What is the ethical thing to do?

[orthodoc]

Maybe it's time for his wife to step up. Seems she's been pretty quiet through this bullshit, just expressing some angst over the bill but not expressing anything re the shitty way her kids are treating her husband.

Time for her to step up. She owes it to her husband, who as far as I can see owes not one second more of his time or effort to HER blood relatives, and who has been treated like shit by same.

[BigV]

I have been watching this thread with interest and I hope Chris finds a satisfactory resolution to the car trouble. I think that's easier and more likely than finding a satisfactory resolution to his family trouble.

orthodoc, your emphasis on "blood relatives" is not one I share. For me, I have blood relatives that are emotionally distant though biologically close and non blood (non relatives come to think of it) that are the very center of my heart. Even one's spouse is not a blood relative (unless, cause, ew).

I find the members of my family of choice more consistently important to me than the members of my family of birth.

[orthodoc]

I put that very badly. What I was thinking was that Chris appears to have had a difficult time in his relationship with his stepson, and has been kept at a distance. He has worked at the relationship despite the difficulties, and has done what he could to assist with his mother-in-law's needs. But it doesn't appear, from what he's written, that his wife has his back in this situation. He's the one being treated as 'not family' and she's not speaking up on the issue, although she's good with him going out of his way despite that, and despite the ongoing hostility and rudeness her son and dil show him.

It's not the issue of 'blood family' vs 'non-blood family', it's whether or not his wife has his back. I think last night my brain went to sleep before my body did.

[BigV]

I'm happy to see you expand on your answer orthodoc, thanks. I agree that there are levels of hostility and rudeness coming from the stepson and the dil that would surpass my boundaries. That's sad. They're adults and the prospect of "teaching" them anything in this area is very poor. They *might* learn and change, but it will be only on their own terms. Which, as many have pointed out and with which I agree, that Chris limit his exposure to situations where this kind of crap could/would happen. Although, that can be hard to predict; who would have expected this kind of shitstorm from the start of this episode?

Only people who've experienced this kind of treatment before, namely Chris and the rest of the players. It's sad.

Chris, I think if I were in your shoes, I'd do what satisfied *my* sense of fairness, what I felt did the best for all involved, including my own future prospects. In my opinion, unless you drove the hell out of their car, you did nothing that "broke" the car. You can't break a water pump like that. For all I know, it was broken before you sat down in it. Would you be on the hook for it sitting broken in the garage before you turned the key? No.

But, there are clearly lots of aspects to consider, and you're thinking twice and cutting once, good for you. Sorry your kids are being such disrespectful, juvenile jerks. That sucks. Do what's right by your lights, because it doesn't seem like the others *can* be satisfied no matter what.

Good luck man.

[Undertoad]

There's a sorta zen answer to all of this:

It's wonderful that he has given you the opportunity to be the bigger person.

Surely he will give you more opportunities in the future. It makes you wonder if he feels badly about himself, in some way. Is there a father-son resentment that he's carrying out in his relationship with you? How's his life with dad been?

[sexobon]

Originally Posted by Undertoad

... Is there a father-son resentment that he's carrying out in his relationship with you? How's his life with dad been?

I imagine it's been kind of chilly:

Originally Posted by chrisinhouston

... His mother was widdowed ...

[chrisinhouston]

Originally Posted by Undertoad

There's a sorta zen answer to all of this:

It's wonderful that he has given you the opportunity to be the bigger person.

Surely he will give you more opportunities in the future. It makes you wonder if he feels badly about himself, in some way. Is there a father-son resentment that he's carrying out in his relationship with you? How's his life with dad been?

Good comments as usual UT. Yes, I've calmed down and am sort of taking a Budhist like response at this point that I'll be a better person for just taking care of this then lowering myself to get in a quarrel.

As for son and birth dad; he was a rather rebellious child who bucked his father's authority as a teenager. He walked away from a fully paid scholarship to college to join the Air Force which upset both parents. Dad died not long after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and although he had visited him just before, he was not there when dad died as he was still in the Air Force and on duty. 20 years later he is much like his dad and more so than his older brother.

