How does one become okay with being single?

[monster]

(well one-thousand-fold, but 85% of them are management and 5% are just plain nuts.....)

[mr.moons]

Alright.
It has come to my attention that (some) ladies dig me, and most of my problem is that I don't really get out and talk to people enough, generally.
Also I think it's safe to say that I'm unusual in a lot of ways, which inherently means that only a select few people will express interest in me, but that's alright.
I hope this post doesn't sound cocky...

[jimhelm]

some chicks dig cocky, bro

[Undertoad]

You gotta answer some of PH45's questions.

[classicman]

Originally Posted by jimhelm

some chicks dig cocky, bro

FTFY

[mr.moons]

1) Do you see yourself as a confident? If in certain areas and not others, specify. Quickly, how do you think others would describe you.

I think I'm semi-confident. I'm confident when I'm alone, and sometimes when I'm with groups of people. I know I'm pretty smart, and there are a lot of things I'm able to do fairly well. I'm not so confident in most social situations though.

I think others would describe me as nice, laid back, a bit odd, pretty cheery, pretty enjoyable to be around, awkward when I'm first getting to know someone, fairly funny, passionately opinionated, etc.


2) Quickly describe your life. What do you do for a job, what do you do in your free time?

I live at home with my parents right now. I graduated from a two-year college program that I took because I had no idea what I was doing. The associate's degree I got is basically useless. Now I have a bunch of debt I have to pay off. I just got a part-time job at a grocery store, and I'm hoping to find more work so I can have enough income to live on my own and also chip away at my hunk of debt.
Mostly what I do in my spare time is chill in front of my computer, browsing the interwebs and instant messaging friends, and I also longboard quite a bit. Oh and I hang out with friends sometimes as well.


3) What are your ambitions? What are you doing to improve yourself?

I mostly want to be self-supporting, and happy of course. Not that I'm really unhappy right now. I just think I would be happier if I was on my own, working, and not spending much time with my parents. Oh, I want to be better with social situations as well. To improve myself I guess I'm working/looking for work, and going out to social functions with my friend(s) a little bit.


4) What would you like to do (in terms of hobbies, self-improvement, ambitions, etc)? Why are you not doing this?

Well, I would like to find a girlfriend...
I would like to move into my own apartment.
I'd like to go to a physiotherapist and get my wrist fixed up so I can longboard the way I used to be able to.
I'd like to see a therapist on a regular basis. I think it would be good for me. I believe I have a number of personal issues that I could use some help with (my shyness being one of those).
I'd like to build my own car at some point in my life.

Most of those things I'm not doing because I'm broke, and I guess laziness plays a part as well. I'd like to think that working at this job is helping me get closer to a lot of them though.
Also, I like to take my time at things.


5) How often do you meet women? In what setting? Do you feel like you connect with them, if not, why? What do you do to meet women?

I don't really meet women that often. The other weekend I went to a party and met a girl there, and connected with her a bit, but that was out of the ordinary for me, and I was high. Mostly I meet women at longboarding functions actually. If I can work up the courage to talk to a girl, and if she's pretty outgoing so it doesn't get too awkward, I feel like I connect pretty decently. If the girl is shy though, it's not so good because that's two shy people trying to find stuff to talk about and it's uncomfortable and just crappy.
I've also got accounts on okcupid and plentyoffish, but I've not met many people from there in person, which is for the best, I think.


6) Describe the the relationships of the people around you. Are they married, in serious relationships, single?

Most of my friends that actually live nearby are single. I have a ton of American friends who are Church of Christ Christians though, and it seems like they're all in serious relationships and/or engaged, or married.


7) You answered this but do you consider yourself happy? Do you think a relationship will make you happy?

I think I'm relatively happy. And yes, I feel like a relationship would make me happier. I don't see how a good relationship could NOT make a person happier. And sure, maybe if I got into a relationship it wouldn't be so good, but at least I would have a chance to work on my relationship skills (I haven't had much opportunity to do that in the past).


8) Why should a woman want to date you?

I'm not totally sure I get this question. The words "should" and "want" are not meant to be used together, if you ask me. I'm assuming this is a "What do you have to offer?" kind of question, so I will answer it as if it is.

