Merry F'in Christmas - I want a divorce. - Page 2

jaguar · 12-10-2005, 06:08 PM

Well shit, that's a motherfucker of a curve ball, I can't begin to imagine how you feel or possibly have any advice to offer but I just wanted to say good luck, really. I really hope you can work it out, you're a bright guy and I'm sure equally tenacious, good luck.

Clodfobble · 12-10-2005, 09:12 PM

Lookout, I'm so incredibly sorry to hear this. Even going to counseling just "to humor you" is a start, IMHO. You'll obviously have many other things on your mind for quite awhile, but make sure you keep checking back with us occasionally for your own sanity--a virtual support net is better than none.

footfootfoot · 12-10-2005, 10:26 PM

Sucks like a pail of leeches.

There is something missing from this picture.

Hang tight, don't be rash.

xoxoxoBruce · 12-10-2005, 11:11 PM

Quote:

i don't know if i mentioned it but we are going to see a councelor on Friday. she is just doing it to humor me though. she had the appointment booked just for herself before she dropped the bombshell on me. this is a guy that we met with a year or so ago to help us with communication skills. she walked away from her sessions with him really feeling good about life and came to grips with some of her past issues. if she can keep some semblance of an open mind here it could be a good thing. or i could just be deluding myself.

Ya Gotta Believe! If you feel it's a waste of time, for whatever reason, it will be.
Go in there and do your honest best to make it work. Get the councelor on your side to help convince her that you're sincerely willing to work on any issues she has.
You know what you've got to lose. And no coulda/shoulda/woulda down the road. Go baby!

Griff · 12-11-2005, 06:51 AM

Is it possible that working on a second child freaked her out? She may have started getting visions of mini-vans and PTA meetings. Don't give up on her without a fight. She may just need to open her eyes to what she has.

12-11-2005, 11:45 AM

You say she had some substance abuse issues in the past and has started to drink more now. Is it possible that she is once again having difficulties with that? Would you pick up on it if she had started using her drug of choice again? It might explain why she is making this irrational choice that is so grevious all around. I'm sorry to read your news Lookout. These things are always painful, no matter what. Your situation seems especially so. Hang in there, big guy.

lumberjim · 12-11-2005, 02:01 PM

dude. don't give up. Don't let her give up. make sure she know you won;t give up. yell and scream, kick , fight, accuse, do everything you can to keep her. and if that doesn;t work, put a hit out on her.

laugh, dammit.

Brett's Honey · 12-11-2005, 03:01 PM

You and your son will get through this eventually if you must, but I hope you don't have to. Make the most of this time that you'll be together before Christmas, doing whatever you can to get her to think twice about a divorce. If you end up living apart, it may be much harder to get her to consider not divorcing.
Nobody can ever say that I didn't have good reason to divorce my husband (the father of my kids), and I love my current husband, but in hindsight, I wish I had taken a different road. I believe the main reason I went through with the divorce was because of someone I'd became involved with (at work) pushing me so hard to go through with it, to cut off communication with my husband and to only focus on why I should divorce him.
And although it kind of contridicts what I just said about making the most of this time, there is one thing about most women that I believe is true - I'm just not sure if I can word it correctly. It's about the "thrill of the chase". She knows you want her, that she can have you. If the time comes when you must seperate, maybe it would be a benefit to you, for her to believe that you're just fine, and that it would actually require work on her part to "get" you.
Cellar ladies...help me out here.....and if it's not good advice, speak up! I want to help, not make things worse by any means!
Good luck. Agreeing to counseling means there's hope, even if she's not serious about it at first. The only other thing that I know for a fact is that my son is MUCH happier now that me and the ex get along great. He was miserable when we continued to fight and bad-mouth each other after the divorce.

laebedahs · 12-11-2005, 03:08 PM

Listen to some B.B. King, especially "The Thrill is Gone".

But seriously, I'm in a similiar situation, lookout. I wasn't really aware of the so-called "stages" (I'm pretty sure I'm in the acceptance stage right now but I did go through all those stages, funny it also reminds me of the episode of the Simpsons where Homer finds out he's dying). Here's the best advice you'll get. Whatever you do, look forward. Don't look back and dwell on the things you had (if it truly is over). Regret is one of the worse human emotions causes us to come to a stop in progression.

I was with my wife for 6 years (married 2 years of that). We were together since I was 16, so I can understand how hard it is to be alone after not having been for a while. Find a friend (the new friends I've made plus my parents has helped a lot). If you don't have one, make one (hard concept I know, I've made a lot of friends in the past 2 months than most in my life since I found out she was leaving and left).

