Is it ever *ok* to cheat?

DucksNuts · 01-13-2007, 06:54 PM

I know, sorry, I am spamming the boards today

Anyways, my gf has just starting shagging this married man and she was giving me his bleeding heart story last nite then got shitty at me for rolling my eyes

Now, I'm not sure where I sit on this, for *me* personally....I dont think there is ever a good excuse to cheat.
That means, I wouldnt ever cheat, I would leave the relationship I was in if I felt the need to cheat.

That said, I will admit to having been *the bit on the side* in the past....normal story, loveless marriage, staying for the kids....blah blah blah. I knew he was married, had no grand illusions of him ever leaving his wife and it was more a fuck buddy situation than anything else.

The problem is, I think my gf will think he is going to leave his wife etc. I dont think he ever will, one of the reasons being the financial implications.

Soooo, do you think there is ever a good excuse to cheat?

Are both parties equally to *blame* or does the blame lay solely with the partnered cheater?

yesman065 · 01-13-2007, 06:58 PM

Well Ducks, You and I have had this conversation already, but....Having posted many times that I had been cheated on, I would say the pain that it caused me and the years I spent trying to rebuild the relationship and trust. . . no its not. Only under some extremely rare and unusual circumstances could I justify it.

bluecuracao · 01-13-2007, 08:34 PM

Having been the cheater, cheated-on, and cheated-with in the past, all I can say is...cheating means something is wrong. There can be an excuse to cheat, I think, but not a good excuse.

Beestie · 01-13-2007, 09:13 PM

I lost a friend over the exact same thing. He cheated on his live-in gf (who had a 5 yo daughter that had started to look up to him). He got caught and came to me for support and I pretty much smacked him upside the head and told him he was a lying, cheating dumbass.

Those were our last words. Fine.

Hoof Hearted · 01-13-2007, 09:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DucksNuts

Soooo, do you think there is ever a good excuse to cheat?

No.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DucksNuts

Are both parties equally to *blame* or does the blame lay solely with the partnered cheater?

Blame. Well, I'd have to say the blame of the cheating lies with the partnered person. The other person is to blame as a home-wrecker.

lumberjim · 01-13-2007, 10:43 PM

woo. I think she meant, could the person being cheated on be partly to blame?

such a gray area. of course it's possible. every possible degree of blame from none to all is possible. every case is different. you could argue extremes in either direction.

beyond that, 'ok' is subjective. if you feel no remorse, and don't regret it, then i guess it's ok. if your partner doesn't care if you do, it would be ok.

smell what i'm cookin? this is an unanswerable question.

freshnesschronic · 01-13-2007, 11:32 PM

No on all levels.

If the relationship is not working, end it. But too many people keep it for safety, money, nice cars, TVs, accessories and cheat for the pleasure of sex or social aspect. These are all lame but common justifications.

But cheating is wrong on all levels despite the problems in the relationship.

If it's not working, fix it, or get a new one (relationship).

DucksNuts · 01-13-2007, 11:35 PM

I ask alot of them huh?

Hoof - I get where you are coming from, and I agree...but....why should the unpartnered person be to blame, unless they tried to *lure* the partnered person away? Even if they did lure the person away, isnt that because they were lurable?? (is that word?).

You know, when he-who-couldnt-keep-his-dick-in-his-pants got caught cheating on me, I didnt blame the girl at all. She knew about me, but it was his doing in my book.

All he had to do was break up with me first and it would of been fine

Aliantha · 01-13-2007, 11:37 PM

Hubby and I have talked about this. I asked him if he'd forgive me if I cheated on him and he reckons he would, although I can't imagine ever betraying him like that. I'd probably kill him if he cheated on me, and I don't know if I would forgive him because I know he wouldn't do it 'just for the sex'. He's more 'mushy' than I am when it comes to sex in so far as needing the emotional commitment more than the physical. Edit: So I know that there's something very seriously wrong with our relationship if he cheated.

I find it really hard not to judge cheaters. Someone always gets hurt, and that's very sad. Having said that, I've been cheated on before, and I've also been 'the other woman'. I'm very glad to say that I've never been unfaithful to a lover, although I have had relationships where it was acknowledged that we would be seeing other people. Sometimes even that doesn't end too well.

xoxoxoBruce · 01-14-2007, 10:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluecuracao

Having been the cheater, cheated-on, and cheated-with in the past,

Me too.

