Questions to ask your partner

[Cloud]

I got this off CNN/Oprah. The questions are touted as suitable to ask before you get married to someone, but I think they are valid questions for couples to discuss at any time. What do you think?



Question 1: What percentage of our income are we prepared to spend to purchase and maintain our home on a monthly or annual basis?

Question 2: Who is responsible for keeping our house and yard cared for and organized? Are we different in our needs for cleanliness and organization?

Question 3: How much money do we earn together? Now? In one year? In five years? Ten? Who is responsible for which portion? Now? In one year? Five? Ten?

Question 4: What is our ultimate financial goal regarding annual income, and when do we anticipate achieving it? By what means and through what efforts?

Question 5: What are our categories of expense (rent, clothing, insurance, travel)? How much do we spend monthly, annually, in each category? How much do we want to be able to spend?

Question 6: How much time will each of us spend at work, and during what hours? Do we begin work early? Will we prefer to work into the evening?

Question 7: If one of us doesn't want to work, under what circumstances, if any, would that be okay?

Question 8: How ambitious are you? Are we comfortable with the other's level of ambition?

Question 9: Am I comfortable giving and receiving love sexually? In sex, does my partner feel my love for him or her?

Question 10: Are we satisfied with the frequency of our lovemaking? How do we cope when our desire levels are unmatched? A little? A lot? For a night? A week? A month? A year? More?

Question 11: Do we eat meals together? Which ones? Who is responsible for the food shopping? Who prepares the meals? Who cleans up afterward?

Question 12: Is each of us happy with the other's approach to health? Does one have habits or tendencies that concern the other (e.g., smoking, excessive dieting, poor diet)?

Question 13: What place does the other's family play in our family life? How often do we visit or socialize together? If we have out-of-town relatives, will we ask them to visit us for extended periods? How often?

Question 14: If we have children, what kind of relationship do we hope our parents will have with their grandchildren? How much time will they spend together?

Question 15: Will we have children? If so, when? How many? How important is having children to each of us?

Question 16: How will having a child change the way we live now? Will we want to take time off from work, or work a reduced schedule? For how long? Will we need to rethink who is responsible for housekeeping?

Question 17: Are we satisfied with the quality and quantity of friends we currently have? Would we like to be more involved socially? Are we overwhelmed socially and need to cut back on such commitments?

Question 18: What are my partner's needs for cultivating or maintaining friendships outside our relationship? Is it easy for me to support those needs, or do they bother me in any way?

Question 19: Do we share a religion? Do we belong to a church, synagogue, mosque or temple? More than one? If not, would our relationship benefit from such an affiliation?

Question 20: Does one of us have an individual spiritual practice? Is the practice and the time devoted to it acceptable to the other? Does each partner understand and respect the other's choices?

[Shawnee123]

Yikes. Well, some questions are very important, but I hope you find out much of this as you get to know each other. Unless you do the "I must date. I must find partner. I must mate." Then all forms should be filled out in triplicate.
Never mind me, I'm just a "follow the wind" kind of girl.

[Cloud]

well, I don't think you have to sit down with the list and go down point by point--unless you're just that kind of person. But they are things to think about and discuss, certainly, and some people may need a guide.

[Undertoad]

Question 21: If our attitudes or personalities change, and we find we have a different answer to one of the 20 questions, will that cause the end of the relationship?

[Clodfobble]

Before they were willing to perform a marriage, our church required all couples to go to "pre-marital counseling," which basically addresses all these issues. The fun part was that you took a multiple-choice test with lots and lots of this kind of stuff, probably a hundred questions, and you had to take it individually.

Well, we found it fun anyway. The counselor was sort of miffed that we weren't nervous at all, she said most couples were anxious to know how they "scored" as a couple. I told her if you didn't already know how you were going to score, you shouldn't be getting married. She of course agreed, but felt it was impossible for a couple to have already successfully covered all these issues on their own. We didn't get along with her very well.