Most importantly of all, have fun (once/if you're single)! Don't look for anyone for a relationship. Just look for people to have fun together with.

Hemlock · 12-12-2005, 08:47 AM

Lookout,

I can understand what you are going through. My wife recently told me she had an affair, and she is not sure whether she wants to try at a marraige again. This kind of loss is devastating. It is worse than if she died.

I also thought things were OK in my relationship (not great, but I was making an effort)...they were not. There is nothing you can do to make her stay - but I recomend some conseling. I spent many nights crying because I thought I would never see my wife again - and I do love her. I think she is wonderful. Obviosly the feeling was not mutual.

I am still in the middle of my crisis - so I will tell you all how it turns out.

Hemlock · 12-12-2005, 11:33 AM

I would also like to add that the biggest problem for me is the affair changed my entire world view. It shatttered what truths I thought existed. My wife could not only love me, but another man. I htought I was special to her, and we were special. That is no longer true. I still feel very insecure about everything.

The world does not seem "fair" anymore - my rose-colored glasses are off, and I see the world for the ugly thing it is: a place that is full of hatred and deceipt. Perhaps I will return to my normal self eventually, but it does hurt, eh?

Elspode · 12-12-2005, 12:47 PM

You make an interesting observation, Hemlock. There are people who do seem to figure out a way to love and hold special more than one person, but it is damn difficult.

Does/did your wife claim to love both you and the object of the affair?

Hemlock · 12-12-2005, 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elspode

You make an interesting observation, Hemlock. There are people who do seem to figure out a way to love and hold special more than one person, but it is damn difficult.

Does/did your wife claim to love both you and the object of the affair?

In the last few weeks she has said she loves us both....she has also said she does not know how she feels about him...I think she may be trying to not hurt my feelings by lying to me. But she is very confused wither way.

She has also said she is "in love" with him, and not "in love" with me. I read that as saying she does not like being around me lately, but she enjoys being around him. Well, I have been a jerk lately...my wife did have an affair. I see him as someone who says "yes" to whatever she says, but I question more - because of teh relationship we have. Perhaps I have questioned too much.

Either way, she is still my best friend - and I am hers. I just hope we can make it more than that again.

Hemlock · 12-12-2005, 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lookout123

said Mrs Lookout. She just doesn't feel passion for me the way she thinks she should... so divorce is the obvious answer.

Don't you hate that the answer is to give up? I am experiencing the same thing. So your relationship is not perfect. Why is that a reason to give up? Why not work at it to make it the relationship you want? Why do you want to quit? Are her parents divorced? Stats show that kids from broken homes see divorce as a "solution" when a "problem" comes up in marraige. But all marraiges have their problems...it is up to the people involved to work through them, and talk.

Just my two cents...I think she is chickening out. But you better not tell her that...

Undertoad · 12-12-2005, 04:12 PM

I tried counseling with my ex for a year and a half, and we remained married for 3 years after we started... all that trying to save the relationship was a massive waste of time and energy. Looking back it would have been way better for me if we had just ended it.

But everyone's situation is different and I know people who "worked hard" on their marriage and saved it.

12-10-2005, 06:08 PM	#16
jaguar whig Join Date: Apr 2001 Posts: 5,075	Well shit, that's a motherfucker of a curve ball, I can't begin to imagine how you feel or possibly have any advice to offer but I just wanted to say good luck, really. I really hope you can work it out, you're a bright guy and I'm sure equally tenacious, good luck. __________________ Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. - Twain

12-10-2005, 10:26 PM	#18
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Sucks like a pail of leeches. There is something missing from this picture. Hang tight, don't be rash. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

12-11-2005, 06:51 AM	#20
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	Is it possible that working on a second child freaked her out? She may have started getting visions of mini-vans and PTA meetings. Don't give up on her without a fight. She may just need to open her eyes to what she has. __________________ If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you. - Louis D. Brandeis

12-11-2005, 02:01 PM	#22
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	dude. don't give up. Don't let her give up. make sure she know you won;t give up. yell and scream, kick , fight, accuse, do everything you can to keep her. and if that doesn;t work, put a hit out on her. laugh, dammit. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

12-12-2005, 12:47 PM	#27
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	You make an interesting observation, Hemlock. There are people who do seem to figure out a way to love and hold special more than one person, but it is damn difficult. Does/did your wife claim to love both you and the object of the affair? __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

12-10-2005, 09:12 PM	#17
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	Lookout, I'm so incredibly sorry to hear this. Even going to counseling just "to humor you" is a start, IMHO. You'll obviously have many other things on your mind for quite awhile, but make sure you keep checking back with us occasionally for your own sanity--a virtual support net is better than none.

