Tales from the Nuthouse: Lest You Think I have a Really Cool Job

wolf · 04-07-2005, 01:17 AM

Tonight's adventure involved a now-sobered-up-enough-to-talk-to drunk. He had actually been hauled in a couple of days ago, but was too drunk to evaluate. He was even too drunk to really haul in ... got picked up at his house and taken to a medical hospital without us even seeing him to make sure he needed to go to medical. What he had been doing was not in any way interesting or spectacular. Threatening to shoot himself "if he had a gun."

Were it not for some ethical and legal issues, I'd be willing to help him out.

Anyway, this drunk has a long history of being a drunk.

During one of his drunken escapades many years ago he suffered injuries that left him a paraplegic. He gets around in a wheelchair, and has tempted several police departments into wanting to issue a DUI as he rolls his way up a four lane highway against the flow of traffic. Unfortunately, they don't ever follow through on this and tend to bring him to my hospital.

So, anyway, he comes in tonight after two days of sobering up in a nice medical bed. I end up dealing with him and listen to his story of distress and woe over some recent losses, including his "little buddy" (a neighbor's dog that died unexpectedly), the Pope, and an ex-girlfriend, his last girlfriend before his injury. He found it necessary to explain how he was "broken" below the waist, and was "no good to a woman any more."

I sincerely doubt that he was much good to a woman before that, frankly.

So, what's the real point of the story here, you might be wondering?

I didn't have any male staff available, and drunken asshole decides that he needs to urinate. This involves some mechanical assistance. He has a catheter which thankfully he is able to insert himself.

I was hoping to just leave him with his tubing and a plastic urinal, but no such luck. The damn thing kept falling over as he tried to get things set up.

So there I was, holding one of those elongated pee-pee bottles, and working very, very hard to maintain eye contact with him as he was shoving a small bore hose through the ureter of his flaccid, nonfunctional unit.

On the upside, I did not get any urine on me.

Trilby · 04-07-2005, 09:14 AM

Ah, come on, wolf! Not so bad! I've done it thousands of times and with working units, to boot! Ya know what's really fun? Scrotal ultrasounds--ya gotta tape the big buddy up and out of the way so you can scan the twins! Fun!

wolf · 04-07-2005, 10:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brianna

Ah, come on, wolf! Not so bad! I've done it thousands of times and with working units, to boot! Ya know what's really fun? Scrotal ultrasounds--ya gotta tape the big buddy up and out of the way so you can scan the twins! Fun!

I went to school extra so I didn't have to do stuff like this.

I am not a nurse. I respect nurses. (most of them. the ones that aren't dirt stupid, the ones who don't prepare to do something very, very wrong in a medical sense of the word, and preface it with "I'm a nurse and I know." You get this more in older (over 50) psych nurses since they are so far removed from their nursing skills and training you really wouldn't trust them to do a bed bath.)

russotto · 04-07-2005, 03:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brianna

Ya know what's really fun? Scrotal ultrasounds--ya gotta tape the big buddy up and out of the way so you can scan the twins! Fun!

Um. That might be bad for the tech or nurse, but it's REALLY bad for the subject. Well, the taping might not be so bad but removing it.... YEEOWWW.

Elspode · 04-08-2005, 06:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by russotto

Um. That might be bad for the tech or nurse, but it's REALLY bad for the subject. Well, the taping might not be so bad but removing it.... YEEOWWW.

Sadly, there are people in the USA right now somewhere who pay a substantial sum of money to anyone willing to do this to them while calling them "babydoll" at the same time.

404Error · 04-08-2005, 10:05 PM

I wouldn't say I pay a substantial sum....oh wait...nevermind.

Carry on.

richlevy · 04-09-2005, 03:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elspode

Sadly, there are people in the USA right now somewhere who pay a substantial sum of money to anyone willing to do this to them while calling them "babydoll" at the same time.

And thats not counting the cost of the Secret Service's background checks.

*now that could be a Clinton, Bush Sr., or Bush Jr. joke, so I don't need to hear any partisan whining.

chainsaw · 04-07-2005, 09:26 AM

I thought cleaning the "science projects" out of our office refrigerator was bad. You're a bigger woman than I, wolf. I really don't think I could have done that.

OnyxCougar · 04-07-2005, 09:35 AM

That's why wolf is the Woah-man!

