What would you do?

anonymous · 07-04-2009, 06:33 AM

My husband had a work emergency yesterday afternoon, which does happen on a fairly regular basis. He was gone for about an hour and a half, but then some awkward behavior afterward, plus timing with other events left me with a funny feeling about the whole thing. I checked his phone while he was sleeping, and found a placed call just after he left to a person who has nothing to do with work. While in general he might have reason to call this woman, I can't think of any reason why he would have needed to right then. What I was really looking for was a text message history, but I couldn't find it anywhere (it's a blackberry, if anyone knows of a hidden menu somewhere, but I suspect he just doesn't keep the logs.)

Here's the thing, he did cheat on me before, about 8 years ago before we were married. That situation was a whole lot more complicated than simple lust, we went to counseling, we hammered everything out, and obviously I thought it was truly all in the past or I never would have married him. But the alarms can never truly go all the way back down to green, can they?

Do I pursue this path? There's no way to ask him about it without admitting I was digging through his phone, so even if he comes up with a good answer the conversation is going to be unpleasant. But the real problem is, I don't know if I want to know. I am in no position for the marriage to end, not emotionally, not financially, not in any way. I don't care what the truth is, if this path leads to divorce I am not interested. On the other hand, ignoring this may allow things to become more involved, which could lead to the destruction of the relationship in itself.

WTF do I do? Wait for more suspicious behavior so I have a better reason to bring it up? Forget I saw anything? Ask him flat out, and tell him I have a right to snoop through his phone anytime I want because I'm his wife? I'm really pretty sure he's not looking to leave, but if I force it out in the open will there be no other choice in the long run? This is killing me.

lumberjim · 07-04-2009, 08:31 AM

So, you're saying that even if he IS cheating, you still want to be with him?

If that is really true, then you could confront him and explain that position. And then insist that if he is going to be out there doing that, that he be extra careful about protection, and not to be surprised if you get some strange of your own.

festering suspicion can't be the right way to go

capnhowdy · 07-04-2009, 08:44 AM

If I didn't trust someone enough not to snoop through their personal data I would have already been gone. Long gone. Just sayin'

anonymous · 07-04-2009, 09:24 AM

When you have children the equation changes. Just sayin'.

lumberjim · 07-04-2009, 09:35 AM

indeed it does.

i can totally see how you'd need to remain in the relationship. especially if you've taken the risk of being the dependent partner and care giver. I don't think most people appreciate the risk a person takes when they are dependent in such a permanent way. Time goes by and all the while, you're not developing a career....and if you suddenly find yourself having to provide for yourself and your kids...... The child support and/or spousal support will not typically be sufficient for you to maintain anything like your current lifestyle.

Better to work things out openly and honestly, and try to rise above bumps in the road like this one. take the long view, but don't be a doormat about it.

Pico and ME · 07-04-2009, 09:44 AM

I would take a wait and see attitude. You only have suspicions based on very flimsy evidence right now.

bluecuracao · 07-04-2009, 09:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymous

Ask him flat out, and tell him I have a right to snoop through his phone anytime I want because I'm his wife?

Sure...and tell him he's free to look through your stuff, too.

I agree, open and honest is the way to go. Let him know that the circumstances around his work emergencies made you feel weird, which led you to feel uneasy enough to look through his phone calls.

DanaC · 07-04-2009, 10:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lumberjim

indeed it does.

i can totally see how you'd need to remain in the relationship. especially if you've taken the risk of being the dependent partner and care giver. I don't think most people appreciate the risk a person takes when they are dependent in such a permanent way. Time goes by and all the while, you're not developing a career....and if you suddenly find yourself having to provide for yourself and your kids...... The child support and/or spousal support will not typically be sufficient for you to maintain anything like your current lifestyle.

Better to work things out openly and honestly, and try to rise above bumps in the road like this one. take the long view, but don't be a doormat about it.

I think that's very well put.

Really, anon, you're the only one here who knows your hubby and therefore you're the one most likely to be able to predict his response if you confront him. I think Jim's advice about getting in the open and basically saying if he's going to do that, do it safely is worthy of consideration. Again though it depends on how he's likely to respond and how able you feel to raise it in a productive, rather than just confrontational way.

