FSM pie for Easter

[SamIam]

I am serving a special FSM dinner instead of the usual Easter fare for five innocent children under the age of six years (the sooner you indoctrinate the little fuckers – err darlings - the better, I figure!)

However, I couldn’t seem to find just that perfect distinctive line between "yummy" and “genuinely disgusting.” Here are some methods I tried:

I cooked 5 batches of pasta that comes out to about a half pound each when thoroughly done. No "al dente" here, I wanted mooshy 1/2 pound glods that can be shaped into anything from round balls to whatever else the inner workings of the five-year old mind can come up with. Since Colorado has such a dry climate, I was stymied at first by how quickly the moosh shriveled up and began to form cracks and fine fracture points.

So, I went out to do some research at the Wally World Aisles of Lies Skin Care Section. I enlisted the help of my friend Jim, because after 50 years of ranching and cow boying, he has the most weathered cheeks I’d seen since a session perusing the visages of elderly California Beach Bums on “Meet Your Senior Cowboy.com. (A story told else where and best left forgotten). Jim was a reluctant guinea pig until he discovered how many cute young things were also in the aisle of deceit, shop-lifting turquoise lipsticks and 5 inch sparkle eyelashes. Those Navajo and Ute prepubescent girls struck Jim so deeply, that he began to try to make conversation with them about the benefits of Oil of Olay versus Dr. Bonner’s Peppermint Soap. The girls laughed at him behind their hands and pretended to only understand Din’eh.

“How come you never see THEM on “People of Wall Mart?” he grumbled. I ignored his protests and dabbed a little L’Oreal Age Perfect Serum ™ on his forehead. Hmmmm…. Not bad. Jim pulled his hat down over the offending spot and announced, “Crisco!” That’s what my Mom made pies out of. Had the best crust you ever tasted and they didn’t dry out.” So we compromised and bought both.

Next problem: Since the "monsters" must at least be capable of giving the appearance of possible flight (extra points to ones that actually do fly), I had tried decorating them with parrot wings; (too big) peacock wings from Hunter S Thompson's flock that has gone feral over in Woody Creek - cute, but also two big. Perhaps, smaller was better. I sent both my cats out on hunts several early spring mornings in a row for endangered songbirds. My kitties are connoisseurs and ignore the hoi polloi of the ornithological world like robins or sparrows. A cat who has the misfortune to catch a starling better hide it under a sagebrush pronto or else become the object of contempt by all felines within a 20 mile radius.

After three mornings, I had two lazuli buntings, a mountain plover, four southwestern willow flycatchers, and my personal favorite, the Mexican Spotted Owl – all delivered right to my doorstep. Purrrrrfect!

The final touch was obvious. Of course, my feathered FSM baskets HAD to be filled with eggs, but what colors should I use? Pastels? Would brightly colored eggs amount to something like idolatry? Since Jim is Mormon, all he did was roll his eyes and go off to feed his horses, leaving the question of colors to me. I decided that since Easter had been a fertility rite long before the FSM had revealed itself to the faithful; I’d go with the pagan look.

And then! I had a vision of the paintings of Georgia O’Keefe! The very colors! Pix may follow!

[SamIam]

The Navajo love Wally World as much as everyone else does. Check it out: http://youtu.be/7cuPZ0X1rXY










Two suspects in the mass songbird serial killings now taking place in a neighborhood near you:

and...

The first ever FSM casserole and Ms. O'keefe