Please just let me vent
 

don't judge. Yes, I get it. And for FSM sake... oh never mind. either you get it or you don't. this is beyond funny. to me.





Everyone wants me to be on the mend/improving/getting better because they care. And because that's easier to deal with emotionally and socially. Truth is, I'm not. But I feel a huge pressure to go along with them. Because you don't correct people inquiring after your health and who are glad you are getting better. they mean well. .....so then they have justification for their beliefs and so it snowballs........


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Stop telling me you're glad I'm on the mend/improving/progressing/getting better. Where did you get this information from? What the hell am I supposed to say after that? Oh wait, I'm not because you don't actually want to hear the truth. Not that they've thought it through that way, they're just trying to show they care, I know. Nod and smile, monster. Thank them for their concern.

PLEASE CAN I STOP NODDING AND SMILING AND JUST SCREAM AND CRY?


Just because I can't explain just how awful my vision is and because I can actually pass a driving vision test -why yes, I did- doesn't mean I can see well. Turns out I used to have superwoman x-ray-MRI-FSM-round-the-fucking-corner vision. Now I don't. So I feel blind and dsoriented. Bereaved. Focus is such hard work I have a permanent headache from frowning. And periodically it feels like I just came in from the snow and need to turn more lights on. I don't know why this isn't measurable or demonstrable. all I know is I feel blind. and it isn't getting better. And my sciatica is getting worse from the compensation for my new bad leg.

Yes, i know it could have been worse. Please, stop telling mw this, therapists, it doesn't help. When it comes to my health, sudenly everyone's a socialist and I am a Republican. Turns out I used to be superwoman. Just because I am now somewhere in the low average doesn't mean I don't feel a huge loss and am not suffering. OK, not everyone could do the splits. I could. And I could see round corners and I could do Zumba without dragging my foot on the floor and I could swim a mile every day and I could read things on my computer without feeling suicidally tired after 10 minutes. And I could drive my kids around. i could jump in the car and go rescue them when they threw up at school. I could go to the store and put a nice meal on the table and meet the schoolbus when there was a frostbite risk. And I'm not mourning a lost youth, decades-goone. I could do these things last fucking month. Yes, dear therapist, I know the old folk you usually treat haven't been able to do these things for years. Does that make it OK now we're all equal? It could have been worse. "at least i still have my sense of humor" "at least i still have my faculties". Really? Wouldn't it be easier to be a vegetable? At least i wouldn't care or realize what i've lost. But that would be hard on those who love me. Iknow. I know. We mustn't forget to care about the carers. Really? Do I look so dumb I don't know this is hard on everyone?


If you got this far without thinking "what a bitch" or itching to tell me "it could be worse", thank you for understanding. I just need to say these things somewhere so i can cry about it and feel sorry for myself so i won't snap IRL and hurt the feelings of those who care and are doing their best.

Beest is a trooper but the poor bloke has to go to work/escape sometime. And then do the school run I used to do and then come home to my misery as I've failed to do something I used tto do on autopilot as the 9th item of importance of the 10 currently baing multitasked........ He can do without this crap in the morning, so thanks for suffering on his behalf.

:comfort:

Vent away. Scream, cry, shout here.

Got it. Read the whole thing. You're not a bitch. Vent away. I am acquainted with life after stoke, unfortunately. You're not bothering me. It DEFINITELY SUCKS.

thanks :cry:

Monster, like Nostradamus used to say, "I know how you feel."

Vent away.

7 paragraphs I am impressed, keep up the good work. Vent on

I understand, monster. Sorry.

I understand, too monster.

Barbara Ehrenreich (Of Nickel and Dimed fame) wrote her latest book about how she had cancer and she was sick to effing DEATH of all those positive polly's out there telling her chin up, etc.

here's the title from the US and UK: Bright-sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America (2009). In the United Kingdom this book is called Smile Or Die: How Positive Thinking Fooled America and the World 9 January 2010 Guardian

huh? I still have all my faculties, remember.

posted in the wrong thread at first, but....


http://cellar.org/attachment.php?att...2&d=1359054367

If it happened to me, I'd be pissing and moaning and whining, and driving everyone I know batty... and I'm a lazy fuck to begin with.

Just tell the fools, "I've got a long row to hoe, but eventually I'll be able to strangle the annoying people again... what was your address?" ;)

Nothing is more irritating than platitudes. I suspect you are cursed to receive more than most people would because you were so active and "out there" and a part of so many other people's lives. I know you have to be nice to the people who love you, but therapists? They can suck it. Be rude to them all you want. It's their job to take it.

The therapist in training didn't come today. Shame. One more in-home visit and I will be done!

Today I am teary and miserable for no apparent reason. Well apart from shitty non-profit-board politics but I don't normally let that get me down.....

Some thoughts based on my experience after major surgery and prolonged recovery:

• You are not responsible for making other people feel better about your health. People hope you are making steady improvement, but there is no way you can guarantee this. I finally landed on the following: "I have good days and bad days." If I felt good that day I followed it with "Today's a good day". If not it was "Today's not so good".
  
• You have had a major setback. You will get depressed, if you're not already. If you're like me you're thinking, "Is this what it's going to be like for the rest of my life?" You need at least a few people that you can be honest with about what you're going through.
  
• On the other hand, the only people who can really understand are those who have been through what you're experiencing. Find a support group - online or irl. People in a support group will understand what you are going through and may be able to help with coping ideas. Reddit has a stroke group at http://www.reddit.com/r/stroke. I'm sure there are others out there.