Undertoad · 04-07-2005, 10:44 AM

I had a scrotal ultrasound, and no nurse taped my unit in any way. I feel left out!

Trilby · 04-07-2005, 11:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Undertoad

I had a scrotal ultrasound, and no nurse taped my unit in any way. I feel left out!

SHhhhhhhh!

SteveDallas · 04-07-2005, 01:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Undertoad

I had a scrotal ultrasound, and no nurse taped my unit in any way. I feel left out!

I've got to think that's better. I mean, wouldn't the untaping hurt, regardless of who was doing it??

BigV · 04-07-2005, 01:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SteveDallas

I've got to think that's better. I mean, wouldn't the untaping hurt, regardless of who was doing it??

depends...one way to get gum out of hair is to use some vegetable oil. you do the math.

Jacquelita · 04-08-2005, 06:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Undertoad

I had a scrotal ultrasound, and no nurse taped my unit in any way. I feel left out!

I think I know where I can find some tape....

BigV · 04-08-2005, 06:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Undertoad

I had a scrotal ultrasound, and no nurse taped my unit in any way. I feel left out!

Can you say "hydrocoelectomy"? Actually, it's easy to say, but hard to spell.

04-07-2005, 01:17 AM	#1
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Tales from the Nuthouse: Lest You Think I have a Really Cool Job Tonight's adventure involved a now-sobered-up-enough-to-talk-to drunk. He had actually been hauled in a couple of days ago, but was too drunk to evaluate. He was even too drunk to really haul in ... got picked up at his house and taken to a medical hospital without us even seeing him to make sure he needed to go to medical. What he had been doing was not in any way interesting or spectacular. Threatening to shoot himself "if he had a gun." Were it not for some ethical and legal issues, I'd be willing to help him out. Anyway, this drunk has a long history of being a drunk. During one of his drunken escapades many years ago he suffered injuries that left him a paraplegic. He gets around in a wheelchair, and has tempted several police departments into wanting to issue a DUI as he rolls his way up a four lane highway against the flow of traffic. Unfortunately, they don't ever follow through on this and tend to bring him to my hospital. So, anyway, he comes in tonight after two days of sobering up in a nice medical bed. I end up dealing with him and listen to his story of distress and woe over some recent losses, including his "little buddy" (a neighbor's dog that died unexpectedly), the Pope, and an ex-girlfriend, his last girlfriend before his injury. He found it necessary to explain how he was "broken" below the waist, and was "no good to a woman any more." I sincerely doubt that he was much good to a woman before that, frankly. So, what's the real point of the story here, you might be wondering? I didn't have any male staff available, and drunken asshole decides that he needs to urinate. This involves some mechanical assistance. He has a catheter which thankfully he is able to insert himself. I was hoping to just leave him with his tubing and a plastic urinal, but no such luck. The damn thing kept falling over as he tried to get things set up. So there I was, holding one of those elongated pee-pee bottles, and working very, very hard to maintain eye contact with him as he was shoving a small bore hose through the ureter of his flaccid, nonfunctional unit. On the upside, I did not get any urine on me. __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

04-07-2005, 09:14 AM	#2
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	Ah, come on, wolf! Not so bad! I've done it thousands of times and with working units, to boot! Ya know what's really fun? Scrotal ultrasounds--ya gotta tape the big buddy up and out of the way so you can scan the twins! Fun! __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

04-08-2005, 10:05 PM	#6
404Error Lecturer Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: CT USA Posts: 826	I wouldn't say I pay a substantial sum....oh wait...nevermind. Carry on. __________________ "To disarm the people is the most effectual way to enslave them." ~George Mason~

04-07-2005, 09:26 AM	#8
chainsaw Wingnahningning... Er somethin' Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: 90802 Posts: 368	I thought cleaning the "science projects" out of our office refrigerator was bad. You're a bigger woman than I, wolf. I really don't think I could have done that. __________________ I have no life, so I watch movies.

04-07-2005, 09:35 AM	#9
OnyxCougar Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Kingdom of Atlantia Posts: 2,979	That's why wolf is the Woah-man! __________________ Impotentes defendere libertatem non possunt. "Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth." ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

04-07-2005, 10:44 AM	#10
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	I had a scrotal ultrasound, and no nurse taped my unit in any way. I feel left out!

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)