Aliantha · 07-04-2009, 05:05 PM

If I were in your position, I'd bring the subject up very plainly. If you've been through counselling etc, then surely he must have some understanding of how your mind and emotions work if not just from being married to you for that length of time. Simply say you were suspicious, so you snooped. Big deal. If he's got nothing to hide he surely will understand. If he does, well, only you can know what to do from there.

I wish you well. It's a horrible feeling when you suspect your spouse of cheating.

monster · 07-04-2009, 10:33 PM

I agree with Jim and blue.

Pooka · 07-09-2009, 03:07 PM

I agree...

Just my two cents, but I tend to take the honesty is the best policy route... and considering your stance which I understand fully being wholly supported by my husband...

Rather than accusing him of infidelity without any supporting evidence ...admit you tried to quell your suspicious feeling without confronting him as perhaps you should have and snooped... Ask him to forgive you for nosing through his stuff and let him know he is free to look through yours. Acknowledge that you've felt he was pulling away for a bit now and ask if he would be willing to see a counselor with you to help you both get your relationship back on tract. Let him know you love him and if he has been unfaithful you would like him to end it and you do want to work through it... that your marriage is important and you will do whatever it takes to salvage it.

Personally, I believe if you have nothing to hide there should be no issue with someone peaking through your stuff, but I know some people really don't like that. It doesn't bother me... I ferret through Flint's wallet and work bag all the time ...I'm mostly looking for coffee mugs that need washing, paperwork I need to fill out, or receipts (he holds on to them till the ink wears off which renders them useless come tax time... so I occasionally pull them out myself)... but sometimes.. I come across a note he wrote himself ... these are deep down what I hope to find... he writes down thoughts and ideas which are usually pretty interesting. I find them everywhere and have collected his little papers for years so they don't end up in the trash... I guess that's why I joined the Cellar... it’s like a big pile of his notes... but with anonymous responses.

But I digress... this is not about me, but you Anon... all I can say is what I'd do if it was me, but you know what your heart can handle and what it can't better than any of us here. One thing I do know is that lack of communication will cause even a faithful relationship to go awry... and if you aren't truthful... you'll never find a place where you can trust eachother again.

Flint · 07-09-2009, 03:16 PM

Wow...lumberjim has an understanding of these woman's matters that can only be attained by wearing a bra and panties.

lumberjim · 07-09-2009, 03:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flint

Wow...lumberjim has an understanding of these woman's matters that can only be attained by wearing a bra and panties.

And the understanding that you have for my understanding of these women's matters can only be attained by wearing what?...a ball gag and a butt plug?

Pooka · 07-09-2009, 04:17 PM

MoonFreckle · 07-10-2009, 06:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by capnhowdy

If I didn't trust someone enough not to snoop through their personal data I would have already been gone. Long gone. Just sayin'

I agree with the captain..If trust goes whats the point?

07-04-2009, 06:33 AM	#1
anonymous Operations Operative Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: in hiding Posts: 578	What would you do? My husband had a work emergency yesterday afternoon, which does happen on a fairly regular basis. He was gone for about an hour and a half, but then some awkward behavior afterward, plus timing with other events left me with a funny feeling about the whole thing. I checked his phone while he was sleeping, and found a placed call just after he left to a person who has nothing to do with work. While in general he might have reason to call this woman, I can't think of any reason why he would have needed to right then. What I was really looking for was a text message history, but I couldn't find it anywhere (it's a blackberry, if anyone knows of a hidden menu somewhere, but I suspect he just doesn't keep the logs.) Here's the thing, he did cheat on me before, about 8 years ago before we were married. That situation was a whole lot more complicated than simple lust, we went to counseling, we hammered everything out, and obviously I thought it was truly all in the past or I never would have married him. But the alarms can never truly go all the way back down to green, can they? Do I pursue this path? There's no way to ask him about it without admitting I was digging through his phone, so even if he comes up with a good answer the conversation is going to be unpleasant. But the real problem is, I don't know if I want to know. I am in no position for the marriage to end, not emotionally, not financially, not in any way. I don't care what the truth is, if this path leads to divorce I am not interested. On the other hand, ignoring this may allow things to become more involved, which could lead to the destruction of the relationship in itself. WTF do I do? Wait for more suspicious behavior so I have a better reason to bring it up? Forget I saw anything? Ask him flat out, and tell him I have a right to snoop through his phone anytime I want because I'm his wife? I'm really pretty sure he's not looking to leave, but if I force it out in the open will there be no other choice in the long run? This is killing me.