[chrisinhouston]

Just an update and thanks for the feedback so far.

I spoke with the service rep at the stealership last Wednesday (March 11) and authorized the repair. My financial broker's office person called me the next day and said a check for $2000 had been cut and should be in the mail to me. Because the account is an inherited beneficiary IRA from my late father they can't do direct deposit. Not sure why but that is the rule. I told my step son it would be Saturday at best before the car would be ready as the service rep said it was about 12 hours labor, thus the high cost.

Saturday came and went and Monday afternoon the rep called and said the car was ready, the total was $1768. My mail usually comes late in the day so I told him it would be a day or 2 before I could get the car picked up. My wife, who had just gotten paid on the 15th said she could cover the repair but I said I wanted to at least deposit the funds so we didn't get into a bind if there was a delay.

On Tuesday I texted my step son about the car and that I was still waiting for the check, He texted back something like "OK, we can work out the details on paying for it later" which made me wonder if he had had a change of heart and we might split the costs. Then my daughter in law called and was very cheery and asked if I was going to be able to pick up her daughter (age 8) who gets out on Wednesday's an hour before her older brother (age 10) who is responsible for their safe walk home and being alone until older siblings get home from middle school. This is what I do most Wednesdays. I like it as I get to help her with homework and play a bit. She also asked if I could pick up youngest grand daughter (age 6) who goes to day care after her day at kindergarten and is usually picked up by parents on the way home. Daughter in law said she and husband were going to the Houston Rodeo for the concert. The oldest (grandson who is 14) would be in charge and supervise dinner (something sounding horrible to me called Pizza Bites or a bowl of Raman); not my idea of a good dinner.

I said no problem as I will not let any of this interfere with my time with the kids. I explained to her about the car and that as of that time my mail had not come so still did not have the check and to let husband know. We hung up and she called me back and said she spoke with him and they would just stop and pick the car up and "we could work out the details later." "Fine", I said. No check in Tuesday's mail which seemed odd so I phoned my rep and told him and he agreed it was odd but to wait one more day.

Wednesday I took my mother in law to her Kidney Dr. as she has been having s lot of fluid retention in her feet. I was able to use my wife's car this time (as mentioned she can not get into my lifted Land Rover). Got home in time to inhale a late lunch and then head to the kids home where I played with the puppy who had been penned up and went and picked up kids and waited for older siblings to get home and then left to get my wife from work. We had to go by her mother's to go over the instructions for the 24 hour urine collection test the Dr. wanted her to do. Did you know you have to refrigerate that big jug of collected urine? I joked with her to not get confused and think it was her orange juice. Mom likes me because I joke with her like that.

Got home at 6pm and no check in the mail but a notice from the Edward Jones main office advising a check was cut on the 12th. So where the hell is my check and what do I do if I never get it?

Now it's Thursday early morning and I left a message at broker's office. Guess they will do a stop payment and issue another check.

So, car is picked up an not much else is certain yet. Stay tuned!

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by chrisinhouston

The oldest (grandson who is 14) would be in charge and supervise dinner (something sounding horrible to me called Pizza Bites or a bowl of Raman); not my idea of a good dinner.

If you blow their chance to have Pizza Bites and Raman, without hand washing and manners, they'll never forgive you.

If appears your relationship with your step-son hasn't improved in all these years, and logic says it won't. You're not stupid, you must be aware of that, so none of this should come as a surprise. Like owning a horse that kicks occasionally, watch where you're walking.

[chrisinhouston]

The office manager for my financial adviser had the main office cancel the check and told me to just tear it up if it ever comes. Then she did some research and said that the home office said they could transfer $2000 from my beneficiary IRA to my Roth IRA and then do a direct deposit to my bank from there. Said it would be in my account by tomorrow.

Mail came a bit early and the check arrived...

