Getting a friend help - Page 2

piercehawkeye45 · 02-15-2010, 11:33 AM

This is what has been happening consistently. He will do some extremely asshole-ish move when he is drunk. Then, the next dat he will remember the event except everything he did that would be considered an asshole move. Or, he will downplay it to the point where he does not consider it his fault.

I have stopped hanging around him for the past few months for this reason (and others) but he followed the group I was this weekend so I forced to be near him.

Maybe you would still consider that in denial. But it is the fact that he has a very selective drunk memory. I don't think it is him consciously justifying himself either because he is usually honest about times he messes up.

jinx · 02-15-2010, 12:42 PM

The selective memory thing is bullshit, don't buy into it for one more second. It's manipulation.
It's much easier to pretend you don't remember things, or remember them differently, than to take responsibility for shitty actions.
It's easier for his friends to just let it slide than rub his nose in what he's done.

piercehawkeye45 · 02-15-2010, 01:12 PM

For 99% of people I would agree with you Jinx but, not to be difficult, this guy does not act like anyone I have ever met before. Most people I can figure out why they do stuff and this guy leaves me, and all my other friends, in the dark.

First, he is very good at owning up with apologies if he realizes he does something wrong. If you yell at him for doing something stupid he will apologize for it even if he is not fully convinced he is wrong. The problem I have with him is that he will continue to do whatever he did and becomes a cycle of apologies and nothing being learned. This could be seen as manipulation but he only pushes people away by doing this so if it is purposeful, I do not see the logic behind it.

Two, he never really argues against our accusations or tries to defend himself. He, at least outwardly, seems to take our word over what he thinks he remembers.

Of course, he could be trying to manipulate us but then he would be the worst manipulator in the world since none of us give a shit about his intentions and focus on actions.

You may still be right Jinx but based on this individual situation, I disagree. Every other time I have heard the "I don't remember" line I don't change my stance. I then tell them to not drink as much.

But, as an update, I chewed him out for about 30 minutes this morning about him being an asshole to people. He sent a mass text out saying that he is sorry if he hurt anyone and that he realizes he has a problem. I've seen him do the mass apology thing but never seen him say he has a problem this openly. Still, I'm going to take everything he says with a grain of salt until I actually see his actions change and even then, I'm not planning on living with him next year.

Oh, and just as heads up. Even if I defend myself against a point doesn't mean I shoot it down altogether. Much of the advice I have gotten I have integrated into what I actually did or plan to do. I don't mean to come off as shooting down everyone's advice or thinking my situation is so much different then everyone else's because I do not actually act in that way. I want to thank everyone for the input so far. It has helped greatly even if I have not shown it.

squirell nutkin · 02-15-2010, 11:21 PM

Sounds like you met the 1 in a million Olympic champion manipulator. As I said earlier, go to a few AA meetings or Al Anon Meetings or ACOA meetings and you will meet and or hear about an assload of people who will make your friend seem like a cub scout.

He's nothing special, you just haven't lived long enough yet to meet more of his legion.

Keep your distance until your lease is up, then make yourself scarce. Good Luck.

lookout123 · 02-16-2010, 12:15 AM

Write this kid off and quit buying the bullshit. Maybe getting the shit kicked out of him in the legal system will give him reason enough to get his act together. Maybe not. Either way it isn't your problem unless you choose to adopt it as your problem in which case you are just enabling him.

xoxoxoBruce · 02-16-2010, 12:27 AM

Just to be safe, shoot him with a silver bullet, drive a stake through his heart, and don't leave a forwarding address.

monster · 02-16-2010, 06:59 AM

....oh, and buttfuck him in the mouth.....

squirell nutkin · 02-16-2010, 07:18 AM

With a massive dose of gayness...

piercehawkeye45 · 02-16-2010, 10:08 AM

He signed up for university counseling. We'll just have to see if anything changes.

monster · 02-16-2010, 05:23 PM

probably a condition of his bail

piercehawkeye45 · 02-16-2010, 07:30 PM

No it wasn't.

lookout123 · 02-16-2010, 08:02 PM

That is simply a maneuver to appeal for mercy when he gets to court. "see your honor, I had a problem but I'm getting it fixed now".

it is the poor people's version of a trip to hollywood rehab.

wolf · 02-17-2010, 10:45 AM

Too obvious, I know, but he shouldn't be consistently doing stuf that he needs to apologize for.

Safest thing to do is stand back and watch him self-destruct, keep the D&A treatment phone numbers handy, and offer them if he asks.

Hope the university counseling center works for him, or at least gives him enough of a head start that he can find a way to succeed.

jinx · 02-17-2010, 11:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wolf

Interventions do not work like on TV

I love the intervention show, it makes me feel so together and normal.

Ever seen the Sunny in Philly intervention episode? I swear it's the funniest thing I've ever seen on television.
Watch it.

monster · 02-17-2010, 02:27 PM

that links to a load of shitty surveys and spam links, jinx.

