bleagh

anonymous · 06-16-2009, 12:31 AM

An old friend, a woman got in touch with me the other day. Turns out she still cares for me. She's in a bad marriage, why it's bad I don't know for sure. I didn't realize she loved me twenty years ago when we were teenagers. Even if I had, I was too fucked up to handle it.
So what?
So I want to go to her.
That's a big problem.

Hoof Hearted · 06-16-2009, 12:39 AM

That *is* a big problem.
I'd tell her you sympathize with her situation, but she needs to get herself untangled before you can commit to pursuing anything with her. It would be the only fair thing to do...it isn't fair of her to drag you through her mud puddle so you can be the rope she pulls herself out on.
hh

xoxoxoBruce · 06-16-2009, 12:46 AM

Exactly, she searched her past for someone she could use to save her from her "bad marriage".
There's a reason you didn't know she loved you 20 years ago... she didn't. Run away.

Aliantha · 06-16-2009, 12:56 AM

Ummm...are you currently married or in a relationship yourself? That's the big one for me.

As to the rest, well, we all have someone in the past that we wonder 'what if' about. Ultimately there's usually a good reason it never worked out with them, but you do hear about people 'finding' eachother in later years and then living happily ever after.

I'd be thinking about the reality of the situation and not getting caught up in the whole romance, white knight thing if I were you.

ZenGum · 06-16-2009, 12:56 AM

Teenage love seldom transfers well into adult love, after you've spent a decade or two on different paths. [/experience]

limey · 06-16-2009, 03:18 AM

What does the prospect of "going to her" get you away from?
That's what I think you should be thinking about.
Oh, and what everyone else said, too.
good luck!

Beestie · 06-16-2009, 03:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Exactly, she searched her past for someone she could use to save her from her "bad marriage".
There's a reason you didn't know she loved you 20 years ago... she didn't. Run away.

I'm glad you posted this. Now I don't have to spend 20 minutes trying to write something that wouldn't be half as good.

Sundae · 06-16-2009, 04:30 AM

Anon - what Bruce said.
I've been that woman. It didn't work out and hurt three people, only one of whom deserved it.

DanaC · 06-16-2009, 05:48 AM

*nods*

As an addition, I'd say it depends on what she's looking for as well. The thing is, apart from practical assistance and moral support, the only person who can rescue her from her bad marriage is herself. If she's looking to you to provide moral support, then it kind of begs the question, why has she nobody in her life currently who can offer that? If she's looking for something else, romance of some kind, then she's an emotionally dangerous person to anyone who gets involved. Relationships aren't like jobs: the best thing isn't to line up a replacement before you leave the one you hate.

Just going off that little snippet you've posted, I'd suggest she may be in a confused and vulnerable state. What contact method has she used? Is it possible to maintain a correspondence with her, in order to perhaps offer a little of the moral support without getting drawn into the mess itsef?

anonymous · 06-18-2009, 01:05 AM

contact was established on line and remains that way. We are both married with children. Neither of us wishes harm on our spouses. We both know that establishing the contact we desire would cause great harm to people who do not deserve it. We are agreed to restrain ourselves. We are not pleased at this.

Aliantha · 06-18-2009, 01:28 AM

Be careful how involved you get even if it is online. Chances are it'll come out eventually, and as we all know after some recent issues here, it can all work out pretty badly. Just be careful, if you truly don't wish to hurt your wife.

MoonFreckle · 06-18-2009, 06:56 AM

this lady sounds like maybe she "has to have a man"

...some people find it very scary going it alone.hell it is scary the older you get

..i'd take my time with it all if i were you

Clodfobble · 06-18-2009, 08:27 AM

Wives read email, dude. Don't even talk online, even if you're sure in your own head that it's innocuous. There is no way this ends well unless it ends right now, 100%.

classicman · 06-18-2009, 08:43 AM

Yeh I agree with Clod on that this has to end immediately. There is some attraction to going back to a simpler time, recapturing your youth, oh what could have been.... You're in your 40's right? TRUST ME! End it now. You got kids and a family that love you, whether you realize it or not. Put 10000% of your energy into that.

glatt · 06-18-2009, 09:05 AM

You already know the answer as evidenced by your using the anonymous account. You know contacting this woman is wrong. The best thing for you, for your marriage, and for your family is to cut all contact with this woman.

