Another Fight

[vrai_rennx]

Okay. So my girlfriend and I just got in another fight. This is like, the eighth time so far this month. The issue is always the same- She wants me to come out to my friends/family. It's not like we sneak around or anything. She lives in another city, and everyone over there knows she's gay, and her friends/family are okay with it. So when we go out, it's in her town. She sometimes comes over my house, but because I haven't officially come out as bi or anything, we just don't act like a couple over here. My mom doesn't know we're dating or anything, she just thinks she's a friend.

Normally everything's fine, but lately we keep getting in fights over this. She says things like I'm ashamed of her, or us, but I'm not! I'm just not ready to come out yet. When I meet new people in college I'll officially come out, but I just don't think my friends will be able to handle it. Mostly because I really only have friends of convenience.

We've broken up a couple times over this, but usually only for a couple days. Not real break-ups, just sort of she leaves in a huff or I do, and then one or the other calls and we apologize and kiss and make up. But I feel awful making her hide it when we're around my friends and stuff, especially since she's been out since her freshman year. (She's a senior in high school, and I'm a junior.)

I don't know that any of you have been in this situation or could offer me any advice on it, but anything would help. I'm really getting sick of fighting, but I don't want to break up with her. It's hard enough with her going to college within the next year, and I don't want to come out and then have to face it all alone once she leaves. I really don't know what to do.

[glatt]

If you aren't ready. You aren't ready. Don't let her pressure you into doing something you don't want to do.

[vrai_rennx]

It's not necessarily her pressuring me... It's just that she's sick of 'sneaking around', but I don't think that we are. Well, I mean, we are, kind of. But I don't know... I just kind of wanted an objective opinion on that, I guess.

[Iggy]

You are only a junior in high school? You are still very young yet to be making lifelong decisions. I tried the bisexuality thing when I was your age (I'm 22, so not much older now). How do you feel about your sexuality? Are you sure that you are where you want to be with it? There is still plenty of time for you to figure all that out with yourself. I never "came out" to my family because I didn't think it was any of their business. Most of my friends knew because my girlfriend went to school with me and they saw us together. Some of my friends from other schools didn't know, but if they asked I would be honest.

As of right now my attraction to women is partly physical. I couldn't be happy living with just a woman, I need a man in my life. When I am with a woman it is a friend I have known for years and it is more of an extension of our relationship then just for the sex. I have a very unique relationship with my sexuality, at least from what I have seen of others.

I think you might need more time to figure out exactly what you feel about your sexuality. She should understand that and respect it.

[Elspode]

Your sexuality is *yours*. If this is a love thing instead of a sex thing, then your partner needs to lighten up and stop creating problems by insisting that you come out. If it is just a sex thing, then toss it and find someone to do who has a little bit better view of the proverbial Big Picture.

It sounds to me as if *she* has a problem with her self-image if she's worried that you might be "ashamed" of her. She's projecting.

[vrai_rennx]

We haven't gotten into anything sexual yet besides a little heavy kissing. We talked about it and decided that's as far as we wanted to go as long as we were in high school.
But I'm pretty comfortable with my sexuality as far as this goes... For me who I'm attracted to isn't as much a function of gender as it is their personality. And to me, my girlfriend is amazing. The reason I don't want to come out isn't because I'm not sure or anything. It's just I don't want to deal with all the issues my friends/family will have.

Basically the issue comes down to the fact that she thinks we're hiding the relationship, and we are, but I don't think it's that big of a deal.

Grah. I don't know. I just kind of need to vent about this, and this is one of the few places I can.

[Hoof Hearted]

What IS the problem here?

It is that you are uncomfortable and not ready to reveal yourself to your friends/family at this time. This has nothing to do with her, it is all about you and your feelings. Sounds selfish, but it isn't. When you have sorted them out, they'll be sorted out. You are a teenager, you can't be expected to know everything all the time....though many teens think they do know it all.
If this person cared for you, she would respect your feelings and fears in this matter. The same way you are respecting hers. She wants to not sneak-around...you understand and feel accordingly, but you cannot change the way things are until you are READY to face the results of the announcement.

I think she is pressuring you unnecessarily. She may be comfortable, but you aren't her...you're you. She needs to love you for who you are and not try to make you change to suit her timetable.

I'd be saying the same thing if this were a boy/girl or husband/wife relationship, too. Respect and love don't try to change people to suit their ideals at the cost of the other person. Period.
hh

[morethanpretty]

Read "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky. And before anyone asks...yes books are my answer to everything because if they don't make you feel better you can always throw them at somebody. that is all. thankyou.

