What would you do?

anonymous · 07-04-2009, 06:33 AM

My husband had a work emergency yesterday afternoon, which does happen on a fairly regular basis. He was gone for about an hour and a half, but then some awkward behavior afterward, plus timing with other events left me with a funny feeling about the whole thing. I checked his phone while he was sleeping, and found a placed call just after he left to a person who has nothing to do with work. While in general he might have reason to call this woman, I can't think of any reason why he would have needed to right then. What I was really looking for was a text message history, but I couldn't find it anywhere (it's a blackberry, if anyone knows of a hidden menu somewhere, but I suspect he just doesn't keep the logs.)

Here's the thing, he did cheat on me before, about 8 years ago before we were married. That situation was a whole lot more complicated than simple lust, we went to counseling, we hammered everything out, and obviously I thought it was truly all in the past or I never would have married him. But the alarms can never truly go all the way back down to green, can they?

Do I pursue this path? There's no way to ask him about it without admitting I was digging through his phone, so even if he comes up with a good answer the conversation is going to be unpleasant. But the real problem is, I don't know if I want to know. I am in no position for the marriage to end, not emotionally, not financially, not in any way. I don't care what the truth is, if this path leads to divorce I am not interested. On the other hand, ignoring this may allow things to become more involved, which could lead to the destruction of the relationship in itself.

WTF do I do? Wait for more suspicious behavior so I have a better reason to bring it up? Forget I saw anything? Ask him flat out, and tell him I have a right to snoop through his phone anytime I want because I'm his wife? I'm really pretty sure he's not looking to leave, but if I force it out in the open will there be no other choice in the long run? This is killing me.

lumberjim · 07-04-2009, 08:31 AM

So, you're saying that even if he IS cheating, you still want to be with him?

If that is really true, then you could confront him and explain that position. And then insist that if he is going to be out there doing that, that he be extra careful about protection, and not to be surprised if you get some strange of your own.

festering suspicion can't be the right way to go

capnhowdy · 07-04-2009, 08:44 AM

If I didn't trust someone enough not to snoop through their personal data I would have already been gone. Long gone. Just sayin'

MoonFreckle · 07-10-2009, 06:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by capnhowdy

If I didn't trust someone enough not to snoop through their personal data I would have already been gone. Long gone. Just sayin'

I agree with the captain..If trust goes whats the point?

xoxoxoBruce · 07-10-2009, 10:11 AM

The "point" is, what do you do? You can't just close a marriage like a bad book. This isn't a high school romance that you can just walk away from, it's a working arrangement that must work or be replaced with something else that works. Kids can't be unborn and they need food & shelter.

MoonFreckle · 07-12-2009, 05:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

The "point" is, what do you do? You can't just close a marriage like a bad book. This isn't a high school romance that you can just walk away from, it's a working arrangement that must work or be replaced with something else that works. Kids can't be unborn and they need food & shelter.

The point of having kids is to make them happy...when a marriage fails and all is miserable and you can cut the air with a knife that doesn't make for happy families.
Maybe i should have pointed out that had my spouse to be cheated on me before we even got to the alter, there really is no point in my eyes, how could they truly love only me for the next 50yrs. Yeah he'd stay happy for a few years but leopards cant change their spots. The warning bells would have peeling for me long before I ever got to the alter. Yes kids are unfortunately the inocent ones in all of our messed up adult crap and no can't be reborn. But if nothing else they should be looked upon as a blessing by both parents be they together or seperated. Hopefully it's all innocent for the family's sake.
Sometimes the best for all concerned is to part.

xoxoxoBruce · 07-12-2009, 11:26 AM

Quote:

The point of having kids is to make them happy

Make whom happy, the kids? The parents?
If the kids, and/or parents, can be happy that's lovely. But the duty of the parents is to make sure the kids survive, and are taught how to survive on their own when they grow up.

anonymous · 07-04-2009, 09:24 AM

When you have children the equation changes. Just sayin'.

lumberjim · 07-04-2009, 09:35 AM

indeed it does.

i can totally see how you'd need to remain in the relationship. especially if you've taken the risk of being the dependent partner and care giver. I don't think most people appreciate the risk a person takes when they are dependent in such a permanent way. Time goes by and all the while, you're not developing a career....and if you suddenly find yourself having to provide for yourself and your kids...... The child support and/or spousal support will not typically be sufficient for you to maintain anything like your current lifestyle.

Better to work things out openly and honestly, and try to rise above bumps in the road like this one. take the long view, but don't be a doormat about it.

DanaC · 07-04-2009, 10:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lumberjim

indeed it does.

i can totally see how you'd need to remain in the relationship. especially if you've taken the risk of being the dependent partner and care giver. I don't think most people appreciate the risk a person takes when they are dependent in such a permanent way. Time goes by and all the while, you're not developing a career....and if you suddenly find yourself having to provide for yourself and your kids...... The child support and/or spousal support will not typically be sufficient for you to maintain anything like your current lifestyle.

Better to work things out openly and honestly, and try to rise above bumps in the road like this one. take the long view, but don't be a doormat about it.

I think that's very well put.

Really, anon, you're the only one here who knows your hubby and therefore you're the one most likely to be able to predict his response if you confront him. I think Jim's advice about getting in the open and basically saying if he's going to do that, do it safely is worthy of consideration. Again though it depends on how he's likely to respond and how able you feel to raise it in a productive, rather than just confrontational way.