06-16-2009, 12:31 AM	#1
anonymous Operations Operative Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: in hiding Posts: 578	bleagh An old friend, a woman got in touch with me the other day. Turns out she still cares for me. She's in a bad marriage, why it's bad I don't know for sure. I didn't realize she loved me twenty years ago when we were teenagers. Even if I had, I was too fucked up to handle it. So what? So I want to go to her. That's a big problem.

06-16-2009, 12:39 AM	#2
Hoof Hearted ...you smell something? Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Monroe, GA Posts: 420	That is a big problem. I'd tell her you sympathize with her situation, but she needs to get herself untangled before you can commit to pursuing anything with her. It would be the only fair thing to do...it isn't fair of her to drag you through her mud puddle so you can be the rope she pulls herself out on. hh __________________ I have the ability of single-minded determination and focu...Hey, look! A horse!

06-16-2009, 12:46 AM	#3
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Exactly, she searched her past for someone she could use to save her from her "bad marriage". There's a reason you didn't know she loved you 20 years ago... she didn't. Run away. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

06-16-2009, 12:56 AM	#4
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	Ummm...are you currently married or in a relationship yourself? That's the big one for me. As to the rest, well, we all have someone in the past that we wonder 'what if' about. Ultimately there's usually a good reason it never worked out with them, but you do hear about people 'finding' eachother in later years and then living happily ever after. I'd be thinking about the reality of the situation and not getting caught up in the whole romance, white knight thing if I were you. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

06-16-2009, 12:56 AM	#5
ZenGum Doctor Wtf Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Badelaide, Baustralia Posts: 12,861	Teenage love seldom transfers well into adult love, after you've spent a decade or two on different paths. [/experience] __________________ Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl.

06-16-2009, 03:18 AM	#6
limey Encroaching on your decrees Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: An island within the south-west coast of Scotland Posts: 7,016	What does the prospect of "going to her" get you away from? That's what I think you should be thinking about. Oh, and what everyone else said, too. good luck! __________________ Living it up on the edge ... of civilisation, within the southwest coast of

06-16-2009, 04:30 AM	#8
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Anon - what Bruce said. I've been that woman. It didn't work out and hurt three people, only one of whom deserved it.

06-18-2009, 01:05 AM	#10
anonymous Operations Operative Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: in hiding Posts: 578	update contact was established on line and remains that way. We are both married with children. Neither of us wishes harm on our spouses. We both know that establishing the contact we desire would cause great harm to people who do not deserve it. We are agreed to restrain ourselves. We are not pleased at this.

06-18-2009, 01:28 AM	#11
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	Be careful how involved you get even if it is online. Chances are it'll come out eventually, and as we all know after some recent issues here, it can all work out pretty badly. Just be careful, if you truly don't wish to hurt your wife. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

06-18-2009, 06:56 AM	#12
MoonFreckle Aim 4 The Moon Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: at my computer Posts: 32	this lady sounds like maybe she "has to have a man"...some people find it very scary going it alone.hell it is scary the older you get..i'd take my time with it all if i were you __________________ "If all the worlds a stage, I want to operate the trap door!"

06-18-2009, 08:27 AM	#13
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	Wives read email, dude. Don't even talk online, even if you're sure in your own head that it's innocuous. There is no way this ends well unless it ends right now, 100%. __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

06-18-2009, 08:43 AM	#14
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Yeh I agree with Clod on that this has to end immediately. There is some attraction to going back to a simpler time, recapturing your youth, oh what could have been.... You're in your 40's right? TRUST ME! End it now. You got kids and a family that love you, whether you realize it or not. Put 10000% of your energy into that. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

06-18-2009, 09:05 AM	#15
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	You already know the answer as evidenced by your using the anonymous account. You know contacting this woman is wrong. The best thing for you, for your marriage, and for your family is to cut all contact with this woman.

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