Looking for People with Anger Problems

[LittleWolf]

I would like to ask for assistance from this really nice community if I may be so bold.

You see, my partner has very serious anger problems and is desperately looking for guidance. He is in the process of reading books and seeking help, but we both would really like speaking with someone with first hand experience with this problem, that has either dealt with it in the past or working on it.

A lot of the books we've picked up have a lot of psychobabble; some things work, and some other don't. The folks that provide guidance are rather patronizing and just offer religious prayer as therapy that really does not work as a solution for us.

If you are uncomfortable stating your name, you can always drop me a private message or email, I would absolutely appreciate it; I won't breathe a word!



P.S. I hope I didn't post this in the wrong spot, if so, please feel free to relocate it.

[Aliantha]

You'll find plenty of people around here with anger management problems. not so many with a solution though.

I know it's a serious problem you're dealing with, and I hope you haven't come off on the wrong end of his anger although I suspect you have if you're posting here.

I wonder why you can't find guidance from people other than those who preach to solve problems? Is his anger connected to substance abuse? If so, there's a simple answer there...although in practice it's not so easy of course.

All I can suggest is to keep reading and looking for someone who might be able to help one on one rather than group therapy which often seems to involve prayer.

My answer to domestic violence/anger issues has always been to leave, so I can't offer you much useful advice I'm afraid.

[LittleWolf]

With problems like this, a real solution is rare.

His anger mostly is dampening negativity, coupled with very aggressive tones and defensiveness. Starts arguments, shows little to no interest on things, and criticizes it all negatively. I doubt he'd ever win against me if it came to blows, but he mostly just shouts and mocks me.

No substance abuse, thankfully. He was a mean smoker and I think it was his way of dealing with his temper. While it is nice to see other people with the same problems, the group therapy basically humiliates you and doesn't bother to give you any real solutions other than "count to 10" or "embrace the anger".

It's too soon to leave, he is showing a lot of effort in taking care of his problems.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Originally Posted by LittleWolf

P.S. I hope I didn't post this in the wrong spot, if so, please feel free to relocate it.

No, this is fine. People can post as anonymous, if they wish.

Sorry, my solution was to become a hermit, which doesn't do you any good.
I really hope you find a solution, and if you do, share it with us. By the way, how old is he?

[DanaC]

Am I right in thinking your partner is bi-polar? I seem to recall from another thread (thought I may be mixing you up with someone else, in which case my apologies :P)

I'd have thought some kind of one to one counselling might be useful. If he is bi-polar then medication to help manage the symptoms (including anger management) may be appropriate. I'd also suggest maybe seeking out an NLP counsellor (neuro linguistic programming). Probably the best (imo) NLP practitioners are the Sensory Systems counsellors; might be worth seeing if there are any near you.

What's great about NLP is it doesn't have that same humiliation factor or retraumatising effect that so much counselling seems to have; it helps you to understand and exert control over how your brain processes information and emotion and is based far more on practical tools than on reliving some past tragedy.

[Clodfobble]

I, too, would recommend a Sensory approach over a Psychological approach. I've never experienced or witnessed its effects on anger management specifically, but I find that it's a much more legitimate form of mental understanding and control. As in, you're not "this way" because of some bullshit repressed memory about your mother, you're feeling these emotions because your brain has settled into inappropriate response pathways, and you need to actively retrain them.

[monster]

Does your partner have a history of depression?

[Sheldonrs]

A friend of mine at one of my old jobs had some anger issues and didn't know it until it was pointed out to him by a few people.
His solution was to wear a gaudy bracelet, the purpose of which was to remind him everytime he saw it to think about if he needed to check his mood at any given time.
It seemed to work for him.

[Nirvana]

6000 IU of Vitamin D3 a day and gentle yoga

Namaste

[skysidhe]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

No, this is fine. People can post as anonymous, if they wish.

Sorry, my solution was to become a hermit, which doesn't do you any good.

I thought I was the only one!

Of course his had to do with substance abuse and I am sorry I cannot be of any help.

I wish you the best L.W.

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

As in, you're not "this way" because of some bullshit repressed memory about your mother, you're feeling these emotions because your brain has settled into inappropriate response pathways, and you need to actively retrain them.

This is so true. My son has overcome sensory overload issues in this way. The over load is still there but the way they are managed is different.

Of course in little wolf's situation the person having the issues needs to be the one to embrace the method whole- heartedly.

[toranokaze]

A good personal therapist is important.

Reducing sources of anger and finding out why something makes one angry understanding the cause helps deal with the problem.

