There's a name for it! Narcissistic Abuse.
 

Somehow I stumbled on this diagnosis and have been reading more and more about it, and its equally fucked up sibling Borderline Personality Disorder.
https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordp...-long-to-heal/
http://thenarcissistinyourlife.com/c...c-personality/

I wish I had known about this sooner, I wouldn't have thought it was just run of the mill eccentricities that had gotten out of control. The good news is that shit tons of people have gone through this and nearly all of them say nearly the exact same thing as me, RE: their SOs. There's also a lot of info about recovery and a few great subreddits.

The biggest thing I've realized is at first I was still in the trap of thinking about "living well being the best revenge" and then I realized that way of thinking is still framing my life in terms of her. I'm now getting better each day at not including her, mentally, in any calculations I make about my life. Feeling better.

Thanks to you all over the years, you're the best imaginary friends a guy could imagine.

Fascinating sites, Foots.

I'm so glad you are figuring stuff out and beginning the healing process. You deserve to be happy - you deserve to be in charge of your own journey.

It really helps to label some things. Keep on.

"not including her, mentally, in any" ... thing.

FTW. Welcome aboard sir.

Thanks! where is the Tiki lounge?

lulz

'I will think of you as dead until (necessary/redeeming circumstance). And then I will think of you no more.'

Sometimes it's the only way.

I was having a session with my shrink a couple of weeks ago and have, over the weeks, described some of the ongoing issues of conflict in my marriage. My shrink said it sounds a lot like my husband has a narcissistic personality.

Maybe I feel your pain foots. I don't think mine is quite in the same league as yours though maybe.

Time will tell, I suppose. For me a lot of it comes from self recrimination for staying with her for so long despite knowing, not even so deep down, that things were effed up beyond repair.

She still thinks things were all beer and skittles, and is playing the "shocked to see gambling in this establishment" card.

If you have time to read some of the posts on those links you may or may not see yor situation.

Inertia

Meh, she did enough recrimination of you to last a lifetime, no need to add to the total yourself.

The sense of loosing yourself so entirely that you are left defined by the egocentric mental framework of another is very hard to overcome, if possible. You have my empathy. If you figure out a way to heal yourself from that completely.. Let me know.

Not to invalidate, because the experience you've had is real, regardless of diagnosis, but I am reluctant to use the N word. It seems to be such a common interpretation for past bad relationships and SOs, and unless we've all dated the exact few people, it's safe to say it is too common for an even significant percentage of those to be far enough on the spectrum. NPD isn't common enough for everyone's narcissistic abusive ex's to suffer from NPD.