"Band Drama"; or, Don't be this person

Undertoad · 04-22-2011, 03:11 PM

Presented merely for your enjoyment. Please note that

A) he was fired from the band 18 months ago; and

B) when he was let go, he was told in no uncertain terms that it was because he did not have the chops.

infinite monkey · 04-22-2011, 03:27 PM

Heeheee, having been married to a musician I can say that all y'all could write a whole book each on band drama!

Flint · 04-22-2011, 03:29 PM

Almost nothing else I can imagine in polite society would be as brutal, for the recipient, as being droppped from a gig due expressly due to lack of talent or ability. We are taught that life isn't as cold as this. A girl doesn't tell a guy that she breaks up with "It's because you aren't any good in bed," for instance.

If, as you say, this guy was told that he was let go due to "not having the chops," I can imagine that he has a hard time wrapping his mind around this message. These other, conspiracy theories, are what he comes up with to rationalize the situation.

But goddang, dawg, your response to him is harsh. People think I'm tough? Man, in real life, I go so much easier on people than you did here.

Granted, I don't have the inside persepctive on this situation.

Undertoad · 04-22-2011, 04:00 PM

I had two versions of my reply written. In the first version, I said there are times in your life when you are simply not permitted emotional closure. Getting dropped by someone you cared about. Getting fired from a job. The death of a loved one. And, yes, getting let go from a band. And it's NOT polite. But that's because it can't be. Look, each of us had reasons for wanting you to stay and wanting you to go. But in the long run, isn't it even MORE rude for me to detail everyone's considerations? And, think about it, do you really want a list of things we thought you might have done right or wrong? No, because then there would not be closure again; all the old wounds would open. When really, isn't it the best behavior to simply put this behind you, concentrate on improving yourself for yourself, and find a new act to kick ass in? Because if you believe in yourself, and seriously want to be playing music, dwelling on past situations is simply self-destructive. Think about it, won't you? I do wish you the best, but please, inherent in your question is you asking me to betray the people with whom I remain in a functional, working band. Not only would that be highly professional of me, but I would not remain their friends for long if I did that, you understand?

...but in the end, I realized that he really wouldn't understand it, and would just continue to stew. And he proved me right immediately. I told him A) his question was rude and B) it was all high school drama bullshit. His response: A) I'm sorry you took the question that way, so sorry that I will now ask it again. B) I'm doubling down on the high school drama bullshit.

Clodfobble · 04-22-2011, 04:21 PM

Personally, I do think the reply in purple would have been far kinder. But I don't know this guy at all, and it seems like you have a long history of experience with him being a drama queen, so there's probably more to it than what we see on the page here.

Undertoad · 04-22-2011, 04:40 PM

He was in the band for six months. He was let go 18 months ago. This is the third episode of weird drama since then.

Let me tell you the final straw. The dude came into a 4 piece band as the keyboardist, so naturally there are only kb parts in half the songs, because you don't immediately change your entire song list.

We say "hey, take a guitarish-sounding patch and just riff with us. You don't have to play anything major, just add to the overall sound."

But he never really does this seriously. And, finally, in the last gig, during the songs he wasn't a part of, he took out his Blackberry and casually browsed with it. On stage.

ZenGum · 04-22-2011, 08:52 PM

Quote:

Citing "artistic differences"
The band broke up in May
And in June reformed without me
and they got a different name...

What a socially inept question to ask! Why don't you guys like me? Huh? Huh?

There is no way that can be answered without being unkind. I'd say best option is to be clinical and precise with the unkindness, aiming for a surgical amputation of hope, rather than putting a bandaid over the festering wound of self-delusion.

We asked you to leave because you were not a very skilled musician, did not fit well with the group, and behaved unprofessionally on stage. Given that you think it is appropriate to ask me such an awkward question, it is unlikely that these things have changed, so you're still out. Move on.

Keyboardist's name wasn't Pam, was it?

Clodfobble · 04-22-2011, 10:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Undertoad

he took out his Blackberry and casually browsed with it. On stage.

Hooooly cow. This could have been your response to him, right there. "You were kicked out of the band because you fucking browsed your phone on stage, dumbass. Oh, and also because you sucked."

Sundae · 04-23-2011, 05:21 AM

I had a kinda similar weird situation with a guy I dated for a few weeks.

MONTHS after he threw me out of his house Saturday morning, citing "things to do" (I had come down from Leicester to see him, my return ticket was Sunday) he contacted me asking what I felt had gone wrong. He said it had been bugging him that things didn't work out between us, because he found me very physically attractive, and one of his (female) friends suggested he got my take on what had actually happened.

I refused, saying I had no intention of raking up the past or saying mean things (he had a LOT of issues, which is why I cut my losses). And I didn't tell him, but the sex was certainly not worth the drama.

There are some real nutters out there.

DanaC · 04-23-2011, 05:34 AM

Having read down the thread i can see your point. But, I have to say just going off the op with the example of the conversation, it looked like he was asking a perfectly reasonable (if slightly needy) question. Your response, on first seeing it seemed unreasonably aggressive and unpleasant.

My instinct is to suggest that a response that basically feeds back his own analysis to him might have been kinder. Something along the lines of:

Well, as you say it wasn't really a good fit for any of us. The band didn't have enough of a need for a keyboard specialist to justify having one permanently in the band. Having you in the band therefore did neither of us any favours: we had an extra bandmember without a real need for one therefore requiring us to find ways of using him, and you were in a band that didn't really need your skills, leaving you off on the sidelines being bored and underused.

