The Cellar - Slow News Week at the Tabloids?

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Slow News Week at the Tabloids?

Fat People Doing Jumping Jacks Causes Thunder

One of my favorite passtimes is to occasionally purchase one of these fine newspapers. You gotta keep up with the real news, after all. The tabloids print nothing but truth.

Weekly World News is my favorite. I have for many years followed the adventures of the Alien who visits the White House, and the Batboy. I have a very old clipping from WWN that reminds me how to tell if I have been abducted by aliens. They print critical information that is shunned by the major news agencies. I also think they have the best psychic.

The Sun excels at coverage of haunted appliances, including such gems as "I saw satan in my microwave."

I often regret not having furthered my desire to pursue a career in tabloid journalism, but Florida is just too hot for human existence.

:tinfoil:

Hmm... where can I find these five-foot alien Catherine Zeta-Jones replicas? And if Zeta-Jones isn't a space alien name to begin with, what is?

looking at WWN makes me feel like I need a shower. I can't help thinking that there are people that did journalism degrees and ended up doing......that.

The only complaint anyone could possibly have about WWN is that they might buy it as anything but satire.

As satire, it is the New Millenium's version of the National Lampoon. I often find myself wishing I worked there. I would be *so* good at that crap.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jaguar

looking at WWN makes me feel like I need a shower. I can't help thinking that there are people that did journalism degrees and ended up doing......that.

I was surprised to find they "do that" for well into six figures a year. :eek:

This just in... I'm not making this up..

Quote:

MONKEYS TYPE SHAKESPEARE PLAY

The classic puzzle about whether an infinite number of monkeys typing for an infinite period of time would type a Shakespeare play has been answered in the affirmative. Researchers at the Raleigh Institute near Manchester, England, announced that the monkeys in their lab produced a perfect version of "Romeo and Juliet."

"We've been holding our breath for weeks," says Alan Ripshaw, the researcher in charge of the Monkey Project. "We knew the monkeys were getting close, but we've had a number of false starts.

"One time they got to the fourth act of Macbeth, before making a mistake. The monkeys also recently typed out a Thomas Pynchon novel, but that doesn't count."

Ripshaw says he began the project because he was intrigued with the controversy over whether Shakespeare really was the author of the plays bearing his name.

"Some scholars think Bacon was the real author," Ripshaw says. "That's when I had the thought, 'What if they were written by monkeys?'

Ripshaw assembled 5,000 monkeys and an equal number of typewriters. The monkeys were rewarded with bananas every time they filled up a page with letters.

"Ninety-nine percent of it was nonsense," Ripshaw says. "But one of the monkeys put up a blog on the Internet, and it has a big following."

But a researcher checking says the monkeys made a mistake. "In one reference, they called 'Romeo,' 'Romero.'"

Says Ripshaw, "I guess it's back to the drawing board."

-- JAKE ANDERSON

Published on: 12/09/2004

ooh! ooh!

look!

Quote:

HOW TO PICK UP CHICKS AT THE GYM!
Without Breaking A Sweat

By VICKIE YORK

Guys, you can pick up a buff babe at the gym -- even if you're a scrawny, 98-pound weakling!
"You don't have to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger to impress ladies," declares Los Angeles dating guru Veronica Simkin. "All it takes is the gift of gab.

"Health clubs are notorious meat markets and many women go there strictly to hook up."

Here are 10 tips:

1. SIZE UP YOUR TARGET -- "Figure out whether a girl is there to meet guys," advises the sexpert. "If she's wearing baggy sweatpants and a baseball cap, odds are she prefers to be left alone.

"If she's got on loads of makeup, she's decked out in a thong-type bodysuit and keeps drawing attention to her fanny with gratuitous toe-touching, she's probably interested in more than just pumping iron."

2. AVOID SHE-HULKS -- If her biceps are bigger than yours, she guffaws loudly and gives fellow females "good job" spanks, odds are you're barking up the wrong tree.