Pico and ME · 07-04-2009, 09:44 AM

I would take a wait and see attitude. You only have suspicions based on very flimsy evidence right now.

bluecuracao · 07-04-2009, 09:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymous

Ask him flat out, and tell him I have a right to snoop through his phone anytime I want because I'm his wife?

Sure...and tell him he's free to look through your stuff, too.

I agree, open and honest is the way to go. Let him know that the circumstances around his work emergencies made you feel weird, which led you to feel uneasy enough to look through his phone calls.

Aliantha · 07-04-2009, 05:05 PM

If I were in your position, I'd bring the subject up very plainly. If you've been through counselling etc, then surely he must have some understanding of how your mind and emotions work if not just from being married to you for that length of time. Simply say you were suspicious, so you snooped. Big deal. If he's got nothing to hide he surely will understand. If he does, well, only you can know what to do from there.

I wish you well. It's a horrible feeling when you suspect your spouse of cheating.

TheMercenary · 07-10-2009, 03:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aliantha

If I were in your position, I'd bring the subject up very plainly. If you've been through counselling etc, then surely he must have some understanding of how your mind and emotions work if not just from being married to you for that length of time. Simply say you were suspicious, so you snooped. Big deal. If he's got nothing to hide he surely will understand. If he does, well, only you can know what to do from there.

I am with Ali on this. Bring it up very matter of factly. See what plays out. You say you are not interested in divorce but are you really willing to share your husband with another woman? Well plenty of people do, I am just asking. What I mean is plenty of people go through life knowing their spouses are cheating and just go with it. I am not sure I could do that but it happens. I say if you wait it will fester, inside you and inside whatever relationship he is having. Just my 2 cents.

monster · 07-04-2009, 10:33 PM

I agree with Jim and blue.

07-04-2009, 06:33 AM	#1
anonymous Operations Operative Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: in hiding Posts: 578	What would you do? My husband had a work emergency yesterday afternoon, which does happen on a fairly regular basis. He was gone for about an hour and a half, but then some awkward behavior afterward, plus timing with other events left me with a funny feeling about the whole thing. I checked his phone while he was sleeping, and found a placed call just after he left to a person who has nothing to do with work. While in general he might have reason to call this woman, I can't think of any reason why he would have needed to right then. What I was really looking for was a text message history, but I couldn't find it anywhere (it's a blackberry, if anyone knows of a hidden menu somewhere, but I suspect he just doesn't keep the logs.) Here's the thing, he did cheat on me before, about 8 years ago before we were married. That situation was a whole lot more complicated than simple lust, we went to counseling, we hammered everything out, and obviously I thought it was truly all in the past or I never would have married him. But the alarms can never truly go all the way back down to green, can they? Do I pursue this path? There's no way to ask him about it without admitting I was digging through his phone, so even if he comes up with a good answer the conversation is going to be unpleasant. But the real problem is, I don't know if I want to know. I am in no position for the marriage to end, not emotionally, not financially, not in any way. I don't care what the truth is, if this path leads to divorce I am not interested. On the other hand, ignoring this may allow things to become more involved, which could lead to the destruction of the relationship in itself. WTF do I do? Wait for more suspicious behavior so I have a better reason to bring it up? Forget I saw anything? Ask him flat out, and tell him I have a right to snoop through his phone anytime I want because I'm his wife? I'm really pretty sure he's not looking to leave, but if I force it out in the open will there be no other choice in the long run? This is killing me.

07-04-2009, 08:31 AM	#2
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	So, you're saying that even if he IS cheating, you still want to be with him? If that is really true, then you could confront him and explain that position. And then insist that if he is going to be out there doing that, that he be extra careful about protection, and not to be surprised if you get some strange of your own. festering suspicion can't be the right way to go __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

07-04-2009, 08:44 AM	#3
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	If I didn't trust someone enough not to snoop through their personal data I would have already been gone. Long gone. Just sayin' __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

07-10-2009, 10:11 AM	#5
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	The "point" is, what do you do? You can't just close a marriage like a bad book. This isn't a high school romance that you can just walk away from, it's a working arrangement that must work or be replaced with something else that works. Kids can't be unborn and they need food & shelter. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

07-04-2009, 09:35 AM	#9
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	indeed it does. i can totally see how you'd need to remain in the relationship. especially if you've taken the risk of being the dependent partner and care giver. I don't think most people appreciate the risk a person takes when they are dependent in such a permanent way. Time goes by and all the while, you're not developing a career....and if you suddenly find yourself having to provide for yourself and your kids...... The child support and/or spousal support will not typically be sufficient for you to maintain anything like your current lifestyle. Better to work things out openly and honestly, and try to rise above bumps in the road like this one. take the long view, but don't be a doormat about it. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

07-04-2009, 09:24 AM	#8
anonymous Operations Operative Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: in hiding Posts: 578	When you have children the equation changes. Just sayin'.

07-04-2009, 09:44 AM	#11
Pico and ME Are you knock-kneed? Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Middle Hoosierland Posts: 3,549	I would take a wait and see attitude. You only have suspicions based on very flimsy evidence right now.

07-04-2009, 05:05 PM	#13
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	If I were in your position, I'd bring the subject up very plainly. If you've been through counselling etc, then surely he must have some understanding of how your mind and emotions work if not just from being married to you for that length of time. Simply say you were suspicious, so you snooped. Big deal. If he's got nothing to hide he surely will understand. If he does, well, only you can know what to do from there. I wish you well. It's a horrible feeling when you suspect your spouse of cheating. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

07-04-2009, 10:33 PM	#15
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	I agree with Jim and blue. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

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