Quote:

all I can say is...cheating means something is wrong. There can be an excuse to cheat, I think, but not a good excuse.

I agree 100%, there is always a cause, a reason, but that's never an acceptable excuse.

01-14-2007, 09:39 PM

Nope. Break up first. You can always control yourself.
There is no good reason.

Hoof Hearted · 01-14-2007, 10:58 PM

I think I was too cut and dried in my accusation of the other person being a Home Wrecker.
I would suppose that if the cheater did not tell the person they were seeing about their partnered commitment, then that person would be just as much of a victim, in my book. However, once the person knows about the cheater's partner...I think it is wrong to continue the relationship until things are resolved with the first relationship.

IMO, once a cheater...always a cheater. Well, not ALWAYS...but darn sure the majority of the time that is true. Trust is such a delicate issue...so easy to lose and difficult to regain.

bluecuracao · 01-15-2007, 01:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hoof Hearted

IMO, once a cheater...always a cheater. Well, not ALWAYS...but darn sure the majority of the time that is true. Trust is such a delicate issue...so easy to lose and difficult to regain.

I don't know...It's possible that many 'cheaters' grow up, eventually fall in love with the right person, and/or learn their lesson. I think most people want to have healthy relationships.

01-15-2007, 02:38 AM

I agree... plus many people who are in relationships that are not working can work it out.
People do not always cheat only because of their own character flaw (though that is always part of it, you should always abstain from cheating) but they are, sometimes, not getting something they need or want from the other party in their relationship.
Sometimes this can be worked-out.
It is rare, if they have taken the step to cheating, but it can work afterwords.
We, in the West, take sex too seriously... though the promise that it breaks is very serious, it can be mended.

Wendalz · 01-15-2007, 08:40 AM

Hmm, I personally don't sit well with the thought of people cheating on their partner. Whether be as a boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, wife or husband. Cheating is just going to cause pain and it's usually never a good solution to problems in the relationship. People can try to justify why... but really, why don't they stop being in denial?
I agree with so much of what has been said, but I don't know how to "quote" people... [Would appreciate a side note explaining how.]
Like I like what Bluecarcao said, about there never being a good reason.

01-13-2007, 06:54 PM	#1
DucksNuts Bitchy Little Brat Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Queensland, Australia Posts: 5,067	*Is it ever ok* to cheat?** I know, sorry, I am spamming the boards today Anyways, my gf has just starting shagging this married man and she was giving me his bleeding heart story last nite then got shitty at me for rolling my eyes Now, I'm not sure where I sit on this, for me personally....I dont think there is ever a good excuse to cheat. That means, I wouldnt ever cheat, I would leave the relationship I was in if I felt the need to cheat. That said, I will admit to having been the bit on the side in the past....normal story, loveless marriage, staying for the kids....blah blah blah. I knew he was married, had no grand illusions of him ever leaving his wife and it was more a fuck buddy situation than anything else. The problem is, I think my gf will think he is going to leave his wife etc. I dont think he ever will, one of the reasons being the financial implications. Soooo, do you think there is ever a good excuse to cheat? Are both parties equally to blame or does the blame lay solely with the partnered cheater?

01-13-2007, 09:13 PM	#4
Beestie -◊\|≡·∙■·∙≡\|◊- Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Parts unknown. Posts: 4,081	I lost a friend over the exact same thing. He cheated on his live-in gf (who had a 5 yo daughter that had started to look up to him). He got caught and came to me for support and I pretty much smacked him upside the head and told him he was a lying, cheating dumbass. Those were our last words. Fine. __________________ ♠ ♥ ♣ ♦

01-13-2007, 10:43 PM	#6
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	woo. I think she meant, could the person being cheated on be partly to blame? such a gray area. of course it's possible. every possible degree of blame from none to all is possible. every case is different. you could argue extremes in either direction. beyond that, 'ok' is subjective. if you feel no remorse, and don't regret it, then i guess it's ok. if your partner doesn't care if you do, it would be ok. smell what i'm cookin? this is an unanswerable question. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