I'm kind, thoughtful, kinda funny, I'm a good listener and I'm pretty good at helping people with their problems, I have a pretty relaxed attitude in general and I think people find that refreshing/calming, I have a decent head on my shoulders, and I dunno, if a girl likes me and has a lot in common with me, why shouldn't she date me?



And Clodfobble, I don't know if I feel I deserve a girlfriend. I suppose I don't really see any reason why I shouldn't be able to get into a relationship with someone, once a good match comes along?
And yeah, I guess there is a particular woman that I'm interested in, but it's ...complicated. I definitely wouldn't be willing to date just anyone. I know what I'm looking for, more or less.

[monster]

So you have a shitload of debt, you live with your parents, you don't have a full time job, you party and you get high.

Nothng wrong with that at a certain point in your life. But that isn't going to be the same point as the one where you enter a stable relationship.

Those are kind of the elephants in the room, right there. Not all of them are bad things, but as a happy meal combo..... runaway!

If you are ready to move on from the single life, then you need to move on from the student days. And move out of home! It's not necessarily time to give up on being part of a relationship yet, unless you don't plan to move on from this point and actively work towards it.

[classicman]

You sound like you are 17ish and still in HS. If so, fine.
If not, time to grow up - the girls already have.

[mr.moons]

Originally Posted by monster

So you have a shitload of debt, you live with your parents, you don't have a full time job, you party and you get high.

I don't feel like that's a totally fair assessment. I don't really have a shitload of debt. It's over $10,000 but it's manageable. And I'm not the partying type, or at least I have not been. That party is one of the only ones I've ever been to.

That being said, I hear what you're saying.

[piercehawkeye45]

Here is few things I noticed. I apologize in advance for the choppy and most likely incomplete or overly repetitive thoughts.

And yes, I feel like a relationship would make me happier. I don't see how a good relationship could NOT make a person happier.

I want to start here since this is something fundamental that I disagree with. It's not that it can't be true, but that I feel it is a misguided approach. From watching my friends get into relationships I've noticed one big trend: happy single people tend to get into healthy relationships and unhappy single people tend to get into dysfunctional relationships. My theory for this is that happy people are secure with their single life and don't feel they need to get into a relationship, but get into one because they want too. Unhappy people on the other hand are usually insecure with their single life and look for other people to fill the gap. This usually leads to dependency and relationships built on raw emotion instead of some healthy common ground. Then these people go back to being unhappy because what they need is not another person, but some security with one's self.

Here is one of my favorite quotes when it comes to relationships:

If meeting, dating or relating with women, and the improvement of this area in life, is your NUMBER 1 priority you are already screwed

I understand this advice probably isn't what you want to hear but I feel (keep in mind I don't know you and I'm just applying other experiences to what i know from your few posts) you probably should focus on your own life, in a productive way, for a while. Maybe a relationship would be helpful, it would be good for you to get into one to practice social skills, but, as Monster pointed out, there are some pink elephants in the room that you need to work on first.

While everyone is different and everyone responds to different things, I am a firm believer that overall happiness comes from security with one's self. Think Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs as a reference. You need to find out who you want to be and what you want to do with your life.

I'm kind, thoughtful, kinda funny, I'm a good listener and I'm pretty good at helping people with their problems, I have a pretty relaxed attitude in general and I think people find that refreshing/calming, I have a decent head on my shoulders, and I dunno, if a girl likes me and has a lot in common with me, why shouldn't she date me?

I'm going to be harsh here so take this as constructive and not as a personal attack. I can actually relate with your situation so hopefully this has some perspective.

Ok, so you have a decent personality. It seems like you feel a girl should settle for you and not actually go after you. You are the type of guy that people can stand and get along with, but probably not the guy that people envy to be.

From what you said, your life seems pretty uneventful. You live with your parents, you have no idea what you want to do with your life, you aren't self-sufficient, you have very few if any hobbies, you aren't doing much to improve yourself, and you aren't that confident in social situations (which probably means you aren't a blast to be around). I realize I am just focusing on the negatives but this is at least a perspective you should keep in mind, but not dwell too much on since that would be counterproductive.


