Not owning up... and how to address the upset

[Pooka]

This thread is not aimed at romantic relationships specifically, but rather any human we happen to have a connection to either by our own choice or by blood...

I have encountered a situation where I am being lied to… this I know with absolute certainty. I have given the individual (who happens to be a family member… but not my side of the family) the opportunity to “come clean” and admit to me they were wrong and work with me to resolve the issue, but they chose to lie about it directly to my face. I am at a loss as to how to approach it…

In a nut shell:

I had a bunch of fabric squares that I had collected from my clothing from the time I was 10 until I was 25 years old. My intention was to make a crazy quilt someday, but life intervened and it sat in my closet for 10 years. Flint and I lived with this individual for a little less than a month when we first got together and the fabric stayed at their house. I shouldn’t have left them there, but I did and I’ll admit I said she could use them… of course that was before we had children. Last May I asked for them back for my children… (I know they were not in use at the time). Well… she had a much cluttered house and didn’t know where they were. I didn’t follow up for several months… just busy… little people and all. Then Flint brought some puzzles over there and one of them was a crazy quilt puzzle… a few weeks later I noticed a quilt in production that resembled my fabric. I wasn’t certain that it was my fabric after all… I only glanced at it as I was walking out the door… in any case it reminded me to follow up… my plan is to make quilts for my kids and embroider on it as they grow. She brought 2 small bags over. The next day as I was separating out the fabric I noticed that lots of fabric was missing… including all the pocket squares (I saved the pockets because I thought they’d be cute… to put little treasures in). So I know there are plenty not accounted for.

Last night we were over at her house and I saw the quilt again… and it was in fact my material. It was not the time or place for confrontation though. This morning I called and asked “Is it possible that there is another bag still over there… There should be lots more red velvet, green and all the little pockets are missing” And she very quickly said… “NO… that’s all I looked through everything… there aren’t any others”. Which I know for a fact is a lie… having seen it with my own eyes. She had to get off the phone immediately after that. I didn't feel comfortable telling her I saw them.

So here is my predicament… do I confront her and show it to her when I am there for Thanksgiving… what if she is making it for us (though I seriously doubt it)… do I wait till it is given to someone else and then say “those are my squares…I thought you said you gave all of them back?”

I just don’t know how to approach it, but I’m really upset about it… both about being lied to and second that they would use them knowing I wanted them for my kids. I don't feel that I can turn a blind I to it.. and if it is a gift for someone else there will be drama for sure for years to come... I'm not really willing to let it go.

[lumberjim]

I shouldn’t have left them there, but I did and I’ll admit I said she could use them

has she given you all the ones she hasn't already used?

[Pooka]

Yes, however she used them AFTER I asked for them back...

[lumberjim]

how do you know when she began the work? is it not possible that she found her half assembled quilt while she was looking for your swatches? and left it out where you could see it?


would you like the cellar members to each send you a few swatches to replenish your lost articles? I think we might have a few pounds of fabric in storage.

[Pooka]

And she should have told me she went ahead and used some of them them... and we could have discussed that...

I'm real upset that she is lying to me about having used the squares that I am asking for... the specific squares. And if she had started her project before hand she should have said something...

[Pico and ME]

Pooka, man I don't envy you this problem. This is a tough one...family matters like this always suck.

Good luck! I hope you get your squares back, but if you don't, I hope you can somehow let it go...for peace sake.

Damn...Yeah, its a toughie.

[Juniper]

Originally Posted by lumberjim

how do you know when she began the work? is it not possible that she found her half assembled quilt while she was looking for your swatches? and left it out where you could see it?


would you like the cellar members to each send you a few swatches to replenish your lost articles? I think we might have a few pounds of fabric in storage.

A few pounds? Maybe a few HUNDRED pounds.

I'd be happy to donate. I might even find some pockets.

[lumberjim]

Flint: You'd better have your camera ready on Turkey day in case a chick fight breaks out....I want to see that shit.

[glatt]

How sure are you that she hadn't used them yet once you asked for them back?

Is it possible that this disorganized person had taken the pieces out of the bag and was planning to use them for a project but just hadn't started yet? Then when the bag was found again, she forgot the pieces had been removed?

