Why Can't Men Say the Things We Women Need to Hear?

goldencomfort1968 · 05-26-2006, 04:38 PM

For instance...my husband made a comment last night about a "project" of mine. I have things that I make and sell on-line and I ship them in a small box. I prefer to do that because I don't want to take the chance of them getting mangled in the mail by shipping them in a padded envelope. Well, every time he sees me packaging up a shipment he ALWAYS makes the comment "isn't there a different way to ship those?" and I ALWAYS explain why I ship them in a box. So last night when I was boxing up a package he made that comment again. I think I kept my cool pretty well. I said with a smile "you don't like the box...do you." He said "it just seems like overkill to send it in a box. I just thought there might be another less expensive way." I told him, like I've told him time and time again, that it costs the same to send it in a small box as it does to send it in a padded envelope. I said "i've explained over and over why I ship in a box and still every time you see me package an order up you make that comment." Plus...he is the "weed police" as I call it. We'll be in the yard and I'll point out some flowers that are coming up in the flower beds that I've worked so hard on and he'll say they are pretty and point out a weed. Or in the garden I've planted (he usually does the veggie garden, but he has other things going on this year so I'm doing one) I pointed out how the plants are starting to come up and he points out weeds that I need to take care of. It just seems like lots of negatives that I don't need right now. It would be much better to hear "the flowers are sure pretty", "the garden is doing good", and "that's a great way to ship your product."

glatt · 05-26-2006, 04:40 PM

deja vu...

MaggieL · 05-26-2006, 06:32 PM

OK...you want an explanation?

Here's the deal:

He says: "isn't there a different way to ship those?"

You hear: "Thiose silly little things you're shipping out don't deserve an entire box. "

You're thinking "I'm sending out a little piece of myself here and I don't want it to get hurt on the way to somebody I'm hoping will love it."

He meant to say "I care about your project and I want to be helpful; since I'm the practical one maybe I can help you save money."

But he can't even say that....because he's a guy, and it's against the rules for guys.

This is a subject I know more than a little about. You don't know why yet but hang around here long enough and you'll find out. :-)

footfootfoot · 05-26-2006, 10:02 PM

Wow! MaggieL, pick any prize on the top shelf!

Being able to remember that in the heat of battle is her next task.

goldencomfort1968 · 05-26-2006, 10:39 PM

OK Maggie...I understand where you are coming from. That Mars Venus mentality. So if guys are so incapable of saying the things we want to hear–as you say "it's not in their rules"–then why do they say all the right things to get us "hooked" in the first place. Then as the years go by and I say "why don't you do the things you used to do"…his reply is "that's not how I am". Excuse me?! If that's not how you are, then who was that guy I fell in love with. Where did he go? Because I want that man back. The one that used to call me at work just to see how my day was going. The one that would make the bed and leave me notes on it. The one who did all these tiny, yet extremely meaningful things that meant so much to me. Where did he go? I'm not saying he has to do that mushy romantic stuff all the time. I'm not living in a fantasy world. I just want him to do the things he used to do that made me feel so special and cherished. Is that too much to ask? Coming from his wife who makes sure he has a clean home, clean clothes, good food on the table, and good food in the fridge for his lunches. This is coming from his wife who, no matter how rough her day was at work, comes home and fixes dinner, tries to be in a good mood for him, tries to be romantic on occassion wheather I am in the mood or not, and asked about and am interested in how his day went. When was the last time myself or any other wife could expect all that from their husband. If they do the slightest little bit of housework, etc. we feel compelled to thank them and make them feel like they just conquered the world.

So tell me....why do men go from being so sweet, concerned, romantic, and caring to inconsiderate, romantics only if it involves sex, with "I'm not doing anything I don't want to do" attitudes.

laebedahs · 05-26-2006, 10:48 PM

It's simple: he has what he wants and knows it isn't going away, so he's become complacent. But what can you do about it? You say he used to do little things to make you feel special. What did you do? This isn't a jab at you, but maybe you can jumpstart his romance gene again if you initiate some yourself.

bluecuracao · 05-26-2006, 11:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by goldencomfort1968

This is coming from his wife who, no matter how rough her day was at work, comes home and fixes dinner, tries to be in a good mood for him, tries to be romantic on occassion wheather I am in the mood or not, and asked about and am interested in how his day went. When was the last time myself or any other wife could expect all that from their husband. If they do the slightest little bit of housework, etc. we feel compelled to thank them and make them feel like they just conquered the world.

If any of this makes you feel resentful, don't do it. It may be easier said than done, since some women are still conditioned from childhood to do these things automatically. But if it doesn't make you happy to do them, it's not doing either of you any good.

MaggieL · 05-26-2006, 11:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

Wow! MaggieL, pick any prize on the top shelf!

Yeah, well...unique point of view here :-)

MaggieL · 05-26-2006, 11:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by goldencomfort1968

If that's not how you are, then who was that guy I fell in love with. Where did he go? Because I want that man back.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joe Walsh: "Life's been Good To Me So Far"

Everybody's so different
I haven't changed

Well...I doubt you're exactly the same person too.

