Cats for York

[York]

and my girlfriends two Spic and Span

[York]

And Wolf, my Garfield ( his name is Actually Sirius ) isnt like a dog, but since i was in a studio before i moved, it wasnt possible to keep a dog! But im a animal-liker! Not a lover, thats more for the human kind! If i call he's name he ll come, and he rolls on his back, he sits when i tell him to...u can teach them if u want! My sister has a friend who's mom trains cats for commercials and stuff! But they ll never be dogs.....

[glatt]

Any of you other cat owners clean up cat puke on the rug this morning?

God, I hate that cat.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by Cyber Wolf

Would you feel better if I called them a set of 12-gauge needles instead? :p

Any of you other cat owners clean up cat puke on the rug this morning?

That'll teach you to stick your tongue at me. Like Ace Ventura, I've got agents everywhere.

[York]

my cat also "does not puke" on command! hahaha If u get a pet and they make a mess, u clean it up! Or teach them to get a bucket on command?

[xoxoxoBruce]

In all fairness though, sometimes they'll clean up after you. Like those dirty old steaks defrosting on the counter. :hafucking

[York]

yep, if we could only see what they wr up to the moment we leave for work!
My Sirius listens pretty well when im around but he also eats anything!
Luckely he didnt ate the two others yet! haha

[York]

flower power happy Cat

[Roosta]

I'm glad this isn't my cat. He's going to get revenge for this...

[Elspode]

Uh...I'm glad I haven't been invited to dinner at their place...

[York]

euh....why? Breakfast than? haha

[busterb]

How to give pills to Dogs & cats
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind the sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4.Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill into back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5.Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between the knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by the cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down the ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously for 30 -40 seconds.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail; get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lay cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force open cat's mouth with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. Throw pieces of towel in garbage.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap

13. Tie the little ****'s front paws with garden twine and bind tightly to legs of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. Pray vigorously while performing all steps.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home
to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters left.


Dogs:

1. Wrap pill in bacon.

2. Praise the dog.

[dar512]

Originally Posted by busterb

How to give pills to Dogs & cats

Dogs:

1. Wrap pill in bacon.

2. Praise the dog.

Even easier. I just smear some peanut butter on it. Plus then you have the entertainment of watching the dog try to lick the outside and inside of its mouth simultaneously.

[404Error]

Instructions on how to clean your toilet


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

[xoxoxoBruce]

Bwahahahahahahaha! Great 404.