Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 48

capnhowdy · 01-31-2006, 07:37 PM

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house and walked home.

FallenFairy · 02-01-2006, 12:38 PM

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then replied, "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was getting ready to go hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'Bang, bang!!!'

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

Cyclefrance · 02-01-2006, 05:17 PM

One for the ladies...

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight.

When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old.

As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be back before lunch time tomorrow.

Spexxvet · 02-01-2006, 05:42 PM

The ninety-year-old man stood as the charges were read: assault with a dead weapon. He was acquitted, though, because the evidence wouldn't stand up in court.

busterb · 02-01-2006, 08:13 PM

The Bus Trip
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter
a
double-decker bus for a week-end gambling trip to Louisiana. The
Brunette
team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top
level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a
great
time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the
Blondes

upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette
reached
the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight
ahead
at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The

brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great
time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard
and
whispered.
YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!

02-02-2006, 02:17 AM

How did the punkrocker cross the street?

Stapled to a chicken.

FallenFairy · 02-02-2006, 10:23 AM

What's brown and sticky??
.
.
.
A stick.

Cyclefrance · 02-05-2006, 12:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dov

How did the punkrocker cross the street?

Stapled to a chicken.

Similar...

Why did the pervert cross the road?

He was stuck in a chicken

Cyclefrance · 02-06-2006, 09:27 AM

This guy goes to get in his car one morning and to his surprise he sees two penguins sat on the back seat - quite comfortable and looking out through the windows.

The guy is scratching his head wondering how they got there when his friend turns up: 'What's up?' says the friend.

'There's two penguins in the back of my car and I'm not sure what to do...'

' Well, if I were you,' says the friend, 'I'd take them to the zoo.'

'Good idea!' says the guy. He gets in the car and drives off.

Next day the friend is passing the guy's house and notices his car still with two penguins in it, only this time they're wearing sunglasses. Luckily the guy comes out.

' What's going on?' says the friend. 'I thought you were going to take them to the zoo.'

'I did,' answers the guy, ' and they enjoyed it so much I thought I'd take them to the beach today...'

Radar · 02-06-2006, 10:39 AM

A really ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks, "Are they twins?"

The woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?"

"No," he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"

BigV · 02-06-2006, 01:42 PM

Joe, the bartender, has been watching Ben, the barfly, try to attract the attentions of a woman in the bar. Ben has decided that, absent flowers, candy was the ticket. He hails Joe and says (with some ambition, it appears),

"Joe, Joe, I want a bucket of chocolate daquiris! A BIG one!" and slaps the bar for emphasis.

Joe replies, "Ben, we ain't got no chocolate."

Ben only understands the general sense that he didn't get what he wanted, so he tries again, "Joe, come on, just give me a pitcher of chocolate daquiris. Hurry!".

Joe's frustrated that while Ben's whole attention is on the woman at the end of the bar, he still has to deal with his demand, minus Ben's higher thought processes. "Ben, we ain't got no fucking chocolate! Understand?!"

Ben is trying to be reasonable, but Joe is not cooperating. He turns, finally, to Joe and asks as clearly as he can, "Joe, please, can I have two chocolate daquiris, one for me and one for her?"

Ben is finally relieved to have the remains of Ben's attention and looks him in the eye and says, "Joe, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?"

"What? Shit. Sure. V-A-N."

"Good. Can you spell the STRAW in strawberry?"

Big sigh. "S-T-R-A-W."

"Great, Ben. Can you spell the FUCK in chocolate?"

"What?! I'm just trying to get a drink here! There ain't no FUCK in chocolate!"

"That, you idiot, is what I'm trying to tell you. There AIN'T NO FUCKIN' CHOCOLATE!"

Granola Goddess · 02-06-2006, 05:53 PM

Subject: Airplane Mechanics

Airplane Mechanics Dave and Jim were a couple of Winnipeg drinking buddies
who worked as airplane mechanics in St Andrews.

One day the airport wassnowed in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says" Me too. Ya know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a
buzz. Ya wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get
completely smashed.

The next morning Dave wakes up at home in bed, unsure of how he got there
but surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO
bad side effects. Nothing!

His phone rings... It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Dave says, "I feel great, not sure what we did last night or
How I got home but no hangover at all!. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too.

You don't have a hangover?"

Dave says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff!...no hangover, nothing. We
ought to do this more often."

Jim says, "Yeah, well there's just one thing... Have you farted yet?"

"No..."

Well, DON'T. I'm in Thunder Bay".

Cyclefrance · 02-07-2006, 02:31 AM

Thunder Bay works well as a destination - given the mode of transportation

The late Irish-English comedian Spike Milligan (his gravestone bears the epitaph 'I told them I was ill!') was renowned for his silly verses - reminded me of one that started:

Maverick Prowles
Had rumbling bowels
That thundered in the night...

Happy Monkey · 02-09-2006, 09:19 AM

sandypossum · 02-13-2006, 06:27 PM

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club. One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoo's all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?

