Drinking, Know I Shouldn't...

[Sundae]

All interesting points of view.
Dana probably has it most closely aligned with how I feel.
Dana has been out drinking with me.

I don't have a normal relationship with alcohol.
I will drink until all possible avenues of drinking are closed. Whether this is running out of money, closing time, lack of people to buy me drinks, whatever.

I admit episodes of drinking here.
That does not mean I confess what time I started, what time I finish, why I finished.
I don't lie, but I won't necessarily lay out the full story.
I don't see any reason to - I am ashamed, I have succumbed, I know it's not normal.

Given a limitless supply of alcohol and no supervision for a week it's possible I would drink myself to death. The only thing preventing me would be a determination not to. This is not a normal relationship with alcohol.

Recently, with the change in my medication, I've experienced side effects re my appetite. I was talking to Mum about it. She asked, "Are you just more hungry?" The best analogy I could come up with was that when I open my wardrobe, I am aware there are clothes in there. If I need to get dressed I will make a choice. Now, when I open the fridge all I can see is all the yummy food I want to eat. I want this, and that, and the other and the whole lot! It's not hunger, but it's certainly not an impassive appraisal. I've got it (mostly) under control, but have asked for another change of meds.

So it is with alcohol. If I have the ways and means (and I can be very sly to ensure I do) I am tempted. Not all the time. And when I'm in a good stretch, hardly at all. I get the thought, I squish it. But once I've had a drink, hooo-eee! Opportunity, I take it. Money lying around, I spend it. £3? 5 cans. If I walk to the shop on Cambridge Street. After 21.00? S'okay, I can go to the roundabout at the bottom of the road - further and costs more, but if I have money it's okay. I will find money, I will spend money, I will drink until it's gone.

That is a bad thing.
I am trying to get on top of it.
I think I am succeeding. I am, mostly.

Still trying to work out if discussing it helps though.
Admitting how low I am hurts.

[DanaC]

I should probably add that I also am an 'escape addict'. Alcohol is only my chosen escape if my preferred escape option (pot) is unavailable; however I am totally addicted to the act of consumption. Pot, alcohol, cigarettes, food. I am unable to relax if I am not engaged in some form of consumption. If I am awake, then I am consuming. The only reason i am not obese is that I inherited my father's ridiculously fast metabolism. I am, however, far from 'healthy' and much of what i do is bad for me.

I am also addicted to other means of escape: mostly this is in the form of tv shows and books. But again, like everything else I do I take it to extremes. Whatever my current obsession is, be it Doctor Who or House MD, or BSG or whatever...I live and breathe that for days, weeks, months. I do this to the point that it becomes self-destructive: I feel guilt at not doing the things I should be doing (work, study, housework etc) and sink further into my obsession, often losing entire days to it, or even entire weeks. Thereby increasing my level of guilt and consequently increasing my need to escape: vicious cycle.

Like Sundae, once I start I am unable to stop. I will feed that obsession with whatever money is available to me. I have been known to buy books/audio plays/videos with the last of the money in my bank when I have no clue what I'll be eating for the next week. If I sit down at 6pm to watch an episode of House (my most recent obsession) it would not be unusual to find me still sitting there at 2am having gorged myself on 10 episodes in a row.

I am a dysfunctional obsessive. That's just how I am. From time to time that is a problem. Mostly I get by ok. The only reason I am able to live in my own house rather than at my mum's is because houses are cheap to rent in the north. The only reason said house is not actually falling down around my ears is that from time to time mum rescues me from my own incompetance/lack of effort/depression induced squalor.

I say this, because I want you (Sundae) to realise that actually most of us are dysfunctional in our own ways. Changing that dysfunction is fucking hard to do. Wanting to change it is also hard. I admire the progress you've made, precisely because its stomps all over the distinct lack of progress I have made :P I don't think you have even the first clue how much I admire you.

I also don't think you realise how much I and others like you. You have an absolutely sparkling personality. You are really good fun to be with. If you liked yourself even half as much as others like you, you'd be insufferable :P

[limey]

Originally Posted by DanaC

... I say this, because I want you (Sundae) to realise that actually most of us are dysfunctional in our own ways. Changing that dysfunction is fucking hard to do. Wanting to change it is also hard. I admire the progress you've made,... I don't think you have even the first clue how much I admire you.

I also don't think you realise how much I and others like you. You have an absolutely sparkling personality. You are really good fun to be with. If you liked yourself even half as much as others like you, you'd be insufferable :P

Hear hear!

[regular.joe]

Dana is right. If my problem is alcohol, all I have to do is quit drinking. Easy fix. If I'm an alcoholic, then quitting drinking will have no real effect, except in many cases, such as me, to aggravate the situation, and in the end will become the only solution. Understanding the solution of alcohol to be bad, also has no real effect on stopping drinking for an alcoholic.

SamIam, it seems to me that your perspective is one of a person who reacts differently when drinking then an alcoholic, therefore recommending drinking in moderation as a fix. I really can't fault you on that, how could I expect you to understand, not having had the experience?

SG, I truly hope that you find a solution that is equitable for you. I understand that you are unable, or unwilling at this time to accept what AA has to offer in this arena. I understand, completely, accepting a spiritual basis for living when having no belief what so ever in a spiritual life is to say the least....difficult if not impossible. Again, having had the experience myself, I understand. As for me, some things had to change. Know that today my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[classicman]

I believe the term you're looking for is something like "compulsive personality" . . .
You are not alone - welcome to my world.

Hence the term "1 is too many."

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by regular.joe

SamIam, it seems to me that your perspective is one of a person who reacts differently when drinking then an alcoholic, therefore recommending drinking in moderation as a fix.

But that's not what he's saying, at least that's not what I'm reading. I think he's saying drinking once or twice a week moves her from alcoholic, to someone that indulges in risky behavior occasionally. So instead of beating herself up constantly, she can work on reducing, with the goal of elimination, that risky behavior, for her health.

Why do people repeat doing things they know damned well will result in them feeling guilty? Because they're depressed and running out of what they feel are valid reasons to be depressed? Gee, if I do this tonight, I can beat my self up for at least a couple weeks?

So removing that guilt lessens the reward, and makes it a health issue to be tackled like weight loss. I think it's an interesting avenue to explore.

[monster]

I think SamIam is a chick..... ?
/offtopic aside

[xoxoxoBruce]

Yes, she is.