Why Can't Men Say the Things We Women Need to Hear?

[Hagar]

Originally Posted by Aliantha

...I would like to say that I don't believe this particular school of thought has anything to do with anyone's sex. It's got to do with each individual school of thought. Where some people like to see the positives, others like to see the negatives...

I think that this is spot on. It's down to personalities and points of view MUCH more than gender.

[xoxoxoBruce]

You know, I wonder too;
Why do women need to hear those things men don't?

[goldencomfort1968]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

You know, I wonder too;
Why do women need to hear those things men don't?

For me...I need to hear those things to know that everything is alright. It makes me feel appreciated when he does the things he used to do when we first met. And I hate it when people say..."oh, guys aren't like that. They can't express their true emotions." That's a bunch of bull...because they sure know how to say and do all the right things when they are trying to get us to date them, marry them, have sex with them, etc. In the Mars Venus book it says that Women need to feel cherished and men need to feel needed. When he says loving things and such it makes me feel cherished.

[xoxoxoBruce]

They can't express their true emotions." That's a bunch of bull...because they sure know how to say and do all the right things when they are trying to get us to date them, marry them, have sex with them, etc.

That's not expressing true emotions, that's using what you want, as a tool to get what we want.

[goldencomfort1968]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

That's not expressing true emotions, that's using what you want, as a tool to get what we want.

Whatever

Originally Posted by goldencomfort1968

Whatever

The rudest thing anyone can ever say.
Ironic in this thread.

My wife and I talked about this... she said that she would hate it if I still played the "games of dating still" she much prefers to know me as I really am and how I truly feel. Her "friend, lover and true companion" not some guy "trying to impress her".
Guess she grew out of the neediness.
I'm very fortunate.

[xoxoxoBruce]

That tells me goldencomfort1968 is not interested in the truth. She just wants to whine about men. Pity.

[yesman065]

I share more of how I actually feel with my current SO than I ever did with my ex. My current SO appreciates my openness and honesty a great deal. Me? I feel akward telling her a lot of how I feel and it used to make me feel somewhat "less a man" at first and now I fel more empowered and free knowing that I can express my emotions without repercussions, being looked down upon, or less "manly". Thats my biggest gripe - that men apparently aren't supposed to behave a certain way and then we are judged negatively for doing so.

[goldencomfort1968]

Originally Posted by rkzenrage

The rudest thing anyone can ever say.
Ironic in this thread.

My wife and I talked about this... she said that she would hate it if I still played the "games of dating still" she much prefers to know me as I really am and how I truly feel. Her "friend, lover and true companion" not some guy "trying to impress her".
Guess she grew out of the neediness.
I'm very fortunate.

I'm sorry...my intentions were not to be rude. That comment was simply out of frustration of not being able to get my point across. I feel that I have been missunderstood and that all I want to do is "whine" and "complain" about men. I don't feel that is true. I'm not looking for my husband to constantly cater to me or constantly be in a romantic mood showering me with flowers, love and affection. I'm simply wishing he'd do more of the loving gestures that he used to do rather than acting the way he is now and has been for quite some time. I'm simply expressing how much I miss that and how that made me feel appreciated and how his actions now make me feel unappreciated.

