I had My Ions Cleansed Last Night and I feel ...
 

nothing in particular.

One of my girlfriends has purchased one of those ionic detoxification footbaths. Now as it happens, I dig ions. I like a mix of positive and negative charges in my molecules, but apparently it's not a good idea to have too many of the darn things.

So, we were having a girl's day and she brought the footbath and had everybody hooked up to it.

One of the things that makes the victim happily uncomfortable is that you have to wear a grounding strap. Thankfully, I was already used to this process from having had my hands inside of more than one computer over the years.

Personally, I like not being electrocuted, so okay, grounding strap on.

She mixed some healthful and natural sea salt (you know it's sea salt because there's a whale on the label, so I guess there was some whale penis residue as well) with warm water and I eased my toes into the water that was actually too hot to tolerate. The water was only salty enough to be mildly conductive. She plugged it in and I was detoxing.

It was incredible.

I sat in an uncomfortable chair for an entire half hour, couldn't touch my cellphone and therefore didn't have any good reading material. All that was in reach was a store circular and a kite catalog. I couldn't even shoot anybody, because I'd leave a trail of wet, de-ionized footprints that would lead right to me.

So, what happened?

As time passed the water changed from clear to an orange-tinged yellow, to completely orange, to brown, and to brown frothyness, and some suspicious-looking black particulates.

Nasty stuff.

A chart that came with the instructions indicated that I was being detoxified from joints, tobacco, gall bladder (interesting, as I don't have one any more), cellular debris (I never should have swallowed those pieces of the old phone I got pissed off at), lymph, and heavy metals.

Wow.

That's a lot of stuff, eh? Nasty looking too.

Oh, I did have one other thing to read ... the instructions were printed in really bad Engrish, so I entertained everyone by reading them in a really pronounced "L" for "R" Olientar accent. Apparently the Ionic Detox Cleansing Footbath is recommended for women often on their menses.

I had my suspicions about what was going on, and I was right.

Plain old electrolysis.

The magic "array" that is placed in the water with my feet is a fancy design of an anode and cathode. The device was making lots and lots of rust!

I sat with my feet in a pool of rapidly developing rust for an entire half-hour!

I feel so relaxed, cleansed, and new agey!!

And not a single one of you bastids had better tell my friend. She's very sensitive and I do not wish to disappoint her by crushing her illusions over the very expensive device she just purchased.

I am however working on researching the obviously hair-brained scheme she has to buy a 10K kit to convert her fossil fuel pickup into an all electric vehicle. That one I can intervene with because she hasn't bought into it yet, just has another person trying to convince her it's a good idea, and I know he's crazy and unreliable.

You need to get her the book Bad Science: Quacks, Hacks, and Big Pharma Flacks. It specifically discusses the toxin-cleansing footbath (in the first chapter, I think).

It's even available for the Kindle.

I was glad to read that it was only sea salt. Some of those footbath scams use a peroxide chemical that is dangerous on contact.

The real test is to set it all up and run it without putting your feet in the water. The crap builds up just the same.

ear candling!

I am afraid of ear candling. I'll just continue to use Q-Tips improperly.

And you won't get me within a mile of a neti pot.

I used to dismiss ear candling too, but I have been present when real proper qualified doctors used it to remove gunk from some guy's ear. Really.

In America this is not done by real, qualified doctors. It's done by high school dropouts in tie-dye shirts and broomstick skirts who chatter at you about their past lives in Atlantis while they set your hair on fire.

Why? It just grosses you out?

I'll admit, it seems a little strange at first, but when you have a head full of gunk, I guarantee that nothing can make you feel as instantly better than this. And I've tried alot of things: a hot shower, hot Pho with fresh jalapeneos, hot tea with Blackberry brandy, all manner of things which send steam and vapors into the sinus cavity. Nothing can compare with a continuous, uni-directional cleansing with warm, sasty water. Sore throat and itchy nose feel better right away--that very moment.

Well, yeah, them too, but I wouldn't let them near my ears either.

Pretty much.

I don't put things in my nose. It's nasty. Couldn't stand mom's attempts at nasal spray as a child. Never did coke, either.

You can have my neti pot when you pry it from my cold, dead, snotty nostril.

I'll pass, thanks

I had my lions cleansed last night. Purrrrrrrrrrr.

You would think if people, like, blew their nose from time to time they wouldn't have blockages clear to the backs of their heads and down their esophagus.

Have you tried Drano?

If you have a large pussy is it better to get it professionally cleaned?

If you don't want it to bite your arm off, well yeah.