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DanaC 03-18-2012 05:54 AM

I suspect that's Sundae's position on it too. Trouble is there's nowt quite like a family for ramping things up into a crisis if at all possible. Which is one of the key reasons I stay the fuck off facebook. Lot of my extended family on there.

@ Sundae: things will calm down soon enough. Something else will quietly become the thing everybody's getting heated over.

@ fargon: that's really horrible. Try not to let it devalue your own achievements within the organisation though. You earned it, he got handed it. But that means you did earn it and that matters way more than the fact he didn't.

Griff 03-18-2012 07:38 AM

Fargon, you may have to stand up and tell them the boy doesn't yet have the education or the time served to do this. I'd try to stay positive and helpful because if no one steps up that church will empty. good luck g

Sundae 03-18-2012 01:59 PM

What the family is most upset about is that she was the golden child. Up until the first lot of shenanigans anyway. And then she was back in grace. She has always been bright and educationally motivated, getting top grades and looking to be the first person in our family to go to Uni.

They now believe she has thrown her life away and will never do anything, ever.
This is part of what I am trying to nix - I know some really old women who've gone back into edumacation.

But what I can't deny is that life is going to be tough for her for a good few years.
Buying (and manouevering!) a double pushchair, two lots of nappies and feed (I doubt she will try to breastfeed - that in itself would be an additional challenge anyway), double sets of clothing from now until at least 16 - winter coats, shoes, uniforms etc.

This isn't the chap from before. It's a lad from football - they met when he was 19 and he's 20 now. They've been together five months. Yup. He dropped out of college but was volunteering because he wanted to go into football coaching. He's now taken a job with his Uncle. My sister didn't have much information on him - they've not wanted to see him or talk to him. I gently suggested that he was and would now always be a family member, but I got a long-suffering look and was told that that was not a guarantee.

He seems to want to be around - she's been to stay with him and his family most weekends and his Mum bought her some pyjamas... They are not what you would want as in-laws though. His Dad is no longer with his Mum and has just had a baby with his new partner. Sis thinks she is now living on the Jeremy Kyle Show (a bit like Maury). She doesn't see that perhaps the sky isn't falling after all and maybe a loving reaction is all you can have once the die has been cast. It's always been that way with us. That's why I got no support from my family when I was in mental health daycare. Not one phone call or visit from any of them. OMG - it's like she's a Jeremy Kyle guest!! How humiliating!!!

The thing that surprised me the most is that she should be eligible for a two bedroomed flat by December and will be taking it. She'll be 18, the babies will be approx three months (due date August, but twins are often premature). And my sister is mourning the loss of her, but of course she can't live at home. Wha..?! For 17 years we've had to fit our family lives around my niece. She dictated what time we ate Christmas Dinner, where my Dad had his 60th birthday meal, what day family BBQs fell on. Now in surely her most needful hour she is going to be left alone in a flat with two babies?

I mean of course they will offer some support, but I am honestly shocked that they are assuming she will move out. I'd have thought they'd move heaven and earth to keep her at home, even to the extent of us having my nephew live here (he's always been second best).

Part of what is eating me up is personal. Grandad's fridge, freezer, cooker and basic kitchen things are stored in my sister's garage. For me. For when Mum & Dad get their social housing - they are now on a priority list. Those are now going to A. My sister has an endowment meant to pay for a new car and insurance for A on her 18th birthday. That will now pay to have her new place painted and carpeted, but they need all the things left to me to help furnish it.

What can I say without looking like a beastly, selfish bitch? Can't help how I feel though.
All I can do is remember two wrongs don't make a right. If I act like my neice has preferred family status then I miss the point of being a loving and supportive Aunt. And it's true she has a harder path ahead of her than I do right now.

Please forgive both my rambling and my appalling streak of self-interest.

classicman 03-18-2012 03:00 PM

A huge issue in front of her is providing for 2 kids. Shit, it was hard enough for me when I had one at that age. Wishing them all the best.

infinite monkey 03-18-2012 05:05 PM

Aww, Sundae. That sort of thing is hard on the family, but everyone will pull together. I've only seen my great niece in real life once (she's just now starting to crawl) because they live far away but I will be seeing her more in the coming months.

For us, since we'll never be grandparents, we get the joy of being great aunts. I expect you'll regale us with stories of the twins' shenanigans, or I hope so anyway.

Don't sweat the other stuff. :)

edit: I'm a bit disconcerted about your grandpa's stuff though. That seems a bit...shitty. I'm sorry, hon.

BigV 03-18-2012 08:42 PM

I'm sick.


Aliantha 03-18-2012 08:47 PM

Welcome to my world. :( I hope you feel better soon.

zippyt 03-18-2012 10:58 PM

I'm a bit disconcerted about your grandpa's stuff though. That seems a bit...shitty. I'm sorry, hon.

Same thing happened with my sister ,She got ALL Our Grand Mothers stuff ALL ,
I got some steak Knifes , and got to help ( do by my self) carry every thing down 3 stories load it on a truck then carry it up a mud hill ( lousey ass truck wouldnt make it up the slope ) to her new house

stay strong and help where you can , you will be a FUN Auntee !!!

monster 03-19-2012 09:30 AM

Sundae, she totally will need her own place. If she stays at home with two babies everyone will come to resent each other. She'll need her own space, her supporters will need their refuge. It's not like they're shipping her off to Australia.