01-13-2007, 11:37 PM	#9
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	Hubby and I have talked about this. I asked him if he'd forgive me if I cheated on him and he reckons he would, although I can't imagine ever betraying him like that. I'd probably kill him if he cheated on me, and I don't know if I would forgive him because I know he wouldn't do it 'just for the sex'. He's more 'mushy' than I am when it comes to sex in so far as needing the emotional commitment more than the physical. Edit: So I know that there's something very seriously wrong with our relationship if he cheated. I find it really hard not to judge cheaters. Someone always gets hurt, and that's very sad. Having said that, I've been cheated on before, and I've also been 'the other woman'. I'm very glad to say that I've never been unfaithful to a lover, although I have had relationships where it was acknowledged that we would be seeing other people. Sometimes even that doesn't end too well. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

01-14-2007, 10:58 PM	#12
Hoof Hearted ...you smell something? Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Monroe, GA Posts: 420	I think I was too cut and dried in my accusation of the other person being a Home Wrecker. I would suppose that if the cheater did not tell the person they were seeing about their partnered commitment, then that person would be just as much of a victim, in my book. However, once the person knows about the cheater's partner...I think it is wrong to continue the relationship until things are resolved with the first relationship. IMO, once a cheater...always a cheater. Well, not ALWAYS...but darn sure the majority of the time that is true. Trust is such a delicate issue...so easy to lose and difficult to regain. __________________ I have the ability of single-minded determination and focu...Hey, look! A horse!

01-13-2007, 06:58 PM	#2
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	Well Ducks, You and I have had this conversation already, but....Having posted many times that I had been cheated on, I would say the pain that it caused me and the years I spent trying to rebuild the relationship and trust. . . no its not. Only under some extremely rare and unusual circumstances could I justify it.

01-13-2007, 08:34 PM	#3
bluecuracao in a mood, not cupcake Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Philadelphia Posts: 3,034	Having been the cheater, cheated-on, and cheated-with in the past, all I can say is...cheating means something is wrong. There can be an excuse to cheat, I think, but not a good excuse.

01-13-2007, 11:32 PM	#7
freshnesschronic Professor Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 1,555	No on all levels. If the relationship is not working, end it. But too many people keep it for safety, money, nice cars, TVs, accessories and cheat for the pleasure of sex or social aspect. These are all lame but common justifications. But cheating is wrong on all levels despite the problems in the relationship. If it's not working, fix it, or get a new one (relationship).

01-13-2007, 11:35 PM	#8
DucksNuts Bitchy Little Brat Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Queensland, Australia Posts: 5,067	I ask alot of them huh? Hoof - I get where you are coming from, and I agree...but....why should the unpartnered person be to blame, unless they tried to lure the partnered person away? Even if they did lure the person away, isnt that because they were lurable?? (is that word?). You know, when he-who-couldnt-keep-his-dick-in-his-pants got caught cheating on me, I didnt blame the girl at all. She knew about me, but it was his doing in my book. All he had to do was break up with me first and it would of been fine

01-14-2007, 09:39 PM	#11
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	Nope. Break up first. You can always control yourself. There is no good reason.

01-15-2007, 02:38 AM	#14
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	I agree... plus many people who are in relationships that are not working can work it out. People do not always cheat only because of their own character flaw (though that is always part of it, you should always abstain from cheating) but they are, sometimes, not getting something they need or want from the other party in their relationship. Sometimes this can be worked-out. It is rare, if they have taken the step to cheating, but it can work afterwords. We, in the West, take sex too seriously... though the promise that it breaks is very serious, it can be mended.

01-15-2007, 08:40 AM	#15
Wendalz Long time squatter of the Cellar Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: New Zealand [Which is NOT part of Australia!!] Posts: 12	Hmm, I personally don't sit well with the thought of people cheating on their partner. Whether be as a boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, wife or husband. Cheating is just going to cause pain and it's usually never a good solution to problems in the relationship. People can try to justify why... but really, why don't they stop being in denial? I agree with so much of what has been said, but I don't know how to "quote" people... [Would appreciate a side note explaining how.] Like I like what Bluecarcao said, about there never being a good reason.

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