My advice, beside the entire job thing, is to start trying new things. Find a few things that interest you and start setting some small reasonable goals for yourself. Here is a quick list of suggestions:

*Learn how to cook a new meal (start small if you don't know how to cook) (there is nothing better than eating a good meal that you made yourself, plus girls love it as well)
*Join a race (start with a 5K then move up) (this will inspire you to work out, which builds confidence and makes you physically look better)
*Volunteer (besides helping others, you can meet new people)
*Learn an instrument (you don't have to be great but its relaxing to play your own music)
*etc


It can be very difficult to start, but if things go well it should snowball. The overall goal here is to start building confidence and sense of self-worth. Once that improves, your attractiveness to women should improve as well.

[DanaC]

I'll second that advice to volunteer. It's a fabulous way of getting to meet people. And if you can find something to volunteer for that hits your own buttons and is something you feel passionately about (I volunteered as a literacy coach for a while, my Mum volunteered working with refugees and asylum seekers, and now volunteers at a community radio station) then you will meet people who share some of your passions/interests.

If social settings are more difficult for you then try and find something that means you have to interact and engage with people. Socialising, like anything, is easier for some than for others. And like any skillset that doesn't always come naturally, you'll find it gets easier with practice.

It also looks very good on the old resume.


As to people picking up on the fact that you live with your parents and have debt: if this is enough to stop people pairing up then there are going to be a lot of people staying single long-term. The financial crisis and the collapse of the housing market means more and more adults are returning to the family home having been independant, or are never getting out in the first place.

Not all women will run a mile from this. Some of them are in the same situation you're in. The extent to which it will be held against you depends on a fair few factors, including your age.

[limey]

Pierce and Dana have some very good comments here. They are suggesting great ways of widening your horizons. Let us know how you get on.

[monster]

Originally Posted by mr.moons

I don't feel like that's a totally fair assessment. I don't really have a shitload of debt. It's over $10,000 but it's manageable. And I'm not the partying type, or at least I have not been. That party is one of the only ones I've ever been to.

That being said, I hear what you're saying.

Yeah, sorry for the shock-tactic tone, but it sometimes takes a sledgehammer to make a hole big enough for that elephant. But that IS a lot of debt. Unless you're earning 100K. Which you're not. We clearly have different ideas of maneagable. How much are you able to pay back each month on your current salary? How long is it going to take you to pay it back? Who in their right mind is going to be looking at a future with someone with that much debt and it not working hard towards paying it off? And the fact that you don't see it as that big of a deal is also telling. And I think Dana is not totally right. If you have debt but you're actively working to deal with it then yes, I think people can get over it, but otherwise that's a huge turn-off. Don't forget she's a hopeless commie who'd rather do away with all money and have the state control everything and make it all nice and equal

And PH45 has some VERY sound advice about hobbies and interests.

Get some confidence, get a job, get your own place -or at least a realistically financialy viable plan to do so, then worry about a long term relationship.

Good luck.

[DanaC]

Originally Posted by monster

Don't forget she's a hopeless commie who'd rather do away with all money and have the state control everything and make it all nice and equal
.

Would I get to keep my iphone, though?



Debt can be a turn off, sure. But it depends on what the debt is. If that 10k is from college loans, I can't see anybody holding that against him, regardless of how much importance he places on paying it back. If the debt is from a wild bender of techno joy that got out of hand, then not prioritizing payback might be more off-putting.

[Undertoad]

The wimmenfolk love guys who have something going on. Something you truly like and are into. It doesn't much matter what it is. If it's a money-making thing that's excellent, but if it's a hobby or some other focused activity that you can talk about, that works too.

As far as our two above money-grubbers, who claim they hate capitalism but announce that debt is nothing less than a turn-off -- actually sexualizing your net worth! -- you don't want somebody like them. You don't have to talk money at all. You're not looking to get married here; really, it's not time to think that way. In order for you to have a healthy marriage it is good for you to run through several relationships in your 20s to figure out which of the women are good fodder for the long term. (Some of them are secretly terrible for you. You need to learn the signs of this.) As long as you can handle your side of the dinner at Applebees you should be good to go. (Include $2 of overtipping in your dinner plan. It's the cheapest way to impress her, and the cheapest way to be a decent human being.)