my baby sister.

[perth]

so i wasnt around all last week. anyone notice?

my sister, angela, died on april 13th. she was 22 years old and one of my best friends in the world. apparently, she had a cyst on her brain near where fluid drains (i have no idea the medical terminology here), which she probably had her entire life. recently, it had begun to swell, causing her migraines and brief blackouts. the problem was, no one knew it was there. she had no history of problems like this, and when they surfaced, she assumed that they would go away with time. she was vacationing in steamboat springs with a bunch of her friends when she began experiencing pain bad enough to send her to the emergency room. by bizarre coincidence, my father was in steamboat at the same time for work. he rode along with her while she was airlifted a denver hospital. during that flight, she lost consciousness and never woke up.

she was an organ donor, and saved 5 lives. i can take comfort in that, but i simply cannot fathom how this happened or even that it has happened. i sit here and i think that i should call her, make sure shes okay. i think, without realizing, that i havent seen her in a couple weeks and should invite her over.

i really dont know how to cope. my only other experience with death has been with my grandfathers and in both cases i had plenty of time to get used to the idea before it happened. i have 3 brothers who i want to be strong for, let them mourn. but i know that at some point i have to. but i cant figure out how.

my father insisted on an open-casket viewing. she would have hated it. they fucked up her makeup and gave her what appeared to be a five-o-clock shadow. but i was struck by something. i had always thought of my sister as a very beautiful girl. but she looked like hell in the casket. i never realised just how important inner beauty was to outer beauty. when my sister smiled, she radiated love and kindness.

my family played a lot of music this week. partly to stimulate the memory and partly to find solace. for some reason, this song stuck with me.

poe - beautiful girl

Someone's gotta hear this...

Beautiful girl,
You must've been a beautiful baby too
Beautiful woman,
You must've had your moments inside the sun
Beautiful girl

Beautiful stranger
Why do you have to walk with your head hung low
Beautiful girl

Your eyes are mockingbirds inside a guilded cage
Your life's a silent movie that I haven't heard for ages
Tell me everything, someone's gotta hear this
beautiful thing

Beautiful mother, frozen in ice
I've waiting for you to grow for my whole life
Beautiful girl

Your eyes are mockingbirds inside a guilded cage
Your life's a silent movie that I haven't heard for ages
Tell me everything, someone's gotta hear this
Beautiful thing (so beautiful)

i was priveliged to choose a quote to put in the program for the memorial service. i chose one that i felt matched her personality and philosophy. people that knew her said that she was a hard worker, but knew how to enjoy and get the most out of it. they also said that shew knew how to have fun.

To awaken each morning with a smile brightening my face;
To greet the day with reverence for the opportunities it contains;
To approach my work with a clean mind;
To hold ever before me, even in the doing of little things,
the Ultimate Purpose toward which I am working;
To meet men and women with laughter on my lips and love in my heart;
To be gentle, kind, and courteous through all the hours;
To approach the night with weariness that ever woos sleep,
and the joy that comes from work well done-
This is how I desire to waste wisely my days.
-Thomas Dekker

i love my sister dearly. my deepest regret is that i didnt tell her more often. tell your family that you love them. often. i doubt it will ever be enough, but it should be said.

~james

[slang]

I am very sorry for your loss Perth. There is no easy way to lose a loved one.

There really isn't anything I can suggest or do for you in this time of grief, although I would if I knew of something or could do something to help you. My greatest weapon for most of life's challenges is humor, which isnt appropriate at this time.

Take comfort in knowing that your thread has at least made the readers aware of what you and the world has lost by the passing of your sis.

Best wishes.

[Elspode]

Perth, you do you sister much honor by sharing your feelings here. Though none of us will be privileged to know her, you have conveyed her goodness and beauty in beautiful fashion.

Don't try and be strong for everyone else, it is your right and need to grieve as well.

Blessings to you and your family.

[Uryoces]

I read this last year at my mother's funeral. It's by Khalil Gibran.

Joy and Sorrow

Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and
Sorrow.

And he answered:

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter
rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the
more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that
was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit the very
wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and
you shall find it is only that which has given you
sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart,
and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for
that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, 'Joy is greater than sorrow,' and
others say, 'Nay, sorrow is the greater.'