One must let go of anger, anger is like a tense muscle a only solution is to let it go.

Learning to express anger in constructive civil ways is critical. Not all anger can be gotten rid of so one must know how to deal with the anger will still carry.

If all else fails perhaps medication.

[Gravdigr]

This may have nothing to do with anything. But. I have some problems with anger. I have noticed, since I began tracking my blood sugar, that sometimes I (literally) wake up just steaming mad. Every single time I've thought to check my sugar on these days, it's been low. Well, low for me. Usually 250 and up. On those bad mornings, 90-150.
ETA: Bringing the sugar up, yeah, that don't help.

[Clodfobble]

Gravdigr, have you seen a doctor about your blood sugar? Your ideal count should be 100. Anything over 180 is high. 250 and up is dangerously high.

[Gravdigr]

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure...

[LittleWolf]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

No, this is fine. People can post as anonymous, if they wish.

Sorry, my solution was to become a hermit, which doesn't do you any good.
I really hope you find a solution, and if you do, share it with us. By the way, how old is he?

I'm not particularly embarrassed about this problem, at least he's working on it and that's something to be proud of.

He actually was a hermit because he has always had problems with people; he really wants to get out there and have fun, but he get really upset at people doing stupid things and can't just ignore it and be happy. He is 30 years old, and very introverted.

Originally Posted by DanaC

Am I right in thinking your partner is bi-polar? I seem to recall from another thread (thought I may be mixing you up with someone else, in which case my apologies :P)

I'd have thought some kind of one to one counselling might be useful. If he is bi-polar then medication to help manage the symptoms (including anger management) may be appropriate. I'd also suggest maybe seeking out an NLP counsellor (neuro linguistic programming). Probably the best (imo) NLP practitioners are the Sensory Systems counsellors; might be worth seeing if there are any near you.

What's great about NLP is it doesn't have that same humiliation factor or retraumatising effect that so much counselling seems to have; it helps you to understand and exert control over how your brain processes information and emotion and is based far more on practical tools than on reliving some past tragedy.

You are right! Good memory, he is bipolar. He takes medication to deal with it. The anger persist. He is very resentful towards psychologists because they always have all the reasons for why he is like he is, but no solutions except for more pills or more therapy.

We are looking up the NLP and seeing if it's a viable option for us, thank you for telling me. You are right, they just ask him to relive the past and talk to dolls pretending they are the people from his past. It's quite stupid.

Originally Posted by monster

Does your partner have a history of depression?

He is bipolar, but not an extreme one, if it makes sense. He gets depressed but I think he has good reasons to be (not just chemical depression where you are okay and well, but feel really sad and down).

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

I, too, would recommend a Sensory approach over a Psychological approach. I've never experienced or witnessed its effects on anger management specifically, but I find that it's a much more legitimate form of mental understanding and control. As in, you're not "this way" because of some bullshit repressed memory about your mother, you're feeling these emotions because your brain has settled into inappropriate response pathways, and you need to actively retrain them.

I'm sure psychologists have years of training and education, being each one different from the next; but when it comes to an individual and intelligent approach, most just try to jam you into a mold where all "crazy" people should fit.

Originally Posted by Sheldonrs

A friend of mine at one of my old jobs had some anger issues and didn't know it until it was pointed out to him by a few people.
His solution was to wear a gaudy bracelet, the purpose of which was to remind him everytime he saw it to think about if he needed to check his mood at any given time.
It seemed to work for him.

That actually might work. He forgets what he is doing and just walks right into it without seeing the signs. Big swearing problem, he feels really awful afterward.

Originally Posted by Gravdigr

This may have nothing to do with anything. But. I have some problems with anger. I have noticed, since I began tracking my blood sugar, that sometimes I (literally) wake up just steaming mad. Every single time I've thought to check my sugar on these days, it's been low. Well, low for me. Usually 250 and up. On those bad mornings, 90-150.
ETA: Bringing the sugar up, yeah, that don't help.

He doesn't eat well at all which I am pretty sure contributes to his problem. I am showing him how to cook so he can feed himself better, but his anger often doesn't let him learn things or enjoy food when I try to feed him some decent food. Just gets upset and stays upset a REALLY long time. Abnormally long. He had several medical check ups and no word of diabetes or high blood pressure, just malnourishment.

Thank you for all the replies, I have a lot more ideas now than when I came around with. But please, if you have an anger problem or dealt with someone with it, let me know, we could really benefit from hearing how you realized you had a problem, how you dealt with it and how you stand with it today.

Thank you so much.