Long distance relationship issues

[Antimatter]

I would like some opinions and advice on the ethics and other aspects of some recent developments in my relationship. It pertains at least in part to human sexuality, and although I'm striving to maintain a sober tone I would advice that if the concept of sex offends you it is probably best to stop reading here.

First some background. The first time I met my girlfriend was about three years ago. She was visiting Copenhagen, where I live, and stayed on my couch a few days (ever heard of couchsurfing? If not, look it up). Nothing indicating romantic or sexual interest happened at that time, but we were talking really well with each other and thus stayed in touch as friends online after she returned to Italy where she's from.

Time passed, and through email and chats we got to know each other better. At some point what I perceived to be hints of a mutual romantic interest started entering into our communications, but nothing direct or explicit. Also, I knew I would be interested if she didn't live 1500 kilometers away, but at the same time the distance seemed prohibitive. Anyway, sometimes during autumn she asked if I had plans for new years. My first thought was that maybe that was meant as an invitation, but I had already invited a few friends over, so I told her that, and as an afterthought I half-jokingly invited her to join us, and she accepted my invitation. Nothing happened on new years eve, but a couple of days into January we ended up making out, and when she returned to Italy I had already promised to come visit her as soon as possible. I went only a couple of weeks later, and for the next few months we were together as often as possible, but the distance, responsibilities at work and her catholic parents with whom she was still living didn't make things easier, and coupled with doubts and uncertainty about the future this all became too much for me, so just before I was going to visit her over Easter I broke up with her. Over Skype. No, not the most gentlemanly way to do it, but in the end that was our primary means of communication for 80-90% of the time.

Fast forward a bit over a year. We were still friends online, but hadn't seen each other since the break up. I was in a non-committed, strictly physical relationship, she'd had an interest in a couple of different guys but nothing serious had come of this, and one of them had hurt her pretty badly when she found out that he was actually seeing at least three other women on a carefully crafted schedule, none of whom knew anything about each other until they all accidentally learned about each other. Anyway, she'd decided to quit her job in Italy and move to Berlin, which is much closer to Copenhagen even if it's still some distance away. Around the same time we started talking about seeing each other again, as friends, so last summer I went to visit her in Italy before she moved to Berlin.

Seeing each other again was good, and it became clear that we were still attracted to each other. I began seriously questioning whether the decision to break up with her more than a year earlier had been sound, and on the last night of my visit we ended up making out on a sofa after her parents had gone to sleep. We didn't commit to anything, but I invited myself to visit her in Berlin after she'd moved, and shortly after that she invited herself to come visit me in Copenhagen, a trip she actually made even before I made the Berlin trip.

It took some time before we agreed to define ourselves as a couple again - I was quite certain in my desire, but I also knew that she'd been burned by me leaving her before, and as such I knew I should give her the time she needed to rebuilt her trust in me. The turning point came around Christmas when she started referring to me as her boyfriend again.

Then, in February, I was leaving for a 3½ week holiday in Thailand. The weekend before leaving I was visiting her in Berlin, and on my last day there she told me that she needed time to think. She made it clear that she wasn't breaking up, at least not then and there, but I must admit I was a bit dumbfounded by this sudden change of course - after all, we'd only just recently started defining as a couple again, and I'd been doing my best to be a good boyfriend all along. We were still communicating frequently while I were in Thailand, and after I returned home we made plans for me to visit her again in Berlin, this time for almost a week, a trip I returned from a few days ago.

Our almost-week together was something of a roller coaster ride. The first night I managed to piss her off enough that the next couple of days (and nights) were not at all pleasant, something that only changed when I told her that we should either work with our baggage or call it off and break up again. She replied that she couldn't see how, so if that was how I saw it let's just end it here. I went to pack my bag and then she broke down and said she didn't want me to leave after all, and after half an hour of talking with our heads under a duvet we decided to try and find a way to make it work.

One of her main problems with the status quo had been not having anybody around at night when we weren't together. She suggested trying an open relationship, something that I in principle approve of in cases where both parties are comfortable with it, but not something I would rush into, so I promised to give it some thought. The next couple of days were much more enjoyable, and we got some other issues sorted out, or at least started on it. Then, the day before I left for home we were looking for her ID card which she needed for some paperwork at a municipal office, and I happened upon a pack of condoms in a drawer. Now, I hate to jump to conclusions, but until that point this was something I had always provided (I have special needs in that department and thus buy mine at a specialty store). Anyway, I didn't actually think much of it at first, but later, when we were getting a bit frisky at bedtime, it nagged me enough that I knew I had to get it out of my head, so I asked her to slow down and carefully phrased the question, making sure to tell her first that I knew there could be a perfectly good explanation and that I didn't mean to accuse her of anything. She told me she'd bought them shortly after moving to Berlin, before we got back together. And then a few seconds later that unrelated to the acquisition of the pack of condoms she'd been physically intimate with somebody while we were on a break, something I actually had to ask her to define more clearly - in my memory the word "break" wasn't used when she told me she needed some time to think, so I wanted to make sure that was what she meant. It was. She also told me that she didn't have any contact with the guy any more, and firmly maintained that what she'd done wasn't cheating since we were on a break when it happened.

This information completely killed my mood, and I didn't get much sleep that night as I was pondering whether this was something that I could live with. My mood wasn't much better next morning, but at some point I decided not to let it interfere with our last few hours together before I left for home. I felt cheated on, and I suspected that she may have retroactively redefined "thinking" as "being on a break", but at the same time I wasn't 100% sure that she didn't use those words back in early February, and I don't delude myself into thinking that my view of the situation was at all objective or that I have perfect memory. Anyway, some morning loving made me feel slightly less bad about the situation (it was a relief to find that we could still function physically together, something that I had doubted the night before).

Actually typing all this have probably in itself made a few things clearer for me, but there for two reasons I'm not really satisfied with her explanation.

1. In my mind it was implied, if not explicitly expressed, that we were still a couple and as such still exclusive when she told me that she needed time to think. I have a nagging suspicion that she has retroactively changed her stance, whether before or after being with another guy.

2. Even if #1 is not the case, in my book when you call a timeout you're still on your best behavior, as in case you later decide to get back together any intimacy you've shared with other parties has the potential to cause further trouble in a relationship that is obviously already not working ideally (or you wouldn't need to take time to think about it).

At the same time, there's also still the question of whether an open relationship is a good option for us. I can certainly see that it would be convenient for both of us to be able to seek other company on those otherwise lonely nights when we're apart, but I don't like that this suggestion comes from her after she's been messing around with somebody else but before telling me about it. And even if I'm able to deal with it (which I'm still not 100% sure I am) I fear that she might be less well prepared to handle the thought of me being physically intimate with another woman. One reason is that shortly after bringing it up she stated that her terms were "You can do whatever you want with whoever you want, but I don't want to know anything about it" which suggests to me that she's not emotionally ready to handle it. Not that I would expect us to share all the intimate details of our extracurricular activities, but not wanting to know anything sounds dangerously close to being in denial about the openness also applying to the other party.

She's a very special person to me, and I believe that the fact that we got back together after more than a year and in spite of the still-long-enough-to-be-inconvenient distance means that we're in some way meant to be. I'm beginning to have my doubts, though.

Any thoughts? Advice? What would you do if you were in my shoes?