Jealousy, trust, and diaries

[Pie]

A more charitable reading:
"Your hormones drive you to find the hottest woman you can find. But don't
be so shallow, a woman's better qualities may not be obvious on the surface. Take the time to look at the non-obvious choices."

It's also true that hot ones (of either gender) that are not in a committed relationship are more likely to have ...issues. Basic statistical kinetics.

[freshnesschronic]

So back on topic.......
Basically man, you can't change people or their behaivor but you already know that. You can tell them how it makes you feel, but it's ultimately up to them to take control of their part of the relationship. Feel me?
Love isn't enough, sometimes. It's true. There are sometimes more complicating factors that don't allow love to overcome everytime. Sorry boys and girls.

[Spexxvet]

Originally Posted by Predicament

...If you're a jealous person and you spend all your energy LOOKING for something, you WILL find something to be jealous about. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
...

Dude, if she's this way now, imagine how she'll be when she finds out about all the GUYS you've had sex with! Not that there's anything wrong with that.

[TheMercenary]

"Baggage", exactly. A common term in my house. Everyone has it. The question is how much can you live with and how much of the other persons baggage are you going to be expected to carry. There is definitely a point of diminishing returns.

[footfootfoot]

Originally Posted by Spexxvet

Dude, if she's this way now, imagine how she'll be when she finds out about all the GUYS you've had sex with! Not that there's anything wrong with that.

[Hime]

Personal story:

I met my fiance, who is several years older than me, on a message board where he had something of a reputation for being a player. Before we started talking to each other, I'd seen plenty of pictures of him posing with cute girls at parties and conventions, and, since I didn't think of myself as a "hottie," figured that he would have no interest in me. Most of the women in the pictures were very shapely and dressed in sexy outfits.

When he first approached me and started flirting with me, I was very surprised and figured that it would last just about until he found out what I looked like. Turns out I was wrong. But it took me quite a while to accept that I didn't have to compete with the girls that he had dated previously. I kept thinking that he was just dating me because he felt like he should grow up and have a "serious" relationship (i.e. one with low physical attraction). It's sometimes difficult to realize how other people see you. Since that time I have come to the shocking realization that lots of people find me attractive, but for a long time I really didn't believe that someone could see me that way. Maybe your girlfriend has similar insecurities?

It was a similar situation to the one you describe, Predicament, in that he had dated quite a few women but had never been in love, and most of the relationships had been very short. He is very confident and if he saw a woman who looked cute, he had no problem asking her out to dinner! Totally unlike me; I've always been one to obsess about someone for weeks before making a move. It was difficult for me to accept at first that his relationship with me was different not because I was less attractive physically than the past girlfriends, but because there were other aspects to the relationship besides physical attraction.

In summation, I don't blame your gf for being nervous about this. While she was out of line to guess your password instead of just talking to you, it is scary for those of us with limited sexual experience to think about our partners being with someone else! She probably does not think of herself as very sexy, or worries that her lack of experience means that she is not as good in bed.

If you really love her, you aren't going to dump her based on the advice of random internet people. But you should talk to her about her anxieties and what she can do to feel more confident. If I were her, I would most want to hear that you feel lucky to be with a woman like her and that you think about her all the time. Reassure her that you choose her over other women, but let her know that she is hurting both of you by obsessing over your past and that she needs to find the confidence to let it go. Let her know that you will help her with that however you can.

Whatever you do, please don't use the "you are attractive, but your insecurity is unattractive" line. I hate that one because it sends the message that she isn't allowed to talk about her anxieties, which will just make them worse.

Good luck!

[Hime]

Originally Posted by rkzenrage

I did not read it that way at all.
"Beautiful" women often come with baggage that more dowdy women, who do not work at being fashionable and outwardly attractive do not come with. I agree with this... we definitely read it in two different ways.

I think everyone deserves to be with someone who finds them attractive. I never advise my friends to settle for someone who they think is plain or homely, because that person deserves to feel attractive, too.