Do you want me to tell you that his priorities and motivations have shifted with his testosterone levels?

Did you expect to be courted for the rest of your life? That ain't gonna happen.

Or did you just want to complain? :-) That's cool too...this is a good place for it.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to try to maintain a sexual relationship while on a heavy Effexor dose...I've been on both sides of that fence (on lower doses) but fortunately my encounter was only for a few months after the end of a 23 year marriage...I wasn't looking for any nookie at that particular juncture. Wouldn't have been prudent.

So that may be a factor too. Especially when you're..

Quote:

...tries to be romantic on occassion wheather I am in the mood or not...

Even though his behavior might lead you to think he's too headblind to know the difference when you're "trying to be romantic" as opposed to "actually being romantic"...don't. He probably can...even if he isn't conciously aware of it.

One important reason guys don't express emotions well isn't that they don't have them. They just don't *know* they do...the part of the brain that does language and concious thought is pretty highly insulated from the part that emotes and empathizes, much more so than in women. This is partly innate wiring and partly hormonal. SNAG (Senitive New Age Guy) is a tough row to hoe.

lookout123 · 05-27-2006, 12:41 AM

i would recommend The 5 Love Languages to any and everyone who asks the questions that are puzzling you. Yes, it is by a Christian author and he doesn't hide that, but the book isn't an attempt to convert anyone. It is straight up good interpersonal stuff that may help you here.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/search/ref=...0&Go.y=0&Go=Go

goldencomfort1968 · 05-27-2006, 07:05 AM

Thanks, Lookout. I already have that book.

goldencomfort1968 · 05-27-2006, 07:10 AM

Maggie...

No....of course not...I'm not the same person....nobody is. But, I still continue to do the little things that he likes. I give him backrubs....alot. I make him great dinners, I snuggle with him (sometimes with no response at all from him). I help with his projects, etc. no matter what I'm in the middle of at that moment...I drop what I am doing and help. I compliment him on his projects and accomplishments, etc., etc.

Yes it is hard to be romantic while being on Effexor.

MaggieL · 05-27-2006, 08:43 AM

Well...you know there's a word for the kind of woman who ultimately finds herself unable to forgive guys for being guys. The word is "lesbian". :-) Of course, there is the story about the lesbian who finally gave it up because she couldn't handle the emotional demands...so we're all between Scylla and Charybdis there.

Speaking of Scylla and Charybdis, I'm bi, myself. Sometimes I think the only way I find the space for forgive guys for being guys even that much might best be described as "nostalgia". :-)

As long as we're mooting-about self-help/relationship books, here's two quotes from one:

Quote:

The Seven Dumbest Relationship Mistakes Smart People Make

1) Forcing (rushing) intimacy
2) Expecting your mate to read your mind
3) Playing the martyr
4) Assuming you're always right
5) Rescuing your mate
6) Taking your mate for granted
7) Letting passion die

Four Steps to Healthy Communications

1) Express yourself: "I feel [a specific emotion] whenever you [specify exactly what he does]."
2) State what you want: "I want [a specific behavior]."
3) Ask for a comittment "Will you [give me what I want--be even more specific]?"
4) Outline the consequences of your mate's reluctance or refusal to commit himself to change: "If not, I will [state specifically what you will do]."

wolf · 05-27-2006, 02:08 PM

Get the Mars/Venus book. It really explains the hows and whys of the whole communications style differences thing, in very easy to understand terms.

xoxoxoBruce · 05-27-2006, 05:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by goldencomfort1968

We'll be in the yard and I'll point out some flowers that are coming up in the flower beds that I've worked so hard on and he'll say they are pretty and point out a weed.

Did you respond with, "Oh dear, pull that out will you?"

Quote:

Or in the garden I've planted (he usually does the veggie garden, but he has other things going on this year so I'm doing one) I pointed out how the plants are starting to come up and he points out weeds that I need to take care of.

When he did the veggie garden, was it always perfect? Tell him the weeds help retain the moisture and feed the soil with nitrogen. Or that you'll go fix some lemonade while he takes care of them.

Quote:

It just seems like lots of negatives that I don't need right now. It would be much better to hear "the flowers are sure pretty", "the garden is doing good", and "that's a great way to ship your product."

Mind over matter. If you don't mind, it don't matter. If you do mind, tell him.....in no uncertain terms. Don't hint, don't beat around the bush, straight out tell him.
He may be shocked, he may even get pissed.....but he'll get over it, believe me.

