Happiness is a Choice

[monster]

Couple weeks back, the managers' weekly meeting at work focused on inclusiveness and sensitivity -for example (these are the two that were given) being careful not to make comments about alcoholics or jokes about depression because you never know who is suffering/recovering.

Today I went into the staff break room to heat my lunch (I usually hid in my office) and saw the company equivalent of a motivational poster on the wall that read "Happiness is a choice". And I wondered about the sensitivity of that. Is it a choice? I suspect that if you're suffering from depression is isn't. And I suspect a sign that reads such is not very helpful. but I could just be seeking Butthurt for shits and grins. your thoughts?

[sexobon]

They probably felt the poster was safe because they weren't going to have anyone afflicted with being too happy.

[BigV]

Happiness is a choice, in my opinion.

Good health isn't as much of a choice as it's not possible to will oneself to be well, or to avoid illness, either physical or mental. I'm not a social worker or a psychologist or anything like a mental (or physical) health professional. But I do believe that happiness is rooted in one's response to events, not in the events themselves. And to the degree to which I'm able to control my own reaction, to *choose* my own response to my circumstances, I do believe that happiness is a choice.

Hmmm... let me try to say it another way. I *feel* happy when I recognize the good things in my life. When my focus is on the things that are not going well, happy is, heh, not what I feel. So, happiness is a feeling that I can make more likely for me to experience when I act a certain way. And I do believe my actions are active choices. They're not always good choices, they're not always thoughtful choices, they may be habitual choices, but they're choices I've made.

[sexobon]

Perhaps happiness is a choice to not be too choosy. If your not choosy at all you'll be happy with anything.

[Sundae]

I think happiness is a state of mind.
Because there are too many factors which can mean it is not an active choice. You can choose to make the best of things, yes. But that doesn't mean you will be happy.

Certainly (and of course I am talking specifically about my own experience) small things can make you happy if you choose to notice them. But mental health/ addiction/ living conditions/ finances can affect you far more immediately than any mental choice you make.

It is an interesting question though. I often do an inventory to find positive things to offset problems which start to overwhelm me. Positive thinking can be learned. Happiness? Still working on that.

[glatt]

Age old wisdom tells us to "count our blessings" and "look on the bright side of life." I think those things actually can make us more happy, but they aren't silver bullets.

I think the boss man's poster is aimed at the negative complainers we all encounter in our lives from time to time. Not at people suffering from depression. The poster is dumb though. It would mildly offend me if it was in my place of work. What are we, fucking children? And it will just make depressed people more depressed.

[infinite monkey]

Yeah, it's a dumb poster. I think it would make people who are struggling feel guilty for not feeling better, for not being 'more' than they are right then.

Of course one of the things we learn is to try very hard to count the good things in our lives. Some stupid poster isn't going to change that in either direction. Like, what, Imma have a V8 moment, slap my forehead, and say "Oh, I could've just chosen to be happy!"

[Gravdigr]

Happiness is not a choice. If it were, I would goddamn well choose to be happy, instead of being the way I am. Which wasn't chosen either, btw.

Stupid poster.

[DanaC]

Originally Posted by sexobon

Perhaps happiness is a choice to not be too choosy. If your not choosy at all you'll be happy with anything.

That is actually a really good point.

To say that happiness is a choice does not mean that it is always a choice, or that one's ability to choose to be happy is always available. But it also, I think, misconstrues happiness. It isn't so much that we choose to be happy - so much as choosing a kind of acceptance - possibly even contentment and enough self-awareness to know what will allow that. I think one of the most important things to learn in life is to not to be concerned with where you sit on the scale - not to be concerned about the things others have that you do not (setting aside absolute poverty obviously - difficult not to envy that guy's cupboard full of food if you skip-diving to feed the kids) - whether that is a wonderful spouse, children, wealth, better looks, nicer clothes a more fulfilling career etc.

Depression is a whole other beast. There are still choices to be made about state of mind - live with any form of depression for long enough and there will be times that you can feel its progression clearly enough to respond - but not always and for some people that's a rarity. And those choices are not ones of happiness versus unhappiness - they're about the coping strategies and tricks we learn, through experience or counselling, that can help us ride the storm.

But choosing to be happy? Take depression out of the equation and I think there is a large degree of choice involved. It may involve choosing to change direction because the life being lived is causing unhappiness - but it may also involve reframing that life, or understanding of what happiness means, to be able to be content.

Part of that is about managing our expectations. People say they want to be 'happy' and our culture emphasises personal happiness as an end goal. Our entertainment hammers it home constantly. So many of us are cynical about Hollywood happy endings - and yet, if we do not personally achieve the kind of happiness they sell, then we somehow absorb that as our own failure.

