The 24 hour engagement. - Page 4

lumberjim · 05-18-2009, 09:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tiki

Thanks, Queen. I think he should start by being friendly, before moving on to the friendly jabs. Especially in rather serious threads about failed relationships.

There's a time and a place for all things.

i did try being nice to you. you were too busy giving me lectures about forum etiquette to hear it.

I still insist that I have yet to be mean to you.

this time is coming to an end, i fear. ....you know what the music means....

monster · 05-18-2009, 09:18 PM

ooh that picture was rather large.... I'll see if I can edit.

ummmmm...... Clod's thread is called "My Kid is a damn nutter". Yup, that's taking it really seriously. A little on the silly side doesn't hurt, people who insist on zero levity should probably....... EAD :p

monster · 05-18-2009, 09:32 PM

but to return to the OP, Dude, that sucks. but frankly, marriage shouldn't change anything except your taxes and maybe address. If there's any rockiness visible in the relationship -recent past, present or future, now is not the time. She may still be the woman for you, but not now. you're doing the right thing by backing off and holding. it does feel like crap. but soon it won't. and on the bright side, you're a bloke -you're not also dealing with the satanic whisperings of the biological clock

ZenGum · 05-18-2009, 09:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pie

Zen, it takes a little madness to achieve greatness.

Of course. I like the madness. Well, I certainly like the eccentricity. Weird, random, geeky, all good, just don't be boring. Or mean.

Tiki is certainly in the "like" category. I meant that in a good way.

Aliantha · 05-18-2009, 10:34 PM

I guess it's a matter of perspective. I don't think Clods issues should be taken lightly in any way, and I didn't notice anyone else doing so either. Of course, her thread was just an example. As I said, there are plenty more, and usually people treat them with the courtesy and respect the OP probably needs. That's all I'm saying.

Sometimes it's best to do your bickering elsewhere...like in the post whore thread I guess.

disenchanted · 05-19-2009, 02:00 AM

Uh, I'm in no place to say how people should or shouldn't respond.

But I guess I was hoping for something other than a breakdown in what emoticons the place should have, or a pissing match between regulars.

I'm still at a loss, but hearty thanks to the people that did respond in earnest and on topic.

xoxoxoBruce · 05-19-2009, 02:36 AM

It's a good sign, man, a good sign. It means people care enough about your plight to keep coming back. Then without further background information or new development, they amuse themselves, so the thread drifts around a little.
It's like the hospital shows where the cut from the ER to waiting room when things are slow.

05-19-2009, 02:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZenGum

Of course. I like the madness. Well, I certainly like the eccentricity. Weird, random, geeky, all good, just don't be boring. Or mean.

Tiki is certainly in the "like" category. I meant that in a good way.

thanks.

05-19-2009, 02:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by disenchanted

Uh, I'm in no place to say how people should or shouldn't respond.

But I guess I was hoping for something other than a breakdown in what emoticons the place should have, or a pissing match between regulars.

I'm still at a loss, but hearty thanks to the people that did respond in earnest and on topic.

I tried. And I hope it all works out for you, whether with this girl or one you have yet to meet.

disenchanted · 05-19-2009, 02:43 AM

so hey, let me try to drag this back on topic with another consolidated reply.

zengum: I like your line of thinking with the bias towards regretting action vs. regretting inaction. It's just a little academic right now. Depending on how this shakes out, I'll have more insight to whether my bias for action was the right one.

xoxoxoBruce: I'm trying to hang on to hope that it was all panic, but you're right about feeling kicked in the nuts.

alluvial: I probably haven't given full enough detail to say whether I'm a jackass worthy of her being retrospectively glad about her decision.

tiki: I thought we'd turned a corner. There doesn't seem to be a set recipe for how long or how much bliss before it's ok, yeah?

undertoad: big wonky secret is a possibility, sure. But how does one work around or through that?