I've actually pretty much gotten over the hurt and insulted feeling. I'm still kind of mad but what the heck, I'd rather take the high road and not lower myself to fight over this. During one of my conversations with my wife it came to me that my step son said he did appreciate the things I have done for him and the family since they moved in. But it dawned on me that he may appreciate it but he doesn't value it because I don't make a living doing those things. I mean if I were an electrician or did construction and said I could install his oven and save him hiring someone I think he might have seen the value in that more than me just being a guy who is knowledgeable and volunteers to help.

[monster]

So the stepbrat paid for the repair and picked the car up after all that fuss?

[chrisinhouston]

Originally Posted by monster

So the stepbrat paid for the repair and picked the car up after all that fuss?

Well he and his wife picked it up and did pay for it but with the plan that "we will work it out later" like probably this weekend. It was that or he wasn't going to get the car until I got the money into my bank.

[monster]

I think you're off the hook, frankly. I don't feel like you need to "work it out". Especially if you already covered the tow Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Some people just assume that because you can, you should. that isn't always the case.

[chrisinhouston]

Ok, this is the final chapter in my story. Saturday was my daughter in law's 38th birthday and we had picked up a card and a gift and my wife texted her son that we were going to stop by and drop the items off and also settle up. He replied that was fine and they were taking the kids to a movie and advised when they would get home. We went over about 4pm and visited while she opened her card and gift. But we never got around to discussing the car, it just didn't seem right as their kids were all about and it seemed more important to congratulate her on her birthday, etc. They were all going out for a celebratory dinner so we said goodbye.

Sunday we caught up with them around 4pm and we sat in the family room making small talk. Finally I was getting tired of this 800lb elephant in the room and suggested we settle up and said something like "So, what do I owe you?"

My stepson sat there and said, "Well, I don't have an opinion on that." He sort of stared off rather then look either of us in the eye.

"Well, how much was the repair?" I asked.

"$1768" he sort of sighed.

I looked at my wife and said, "well you know how to transfer the funds so go ahead and do whatever needs to be done." We then talked a bit about the repair and why it was so expensive. The parts (albeit OEM parts from the Ford Dealer) were not too expensive, like $220 so most of the bill was labor. My stepson reminded his mother of when he was first in the Air Force and transferred to New Jersey and his Toyota Forerunner's water pump went out and it had only cost $400 or so to fix.

We all got up and went outside, the kids both smoke but only do so outside and they each lit up a cigarette. My daughter in law asked what I was doing this coming week and I replied, "not much. I have to take Grannie to the pain management Dr. in the Woodlands on Tuesday and a new Cardiologist on Friday." Seemed appropriate to point out that my 2 big activities once again involved his grandmother. My daughter in law asked how busy I would be in May. I usually know this question will proceed her telling me they need a baby sitter. "I'm available, where are you going?" I asked. She said she had to go to Las Vegas for a work convention and stepson wanted to go, the kids are still in school so I and my wife usually just go live with them for a few days. We finished up by discussing Grannie's 88th birthday next Saturday. My wife has purchased a group gift, new patio furniture for her new apartment and solicited donations from all the grand kids.

We said goodbye and left, all smiles as I was determined not to let the whole in my pocket bother me. My wife and I drove home with a planned stop at the grocery store. She got a text and said out loud, "God, he can be a jerk." "What's up?" I asked. "He says to let him know what isn't covered by the other kids for Grannie's birthday and he will cover it. He also said he still doesn't have an opinion on the car but that he thinks splitting the bill seems a better option" she replied.

I rolled my eyes. "Well it sounds like he does have an opinion after all. If I had know he only wanted half the amount I would not have taken so much out of my IRA! I can't put it back now. Plus there is a tax implication with using those funds" Not completely happy but splitting it is better me paying full price.

My wife agreed and said, "Funny he mentioned the water pump on the old Toyota. I paid for that repair, too. Plus I had bought the car for him before he left."

End of story. We decided to put the rest of the money I pulled into savings for when we go to my daughter's wedding in September in Seattle. In the end I don't really care about the repair or paying for it. I feel like I took the high road. It's water under the bridge as they say. I'm moving on.

[xoxoxoBruce]

You've been reassured nothing has changed and not likely it will.