The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

01-31-2006, 07:37 PM	#706
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house and walked home. __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

02-01-2006, 12:38 PM	#707
FallenFairy nope Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 322	An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then replied, "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was getting ready to go hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'Bang, bang!!!' Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly". __________________ ~going, going... gone now

02-01-2006, 05:17 PM	#708
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	One for the ladies... My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year old body can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed - I shall be back home before midnight. When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table: My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back before lunch time tomorrow. __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears

02-01-2006, 05:42 PM	#709
Spexxvet Makes some feel uncomfortable Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 10,346	The ninety-year-old man stood as the charges were read: assault with a dead weapon. He was acquitted, though, because the evidence wouldn't stand up in court. __________________ "I'm certainly free, nay compelled, to spread the gospel of Spex. " - xoxoxoBruce

02-01-2006, 08:13 PM	#710
busterb NSABFD Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: MS. usa Posts: 3,908	The Bus Trip Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a week-end gambling trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered. YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER! __________________ I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch.

02-02-2006, 02:17 AM	#711
dov Guest Posts: n/a	How did the punkrocker cross the street? Stapled to a chicken.

02-02-2006, 10:23 AM	#712
FallenFairy nope Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 322	What's brown and sticky?? . . . A stick. __________________ ~going, going... gone now

02-06-2006, 09:27 AM	#714
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	This guy goes to get in his car one morning and to his surprise he sees two penguins sat on the back seat - quite comfortable and looking out through the windows. The guy is scratching his head wondering how they got there when his friend turns up: 'What's up?' says the friend. 'There's two penguins in the back of my car and I'm not sure what to do...' ' Well, if I were you,' says the friend, 'I'd take them to the zoo.' 'Good idea!' says the guy. He gets in the car and drives off. Next day the friend is passing the guy's house and notices his car still with two penguins in it, only this time they're wearing sunglasses. Luckily the guy comes out. ' What's going on?' says the friend. 'I thought you were going to take them to the zoo.' 'I did,' answers the guy, ' and they enjoyed it so much I thought I'd take them to the beach today...' __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears Last edited by Cyclefrance; 02-06-2006 at 10:59 AM.

02-06-2006, 10:39 AM	#715
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	A really ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks, "Are they twins?" The woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?" "No," he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice!" __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

02-06-2006, 01:42 PM	#716
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	Joe, the bartender, has been watching Ben, the barfly, try to attract the attentions of a woman in the bar. Ben has decided that, absent flowers, candy was the ticket. He hails Joe and says (with some ambition, it appears), "Joe, Joe, I want a bucket of chocolate daquiris! A BIG one!" and slaps the bar for emphasis. Joe replies, "Ben, we ain't got no chocolate." Ben only understands the general sense that he didn't get what he wanted, so he tries again, "Joe, come on, just give me a pitcher of chocolate daquiris. Hurry!". Joe's frustrated that while Ben's whole attention is on the woman at the end of the bar, he still has to deal with his demand, minus Ben's higher thought processes. "Ben, we ain't got no fucking chocolate! Understand?!" Ben is trying to be reasonable, but Joe is not cooperating. He turns, finally, to Joe and asks as clearly as he can, "Joe, please, can I have two chocolate daquiris, one for me and one for her?" Ben is finally relieved to have the remains of Ben's attention and looks him in the eye and says, "Joe, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?" "What? Shit. Sure. V-A-N." "Good. Can you spell the STRAW in strawberry?" Big sigh. "S-T-R-A-W." "Great, Ben. Can you spell the FUCK in chocolate?" "What?! I'm just trying to get a drink here! There ain't no FUCK in chocolate!" "That, you idiot, is what I'm trying to tell you. There AIN'T NO FUCKIN' CHOCOLATE!" __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

02-06-2006, 05:53 PM	#717
Granola Goddess I'll Have Sprouts With That Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: North of You Guyz Posts: 61	Airplane Mechanics Subject: Airplane Mechanics Airplane Mechanics Dave and Jim were a couple of Winnipeg drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in St Andrews. One day the airport wassnowed in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says" Me too. Ya know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. Ya wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Dave wakes up at home in bed, unsure of how he got there but surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! His phone rings... It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Dave says, "I feel great, not sure what we did last night or How I got home but no hangover at all!. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Dave says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff!...no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." Jim says, "Yeah, well there's just one thing... Have you farted yet?" "No..." Well, DON'T. I'm in Thunder Bay".

02-07-2006, 02:31 AM	#718
Cyclefrance Pump my ride! Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Deep countryside of Surrey , England Posts: 1,890	Thunder Bay works well as a destination - given the mode of transportation The late Irish-English comedian Spike Milligan (his gravestone bears the epitaph 'I told them I was ill!') was renowned for his silly verses - reminded me of one that started: Maverick Prowles Had rumbling bowels That thundered in the night... __________________ Always sufficient hills - never sufficient gears Last edited by Cyclefrance; 02-07-2006 at 02:40 AM.

02-09-2006, 09:19 AM	#719
Happy Monkey I think this line's mostly filler. Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: DC Posts: 13,575	__________________ _________________ \|...............\| We live in the nick of times. \| Len 17, Wid 3 \| \|_______________\| [pics]

02-13-2006, 06:27 PM	#720
sandypossum tri-continental dag hag Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Australia Posts: 247	A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club. One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoo's all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club." The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle? The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway. The biker asks, "Do you drink?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink everyone in your club under the table." The biker asks, "Do you smoke?" The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the evening, while I'm shooting pool." The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

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