Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 201

Pie · 11-23-2009, 02:40 PM

Here's funny:
"President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass." --Conan O'Brien

john bainz · 11-24-2009, 02:00 AM

I just think they had an extra Nobel P.P. lying around and then anounce to the whole world how they were going to get rid of it.

classicman · 11-24-2009, 07:30 AM

For Merc. . .

A man seeking to join a South Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed. The sergeant conducting the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must complete before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "I want you to take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six terrorist extremists, Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton, Nancy Pelosi and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

jujuwwhite · 11-24-2009, 08:36 AM

Things you can only say at Thanksgiving without risking a "sexual harrassment" charge....

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Its Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll explode!

5. That's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some, there's plenty!

10. Don't play with your meat!

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in!

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin!

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when the little thing pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. That piece is so big I can't get my mouth around it!

and #20.....Do you want my left overs?

BrianR · 11-24-2009, 09:58 PM

MARTIAN SEX !!

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars (after they have
accumulated enough frequent flier miles). Here, they meet a Martian
couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, laptop computers, how do they
make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you two do it?" asks Maureen.

"Pretty much the way you do." the Martian responds.

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap for the
night and experience one another's styles!

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the male
strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie...about half an inch long and a
quarter inch think.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen!

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm.

With each slap of his forehead, his unit grows until it's quite
impressively long.

"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."

"No problem,"he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,
his unit grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is
extremely exciting to the woman!

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made very mad,
passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go on their
separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any
good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful! How
about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!"

BrianR · 11-24-2009, 10:00 PM

DONT FART IN BED

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of
farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water
and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off
because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one
Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and
he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had
put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare
parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound
asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of
turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she
had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said,
"Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some
Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

BrianR · 11-24-2009, 10:01 PM

Premature Ejaculation

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided
to go to the doctor.

He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In
response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready
to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter
pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two
began, they found themselves in the 69 position.

The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired
the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How
did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife
peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out
of the closet with his hands in the air!"

BrianR · 11-24-2009, 10:03 PM

I should have stopped for a sec to think
Before I decided to just click that link
Hey, Yahoo is where all the fun is at
What's this thing that they call chat?
I was unprepared for what I had in store
Just as soon as I entered that little door
An adventure of sorts that was for sure
What can I say I was so innocent and pure!
Now don't laugh at me yet I just got started
Telling you my story of the world uncharted
At first I wasn't sure exactly what to think
Little did I know I would soon need a shrink
All I could see were words on the screen
Thinking to myself, "What does all this mean"
I began to hear many different voices speaking
As soon as I heard this I just started freaking
I observed these people and I started to learn
Midnight hours I was begining to burn
No one told me yahoo was so addicting
With my real life it began conflicting
Naive I was because I believed them all
I didn't know my heart was subject to fall
I can't believe the things people would say
Do they come here and act like this every day?
The cam invites came out of no where
I could accept them if I should dare
Man I wish I hadn't looked at this prick
Oh god, what is that he is about to lick?
I was asked if I would get naked on cam
Oh my lord, I think it is time I scram
I saw a Canadian not wearing any drawers
I am pretty sure they sell those in stores
The more I sit here the stranger they get
Did I just hear someone on the mic howling?
One guy asked, "Do you swallow or spit"
Must be the right time for midnight prowling
Anything can happen this is yahoo you know
But I am certain I don't want another cam show
I just heard a moaning contest on the mic
Now this kind of chat I can assuredly like
The winner even made my toes curl
She sent my sensual desires for a whirl

Hot seat is a game that they all like to play
Most assured a fun game until it goes astray
Strange things may occur in here for sure
But some of these people seem so pure
Trust is something that is hard to find
A true heart seems to be a rare find
People are real, this I learned from the start
Emotions and feelings run deep in their hearts
Personalities of many you will find in here
Some of them are close and I hold them dear

I think I enjoy this Yahoo place too much
I seem to use it as my everyday crutch
Well it is that time for me to stop rambling
Just thought I would share my bit of gambling

skysidhe · 11-25-2009, 09:22 AM

Taken from a screen shot I stumbled upon.

How to frustrate a perv or the wrong way to catch one.

Connecting to server....
Looking for someone to chat with. Hang on.
Now you're chatting with a random stranger. Say hi.

Stranger: u male or female
You: female
Stranger: u horny
You: was that a question
Stranger:yea
You: try one of these next time...>?
Stranger:wat
Stranger: oh this?
Stranger:you horny?
You: better ...but still not a complete sentence
Stranger:r u horny?
Stranger:R u horny?
You: so close yet so far... r and u are not words
Stranger: are you horny?
You: almost there!
Stranger: Are you horny?
You: no

you have disconnected

ZenGum · 11-26-2009, 06:28 PM

I may not be horny yet, but grammar is such a turn-on. Oooh yeah baby, would you like to visit my abode and parse my sentences?

skysidhe · 11-26-2009, 08:08 PM

The funny part was it was an screen capture of an actual conversation but I wasn't able to upload it.

skysidhe · 11-26-2009, 08:11 PM

capnhowdy · 11-29-2009, 06:44 AM

A seal walks into a bar and the bartender asks "What'll you have"?

The seal replies "Doesn't really matter. Surprise me. Anything but a Canadian Club".

jujuwwhite · 11-29-2009, 07:11 AM

Name: safesex.jpg
Views: 376
Size: 46.4 KB

TheMercenary · 11-29-2009, 07:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman

For Merc. . .