For instance...and a small example...last summer I had to have an emergency appendectomy. I had surgery late at night and was released late the following day. My husband stayed the night with me in a recliner next to my hospital bed. That was so sweet and caring of him. I really felt truly loved. He stopped at the pharmacy on our way home so he could pick up my prescriptions, etc. He helped get me settled and took good care of me for a couple days. This was over the weekend because my surgery was on a Thursday night and I was released Friday late afternoon. Then when he went back to work everything changed. He got a horrible attitude. Under Dr's orders, I couldn't drive for a week. I was instructed to move around as much as possible but to be sure not to overdue it or I would aggrivate everything and end up back in surgery. So, I made a dinner with what I had on hand at home and with that we were able to have leftovers for a couple days. One evening I made something different out of the leftovers so that he could just warm it up when he got home late from having to put in some extra hours at work. When he got home, he looked in the fridge disguisted. Stormed out of the house with barely saying a word. Meanwhile I'm left there wondering what was wrong and what I had done. He comes back home in a few minutes with all the makings for pizza. And at 8:00 at night he started making pizza. Never once did he ask if I was doing OK, if we needed anything because he was going to the store, or if I had dinner yet. I was very hurt and upset and trying to get well on top of all of this. He couldn't understand why I was so upset. I tried to explain to him and asked why he didn't eat what I had already made for him and he yelled at me (his wife...a few days into recovering from surgery) and said "I've had chicken ALL WEEK!!" Even though I had put the effort out to make it into something different when I didn't feel well.

So, yes...I guess I'm still a little bitter about that and other times he's hurt my feelings. Maybe I am complaining....I feel I have that right. And NO this incident I just described isn't the only one...It's just an example of many that have occured lately. There was another time after I came home from the hospital following a bout with kidney stones that he just left me to fend for myself. Yet, when he had hernia surgery, I was there for him (yes, because I wanted to be there for him) and made sure he had whatever he needed.

I agree with you, this is wrong, but as far removed from romance as the problem as something can be.
This is a common courtesy/caring issue... wayyyy beyond lack of communication.
We learned long ago, those whom it is easiest to forget to be polite to are those you need to be the most polite to, the most often.
An excuse me for a burp in bed goes a LONG damn way.
Please pardon me for saying so, but it is time for marriage counseling... trust me, I know.
The other side of this is... what do you think you can do to make him understand how he is making you feel? Obviously other than telling him without guilt trips, yelling or crying.

[xoxoxoBruce]

So, yes...I guess I'm still a little bitter about that and other times he's hurt my feelings.

This is one of the reasons men don't share their feelings. Women don't let anything go, they remember every slight, real and imagined, including feelings shared they don't want to hear.

I realize that's a broad brush and there are exceptions, BUT, I've seen it happen so much, to me and others, I firmly believe it.
I've had statements I supposedly made, quoted to me out of context, 22 fucking years later.

[MaggieL]

Originally Posted by rkzenrage

This is a common courtesy/caring issue... wayyyy beyond lack of communication.

Those are all bound up together. If communication is successful, courtesy and caring follow--and vice versa; you have to care to want to communicate.

Oh, the other possible outcome of sucessful communication is homicde. Biut that's rarer :-).

[Ibby]

I agree with bruce, that is one problem I have had often... things thrown at me that I had completely forgotten had even happened.

Maybe it's his job that's the problem? He sounds like his job has him waaay too high-strung, he needs to mellow ouuuutttt...

[xoxoxoBruce]

Oh, the other possible outcome of sucessful communication is homicde. Biut that's rarer :-).

Not much consolation to the homicidee.

Originally Posted by Ibram

I agree with bruce, that is one problem I have had often... things thrown at me that I had completely forgotten had even happened.

Maybe it's his job that's the problem? He sounds like his job has him waaay too high-strung, he needs to mellow ouuuutttt...

My wife knows better... I refuse to let those bother me.
Once an apology has been accepted, the deed is dead, period, end of story.
If someone throws something up in my face that they have accepted an apology for it is a game and is to be treated as such, nothing more.

Also, I said something earlier "how he makes you feel"... that is a figure of speech.
No one can "make" anyone feel anything, ever.
How one chooses to accept/take something dictates how they feel about what is said. It is choice, always.

Originally Posted by MaggieL

Those are all bound up together. If communication is successful, courtesy and caring follow--and vice versa; you have to care to want to communicate.

Oh, the other possible outcome of sucessful communication is homicde. Biut that's rarer :-).

I don't agree at all, one can communicate screw-you my slave perfectly successfully, and that seems to be going on.