In any event, I think if the relationship is one that you value, you should bring it up when you see her. Try to talk it over and iron it out. Speak plainly and honestly, but without accusations. Just state the facts and how you feel. Maybe it's all a misunderstanding. After all, you originally said she could use them. It least you will have tried to fix things.

[Juniper]

Oh and just a random thought...

Is it possible she is making a gift for YOU?

[Cicero]

It is also possible that she took the quilting stuff out looking for your stuff, and thinks that the bag with your stuff, is actually hers. After years our memories get all screwed up and it is quite possible that she remembers little pieces of fabric as hers and might have already manufactured a stupid memory attached to the pieces that are used. Just get your stuff back. When I see people with my stuff, using it, I always say something immediately.

Don't let a misunderstanding make you get all shitty. Talk about it immediately. Her memoories of the articles in question, might be screwed up. Say something before she uses even more pieces. She might be naively thinking certain rags are hers.

Go to the house, look for the items out somewhere and say, hey. Those totally look like my pieces, where is the rest of what was in that bag? Explain why those are your pieces if need be.

[Pooka]

Originally Posted by Cicero

It is also possible that she took the quilting stuff out looking for your stuff, and thinks that the bag with your stuff, is actually hers. After years our memories get all screwed up and it is quite possible that she remembers little pieces of fabric as hers and might have already manufactured a stupid memory attached to the pieces that are used. Just get your stuff back. When I see people with my stuff, using it, I always say something immediately.

Don't let a misunderstanding make you get all shitty. Talk about it immediately.

No she knew exactly what they were ... we had discussed them several times. And they are of the same material that she returned to me... just with pockets. Had she admitted she used them I would have offered to PAY her for her work.

It is HIGHLY doubtful that she would be making a gift of them for me... highly doubtful. It is a possibility... but such a VERY small one.

The problem is ... knowing she lied ... there is no nice way to approach the subject... I could ask Flint to approach her, but he dosn't want to get involved.

[Pooka]

I guess my point is ... she knows the project she is working on is what I'm wanting back. The honest thing to do... on her part... would have been to tell me that she forgot I wanted them back, but remembered I said she could use them and had in fact begun to use them to make a quilt... and asked if I still want them back now ... I would have told her "Yes... I still want them and I'll pay you for your work. When I said you could use them it was before I had kids and had a sentamental reason for them... I'm sorry. I should have picked them up sooner."

But that isn't what happened.. she has never admited that she used any of them. There is no way she could think that the pieces she has in use are not realted to my request...

I'm flabergasted that she would lie to me about it.

[Flint]

Originally Posted by Pooka

I could ask Flint to approach her, but he dosn't want to get involved.

No. I said I don't want to KEEP HEARING ABOUT IT.

These is what I care to hear about:

• things that have a conclusion (or work towards one)
• things that can be translated to an action item
• things that add new information to a subject

Here is what I NEVER want to hear about:

• reiterations of the same thing, with no specific purpose
• speculation about something which is based on un-knowable factors
• repeated, identical descriptions of any un-knowable something

Here's how I would handle this. Walk in there and go, "Oh, here's that fabric I was looking for." and take it home. What's she going to say? There's no way to know until that moment comes; and honestly, who cares? Mind you, I'm taking your word on all of this, but if it's your damn fabric, I pick it up and take it home. What's she going to do, tackle me at the door?

[Cicero]

Go over there and get your stuff back. It is your stuff get it back. Don't do passive aggressive. Just get your stuff. Be polite about it, and get your stuff. Say what you wanna say. You'll feel better when you have your things back. You really shouldn't have gifted them and then asked for them back. But that isn't the point here. Tell her you know she has some fabric of yours and you need it back.

Being passive aggressive, and doing nothing for yourself will hurt worse than actually calling the bluff, and getting what is rightfully yours.

Don't let family members manipulate (in their own little way) and make a fool of you. These kinds of petty skirmishes are to be dealt with head-on.

It's easy, that's my stuff and I want it.

Say...Oh Hai...I just dropped by to get my material back. There is no question that she has it. And there is no question that she will give it to you. BE THE ADULT.