Abusive boyfriend...
 

He did it again last night. He didn't shove me, but he came close. I believe that verbal violence is worse than physical. I know he may see this post, but that is ok. So let him make fun of me because I am deaf. Let him make fun of my cigarette stainded hands; as my flowers wilt away in the vase. He can make fun of my torn jeans, and worn out sweater too...

I know he views me as a 'gutter rat.' And many times, he has called me a whore...and now he calls me a loser because I am unemployed...

I wish I didn't care so much, but I do. I want him to think of me everyday and feel bad, ... but I know he will not. I know I am not the prettiest girl, but I do know that I am damaged...

Pam, I don't know a darn thing about you yet, other than that you can do better than him.

I have a lot of feelings, yet I feel so trapped. I don't know how much more I can take. The other day I was on the train going out to Coney Island. There was a very pretty girl on the train, and she had flowers. I never get flowers. I wanted to rip those flowers out her little hands and destroy them. I wanted to rip off each petal, one by one, and the break the stems and throw them on the floor of the train. I was so jealous. There will be no flowers for me; and the only Valentine's Day gift I ever received was from my father...

Always - Pam.

No offense Pam, but you sound like a creative writing project, not a real person. What are the actual circumstances of your situation?

FTFY

I am a real person, and so are my circumstances. I been pushed so far down, I don't know if I will ever recover, so where does that leave me??

What do you wish to know?? I will tell you. I am poor. All I own is a laptop, cell phone, and clothing. I do not have a TV, nor an IPOD. I do not wish to have those things anyway.

I really don't have anything but HOPE. So I don't mind putting on my sketchers sneakers, and backpack,...and wandering aimlessly around the city...without a destination... I am 'claimless.' Nobody wants to claim me... take care- Pam.

No offense Pam but you also sound like you need professional help.

You do not know me, so please do not judge me. I do go for 'professional help' twice a week. I am making some progress, and hope for a better life.

Do you know what it is like wishing for true love, day after day, yet it is always someone else??? It's very hurtful for me. I am a very nice person, but perhaps a bit too trusting I guess...

if you're looking outside yourself for salvation, you shall go on wanting.

check out this thread if you have a moment.

and maybe read this book (for free)

Sorry if you post a thread ye shall be judged its one of the Cellar commandments ;)

Your professional help does not seem to be helping you.

It is helping, and I wonder how the decisions I make every day will affect my life. And to think that I was almost happy again???

I am getting used to this place, but I do not understand why words that are under my name, on the left side of the page, keep changing.

Who is doing that??

Always, Pam.

It's ok, that's automatic, and after a while you can set it to whatever you like.

Thank you Mr. Undertoad. But it called me a 'provoceteur.' I had to look that word up. It said something about being a writer or an artist. I don't understand why that word is under my name...

And why do the words keep changing??? I feel as though maybe I am not welcome here? Please help/explain if you can...

Thank you,
Pam.

it is an automated list of titles that changes as your post count changes. not every single time, but with decreasing frequency. and you are, of course, welcome hear. what?

Welcome to the Cellar, Pensive Pam.
Undertoad has explained - it is an automatic feature of the bulletin-board software and after a while (a certain number of posts, I suppose, but I don't know how many), you can set it to whatever you like.