Humor...I Need Humor...

[jester]

She was standing in the kitchen
Preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake,
She turned and said softly,
'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought,
'I am either still dreaming or
This is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all;
Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her
'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

[jester]

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk. When he grabs a teat and pulls...the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again.

He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole
replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota too.'

[classicman]

The election is over. It is time to repair friendships with the other party. Governor Sarah Palin is doing her part to do just that.
The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can kiss and make-up.
For instance, Gov. Palin has invited, to her great state of Alaska, the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden. She has set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them.
Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt, Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening, and Bill Clinton will entertain their wives and daughters while the hunters are afield.
What a lady!

[jester]

An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a Stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at Midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed And he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through The door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm Not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak In the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was Told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay Of execution after all. Wright would not behanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

[Shawnee123]

lol, jester!

[Pie]

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said,

"Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

[Nirvana]

Murphy showed up at Mass at a one Sunday, and the
priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy
had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest
caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided
to come to Mass. What made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father.

A while back, I misplaced me hat, and I really,
really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat,

and I knew that McGlynn comes to church every Sunday. I also knew
that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass, and I figured he would
leave it in the back of church.

So, I was going to leave after Communion
and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that
you didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest
gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt
Not Steal,' you decided you would rather do without your hat than Burn
in Hell,right?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you
talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I
left me hat."

[jinx]

The Human Body
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

[capnhowdy]

Originally Posted by jinx

The Human Body
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

I have to admit.... I checked my thumb.

[Pie]

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked.

He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''

The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.''

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'''

[Nirvana]

40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.


The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful b****** should remember fairies are female...

[monster]

haha

[Nirvana]

A fire fighter is
working on the engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl
next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden
hose tightly coiled in the middle.



The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being

pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer
look.



'That sure is a nice fire truck' he said with admiration.



'Thanks' the little girl said. The fire fighter looks a little

closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the
cat's testicles.



'Little Partner', the fire fighter says, 'I don't want to tell you

how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar
instead of it's testicles, I think it could run faster.'



The little girl replies thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but

then I wouldn't have a siren!!!'

[SteveDallas]

Originally Posted by Nirvana

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful b****** should remember fairies are female...

I've been acquainted with more than one male fairy.

[Nirvana]

Are ya now?