Nirvana · 04-23-2011, 08:44 AM

I in that situation may have repeated your first response thanking him, over and over if he continued so he would have thought you were a "dick" or that you had an auto responder

LOL@ZG

Undertoad · 04-23-2011, 08:49 AM

Problem with that is, I won't lie.

Ahh, this is one I probably shouldn't have shared because it does lack all this background. Guitarist loved my response. SG has it: it's like the person you broke up with can't accept it, is entirely unrealistic, and wants all sorts of reasons, and keeps bugging for a year and a half. At some point you give him the back of your hand, an angry fuck off, which is what I did here.

jimhelm · 04-23-2011, 11:51 AM

I have video of him singing poorly on my youtube page if you're interested

edit: I just rewatched it... poorly is kind. it's really god-awful. Tony looks good though

04-22-2011, 03:11 PM	#1
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	"Band Drama"; or, Don't be this person Presented merely for your enjoyment. Please note that A) he was fired from the band 18 months ago; and B) when he was let go, he was told in no uncertain terms that it was because he did not have the chops.

04-22-2011, 03:29 PM	#3
Flint Snowflake Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Dystopia Posts: 13,136	Almost nothing else I can imagine in polite society would be as brutal, for the recipient, as being droppped from a gig due expressly due to lack of talent or ability. We are taught that life isn't as cold as this. A girl doesn't tell a guy that she breaks up with "It's because you aren't any good in bed," for instance. If, as you say, this guy was told that he was let go due to "not having the chops," I can imagine that he has a hard time wrapping his mind around this message. These other, conspiracy theories, are what he comes up with to rationalize the situation. But goddang, dawg, your response to him is harsh. People think I'm tough? Man, in real life, I go so much easier on people than you did here. Granted, I don't have the inside persepctive on this situation. __________________ **************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio**

04-22-2011, 04:21 PM	#5
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	Personally, I do think the reply in purple would have been far kinder. But I don't know this guy at all, and it seems like you have a long history of experience with him being a drama queen, so there's probably more to it than what we see on the page here. __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

04-23-2011, 08:44 AM	#11
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	I in that situation may have repeated your first response thanking him, over and over if he continued so he would have thought you were a "dick" or that you had an auto responder LOL@ZG __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

04-23-2011, 11:51 AM	#13
jimhelm a beautiful fool Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: 39.939705 Posts: 4,504	I have video of him singing poorly on my youtube page if you're interested edit: I just rewatched it... poorly is kind. it's really god-awful. Tony looks good though __________________ There's a Shadow just behind me. Shrouding every step I take. Making every promise empty, pointing every finger at me. _tool

04-22-2011, 03:27 PM	#2
infinite monkey Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 13,002	Heeheee, having been married to a musician I can say that all y'all could write a whole book each on band drama!

04-22-2011, 04:00 PM	#4
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	I had two versions of my reply written. In the first version, I said there are times in your life when you are simply not permitted emotional closure. Getting dropped by someone you cared about. Getting fired from a job. The death of a loved one. And, yes, getting let go from a band. And it's NOT polite. But that's because it can't be. Look, each of us had reasons for wanting you to stay and wanting you to go. But in the long run, isn't it even MORE rude for me to detail everyone's considerations? And, think about it, do you really want a list of things we thought you might have done right or wrong? No, because then there would not be closure again; all the old wounds would open. When really, isn't it the best behavior to simply put this behind you, concentrate on improving yourself for yourself, and find a new act to kick ass in? Because if you believe in yourself, and seriously want to be playing music, dwelling on past situations is simply self-destructive. Think about it, won't you? I do wish you the best, but please, inherent in your question is you asking me to betray the people with whom I remain in a functional, working band. Not only would that be highly professional of me, but I would not remain their friends for long if I did that, you understand? ...but in the end, I realized that he really wouldn't understand it, and would just continue to stew. And he proved me right immediately. I told him A) his question was rude and B) it was all high school drama bullshit. His response: A) I'm sorry you took the question that way, so sorry that I will now ask it again. B) I'm doubling down on the high school drama bullshit.

04-22-2011, 04:40 PM	#6
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	He was in the band for six months. He was let go 18 months ago. This is the third episode of weird drama since then. Let me tell you the final straw. The dude came into a 4 piece band as the keyboardist, so naturally there are only kb parts in half the songs, because you don't immediately change your entire song list. We say "hey, take a guitarish-sounding patch and just riff with us. You don't have to play anything major, just add to the overall sound." But he never really does this seriously. And, finally, in the last gig, during the songs he wasn't a part of, he took out his Blackberry and casually browsed with it. On stage.

04-23-2011, 05:21 AM	#9
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	I had a kinda similar weird situation with a guy I dated for a few weeks. MONTHS after he threw me out of his house Saturday morning, citing "things to do" (I had come down from Leicester to see him, my return ticket was Sunday) he contacted me asking what I felt had gone wrong. He said it had been bugging him that things didn't work out between us, because he found me very physically attractive, and one of his (female) friends suggested he got my take on what had actually happened. I refused, saying I had no intention of raking up the past or saying mean things (he had a LOT of issues, which is why I cut my losses). And I didn't tell him, but the sex was certainly not worth the drama. There are some real nutters out there.

04-23-2011, 08:49 AM	#12
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	Problem with that is, I won't lie. Ahh, this is one I probably shouldn't have shared because it does lack all this background. Guitarist loved my response. SG has it: it's like the person you broke up with can't accept it, is entirely unrealistic, and wants all sorts of reasons, and keeps bugging for a year and a half. At some point you give him the back of your hand, an angry fuck off, which is what I did here.

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