But what gets taught to us as 'happiness', from our childhoods and onward is really joy. A fleeting moment which cannot last.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Back in the day, I recall the common response to "Hey, how are you doing", or "How goes it", would usually be, "Fair to middlin'" or "Can't complain".
The attitude was not looking for happiness or joy, but aware that shit happens and quite satisfied with nothing out of the ordinary to bitch about.

Although not pleasant, potholes were expected, but blowouts sucked.

[BigV]

If happiness is not a choice, what is it then?

The inescapable result of circumstances? A transient emotional state? A reflex? A chance, random result of... ?

I know people, and I know you know people, who have been in a set of circumstances, sets of people, who for group A, circumstance X, are happy. And for group B, circumstance X, are not happy. How can it be the circumstances? (as much as you can compare group A and B and how ever matchy-matchy the circumstances appear).

I know that in my own life, there have been times where I reacted well (happily) to some news, and other times when I reacted badly to similar news. Or changed my opinion / feeling about the exact same news/event/change.

Perhaps you've heard "Boredom is a choice". I think I heard it first here in the cellar. I agree with that. Especially in the context of young kids "I'm booooorrred." (complete with eyeroll and giant sigh). aw. poor baby. What? No books in your world? No grass to roll in? No chores? No animals to play with? etc, etc, etc, etc. They're bored because they've focused on X and not Y. I think happiness is much the same.

**********

And another idea, sparked from xoB's comment.... Happy, compared to what? How happy I was last week/year/as a young man/etc? Happy compared to the Joneses? Or (heaven forfend), happy compared to some image from the media or advertising? (good luck with that, eh?). Happy compared to what?

[sexobon]

Originally Posted by BigV

If happiness is not a choice, what is it then? ...

... Perhaps you've heard "Boredom is a choice". They're bored because they've focused on X and not Y. I think happiness is much the same. ...

Or maybe happiness the opposite, when you can forget about the Y (why?) and simply enjoy.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Happy compared to before shit happened.
You can't say X happens to group A or B with uniform results, hence uniform reactions. The same shit affects everyone differently, for example...

If I come out of the market and have a flat tire, it's an aggravation. I've got a spare, and if I have the time AAA will come change it for me. Also if the tire is trash, I can buy a new one without a second thought.

Now single mom, with 2 kids in tow, comes out of the market with barely enough food to last till her empty SNAP account gets refilled, and $1.67 in her pocket. That same flat tire, it's a fucking catastrophe.

[Sundae]

Bruce says what I'm thinking, only betterer, yet again.

When I couldn't find where I was going in Leeds, it felt like the whole world was falling apart. I knew it was an over-reaction, and in the end, with the not inconsequential aid pf Carruthers' calming voice, I came back to a more normal hmmm-I-think-they-should-have-a-better-meeting-point reaction.

A few months back I would have retreated. Gone home and not even had the guided walk I paid for. Probably cried all the way home too, and felt sickened at myself as I did so. I did not choose my over-reaction. I shared it not for sympathy but as a window into my mental state, as I'm doing now.

Through learned skills, my own understanding of my reaction and kind help I was able to shake it off. I wouldnt have done previously. I won't even have to go through it in a few months more (I hope) because I'll be much more in control.

I see happiness in the same way.
I am more than pleased to take content, fair to middling, can't complain. And the blips are what are teaching me how to stay there more and more often. When I wake up and feel trapped, distressed, worthless, I now know it will pass. I have more than the vast majority of people in the world in terms of material wealth. I can choose dry, clean, well (if mundanely) fed, safely hydrated. Is this enough to make me happy? No. Will it suffice if it stops me spiralling down into drink and horror? Yes. Will happiness come? It's already here in fits and starts and moments.

It's the euphoria I have to watch for.

[DanaC]

Originally Posted by Sundae

I see happiness in the same way.
I am more than pleased to take content, fair to middling, can't complain. And the blips are what are teaching me how to stay there more and more often. When I wake up and feel trapped, distressed, worthless, I now know it will pass. I have more than the vast majority of people in the world in terms of material wealth. I can choose dry, clean, well (if mundanely) fed, safely hydrated. Is this enough to make me happy? No. Will it suffice if it stops me spiralling down into drink and horror? Yes. Will happiness come? It's already here in fits and starts and moments.

It's the euphoria I have to watch for.

Very well put.

See, for me: fair to middlin is happy. That's what I have realised over the years.

I try not to hanker after a life I will never lead/thought I should have been leading by now/see other people leading. Not always easy - took a conscious effort to just let all that shit go.

I know people who seem to live in a permanent state of envy. Of their friend's looks, their co-workers' youth and so on. Or who seem to inhabit a state of permanent underlying anger or disappointment. It's toxic. I remember that feeling. I went through a few years where that was my baseline.