Domestic abuse in the spotlight

[DanaC]

Some statistics for the UK:

◦45% of women have experienced some form of domestic violence, sexual assault or stalking.

◦Around 21% of girls, experience some form of child sexual abuse

◦At least 80,000 women suffer rape every year.

◦In a survey for Amnesty International, over 1 in 4 respondents thought a women was partially or totally responsible for being raped if she was wearing sexy or revealing clothing, and more than 1 in 5 held the same view if a woman had had many sexual partners.

◦On average, two women a week in England and Wales are killed by a violent partner or ex-partner. This constitutes nearly 40% of all female homicide victims.

http://www.whiteribboncampaign.co.uk..._against_women

Now, I am not for a moment suggesting with this that women are the only victims of domestic violence. Men are also victims, and because of the shame that particularly attaches to men who are abused by women, they are even more hidden than female victims. But, where two women die to a partner or ex-partner every week in England and Wales, somewhere in the region of one man every three weeks dies at the hands of a partner or ex-partner.

Domestic and sexual abuse against women and girls is endemic in western culture. One of the things that allows that paradigm to continue is the general assumption of untrustworthiness which attaches to women in their relationships and lifechoices. It feeds into many aspects of life, from right-wing assumptions that women cannot be trusted with the important choices in reproduction, to even liberal and very unsexist men assuming that chicks are duplicitous in sex and courtship and that many will make unfounded accusations.


Most people know someone who always seems to have problems with their partner, who seems to be at his beck and call, who doesn't have many friends outside of work and their relationship, who isn't bruised but is overly concerned with what their partner will say/think about any decision or situation.

And yes, there are people out there who will make a mountain out of a molehill. But I would bet all that I have that they are vastly outnumbered by those trying to convince themselves and everyone around them that the mountain was made by a mole.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by Lamplighter

From what I've seen on our local news, a domestic violence call now makes it required for Oregon police to take the man (usually) in to jail for the rest of the day/night. Release then is dependent on circumstances (wife/witnesses/man's attitude/etc.)
This serves to get the man out of the house and allows the situation to cool down.

And it give the wife time to get a quick restraining order to keep him out.
Pretty much the same around here for a long time, except when they force him to leave, with no evidence or corroboration strictly he said/she said, they usually won't lock him up unless he's drunk or gives them shit.

This is why I firmly believe that there are as many men emotionally abused as women. One, they're much better at it, and two, they hold the aces.
~It's ALWAYS the man that has to leave, children or not.
~She can get a restraining order in a heartbeat under the courts theory better safe than sorry, issue it and then investigate... if his lawyer insists.
~For a man to get a restraining order he better have grievous wounds... but of course he's already on the street.

So she can hold that over him like Damocles's sword. The threat of being on the street, with no money and no where to go is just as frightening for him.
Are you aware that in more households than not, the woman controls ALL the money. Usually he'll get a weekly allowance, and can sign a check if he wants to risk the blowback.

Why do you think so many men sneak around? Not talking about sex, sneaking off to play golf, go to the race track, or go to the pub.
It's because he doesn't want to risk the ire of the sword holder.
I'm not saying this is the majority situation, just it's a bigger minority than you think.

Being men we can't complain to our buddies, so we compensate by a code.
Hey Joe, what's the matter, man, you look stressed.
Joe says, my old lady, the wife, that bitch, or something to that effect.
At that point every man within earshot nods knowingly and clams up or says something like, Hey, how about them Knicks.

Originally Posted by Stormieweather

Yeah. DV is not just physical. It doesn't matter if he never did more than break a plate.
~snip~
Abuse "in someone's head* is the most difficult kind to recognize and fight. Abuse victims often doubt and blame themselves and minimize the abuse. What you are told initially is usually only the tip of the iceberg. When the people they tell minimize and dismiss the issue, they are compounding the problem.

If you are unsure whether someone is truly being abused, then simply direct them to expert help - DV sites, help lines, books, safe houses, etc. But please don't shrug them off as making things up.

You were in a horrible situation that no human should have to endure. I'm not making light of that for one minute. And I'm not saying if it was so bad why didn't you leave, because you were in the same boat as the guys I described above. It's a hell of a lot harder than it sounds.

What I was saying in the previous post is, although there can be abuse without it, there's no way for me as an outsider, (non-family), to justify any action on my part if there's not even a claim of threatened violence.
Ask any cop about the danger of being attack by BOTH parties in a domestic.

How do you make one law fits all in such a difficult to access situation?
Tell me what laws you want passed to stop what you went through?

[Stormieweather]

I agree, Bruce, that men can be and are abused. Abuse is not just man on woman or adult on child. Women abuse men frequently, more frequently than we are know, because men are loathe to admit to it. My support site has several male members, one of whom is a biker whom you'd never suspect could or would be abused. And yet, he was.

Abuse can be between anyone where the balance of power is unequal. Because abuse is control over another and that requires power. Men often use physical abuse, because they are usually physically stronger than women. Adults are bigger and more knowledgeable, so they abuse children. Bosses abuse employees, religious leaders abuse followers, etc. Abuse can be emotional, financial, verbal, physical, sexual, and spiritual. It's not just threats to kill or hitting.

I'm not sure the laws themselves need to be changed much, but the application of them and the bias/misconception of law enforcement and the general public. When the police show up to a call, they need to understand that just because there are no black eyes or bruises, that isn't necessarily a sign of lack of abuse. Judges need to recognize that there is more to abuse than punching. Generally, people need to be able to speak up about it and be believed. The main reason victims on my site say they didn't say or do anything earlier is fear that no one would believe them or that they would be accused of exaggerating. They even doubt themselves, so why would anyone else take their issues seriously?