02-15-2010, 11:33 AM	#16
piercehawkeye45 Franklin Pierce Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Minnesota Posts: 3,695	This is what has been happening consistently. He will do some extremely asshole-ish move when he is drunk. Then, the next dat he will remember the event except everything he did that would be considered an asshole move. Or, he will downplay it to the point where he does not consider it his fault. I have stopped hanging around him for the past few months for this reason (and others) but he followed the group I was this weekend so I forced to be near him. Maybe you would still consider that in denial. But it is the fact that he has a very selective drunk memory. I don't think it is him consciously justifying himself either because he is usually honest about times he messes up. __________________ I like my perspectives like I like my baseball caps: one size fits all.

02-15-2010, 12:42 PM	#17
jinx Come on, cat. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: general vicinity of Philadelphia area Posts: 7,013	The selective memory thing is bullshit, don't buy into it for one more second. It's manipulation. It's much easier to pretend you don't remember things, or remember them differently, than to take responsibility for shitty actions. It's easier for his friends to just let it slide than rub his nose in what he's done. __________________ Crying won't help you, praying won't do you no good.

02-15-2010, 01:12 PM	#18
piercehawkeye45 Franklin Pierce Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Minnesota Posts: 3,695	For 99% of people I would agree with you Jinx but, not to be difficult, this guy does not act like anyone I have ever met before. Most people I can figure out why they do stuff and this guy leaves me, and all my other friends, in the dark. First, he is very good at owning up with apologies if he realizes he does something wrong. If you yell at him for doing something stupid he will apologize for it even if he is not fully convinced he is wrong. The problem I have with him is that he will continue to do whatever he did and becomes a cycle of apologies and nothing being learned. This could be seen as manipulation but he only pushes people away by doing this so if it is purposeful, I do not see the logic behind it. Two, he never really argues against our accusations or tries to defend himself. He, at least outwardly, seems to take our word over what he thinks he remembers. Of course, he could be trying to manipulate us but then he would be the worst manipulator in the world since none of us give a shit about his intentions and focus on actions. You may still be right Jinx but based on this individual situation, I disagree. Every other time I have heard the "I don't remember" line I don't change my stance. I then tell them to not drink as much. But, as an update, I chewed him out for about 30 minutes this morning about him being an asshole to people. He sent a mass text out saying that he is sorry if he hurt anyone and that he realizes he has a problem. I've seen him do the mass apology thing but never seen him say he has a problem this openly. Still, I'm going to take everything he says with a grain of salt until I actually see his actions change and even then, I'm not planning on living with him next year. Oh, and just as heads up. Even if I defend myself against a point doesn't mean I shoot it down altogether. Much of the advice I have gotten I have integrated into what I actually did or plan to do. I don't mean to come off as shooting down everyone's advice or thinking my situation is so much different then everyone else's because I do not actually act in that way. I want to thank everyone for the input so far. It has helped greatly even if I have not shown it. __________________ I like my perspectives like I like my baseball caps: one size fits all.

02-15-2010, 11:21 PM	#19
squirell nutkin has a second hand user title Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: in a Nut House Posts: 2,017	Sounds like you met the 1 in a million Olympic champion manipulator. As I said earlier, go to a few AA meetings or Al Anon Meetings or ACOA meetings and you will meet and or hear about an assload of people who will make your friend seem like a cub scout. He's nothing special, you just haven't lived long enough yet to meet more of his legion. Keep your distance until your lease is up, then make yourself scarce. Good Luck. __________________ And now I'm finished posting.

02-16-2010, 12:15 AM	#20
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	Write this kid off and quit buying the bullshit. Maybe getting the shit kicked out of him in the legal system will give him reason enough to get his act together. Maybe not. Either way it isn't your problem unless you choose to adopt it as your problem in which case you are just enabling him. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

02-16-2010, 12:27 AM	#21
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Just to be safe, shoot him with a silver bullet, drive a stake through his heart, and don't leave a forwarding address. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

02-16-2010, 06:59 AM	#22
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	....oh, and buttfuck him in the mouth..... __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

02-16-2010, 07:18 AM	#23
squirell nutkin has a second hand user title Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: in a Nut House Posts: 2,017	With a massive dose of gayness... __________________ And now I'm finished posting.

02-16-2010, 10:08 AM	#24
piercehawkeye45 Franklin Pierce Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Minnesota Posts: 3,695	He signed up for university counseling. We'll just have to see if anything changes. __________________ I like my perspectives like I like my baseball caps: one size fits all.

02-16-2010, 05:23 PM	#25
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	probably a condition of his bail __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

02-16-2010, 07:30 PM	#26
piercehawkeye45 Franklin Pierce Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Minnesota Posts: 3,695	No it wasn't. __________________ I like my perspectives like I like my baseball caps: one size fits all.

02-16-2010, 08:02 PM	#27
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	That is simply a maneuver to appeal for mercy when he gets to court. "see your honor, I had a problem but I'm getting it fixed now". it is the poor people's version of a trip to hollywood rehab. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

02-17-2010, 10:45 AM	#28
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Too obvious, I know, but he shouldn't be consistently doing stuf that he needs to apologize for. Safest thing to do is stand back and watch him self-destruct, keep the D&A treatment phone numbers handy, and offer them if he asks. Hope the university counseling center works for him, or at least gives him enough of a head start that he can find a way to succeed. __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

02-17-2010, 02:27 PM	#30
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	that links to a load of shitty surveys and spam links, jinx. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

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