As for your things, they're in somebody else's garage for an uncertain time in the future when you inherit/live alone in/are forced to move out/what? your parents house? (1) Putting them in your niece's flat and them getting used seems like a win all around to me. And are you sure everyone saw them as yours? or were they just for the next person to need them, the assumption being that that probably would be you? And if they are specifically yours, can't you look on it as a loan until such time as you need them? Often things don't last very well in storage. I'm sure you can find a tactful way to remind them that -whilst you don't begrudge her using them- you will eventually need them. Maybe buy her replacements for the small items each birthday and Christmas instead of an extravagant personal present... Or buy them for you instead of giving her a gift (2) Won't your parents leave what's already in the house/can't you have that?

BigV 03-19-2012 11:38 AM


Originally Posted by Aliantha (Post 802084)
Sometimes young Mums make fantastic Mums, even if they don't seem like they would be.

With a bit of support from her family and lots of love, she will prevail. So will the kids. She's chosen a hard road for herself, but she must feel that she can do it, so the best thing for the family to do is get on with the job of helping her as much as they can.


Originally Posted by footfootfoot (Post 802092)
Agreeing here. Important not to sell her short. Often people rise (or sink) to our expectations of them. Point her in the right direction, surround her with good role models for how to mother, and the instinct should kick in.

These are textbook examples of why I stay here. You guys are smart, wise, funny, compassionate.

infinite monkey 03-19-2012 11:51 AM

GAWD I fucking hate this job.

Every time BEAAATCH in accounting has one of her freakout math moments she sends an email to everyone and their dog and they all look at me like "what?" and I'm like "what? what the eff is she even talking about?" and I'm so damn tired of this place.

My job shouldn't be sending me into anxiety attacks every single day, I shouldn't want to throw up before I come in, morale shouldn't be so bad that everyone is walking around on eggshells so as not to upset management but knowing they won't make decent money at any similar job, we all shouldn't be saying 'yes massa no massa" and that phrase didn't come from me it came from Af-Am cow orkers.

There's more to life, isn't there?

Where? Where do I get the lucky I don't have to work agenda? DId I miss a memo? Did I hold my head wrong?

Seriously, I'm so tired of it. :(

Trilby 03-19-2012 12:06 PM

Hugs and :flower: to Sundae and IM.

I'm sorry you guys are having a bad go of it right now.

Sundae 03-19-2012 12:20 PM

I guess the kitchen stuff is not officially mine, only in assumption. Grandad wanted me to have them and Dad moved them into Laura's specifically for that reason. As I said, Mum & Dad are at the top of the housing list now, so although it's been a long time since I moved in, that time is definitely coming to an end.

I accept they are family items and of course I wouldn't begrudge her having a cooker and a fridge, I just felt pushed out. Illogical. As I pretty much always am with my family. I won't be left without of course.

My parents aren't moving into furnished housing. The Trust only provides the apartment or bungalow at a set rent and does all the maintenance and repairs. It's a specialist charity for older people who want to remain independent but can't necessarily stay in their own houses.

And yes, A will be getting practical present for the next 15 + years from all of us I think :)
My SIL is already being eyed up for her Boots discount card spending power...

Told my close colleagues at school today. It's out there on places like Facebook now, so I'd rather tell them personally. They all have familes, all have at least one daughter and are certainly not judgemental. It was nice to hear positive comments rather than doom & gloom, even if they did wince a little to start with. Two of the staff know my sister's family anyway, and others have children at the same schools as A and my nephew, so it's better to be open - she's showing now as she's petite and it is twins after all..

Oh Infi. I've been there. The feeling nauseous, the anxiety attacks. I was hardly in the rat race but I hated my work so much I felt as burned out as someone who in a job high-powered enough to get 1m bonuses... without the 1m of course.

What can I say - I left it behind and found a job I loved but had to move back home and give up my freedom to do so. And as above, my housing position becomes more precarious every month. Once I am made technically homeless by my parents' move, I should get some form of subsidised housing eventually. But even meeting the bills is going to be damned tough. I might end up taking any extra work I can find. At present I am constantly searching for a second job but rejecting fast food work and cleaning as jobs that will give me the same feelings you are having now. But if it comes to work at KFC or go without electricity I won't have a choice.

Chin up. You're doing far better than you think.

infinite monkey 03-19-2012 12:26 PM

Yeah, following your bliss is a myth. The only way you can do that is to first prostitute yourself out to someone with money.

Or win the lottery.

But I'm not bitter.

Blueflare 03-19-2012 12:54 PM

My freaky eye is getting freakier - the upper eyelid still has bumps and now I have a swollen lower eyelid. If I didn't already have an appointment tomorrow I'd be down there now begging them to squeeze me in before the end of the day. Everything about eyes freaks me the hell out and I don't like this one bit!
Hayfever may be exacerbating the problem so I've taken a pill and put some eye drops in. I need to calm down. My eye and I will survive until morning, right? ... RIGHT?

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