07-04-2009, 08:31 AM	#2
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	So, you're saying that even if he IS cheating, you still want to be with him? If that is really true, then you could confront him and explain that position. And then insist that if he is going to be out there doing that, that he be extra careful about protection, and not to be surprised if you get some strange of your own. festering suspicion can't be the right way to go __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

07-04-2009, 08:44 AM	#3
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	If I didn't trust someone enough not to snoop through their personal data I would have already been gone. Long gone. Just sayin' __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

07-04-2009, 09:35 AM	#5
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	indeed it does. i can totally see how you'd need to remain in the relationship. especially if you've taken the risk of being the dependent partner and care giver. I don't think most people appreciate the risk a person takes when they are dependent in such a permanent way. Time goes by and all the while, you're not developing a career....and if you suddenly find yourself having to provide for yourself and your kids...... The child support and/or spousal support will not typically be sufficient for you to maintain anything like your current lifestyle. Better to work things out openly and honestly, and try to rise above bumps in the road like this one. take the long view, but don't be a doormat about it. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

07-04-2009, 05:05 PM	#9
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	If I were in your position, I'd bring the subject up very plainly. If you've been through counselling etc, then surely he must have some understanding of how your mind and emotions work if not just from being married to you for that length of time. Simply say you were suspicious, so you snooped. Big deal. If he's got nothing to hide he surely will understand. If he does, well, only you can know what to do from there. I wish you well. It's a horrible feeling when you suspect your spouse of cheating. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

07-04-2009, 09:24 AM	#4
anonymous Operations Operative Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: in hiding Posts: 578	When you have children the equation changes. Just sayin'.

07-04-2009, 09:44 AM	#6
Pico and ME Are you knock-kneed? Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Middle Hoosierland Posts: 3,549	I would take a wait and see attitude. You only have suspicions based on very flimsy evidence right now.

07-04-2009, 10:33 PM	#10
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	I agree with Jim and blue. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

07-09-2009, 03:07 PM	#11
Pooka Your Invisible Rabbit Friend Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Betwixt and Between Posts: 528	I agree... Just my two cents, but I tend to take the honesty is the best policy route... and considering your stance which I understand fully being wholly supported by my husband... Rather than accusing him of infidelity without any supporting evidence ...admit you tried to quell your suspicious feeling without confronting him as perhaps you should have and snooped... Ask him to forgive you for nosing through his stuff and let him know he is free to look through yours. Acknowledge that you've felt he was pulling away for a bit now and ask if he would be willing to see a counselor with you to help you both get your relationship back on tract. Let him know you love him and if he has been unfaithful you would like him to end it and you do want to work through it... that your marriage is important and you will do whatever it takes to salvage it. Personally, I believe if you have nothing to hide there should be no issue with someone peaking through your stuff, but I know some people really don't like that. It doesn't bother me... I ferret through Flint's wallet and work bag all the time ...I'm mostly looking for coffee mugs that need washing, paperwork I need to fill out, or receipts (he holds on to them till the ink wears off which renders them useless come tax time... so I occasionally pull them out myself)... but sometimes.. I come across a note he wrote himself ... these are deep down what I hope to find... he writes down thoughts and ideas which are usually pretty interesting. I find them everywhere and have collected his little papers for years so they don't end up in the trash... I guess that's why I joined the Cellar... it’s like a big pile of his notes... but with anonymous responses. But I digress... this is not about me, but you Anon... all I can say is what I'd do if it was me, but you know what your heart can handle and what it can't better than any of us here. One thing I do know is that lack of communication will cause even a faithful relationship to go awry... and if you aren't truthful... you'll never find a place where you can trust eachother again.

07-09-2009, 03:16 PM	#12
Flint Snowflake Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Dystopia Posts: 13,136	Wow...lumberjim has an understanding of these woman's matters that can only be attained by wearing a bra and panties. __________________ **************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio**

07-09-2009, 04:17 PM	#14
Pooka Your Invisible Rabbit Friend Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Betwixt and Between Posts: 528

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