05-26-2006, 04:38 PM	#1
goldencomfort1968 Aggregate Aggravator Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 17	Why Can't Men Say the Things We Women Need to Hear? For instance...my husband made a comment last night about a "project" of mine. I have things that I make and sell on-line and I ship them in a small box. I prefer to do that because I don't want to take the chance of them getting mangled in the mail by shipping them in a padded envelope. Well, every time he sees me packaging up a shipment he ALWAYS makes the comment "isn't there a different way to ship those?" and I ALWAYS explain why I ship them in a box. So last night when I was boxing up a package he made that comment again. I think I kept my cool pretty well. I said with a smile "you don't like the box...do you." He said "it just seems like overkill to send it in a box. I just thought there might be another less expensive way." I told him, like I've told him time and time again, that it costs the same to send it in a small box as it does to send it in a padded envelope. I said "i've explained over and over why I ship in a box and still every time you see me package an order up you make that comment." Plus...he is the "weed police" as I call it. We'll be in the yard and I'll point out some flowers that are coming up in the flower beds that I've worked so hard on and he'll say they are pretty and point out a weed. Or in the garden I've planted (he usually does the veggie garden, but he has other things going on this year so I'm doing one) I pointed out how the plants are starting to come up and he points out weeds that I need to take care of. It just seems like lots of negatives that I don't need right now. It would be much better to hear "the flowers are sure pretty", "the garden is doing good", and "that's a great way to ship your product."

05-26-2006, 06:32 PM	#3
MaggieL in the Hour of Scampering Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Jeffersonville PA (15 mi NW of Philadelphia) Posts: 4,060	OK...you want an explanation? Here's the deal: He says: "isn't there a different way to ship those?" You hear: "Thiose silly little things you're shipping out don't deserve an entire box. " You're thinking "I'm sending out a little piece of myself here and I don't want it to get hurt on the way to somebody I'm hoping will love it." He meant to say "I care about your project and I want to be helpful; since I'm the practical one maybe I can help you save money." But he can't even say that....because he's a guy, and it's against the rules for guys. This is a subject I know more than a little about. You don't know why yet but hang around here long enough and you'll find out. :-) __________________ "Neither can his Mind be thought to be in Tune,whose words do jarre; nor his reason In frame, whose sentence is preposterous..." Last edited by MaggieL; 05-26-2006 at 06:38 PM.

05-26-2006, 10:02 PM	#4
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Wow! MaggieL, pick any prize on the top shelf! Being able to remember that in the heat of battle is her next task. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

05-27-2006, 12:41 AM	#10
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	i would recommend The 5 Love Languages to any and everyone who asks the questions that are puzzling you. Yes, it is by a Christian author and he doesn't hide that, but the book isn't an attempt to convert anyone. It is straight up good interpersonal stuff that may help you here. http://www.amazon.com/gp/search/ref=...0&Go.y=0&Go=Go __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

05-27-2006, 02:08 PM	#14
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Get the Mars/Venus book. It really explains the hows and whys of the whole communications style differences thing, in very easy to understand terms. __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

05-26-2006, 04:40 PM	#2
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	deja vu...

05-26-2006, 10:39 PM	#5
goldencomfort1968 Aggregate Aggravator Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 17	OK Maggie...I understand where you are coming from. That Mars Venus mentality. So if guys are so incapable of saying the things we want to hear–as you say "it's not in their rules"–then why do they say all the right things to get us "hooked" in the first place. Then as the years go by and I say "why don't you do the things you used to do"…his reply is "that's not how I am". Excuse me?! If that's not how you are, then who was that guy I fell in love with. Where did he go? Because I want that man back. The one that used to call me at work just to see how my day was going. The one that would make the bed and leave me notes on it. The one who did all these tiny, yet extremely meaningful things that meant so much to me. Where did he go? I'm not saying he has to do that mushy romantic stuff all the time. I'm not living in a fantasy world. I just want him to do the things he used to do that made me feel so special and cherished. Is that too much to ask? Coming from his wife who makes sure he has a clean home, clean clothes, good food on the table, and good food in the fridge for his lunches. This is coming from his wife who, no matter how rough her day was at work, comes home and fixes dinner, tries to be in a good mood for him, tries to be romantic on occassion wheather I am in the mood or not, and asked about and am interested in how his day went. When was the last time myself or any other wife could expect all that from their husband. If they do the slightest little bit of housework, etc. we feel compelled to thank them and make them feel like they just conquered the world. So tell me....why do men go from being so sweet, concerned, romantic, and caring to inconsiderate, romantics only if it involves sex, with "I'm not doing anything I don't want to do" attitudes.

05-26-2006, 10:48 PM	#6
laebedahs Abecedarian Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 172	It's simple: he has what he wants and knows it isn't going away, so he's become complacent. But what can you do about it? You say he used to do little things to make you feel special. What did you do? This isn't a jab at you, but maybe you can jumpstart his romance gene again if you initiate some yourself.

05-27-2006, 07:05 AM	#11
goldencomfort1968 Aggregate Aggravator Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 17	Thanks, Lookout. I already have that book.

05-27-2006, 07:10 AM	#12
goldencomfort1968 Aggregate Aggravator Join Date: May 2006 Posts: 17	Maggie... No....of course not...I'm not the same person....nobody is. But, I still continue to do the little things that he likes. I give him backrubs....alot. I make him great dinners, I snuggle with him (sometimes with no response at all from him). I help with his projects, etc. no matter what I'm in the middle of at that moment...I drop what I am doing and help. I compliment him on his projects and accomplishments, etc., etc. Yes it is hard to be romantic while being on Effexor.

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