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with
you at your board, remember that the other is asleep
upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your
sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and
balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold
and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow
rise or fall

As you know, I'm also really close with my sister. I don't know what I'd do if I lost her, and I hope I never have to find out. I'm sorry for your loss.

It may seem like a weird request, but seeing pictures helps me when I hear about something like this. So I can keep it in my head. I'm very visual like that. Anyway, if you don't mind posting a picture of her, please do. But if you don't feel comfortable doing it, or you don't think she'd approve, then don't.

Regardless, that sucks man, and I'm truly sorry to be reading about it now.

[Elspode]

I thought about making the same request, Dave, for much the same reasons.

[Whit]

Perth-
     I can't pretend to know what you are going through. I do wish to suggest some things that might help though. Using humor is only inappropriate if it's disrespectful. Try to think of the things that made her laugh. The things she thought were funny. It might make you laugh and cry both, but remembering her happiness will be good for you right now.
     Be strong for the others right now. I suspect she would have appreciated the effort. I know this is hard, but it might be good for you. You will feel better about yourself and taking care of her loved ones will honor her memory. They will almost certainly take care of you in turn. Just try to last through this first, worst part.
     Your loss saddens me, but the strength you showed sharing it here gives me hope. Just stay strong for a little while and you'll make it through.

[perth]

y'know, i cannot find a single digital image of her right now. i have plenty of snapshots, so once i get one scanned i will post it.

i think humour is totally appropriate when, as whit said, it was something that would have made her laugh. and she laughed at a lot of things.

the thing about me deciding to be strong, is that my brothers all decided the same thing. so thats kind of wierd.

actually, we really pulled together this week. i think its something angie would be proud of, bringing her brothers so close. its terribly painful, but at least we can lean on each other. the hardest thing is that i live 2 hours away from them. so i worry, but i know they can handle themselves.

it goes in waves. sometimes im horribly depressed and i wish i could just sleep forever, and other times im on top of the world thinking about the fun we had. still other times im a horrible asshole, angry at everything. so i may not be handling it quite right, but at least im not bottling it in.

~james

One of the best things helping me with Shadow has been the thought of him hissing at my laptop. So yeah, the humor helps. And I definitely think you're on the right track.

Still... I can't imagine. Or rather, I can, but I know that it doesn't come close to the actual feeling. Like making love with your soul mate or having a child, the feeling cannot be understood until you have experienced it. I'm sorry that you had to.

[xoxoxoBruce]

That wasn't your sister/friend in that casket. That was a husk. Keep that smile in your mind and she will ALWAYS be in your heart. And because she's there you'll save on phone bills. You can talk to her anytime day or night. So talk to her. Tell her how you feel. If it feels better, go somewhere alone and talk out loud. It may sound off the wall, but don't worry about how or when you'll grieve. When you're ready, it'll happen in your own way. Right now your emotions are probably as turbulent as they've ever been but it'll be cool in time. I wouldn't lie.

[Griff]

When things like this come down often its best to reflect on the good. If you and your family keep the best that was her in your hearts, you'll all be richer for having known her. Good luck and blessings for your family.

[perth]

my son was always close to her. hes obviously too young to really understand death, and i think it would be horrible to try to saddle him with it. he sees pictures and asks for her, i simply say shes not here. in time, hes going to forget her, unless i somehow make sure he doesnt. i imagine that when my brothers have children they will want to make sure they at least 'know' their aunt as well. how would you go about this?

ive thought about writing little stories about her to read to him. my brothers are very good artists, and when i really try, i can set out some halfway decent prose. ive also thought of putting together a scrapbook of pictures of her and him, but i think thats something to give him when hes quite a bit older.

~james

[Griff]

The scrap book is a great idea. Until he's old enough to understand just tell him stories about his aunt, when they pop into your head, it will do you good and honor her.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Might be a good idea to write those first person stories down as they pop into your head. Carry a small pocket tape recorder in your car. Driving tends to let your mind work.

[Elspode]

To expand on what xoxoBruce has said, Perth, *do* talk to your sister anytime you feel the need. She's nearer by than you know.