Surprise
 

I came out to my close friends as Erika this week. I would not go so far as to identify as transgender, nor to use such trendy identifiers as genderqueer, but I know I am not a cis male, that I am part of the trans* community. I cant see why I would limit myself to cisgenderdom when my own femininity is so far beyond the generally accepted limit of male feminine expression, and when my body-image is so low because I'm not comfortable expressing such a masculine presentation. I don't plan to try to pass full-time. I'm happy with my genitals. I'm happy with how I dress, sometimes. I'm happy presenting very conservatively at work, or with strangers, or in the south. But with friends, and alone, and in safe spaces, I want to be able to acknowledge my identity and femininity, and to present, physically and stylistically, how I feel best suits me. I already act and think of myself, socially, far more on the conventionally female side of things, so I feel like this just making more public what I've already (much-less-than-half-jokingly) acknowledged happily about myself, my personality, my style, my attitudes, my self.

Hi. I'm Erika. Nice to meet you.

Hi Erika! And congratulations!

Which would you prefer to be called around here?

And, well this feels awkward to ask, but if I'm referring to you, should I use "him" or "her"? Damn this language for dragging us into an enforced gender binary, but what is your preference?

Well Erika, nice to know you a little better.

Hello Erika,

Very nice to meet you. I'd like to second ZenGum's questions. Not to be an ass, but to try to be... ?? precise? sensitive? ugh. I mean, I don't want to offend out of ingnorance.

Anyhow, this sounds like a big step, pretty exciting, kinda scary. I wish you well!

Yours,

Ibby's cool. Or Ibram. Or Erika. But Ibram was never my real name and it doesn't sound that gendered to me, so around here I'll stick with that.

You can use whatever pronouns you want, to be honest - my feelings aren't going to be hurt, and it won't be triggering or dysphoric for me if you pronoun me male, or whatever, but - and thank you for asking, I happen to believe that nobody should assume pronouns for anyone no matter how cis you think they are - I actually prefer singular they as a pronoun for myself. I find myself dissatisfied with most non-binarist pronoun sets I've heard (Ze, Hir, Hirs, Hirself; E, Em, Eir, Eirs, Emself...), and I've believed since long before trans* issues became important to me that singular they/them is properly grammatic regardless of whether or not you know the gender of the singular subject.

Thanks, Ibram, I appreciate that.

This is not very dramatically surprising to me, as I've "known" you for a while around here. But this kind of "knowing" and association has some big differences compared to IRL "knowing". What kind of obstacles have you found outside the cellar? What kinds of things are going better for you?

What would you *like* to happen?

Why Erika?

I'd say if I came out to, say, my coworkers at my hardware store job, I would face major opposition and skepticism, if not outright discrimination, from either coworkers or conservative contractor customers. I accept that; I'm find staying a faggot rather than a tranny to them. I get ma'amed at work about once a week, already, without trying to pass; i smile inside every time, but I don't expect to try to pass in all contexts.
All of the three or four friends I have left, I've come out to, and only one expressed any surprise at it - and when I explained it in terms of, "i've been saying i'm basically a woman for years. I just was kidding less than you figured", he got it. But I'm in the sort of place where I know so few people, where there is so little connecting my life now to my past, that I don't have much that I can point to as differences beyond the fact that I feel so much better about myself, so much more comfortable, being able to come out. I was telling a friend of mine the other day, the reason I sort of feel like want to come out at work anyway is because... it's just good news! it feels like happy, amazing, joyous news, and I want to share it!


My middle name is Erik. I'm not settled on it necessarily, but I like it, and it seems to fit for the time being unless I find something better.

Why is it necessary to have a 'girl name'?

Or is that just fun?

Welcome, Erika...or congratulation? I hope in time you will become happier and more comfortable with yourself. In the meantime, good luck. Society is not accepting.

Congratulation Erika/Ibby. I can't say I'm much surprised either. But I'm happy for you!

I can understand your keeping a low profile to keep things easier in some circles. You've come out to your friends and to us. I'm glad you feel safe here and and honored you told us.

I actually thought long and hard about this. To present my gender in public or semi-public the way I want to requires more than just putting on a bra and pads, than talking with a higher tone of voice, than walking with a more feminine gait. To be read the way I want to be read, introducing myself as Erika would go a long way towards pushing people into reading me as an unexpectedly masculine girl than an unexpectedly feminine guy. Even if the snap-reading that people make of me would still be then much less nuanced than how I feel about my identity and gender, it would still be more comfortable for me if people assumed i was a cis woman, or whatever.

Ikram, Ilhan, Ilham, Iram, Irem, Iman, Inam, Inan, and Inaya are all traditional female names as well. But I still like Ibby. :)

As far as I know Ibram isn't even a real name itself, so...

what's cis?