Why Can't Men Say the Things We Women Need to Hear?

[MaggieL]

Originally Posted by wolf

Get the Mars/Venus book. It really explains the hows and whys of the whole communications style differences thing, in very easy to understand terms.

At this point I get the sense there's a lot more gone awry here than the usual Mars v. Venus stuff.

I'd start implementing those "steps to healthy communications" from my earlier posts...because when it's gotten to the point of venting to [relative] strangers online the relationship talk is failing utterly.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Strangers? We's family.

[MaggieL]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Strangers? We's family.

"[relative] strangers". Our welcoming attitude aside, if people on a BBS she joined last week are not strangers relative to her husband, something's even wronger than I thought...

[Ibby]

Y'gotta admit, we're all pretty strange, here...

[dar512]

Originally Posted by MaggieL

"[relative] strangers".

You got that right. All my relatives are a little strange.

[yesman065]

Sometimes its best to just vent to "Relative Strangers" that way you can say ABSOLUTELY whatever you want without real repercussions. Many times you will also get the responses you NEED not just the ones you WANT. Its amazing how you can tailor your vent to a friend to make them sympathetic to your stance whereby here "In da Cellar" you will be told in no uncertain terms exactly what the real deal is. If you are right you'll know and if you're wrong - boy will Bruce let you know

Tell him how it makes you feel, exactly how it makes you feel.
Then tell him to stop saying it.
If he doesn't like the weeds he can pull em'.

At the same time, it is true that no one can expect to be courted for life, that is just silly, unless you put-out the same amount as you did & in the same way when you were being courted while overlooking as much too.

[MaggieL]

Originally Posted by yesman065

Sometimes its best to just vent to "Relative Strangers" that way you can say ABSOLUTELY whatever you want without real repercussions. Many times you will also get the responses you NEED not just the ones you WANT. Its amazing how you can tailor your vent to a friend to make them sympathetic to your stance whereby here "In da Cellar" you will be told in no uncertain terms exactly what the real deal is. If you are right you'll know and if you're wrong - boy will Bruce let you know

Well...I did say this was a good place to vent if that's what you wanted to do. But sometimes venting gets in the way of doing important communicating in a relationship because it temporarily relieves the pressure without actually improving the situation. External validation is well and good as far as it goes, but it's not a substitute for doing the hard work.

[xoxoxoBruce]

True but it can be a way to check if you're completely whacked before going ahead with the work.

If you are right you'll know and if you're wrong - boy will Bruce let you know

Not exactly, I'll let you know what I think, but that doesn't mean I'm right. You have to evaluate that for yourself. All I promise, is to be honest, but it's still an opinion.

[yesman065]

"Not exactly, I'll let you know what I think, but that doesn't mean I'm right. You have to evaluate that for yourself. All I promise, is to be honest, but it's still an opinion."

Sorry Bruce - as usual you are correct - I made a poor choice of words.

Maggie, I never meant to imply that it was a substitute for anything. I do think that is can be used as a trial balloon which can avoid one from having to needlessly enter into conflict management.

[cableguy]

Originally Posted by MaggieL

"[relative] strangers". Our welcoming attitude aside, if people on a BBS she joined last week are not strangers relative to her husband, something's even wronger than I thought...

I lurked on this board for a while before starting to post. I found that this place was a refreshing change from the other boards I hang out at.

I've lways considered myself a bit of an oddball, I always go against the grain.
In that respect, I feel somewhat at home here, and at the same time, I'm finding myself in unchartered waters, 'cause sometime I'm not sure what to say.

I often tell her exactly what she wants to hear. When I get caught it gets ugly.

[MaggieL]

Originally Posted by yesman065

Maggie, I never meant to imply that it was a substitute for anything.

Nor did I meant to imply I thought you implied it...but I've certainly seen people use it as a substitute. I think that's one reason we see online relationships supplant face-to-face ones so often.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by cableguy

I've lways considered myself a bit of an oddball, I always go against the grain.
In that respect, I feel somewhat at home here, and at the same time, I'm finding myself in unchartered waters, 'cause sometime I'm not sure what to say.

You can't please everyone so you gotta please yourself.
Just say what you're thinking and if someone disagrees, so what? If you're being honest you probably won't come off like an asshole. And if you do, someones is sure to tell you.

[Aliantha]

When I read the first post in this thread it made me think of my brother. There were only the two of us kids in our family and life wasn't always grand, but it was pretty good most of the time. We were lucky.

The thing that reminds me of my brother in the first post is that in every aspect of life, he sees the negatives eg weeds (a particular pet hate of my brothers) or spending too much on postage or just posting stuff wrongly according to his particular set of rules.

I would like to say that I don't believe this particular school of thought has anything to do with anyone's sex. It's got to do with each individual school of thought. Where some people like to see the positives, others like to see the negatives.

Being a positive person myself, I find it difficult to understand why people prefer to feel negatively about things. What benefit can there possibly be? Does it give them a sense of superiority to point out that you're not perfect? I think perhaps yes. At least, that's what Dr Phil would say I'm sure. Maybe it's just plain jealousy that causes someone to only see the negative things and never comment on the positives.

Fortunately for me, the man in my life is very supportive and positive about everything I do, unless it's something stupid, in which case, I probably don't need him to tell me that anyway.