[yesman065]

Probably why you're still married :P

Good lord... most of these are for people who cannot think for themselves.
Of course you are going to change!!!!
My wife just had one discussion, "what happens if we start to grow apart? (love means you want what is best for each other, even if it is not me)... You know this is who you are marrying and not someone you are going to change (that was mostly me)?"
It covered all of this crap. Oprah makes my skin crawl, she prays on people's insecurities by pretending to give advice about things that she should be telling you to fucking prioritize out of your life.
Years ago she would have been in a tent at the circus telling people's fortunes.
We had already been living together, so money and all the petty crap had been done.
We talk.

What shit like this does is make people, especially people who freak out about & fixate on little shit that does not matter (I hate to say it, but a LOT of young American women) when they should be happy about being in love and getting married.
"Oh god I did not like what he said about #___"
"What if he does not want to do #___" etc.... and off she goes, batshit about things that are meaningless and ten years later "OPRAH SAID YOU WOULD DO THIS!!!" as he looks at her with confused disgust.
I know I am generalizing and not in a flattering way... making a point about how she is condescending just by making the suggestion that people need something like this.

Dr. Phil is a criminal and Oprah is an accomplice....
Just set up a dialog, it will be different for each couple, depending on their personalities, their situation, background, communication and LISTENING skills and show some examples.
You can't just hand everyone the MadLib of marriage questions and expect it to be ok... it is going to cause FAR more problems than it solves.

most couples gay or straight can't answer half of those questions

[Cicero]

That's really useful!
We actually did all that....but here's something we didn't do....

I didn't ask all the sex questions (#10 doesn't even come close to the kind of stuff people should be asking) and luckily it's fine.....But there are questions in those areas I really should have asked and acted on if need be. Judgeing from all the stuff that is common that I don't deal with, it could have really hurt to not ask the hard-core stuff.

Sometimes I think- wow- maybe I should have asked that before I got married. I am relieved that we just so happen to harmonize on most of those issues. But it was luck.......

Getting the do's and dont's on sex preferences I think should be added. (God please be flexible but don't be stupid)
You never know if someone is going to like or hate something that you can't possibly live with on a day to day basis.

God I got lucky. It's like an epiphany today.
(I read a sex column this morning and found out I'm an abnormal little prude and just fine with that, and I always thought I was liberal)

(Question 10 does not adequately cover some major issues that people could have)

[kerosene]

It seems like these questions would work better as jumping off points for further conversation. Sure, you want to be compatible with your spouse. Duh. But, I guess some people don't communicate on these things, so they have to be nudged (or reminded) in the right direction.

[Cloud]

I think Cicero's right--more sex questions are needed! Especially if the couple is waiting until marriage for sex (ugh!); unfortunately those people are probably least comfortable with talking about sex.

Frank discussion, whether from a list or not, needs to be a continuing process between couples contemplating or in a life-long partnership.

What! I have to wear a girdle every time when we have sex?

[Cicero]

Yeah. This morning I was versed on the modern normal sexual practices and standards.....uhhh-hmmm.... Got it from a weekly independent news rag (sex column included) this morning...lots of women writing in about it. Just glad it's not me right now.

What? You don't like vaginal intercourse anymore? I'm supposed to wear a strap-on every time now? Pegging only? Oh and now you want the real thing....Holy heart-break batman......

[Aliantha]

Nah...I think you should just jump in and don't ask any questions. Just hope for the best. If it doesn't work out...there's plenty more fish in the sea.

[Hime]

Originally Posted by Cicero

Yeah. This morning I was versed on the modern normal sexual practices and standards.....uhhh-hmmm.... Got it from a weekly independent news rag (sex column included) this morning...lots of women writing in about it. Just glad it's not me right now.

What? You don't like vaginal intercourse anymore? I'm supposed to wear a strap-on every time now? Pegging only? Oh and now you want the real thing....Holy heart-break batman......

Confused -- do you not think it's acceptable for other couples to have sex that way? Or just that you don't want to do it?

I think that a lot of the questions are good things to know about, although if you're responsible and committed to each other you'll probably already have covered most of it. RK, your response strikes me as pretty naive -- women should just be happy to get married and not think about whether they'll be stuck with no money and all the chores after the big day?

[Cicero]

Read my previous post Hime.