So education.

Educate everyone from children all the way up to judges about abuse and what it is. Bullying is a form of abuse and we are not doing nearly enough about it. Spousal abuse goes both ways. Let women and men know that they don't have to tolerate mistreatment, that everyone deserves to be treated with respect. That there is life beyond an abusive partner; actual people who do not abuse. Put in place help for former victims to gain confidence and esteem, and learn healthy ways to interact. Prevent the cycle from reoccurring.

[Undertoad]

Those who stop the cycle are the true unspoken heroes of our world.

[orthodoc]

Originally Posted by Stormieweather

So education.

Educate everyone from children all the way up to judges about abuse and what it is. Bullying is a form of abuse and we are not doing nearly enough about it. Spousal abuse goes both ways. Let women and men know that they don't have to tolerate mistreatment, that everyone deserves to be treated with respect. That there is life beyond an abusive partner; actual people who do not abuse. Put in place help for former victims to gain confidence and esteem, and learn healthy ways to interact. Prevent the cycle from reoccurring.

I agree, and would add - educate young women to see their own skills and careers as nonnegotiable, as something to be achieved and established before ever thinking about taking on a mate ... educate young women that doing the 'logical' thing in staying home and letting credentials and CV slide so that 'necessary jobs' aren't duplicated by both partners is an abdication of what they owe themselves and their children ... educate women, and men, that everyone has the right to pursue a dream to its full potential, that everyone deserves respect within a relationship, and that if partners want to raise children, it takes ALL adults concerned, fully committed and contributing equally ... otherwise, no children.

If this causes the human race to cease to exist, so be it. But I don't think it will.

[plthijinx]

men are definitely abused too. i had typed out a few tidbits from my old relationship but reread it and i deleted it. i just want the memories to go away. they never will. unless you have walked in my shoes or anyone who has been a victim of DV, you will never understand. you can try, but you won't.

i used to shake my head and not understand why someone would stay in an abusive relationship. why wouldn't they just leave? it's not that easy. they abuse you then say they're sorry and it will never happen again.....then it does. again. and gets progressively worse. in my case anyway, it did.

thinking about that relationship sends chills up my spine.

[Stormieweather]

Originally Posted by plthijinx

men are definitely abused too. i had typed out a few tidbits from my old relationship but reread it and i deleted it. i just want the memories to go away. they never will. unless you have walked in my shoes or anyone who has been a victim of DV, you will never understand. you can try, but you won't.

i used to shake my head and not understand why someone would stay in an abusive relationship. why wouldn't they just leave? it's not that easy. they abuse you then say they're sorry and it will never happen again.....then it does. again. and gets progressively worse. in my case anyway, it did.

thinking about that relationship sends chills up my spine.

Awww....I know how you feel. I rarely mention my past outside of my abuse site, but felt the need to on this thread, because abuse is not just hitting or being threatened with your life. And it isn't easy to escape. The abuse cycle is vicious and I, too, was trapped in it for years.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by Stormieweather

I'm not sure the laws themselves need to be changed much, but the application of them and the bias/misconception of law enforcement and the general public. When the police show up to a call, they need to understand that just because there are no black eyes or bruises, that isn't necessarily a sign of lack of abuse. Judges need to recognize that there is more to abuse than punching. Generally, people need to be able to speak up about it and be believed. The main reason victims on my site say they didn't say or do anything earlier is fear that no one would believe them or that they would be accused of exaggerating. They even doubt themselves, so why would anyone else take their issues seriously?

So education.

Educate everyone from children all the way up to judges about abuse and what it is. Bullying is a form of abuse and we are not doing nearly enough about it. Spousal abuse goes both ways. Let women and men know that they don't have to tolerate mistreatment, that everyone deserves to be treated with respect. That there is life beyond an abusive partner; actual people who do not abuse. Put in place help for former victims to gain confidence and esteem, and learn healthy ways to interact. Prevent the cycle from reoccurring.

Educate the young, yes. As for educating adults, I don't think most adults need to be educated as to what it is, how it works. I think every adult has seen it in their family, Uncle Joe treats sweet Aunt Edna like shit, or vice versa. Or maybe their social circle, Ruth is a real bitch to Pat, ain't she, or vice versa.

I guess the education should be that we won't chalk it up to human nature and mind our own business. We may not personally intercede, but we see you, we know what you're doing, we know you're being an asshole. That social peer pressure could help in some cases I think. But I'm no pro either, so it's just an opinion.
Of course there are the isolated people, especially when the isolation is part of the pattern.

The cops aren't going to be much help, I'm afraid. First of all because they will never have enough training to sort out the he said/she said situations. And frankly, he/she was mean to me, and said bad things, will never be in their job description.

You ain't hurt, not being physically restrained, walk out that door. Simple as that. If you want, we'll wait 10 minutes while you grab your shit and make sure you get out safely, but we've got crimes to fight, and donuts to kill.

Secondly, you want the cops to be more sensitive to emotions, at a time when they're being equipped and trained as a paramilitary force that drops flashbangs in children's bedrooms. Sheriff Andy isn't going to stop by with friendly advice, ever again in most places.

OK, like you said from the gitgo, more awareness.
But please folks, no torches and pitch forks... unless the perps are a different color, or creed, or gingers.