The best stories are the ones you don't remember.
 

It was five, maybe six pints of beer, consumed so quickly it was later described as "rapid fire". And since it was a British-style pub, the beer wasn't nearly as cold as it should have been. Dammit, I really hate that. But who can say anything in protest when you're with good friends and you have reserved an entire night away for nothing but drinking? Even an awful plate of chips and gravy (guiness gravy!) proved enjoyable despite the smell. At some point during all of this, the dim light of the bar got hazy and I decided to take a little nap.

Usually, in this situation, one would expect to wake with a missing wallet or drawings on the face done with a sharpie, but my friends weren't so cruel and were busy arguing about tanks and mechanized canons. (Was I dreaming?) How nice of them not to disturb my slumber -- I only woke up because I was in a cold sweat and my mouth was watering. And my stomach was making really bizarre and unhappy noises.

Uh-oh.

The bathroom? I glanced at it briefly but knew better than to attempt it. Pushing your way through a long line of drunken patrons is never a good idea. I elected to bolt from the table and rush out the door to lean against an oak so tall and mighty that it could only have grown so strong with the help of generations of fertilizing vomit. But there would be no contribution from me, tonight, because God never lets me throw up when intoxicated -- I always have to "ride it out" and endure spinning rooms and stumbling steps for hours. (Hey, kids! Drinking is lots of fun!) Deep in my belly, Newcastle Ale and gravy-covered french fries were fighting out a monumentous battle with the help of room-temperature carbonation. I regained my composure and made my way back inside Fox and Hounds.

What happened next was considered, by my friends, to be "the sexiest thing Kitsune has ever done". A woman, dressed in a red vest, was attempting to exit as I was trying to enter. I bumped into her and, being the polite guy I am, opened my mouth to excuse myself. The only problem is that when you're drunk, the words just never come out right. In fact, all that did come out was an unexpected, uncontrollable belch so foul that the poor woman visibly wretched and took several steps backwards -- then nearly fell over as she hit a step! Boy, did my stomach feel worlds better! But she didn't, and was now pale as she rushed past me, headed for the same tree I had just visited...

I'm sure the best stories from alcohol adventures are the ones you never remember, but I'm sharing this one with you because, um... I'm not sure. But there it is. It is, by far, not as good as one in which an elderly woman attempted to get into a physical fight with me at another bar thanks to a heated debate concerning the Atkins diet. Eating nothing but meat sure does make people irritable! But that is for another time...

Good times.

Surely! The alcohol had nothing to do with it! :D

That was, by leaps and bounds, the most detailed and engaging disgusting belch story I have ever been fortunate enough to read.

That was, by leaps and bounds, the most detailed and engaging disgusting belch story I have ever been fortunate enough to read.

The red vest woman seemed impressed by it, too. Its a night neither of us will ever forget. Oh mysterious woman, I'll wait for you by the door until we meet again! :o

During my discussion with locals about "bar tales", I found out that my assumption that girls would be completely and totally disgusted by this wasn't quite correct. Stories from bars told by guys usually end with:

"...even though I don't remember falling."
"...and so they made me clean it up."
"...but I never did find my pants."

Yet, some of the stories from the women I work with were exponentially more surprising in their details. :eek:

A friendly and important reminder: never go drinking with your co-workers!

I've only been in a drinking situation with co-workers once and I remained sober the whole evening, so I was the one who was able to confirm/deny what people did/said/tried and miserably failed to do when the next Monday came 'round. That's a great position to be in!

The BF and I frequently have beer-driven belching competitions which I usually win. We both think this is hilarious :D .

I laughed so hard I wept.

Great story.

Good one! My favorite beer stories are the ones from the day after keg parties when everyone who had any fun at all is pooping foam. Do you have any of those?

everyone who had any fun at all is pooping foam

Um, no. No I don't. :eek:

I honestly think that the dumbest idea you can have drinking generally involves a phone (especially cell phones). Given the opportunity, I would attach a breathalyzer to my phone and the second I was above a .00001 I would not be allowed to make a phone call, send a text message, or do anything of any sort that would lead me to communicate with a sober person (especially those of the opposite gender).

Oh, and what the *#&@ does "pooping foam mean"

I think maybe pooping foam means the beer s#$ts. Phones are the curse of the drinking class. After working in oil field for a number of years, I have a large phone book. Get loaded & call ever a-hole who's in book. Who me? When did I call? Hello hello. :-) BB

Drink'N Dial can be a horrible thing. Especially if you're calling people in other time zones.

I once went out with some co-workers, had a few too many and ended up on a mechanical bull. Boy, that was near impossible to live down. I apparently kept trying to put my foot in the "stirrup" which was merely painted on the bull, not the real thing.... :smack: :drunk:

I've been the recipient of a few drunken emails, myself. Mostly from ex-boyfriends. Better than being woken up by a phone call, and evidence of the transgression remains for blackmail material. :)

Laughing myself sick over here... :thumb:

I've been the recipient of a few drunken emails, myself.

I think we've all seen some posters hit the "Submit" button while under the influence here at the Cellar. That's just a guess, though. :)

Brianna, your story just made my night. :D