11-23-2009, 02:40 PM	#3001
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	Here's funny: "President Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee said they gave it to Obama partly for his idealism and commitment to global cooperation, but mostly for calling Kanye West a jackass." --Conan O'Brien __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

11-24-2009, 02:00 AM	#3002
john bainz Mystical Miscreant Join Date: Jul 2009 Posts: 46	I'm not so sure I just think they had an extra Nobel P.P. lying around and then anounce to the whole world how they were going to get rid of it.

11-24-2009, 07:30 AM	#3003
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	For Merc. . . A man seeking to join a South Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed. The sergeant conducting the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must complete before you can be accepted." Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "I want you to take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six terrorist extremists, Jessie Jackson, Al Sharpton, Nancy Pelosi and a rabbit." "Why the rabbit?" "Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?" __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

11-24-2009, 08:36 AM	#3004
jujuwwhite Capnhowdy's #1 smasher Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Rentz, GA Posts: 339	Things you can only say at Thanksgiving without risking a "sexual harrassment" charge.... 1. Talk about a huge breast! 2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3. Its Cool Whip time! 4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll explode! 5. That's one terrific spread! 6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Are you ready for seconds yet? 8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some, there's plenty! 10. Don't play with your meat! 11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in! 12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14. You still have a little bit on your chin! 15. How long will it take after you stick it in? 16. You'll know it's ready when the little thing pops up. 17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that! 18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen! 19. That piece is so big I can't get my mouth around it! and #20.....Do you want my left overs? __________________ I don't suffer from insanity...i enjoy every moment of it.

11-24-2009, 09:58 PM	#3005
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	MARTIAN SEX !! The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars (after they have accumulated enough frequent flier miles). Here, they meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, laptop computers, how do they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you two do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do." the Martian responds. A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap for the night and experience one another's styles! Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the male strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie...about half an inch long and a quarter inch think. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen! "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his unit grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow." "No problem,"he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his unit grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman! "Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made very mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go on their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful! How about you?" "It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears!" __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

11-24-2009, 10:00 PM	#3006
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	DONT FART IN BED This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

11-24-2009, 10:01 PM	#3007
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	Premature Ejaculation A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!" __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

11-24-2009, 10:03 PM	#3008
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	I should have stopped for a sec to think Before I decided to just click that link Hey, Yahoo is where all the fun is at What's this thing that they call chat? I was unprepared for what I had in store Just as soon as I entered that little door An adventure of sorts that was for sure What can I say I was so innocent and pure! Now don't laugh at me yet I just got started Telling you my story of the world uncharted At first I wasn't sure exactly what to think Little did I know I would soon need a shrink All I could see were words on the screen Thinking to myself, "What does all this mean" I began to hear many different voices speaking As soon as I heard this I just started freaking I observed these people and I started to learn Midnight hours I was begining to burn No one told me yahoo was so addicting With my real life it began conflicting Naive I was because I believed them all I didn't know my heart was subject to fall I can't believe the things people would say Do they come here and act like this every day? The cam invites came out of no where I could accept them if I should dare Man I wish I hadn't looked at this prick Oh god, what is that he is about to lick? I was asked if I would get naked on cam Oh my lord, I think it is time I scram I saw a Canadian not wearing any drawers I am pretty sure they sell those in stores The more I sit here the stranger they get Did I just hear someone on the mic howling? One guy asked, "Do you swallow or spit" Must be the right time for midnight prowling Anything can happen this is yahoo you know But I am certain I don't want another cam show I just heard a moaning contest on the mic Now this kind of chat I can assuredly like The winner even made my toes curl She sent my sensual desires for a whirl Hot seat is a game that they all like to play Most assured a fun game until it goes astray Strange things may occur in here for sure But some of these people seem so pure Trust is something that is hard to find A true heart seems to be a rare find People are real, this I learned from the start Emotions and feelings run deep in their hearts Personalities of many you will find in here Some of them are close and I hold them dear I think I enjoy this Yahoo place too much I seem to use it as my everyday crutch Well it is that time for me to stop rambling Just thought I would share my bit of gambling __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

11-25-2009, 09:22 AM	#3009
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	Taken from a screen shot I stumbled upon. How to frustrate a perv or the wrong way to catch one. Connecting to server.... Looking for someone to chat with. Hang on. Now you're chatting with a random stranger. Say hi. Stranger: u male or female You: female Stranger: u horny You: was that a question Stranger:yea You: try one of these next time...>? Stranger:wat Stranger: oh this? Stranger:you horny? You: better ...but still not a complete sentence Stranger:r u horny? Stranger:R u horny? You: so close yet so far... r and u are not words Stranger: are you horny? You: almost there! Stranger: Are you horny? You: no you have disconnected

11-26-2009, 06:28 PM	#3010
ZenGum Doctor Wtf Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Badelaide, Baustralia Posts: 12,861	I may not be horny yet, but grammar is such a turn-on. Oooh yeah baby, would you like to visit my abode and parse my sentences? __________________ Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl.

11-26-2009, 08:08 PM	#3011
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	The funny part was it was an screen capture of an actual conversation but I wasn't able to upload it.

11-26-2009, 08:11 PM	#3012
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	poor emma

11-29-2009, 06:44 AM	#3013
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	A seal walks into a bar and the bartender asks "What'll you have"? The seal replies "Doesn't really matter. Surprise me. Anything but a Canadian Club". __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

11-29-2009, 07:11 AM	#3014
jujuwwhite Capnhowdy's #1 smasher Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Rentz, GA Posts: 339	Is this how's it done? __________________ I don't suffer from insanity...i enjoy every moment of it.

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