Divorce: perparing for the war

[Sundae]

Good advice here Trac.
I didn't pay a penny to get divorced - it was all handled by my husband, because he was the one who wanted it.
I left him, but as I knew I would never marry again I wasn't bothered about paperwork.

People here know about leaving children. How painful it is. Some Dwellars have fought to remain part of their children's lives. But there is nothing you can legally do. Not now, and at no point in the future. Of course it hurts like buggery. But sad as it is, you just have to take in what Stormie wrote - it will get easier, even though you don't want it to right now.

There is a very good chance you will have biological child(ren) of your own. They'll never replace your son, but at least you will have legal rights this time.

Let her wear herself out in spite and anger.
You can only change you.

[Stormieweather]

Originally Posted by Stormieweather

The only power she has over you is the power you grant her.

As long as you continue to dance the dance, you will stay stuck and in pain. Do what's best for YOU. Do you honestly think reacting to her bs, looking for ways to obtain vengeance, or obsessing over the child is best for YOU?

I've lost a child I loved that wasn't mine. Two of them. I have their half brother, and they don't even know about him. Sad what kind of hurt we inflict on one another out of spite. But I can tell you that the hurt will ease with time.

Step out of the arena and move on with your life. As they say, living well is the best revenge.

Go forth and live well.

Weird. After posting this and while thinking of this former relationship, I did a fast google search on this ex. He is my son's father, although they've only seen each other 3x (ex's choice). So what pops up? His obituary! He died 3 weeks ago and his obit was posted yesterday. How very strange the coincidence!! He was only 66 yrs old

[it]

edit: stormie are you serious? i am sorry for your lost...can't imagine how that has to feel. really, my brain can't digest the possibility at all.

argh, maybe you guys are right. sundae & stormie nailed it:

Originally Posted by Sundae

it will get easier, even though you don't want it to right now.

seriously how does that work? do you stop loving him when your thinking about him? you stop thinking about him? this isn't romantic love that requires mutuality, this is a person who you loved so much you chose to make it your life's endeavor to help him grow into the best man he can be to the best of your abilities, and now you can't.


and honestly one of the things i am most angry about is her bullshiting my stepson about it being a mutual decision - that i wanted to leave. i was living in hell with her for the last 5 months of our relationship so i can keep him, i wanted to work on our problems and get couple therapy so that we'll have a chance to be a family again, and when that stopped being an option i wanted to finish the immigration process through the canadian embassy in israel so that she doesn't have to support me while i am there and i can still come back to live somewhere nearby and be a weekend & holidays father like regular divorces, which my immigration lawyer told me i could have done as long as she still signed the sponsorship papers. i love him and i would have never left him by choice... and the fact she's telling him otherwise is pissing me off. so far i am the only dad he ever knew, and based on her stories he's going to remember me as the dad who left, if he remembers me at all.

[it]

emo moment:

the suckier part... i miss her.

i have the best list of reasons to hate her guts, and a lot of the time i do... we had problems in the first year, she treated me like trash for over 5 months no matter what i did for her, she took away my step son...

but despite all of those, i find myself missing this woman.
there isn't a thing right now i wouldn't give to turn back time to be there a year ago, or in an alternative reality where we would have chosen to go to israel where i could get a job when she couldn't find a job in canada, which we where going to do if her mother wouldn't have convinced her otherwise. or... something, any escuse to bend reality into a world where the bad times in our relationship never came.

even just talking to her without that shitload of mutual hate and resentment, would be so awesome right now. i know its not an option, and with her nature its very unlikely to ever be, but god damn i wish it was.