3. MAKE EYE CONTACT -- Let the hottie "catch" you admiring her toned tush and six-pack abs. But don't drool or stare between her legs as she exercises her inner thighs. "You don't want to come off like a pervert -- sniffing the seat of her stationary bike is another bad idea," Simkin points out.

"If she's interested, she'll give you a friendly smile. A frown or 'middle-finger salute' are signs you should move on."

4. SHOW OFF -- Find one exercise machine you look good using and work out on it conspicuously when your target is nearby. "Women are wired to respond to physically powerful men," explains Simkin.

"If all else fails, stay on a Stairmaster -- set at the lowest level - for 50 minutes. Your 'amazing' endurance will likely pique a potential lover's interest."

5. HELP AN UGLY CHICK -- Demonstrate what a "nice guy" you are by showing a fat girl how to use a machine correctly. If you're clueless yourself, ask a trainer ahead of time for some pointers.

6. APPROACH AND GENTLY CORRECT YOUR TARGET'S FORM. "Women love a man who seems knowledgeable and in control," Simkin says. "But don't overdo it -- no one likes a know-it-all."

7. USE DEODORANT -- Smelling "manly" is O.K., but rancid stench is a serious turn-off.

8. MAKE SMALL TALK -- "The girl's workout gear often gives you an opening," Simkin observes.

"If she's wearing a Save the Whales T-shirt, you could pretend to be interested in the environment."

9. PAY HER A COMPLIMENT -- Marvel at her well-toned calves or flirtatiously say you "loved watching her work out."

10. ASK FOR HER NUMBER -- "If you play your cards right, the two of you will soon be engaging in aerobic exercise of a different kind," the expert says.

Published on: 12/10/2004

Quote:

SCIENTIST REVEALS: THUNDER CAUSED BY FAT PEOPLE DOING JUMPING JACKS

The results of a prominent new scientific study reveal that thunder is caused exclusively by the pounding sounds created by fat people doing jumping jacks!

For generations, scientists believed that thunder was a booming or crashing noise caused by air expanding along the path of a bolt of lightning. "We now know that to be false," asserts Dr. Vigo Salandry, Director of the National Weather Research Institute, located just outside Washington, D.C.

"We've tracked a direct correlation between thunder and extremely overweight people doing jumping jacks. There is no doubt about it."

During the 15-year study, Salandry's team closely monitored 10 different groups of men and women, each of whom were at least 100 pounds overweight, and some of whom were as much as 300 pounds overweight. Each time any one of the groups began a five minute session of jumping jacks, thunder followed within 30 seconds.

Control groups of average-weight people were also used. When these groups did jumping jacks, there was no thunder whatsoever.

"We are very excited about this important new information," says Salandry.

"And hope to have equally exciting news once we complete our current studies of angels' dandruff causing snow, and farting from Mexican food causing lightning."

Published on: 12/08/2004

Now I know where the Theory of Evolution came from!

Quote:

FRANCE PROCLAIMS B.O. A NATIONAL TREASURE

By JACQUES BARDOT

It's offical: The French government has officially declared Gallic body odor a "national treasure."

"We're as excited as skunks in an outhouse," says French historian Jean- Pierre Lefevre. "We are proud of our offensive odor. It's way overdue that along with the Eiffel Tower and Notre Dame Cathedral French body aroma is taking its rightful place as one of our country's most important assets."

Luc Beauchamp, 59, has lived in Paris all his life. "France is the most beautiful country in the world," he says. "I stroll along the Champs Elysees and smell the fragrant onions and garlic on the croissants of passersby, combined with the smell that wafts from beneath their arms. To me that is pure heaven. I am alive in France. I stink, therefore I am."

Deodorant salespersons and manufacturers are up to their armpits in grief. "It's not fair," one of them laments. "We came to France to freshen up the stinking masses, but now they pass this national treasure crap. It ain't fair. Worshiping B.O. stinks and so do the French."

Published on: 11/22/2004

Told Ya!

This is easily the funniest, and most literate comment in the monkeys/shakespeare story ...

"The monkeys also recently typed out a Thomas Pynchon novel, but that doesn't count."