us with the musical gifts of Danny Elfman. Genius.

My b/f has only had a licence to drive for a couple of years, and he and I met and started dating quite soon after he got a car. He doesn't particularly like driving, so I do most of it because I do enjoy driving. Because of b/f's inexperience, there were a couple of times when things happened and the kids would notice, and ask me questions later. In my mind I had just said something like, D hasn't had his licence for long so he's not as good at driving as I am.

Unfortunately it must have sounded otherwise to the kids because as we were pulling out of the driveway one day, b/f stalled the car. My oldest child piped up from the back seat, "It's ok D, we know you're not a good driver, but you'll get better".

Haha!

In our particular school district, the elementary schools go up to 5th grade. At our school a group of the parents put together a yearbook for the exiting 5th graders. There are several sections where they asked all the kids to list their favorite memories of school, etc. Under their "main" picture in their homeroom, they were asked to complete "In 20 years I will be . . . "

Some sample responses:

"I think, I will be a pro hockey player."

"a musician living in Philadelphia."

"a cancer doctor."

"a flight attendant."

"a teacher."

"living in a mansion in California and playing field hockey."


My daughter's answer?

"30 years old."

Boy, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree does it? (She claims she didn't understand what they were doing & thought it was a math question or something, but I still think it's a great answer.)

She's probably the only one who is right!

Strange things happen ... I did my 9th grade career report on being a Psychiatrist. I went on to college, ended up with a BA degree in Geography and Planning, and worked for 10 years as a computer jockey.

Today, I am probably the one who hit closest to the mark.

:redface: I know I have dozens... I think I've blocked them out.

The inchling an I were watching video clips of surfers and jugglers the other day. He is in potty training mode and is pretty much diaper free except at night. During the day, he often runs around freestyle or commando to buy him those extra few seconds to get to the potty. (It's all about him succededing say the experts) .

Anyway, he's lounging around freestyle this day and I glance over at him to see if he's duly impressed with the video and I notice he's got his 'special purpose' in hand and he's wrestling with it. I usually ignore this if it isn't happening in the middle of a public place, so I turn back to the video. A
moment later he looks over at me and says: "Jenny (his babysitter) is my friend."

"Uh huh." I say and go back to the video.

He's completely disingenuous.

"But I don't know where the hospital is." says SonofV.

Perplexed at the connection between this statement and the previous thread of the conversation about french fries (should we order some more), I barely managed a "Why do you need a hospital?"

"Because that's where the baby will be born."

Ding!

The earlier conversation had resumed. An hour earlier, he started with "When I grow up, I'm gonna be a hippie."

"Oh, really? Why?"

"Because they're nice people, they don't smoke, and I'm going to marry a girl with long hair."

"Do you know any hippies? What makes you think they're nice people?"

"Well, I saw some on tv."

"Ahh. Well, they are nice people, but some of them do smoke." I went off on a little tangent about smoking marajuana, which was news to him. I had my teachable moment, I planted a seed and I didn't pound it into the ground. An hour later at the restaurant, he worries out loud about the hospital. I told him if he can handle growing up, becoming a hippie and getting married to a girl with long hair, he won't have any trouble finding the hospital.

Driving from Ohio to Maine, round about NYC. My then 6 year-old son, riding in the backseat, looks around, apropos of nothing, and states the following: "I'm going to be sarcastic now." and then was dead silent for the next forty miles.

My son met a pregnant woman for the first time and she let him see her tummy "with the baby inside" now he goes to everyone he meets and yanks their shirt up and "checks them for a baby". It is hard to head him off in time... You learn a lot about people's personalities in how they react to this.

We're bringing lil Griff home from the hospital and can see lil Pete has a problem, arms folded across the chest lower lip hanging, eyes welling up. In her 2 years and 11 days we never got a cross word but now its "MY DON"T WANT NO STINKIN' BABY!" She got it out then and there with no trouble since. Where the heck did she pick up stinkin'?

You should never have let her watch American Movie Classics.

Yeah, you've got a Bogie fan on your hands. Watch out when she wants to do a remake of the African Queen.

Are you thinking of The Treasure of the Sierra Madre - "We don't need no stinkin' badges"? Or have I forgotten some AQ lore?

I think I'm thinking of The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, but then I'm not sure what AQ lore is.

AQ Lore

Looks pretty much okay, just so long as the kid doesn't reinact the scene with the leeches. I saw that as an impressionable young child. Weirds me out to this day.

My two year old can skateboard now! I'm very proud.

I think the whiskey drinking maybe should wait until high school at least. Or perhaps as a prelude to the first tattoo...

The other night we were sitting around the dinner table and my 10yr old daughter was trying to determine how old I am. My mate and my 18yr old son (who know) were not helping matters much. The most information I would give her was, "old...very, very old".

So my mate starts asking questions to help her narrow it down.

He asks her, "When mom was little, were there cars or horse and buggies?"

She replies without hesitation, "Horse and buggies!".

"Did they have toilet paper back then?", he asks.

"Nope." She responds.

"How about toilets?", he inquires.

She answers, "Yup, they had toilets".

He looks at me and straight faced, mumbles, "They had the technology to create toilets, but not toilet paper..hmmm".

I ask what people used to wipe with if there was no toilet paper. She quickly tells me, "Leaves!".

*Cough* :3_eyes:

My 18yr old opines that they must have had baskets with leaves in them in the bathroom to wipe with.

My 10yr old agrees enthusiastically.

I suggested that possibly one could have grown a tree right outside the bathroom window for a ready made source of 'wiping material'.

Then I realized this would probably create huge problems with MY kids..so I mimic'd what I forsaw happening in such a situation.

"MOOOOooooooOOOOM!!! Shane used ALL the leaves right by the window!! And now I can't reach any!!! It's NOT FAIR!!!!!!"

We all collapsed into uncontrollable laughter.

Speaking of poop,

When I came in for lunch today inch3 said:
"Daddy, will you talk to me?" (first time he's ever asked that, usually he does most of the talking)
"Sure, but I have to go to the potty first. You can follow me and I'll talk to you when I'm done."

(follows me, opens the door and stands there in the doorway)

inch3: "You need to have a tape measure when you poop."
foot3: "Oh yeah? Why's that?" (WTF and where is this going?)
inch3: "Because you need to cut wood."
foot3: "Really? I didn't know that."

So there you have it. Are we aptly named or what?

The other day while it was raining, I was washing out a garbage barrel. Inch3 is watching from the porch and says: "Why don't you leave it in the rain and it will fill up with water?"

It's scary.

from the mouths of babes !!!!

SonofV handed me a little plastic "jewel",
http://www.costumejewel.com/earring/...redhearter.jpg
a faceted red heart, and said, "Because you don't get enough love."