Queen of the Ryche: It's a small sample set. Right now it's a yes/no. Not quite enough to distinguish a pattern. But I hear you on the possibility of repetitive oscillation (the yo-yo effect)

monster: Aye. There aren't a lot of rules about the significance and temporal locality of troubles though. It's hard to gauge how bad or how recent things are in this sort of decision.

So here's the deal: I'm driving myself batty staying distant, but the longer I go, the more it feels like I'm playing some ill-defined game. I'm not supposed to contact her, yeah? Give her her space, right?

I love her. No matter how fouled up this is right now, a couple days haven't changed how I feel. I'm getting seriously wrapped around the axle on this idea that I'm not supposed to contact her in any way, because it's feeling like a really stupid game. One that everyone has a foggy idea of the rules of (consistent or not), but they hold steadfast to.

I've not contacted her. Game or not, I'm allowing myself the possibility that no contact is the right thing right now.

And for those that say I've not given enough information for specific advice, I'll freely lay out way more relationship history than you'd care to hear. I'm trying to err on the side of "just enough", but you know, I signed up here a couple years ago when I thought I'd found a place that could help me with my last failed relationship.

05-19-2009, 02:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by disenchanted

tiki: I thought we'd turned a corner. There doesn't seem to be a set recipe for how long or how much bliss before it's ok, yeah?

My advice was not based on any set recipe, but simply on observation, and on your description of the situation.

If everything had gone as you hoped, then clearly I would be wrong and my advice would be moot for your situation.

limey · 05-19-2009, 05:27 AM

hey there, disenchanted! How did GF leave it? did she say "never darken my door again" .... "What?!?!?!?!? Er no way" .... "Hmmmmmmm I need some time" ......"I'll be in touch"....
IMHO there are no rules, as such, except to listen to your partner, and communicate with them about how you feel. Did she say she needs space/time? Then I'd say that'd be about a week; then contact her with a gentle, "How are things with you" type communication. Did she say "I'll be in touch ..." then leave it to her, however tough that is, however long it is.

We can't tell you what to do, however much information you give us. Only your GF has the clues. Ask her, gently, to share them with you.

Oh, and by the way, xob is right in post #52 ...

xoxoxoBruce · 05-19-2009, 06:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by disenchanted

undertoad: big wonky secret is a possibility, sure. But how does one work around or through that?

One doesn't, unless given an opportunity to do so by the other one.

The advice we give you has to be pretty general because there is no recipe.
But I can give you one solid fact... the one that loves the least, controls the relationship. Always.

DanaC · 05-19-2009, 07:04 AM

Quote:

But I can give you one solid fact... the one that loves the least, controls the relationship. Always.

That is so true.

Undertoad · 05-19-2009, 08:32 AM

Dis, yeah... we are better at supporting people through problems than actually solving them, unless the solving can be done directly somehow.

Without the lass showing up and working the issues too, we are kind of powerless, but we are a mass of caring people with ideas and ready to share ideas if that helps.

People are sometimes surprised when they get the advice they actually needed, but weren't looking for. Perhaps we can help you through your pain, if we can't help you with your relationship.

05-18-2009, 09:18 PM	#47
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	ooh that picture was rather large.... I'll see if I can edit. ummmmm...... Clod's thread is called "My Kid is a damn nutter". Yup, that's taking it really seriously. A little on the silly side doesn't hurt, people who insist on zero levity should probably....... EAD :p __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

05-18-2009, 09:32 PM	#48
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	but to return to the OP, Dude, that sucks. but frankly, marriage shouldn't change anything except your taxes and maybe address. If there's any rockiness visible in the relationship -recent past, present or future, now is not the time. She may still be the woman for you, but not now. you're doing the right thing by backing off and holding. it does feel like crap. but soon it won't. and on the bright side, you're a bloke -you're not also dealing with the satanic whisperings of the biological clock __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

05-18-2009, 10:34 PM	#50
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	I guess it's a matter of perspective. I don't think Clods issues should be taken lightly in any way, and I didn't notice anyone else doing so either. Of course, her thread was just an example. As I said, there are plenty more, and usually people treat them with the courtesy and respect the OP probably needs. That's all I'm saying. Sometimes it's best to do your bickering elsewhere...like in the post whore thread I guess. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