Hey, I never thought I'd get a hot guy, but I never settled for "oh well he has a nice sense of humor"... and lo and behold a gorgeous former Marine decided to propose to me! If you hold out for good chemistry (which doesn't mean that they're America's Next Top Model, just that they make you tingly in the pink parts), you will eventually find it.

Attractive, based on your idea and ideal and something you are basing on a social construct and competition with the world and those around you are two, incredibly, different things.
Please, see my post on what I see as attractive and why.

Jealousy is not insecurity, it is a lack of trust.

[Hime]

Originally Posted by rkzenrage

Attractive, based on your idea and ideal and something you are basing on a social construct and competition with the world and those around you are two, incredibly, different things.
Please, see my post on what I see as attractive and why.

Jealousy is not insecurity, it is a lack of trust.

Wow, way to read everything I post as a personal attack on you.

I don't agree with your views about attractiveness. I don't think that a person should pursue a relationship with someone he views as "dowdy," because no one should have to be in a relationship with someone who thinks something like that about them. To me, that's like settling -- saying that someone isn't perfect, but they're good enough and you can't expect better. I know people who believe that they have to settle to be in a relationship, and they aren't healthy people -- they are too unhappy with themselves to accept being alone even for a little while. It is simply more healthy to be willing to wait for someone who excites you.

Maybe you, personally, are excited by the more low-maintenance type who don't work out or wear a lot of makeup or anything. That's fine. Personally, I prefer girls who have a strong personal style and put some effort into it. To me, that is just a difference of taste, not a difference between whether someone is "beautiful" or not. Both types can be beautiful.

And jealousy does not necessarily mean a lack of trust. You can be jealous that your SO finds someone else attractive without actually believing that they would cheat on you.

LOL, you sure read a lot into posts and make it into things on your own. I never stated anything personal or made any specific remarks that you could interpret to mean that in any way.
If you don't think they will cheat, there is no reason to be jealous.

[Hime]

Originally Posted by rkzenrage

LOL, you sure read a lot into posts and make it into things on your own. I never stated anything personal or made any specific remarks that you could interpret to mean that in any way.
If you don't think they will cheat, there is no reason to be jealous.

Sure you can. You can think that the person is more attractive than you, or just think that your SO is spending time thinking about that person when you would rather they were thinking about you.

There has to be a "why" to all of that.
My wife has several male friends, always has. They go to concerts and movies I find shitty, go to dinner and hang-out. Some of these guys are not my friends at all, just acquaintances. The idea that the time she is spending with them is "mine" or time can be owned is insane to me. I have had female friends and the situation is the same, if it were not I would leave her.
If someone is going to cheat, they are going to cheat, acting like a head-case is a sure-fire way to push them to it and find out quickly what if feels like to get cheated on or left.

What someone is thinking cannot be changed or altered and is such a paranoid thing to worry about that if one finds themselves fixated upon it, it is, seriously, time to get help.

Of course if someone sees someone attractive they are going to have lustful, primal, normal thoughts about that person... good, your SO is not dead or broken.
We point them out to each other all the time.

[freshnesschronic]

Cliche, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

[Aliantha]

When I see a hot guy I usually say something about him being spunky or something like it.

Hubby never says if he thinks other women are hot.

I think he thinks I'm insecure.

I don't think I am.

[Predicament]

Hime... actually you had a good string of posts. It reminded me of a past conversation I've had with my SO going back to the theme of confidence and insecurities. Basically it's the fact that she's always trying to so hard to be something "better". She had this drive to prove to me that she was better in every way than any girl I'd ever dated in the past. It'd drive her crazy. Is she better looking? Better cook? Sexier? Better in bed? Conversationalist? And on and on. She'd obsess that every little thing she did I was comparing to some girl in my past and measuring her to that standard.

I can understand why it'd get frustrating. My message: this isn't some race. You're not on some metaphorical race-track trying to outrun every woman in my past to prove you're #1. You've already won. Stop running. Just be you, and be happy. That's a lot more enjoyable for both of us.

Easy to say. Harder to live by. But she's trying.