12-11-2005, 11:45 AM	#21
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	You say she had some substance abuse issues in the past and has started to drink more now. Is it possible that she is once again having difficulties with that? Would you pick up on it if she had started using her drug of choice again? It might explain why she is making this irrational choice that is so grevious all around. I'm sorry to read your news Lookout. These things are always painful, no matter what. Your situation seems especially so. Hang in there, big guy.

12-11-2005, 03:01 PM	#23
Brett's Honey whatever Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 308	You and your son will get through this eventually if you must, but I hope you don't have to. Make the most of this time that you'll be together before Christmas, doing whatever you can to get her to think twice about a divorce. If you end up living apart, it may be much harder to get her to consider not divorcing. Nobody can ever say that I didn't have good reason to divorce my husband (the father of my kids), and I love my current husband, but in hindsight, I wish I had taken a different road. I believe the main reason I went through with the divorce was because of someone I'd became involved with (at work) pushing me so hard to go through with it, to cut off communication with my husband and to only focus on why I should divorce him. And although it kind of contridicts what I just said about making the most of this time, there is one thing about most women that I believe is true - I'm just not sure if I can word it correctly. It's about the "thrill of the chase". She knows you want her, that she can have you. If the time comes when you must seperate, maybe it would be a benefit to you, for her to believe that you're just fine, and that it would actually require work on her part to "get" you. Cellar ladies...help me out here.....and if it's not good advice, speak up! I want to help, not make things worse by any means! Good luck. Agreeing to counseling means there's hope, even if she's not serious about it at first. The only other thing that I know for a fact is that my son is MUCH happier now that me and the ex get along great. He was miserable when we continued to fight and bad-mouth each other after the divorce.

12-11-2005, 03:08 PM	#24
laebedahs Abecedarian Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 172	Listen to some B.B. King, especially "The Thrill is Gone". But seriously, I'm in a similiar situation, lookout. I wasn't really aware of the so-called "stages" (I'm pretty sure I'm in the acceptance stage right now but I did go through all those stages, funny it also reminds me of the episode of the Simpsons where Homer finds out he's dying). Here's the best advice you'll get. Whatever you do, look forward. Don't look back and dwell on the things you had (if it truly is over). Regret is one of the worse human emotions causes us to come to a stop in progression. I was with my wife for 6 years (married 2 years of that). We were together since I was 16, so I can understand how hard it is to be alone after not having been for a while. Find a friend (the new friends I've made plus my parents has helped a lot). If you don't have one, make one (hard concept I know, I've made a lot of friends in the past 2 months than most in my life since I found out she was leaving and left). Most importantly of all, have fun (once/if you're single)! Don't look for anyone for a relationship. Just look for people to have fun together with.

12-12-2005, 08:47 AM	#25
Hemlock May Ter Dee Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 26	Lookout, I can understand what you are going through. My wife recently told me she had an affair, and she is not sure whether she wants to try at a marraige again. This kind of loss is devastating. It is worse than if she died. I also thought things were OK in my relationship (not great, but I was making an effort)...they were not. There is nothing you can do to make her stay - but I recomend some conseling. I spent many nights crying because I thought I would never see my wife again - and I do love her. I think she is wonderful. Obviosly the feeling was not mutual. I am still in the middle of my crisis - so I will tell you all how it turns out.

12-12-2005, 11:33 AM	#26
Hemlock May Ter Dee Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 26	I would also like to add that the biggest problem for me is the affair changed my entire world view. It shatttered what truths I thought existed. My wife could not only love me, but another man. I htought I was special to her, and we were special. That is no longer true. I still feel very insecure about everything. The world does not seem "fair" anymore - my rose-colored glasses are off, and I see the world for the ugly thing it is: a place that is full of hatred and deceipt. Perhaps I will return to my normal self eventually, but it does hurt, eh?

12-12-2005, 04:12 PM	#30
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	I tried counseling with my ex for a year and a half, and we remained married for 3 years after we started... all that trying to save the relationship was a massive waste of time and energy. Looking back it would have been way better for me if we had just ended it. But everyone's situation is different and I know people who "worked hard" on their marriage and saved it.

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