[xoxoxoBruce]

You're not hiding anything because you're not doing anything.
You do things together, hang out and talk with an occasional kiss. Not much the public would percieve as "couple" stuff, just seeing you together.

Sounds to me like your friend wants to rattle some cages at your expense. has she told her family?

[Aliantha]

Maybe your g/f is proud of you and wants everyone to know that you're together. Kind of a showing off my wonderful g/f type of thing? Maybe she wants to help you 'come out'? Maybe she wants to be there for you if your family is likely to give you a hard time. Maybe she's afraid that if you don't 'come out' you might all of a sudden decide to be with a boy instead. Life is confusing and a bit of a maze at the best of time, but even more so when you're still so young. Try to be patient with one another and talk about all aspects and consequences, not just the obvious ones. That's the only advice I have...pitiful as it is I'm sorry.

[Ibby]

I'm bi, but I'll admit I've never dated one of the boyfolk, and I am out of the closet to everyone... except my family, so I can see where youre coming from here.

Just tell your girl that its very wrong of her to try to pressure you into anything youre not ready for, whether its publicly coming out or having sex or ANYTHING. Tell her that you WILL come out, but when the time is right. And tell her it would be beyond stupid to let a silly thing like that come between you. And I'm sure youve already done all of that so this was probably no help at all.

If'n y'don't mind m'askin', 'owlong've y'two been goin'out?

[yesman065]

How the heck do you know if you are gay straight or bi at this point of your life?? You are what 16? 17? Gimme a break - you can't come out if you aren't sure. Duh! Maybe she wants you to come out cuz she doesn't want to be the only one - the old safety in numbers thing. Or perhaps you'll be a feather in her cap as in - "I converted nother one. Who knows? Thats the point - no one. But when you do you take the appropriate action for YOU, not her. Its your life and you have to live it - especially since she'll be gone in a year and you'll have to deal with the fallout - not her. Good luck.

[Stormieweather]

Be true to yourself. You have to do what is best for you and if you're not ready, then you're not ready.

I doubt if you're secure enough in your sexual orientation at this early age anyway, even if you think you are. It's too soon, in my opinion, to place yourself firmly in one camp or another. Leave your options open until you are a bit older, wiser and more experienced. That doesn't necessarily mean your feelings will be different, just that you realize that maturity can bring change.

Obviously you care for your girlfriend and want to please her. I would suggest a compromise (which you seem to be doing by default). In her town, with people she knows, you will openly be her partner. But in your town and school, you will keep your relationship a secret. That way, you both get as well as give up a little of what you want.

Someone who cares about your feelings will respect them and be willing to work with you to come to a reasonable solution without pushing to have it all their way. And vice versa, of course. But ultimately, you must do what is best for you.


Stormie

[vrai_rennx]

morethanpretty: I almost checked that book out from the library the other day, but then I didn't. Is it that good?

bruce: She's been out to her friends/family for a while. I think maybe one or two of her former friends reacted badly, but for the most part they backed her. It helped that she's also very much with the drama crowd, and 2 of the guys we hang out with at her school are gay, and one other girl's bi.

Ibram: October 16 will be our one-year as a couple, but we've been friends for longer than that. And yeah, my mom definitely did not take it well when she found out she was right about me being bi.

yesman: I'm 16, and I know I'm bi because I'm attracted to girls? And it's definitely not a safety in numbers issue... Like I said above, she has other gay friends. Which is why I don't mind being out around them. But my school is a different story.

Yeah, I don't think much of anything is going to change. Stuff's probably just gonna keep playing out as it has been. It sucks, though.

[Elspode]

I agree with Bruce...a little kissing doesn't make you a lesbian. I'm not real sure if it even makes you bi. It makes you a teenager playing about, figuring things out. Therefore, there really isn't much to come out *about*, so why the fuss?

Also, it might be worth mentioning that, should you "come out", you'll both have more male attention than you know what to do with, 'cause at that age, many of them will feel like it is their sworn young masculine duty to show you the benefits of meat injection over other forms of carnal entertainment. I seem to vaguely recall having feelings of that sort before I grew up and obtained a life, anyway. I doubt that the average 17 year old male is a whole lot more enlightened than we were at that age.

Sounds to me like your galpal is, in fact, looking for attention (of some sort) more than anything, here.