05-19-2009, 05:27 AM	#57
limey Encroaching on your decrees Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: An island within the south-west coast of Scotland Posts: 7,016	hey there, disenchanted! How did GF leave it? did she say "never darken my door again" .... "What?!?!?!?!? Er no way" .... "Hmmmmmmm I need some time" ......"I'll be in touch".... IMHO there are no rules, as such, except to listen to your partner, and communicate with them about how you feel. Did she say she needs space/time? Then I'd say that'd be about a week; then contact her with a gentle, "How are things with you" type communication. Did she say "I'll be in touch ..." then leave it to her, however tough that is, however long it is. We can't tell you what to do, however much information you give us. Only your GF has the clues. Ask her, gently, to share them with you. Oh, and by the way, xob is right in post #52 ... __________________ Living it up on the edge ... of civilisation, within the southwest coast of

05-19-2009, 02:00 AM	#51
disenchanted Resident President Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 81	Uh, I'm in no place to say how people should or shouldn't respond. But I guess I was hoping for something other than a breakdown in what emoticons the place should have, or a pissing match between regulars. I'm still at a loss, but hearty thanks to the people that did respond in earnest and on topic.

05-19-2009, 02:36 AM	#52
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	It's a good sign, man, a good sign. It means people care enough about your plight to keep coming back. Then without further background information or new development, they amuse themselves, so the thread drifts around a little. It's like the hospital shows where the cut from the ER to waiting room when things are slow. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

05-19-2009, 02:43 AM	#55
disenchanted Resident President Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 81	so hey, let me try to drag this back on topic with another consolidated reply. zengum: I like your line of thinking with the bias towards regretting action vs. regretting inaction. It's just a little academic right now. Depending on how this shakes out, I'll have more insight to whether my bias for action was the right one. xoxoxoBruce: I'm trying to hang on to hope that it was all panic, but you're right about feeling kicked in the nuts. alluvial: I probably haven't given full enough detail to say whether I'm a jackass worthy of her being retrospectively glad about her decision. tiki: I thought we'd turned a corner. There doesn't seem to be a set recipe for how long or how much bliss before it's ok, yeah? undertoad: big wonky secret is a possibility, sure. But how does one work around or through that? Queen of the Ryche: It's a small sample set. Right now it's a yes/no. Not quite enough to distinguish a pattern. But I hear you on the possibility of repetitive oscillation (the yo-yo effect) monster: Aye. There aren't a lot of rules about the significance and temporal locality of troubles though. It's hard to gauge how bad or how recent things are in this sort of decision. So here's the deal: I'm driving myself batty staying distant, but the longer I go, the more it feels like I'm playing some ill-defined game. I'm not supposed to contact her, yeah? Give her her space, right? I love her. No matter how fouled up this is right now, a couple days haven't changed how I feel. I'm getting seriously wrapped around the axle on this idea that I'm not supposed to contact her in any way, because it's feeling like a really stupid game. One that everyone has a foggy idea of the rules of (consistent or not), but they hold steadfast to. I've not contacted her. Game or not, I'm allowing myself the possibility that no contact is the right thing right now. And for those that say I've not given enough information for specific advice, I'll freely lay out way more relationship history than you'd care to hear. I'm trying to err on the side of "just enough", but you know, I signed up here a couple years ago when I thought I'd found a place that could help me with my last failed relationship.

05-19-2009, 08:32 AM	#60
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	Dis, yeah... we are better at supporting people through problems than actually solving them, unless the solving can be done directly somehow. Without the lass showing up and working the issues too, we are kind of powerless, but we are a mass of caring people with ideas and ready to share ideas if that helps. People are sometimes surprised when they get the advice they actually needed, but weren't looking for. Perhaps we can help you through your pain, if we can't help you with your relationship.

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